Only time(2)

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[spoiler]This is chapter two but No.1 is short and I always love reviews! Also it is much longer than Chappie one!
Link:
htp://www.youngwriterssociety.com/viewtopic.php?t=72253[spoiler]

Maryland. May 2010

The stabbing pain subsided and I feel something cold, like rock, beneath me. The world is still black but at least I am no longer floating. I hope. Yet where was I? Did I merely faint? I try to open my eyes but they stay firmly shut. The rest of my body has no feeling neither. Am I dead? I would shiver but again my body remains still. It is very possible I am dead. Then why am I not scared? Then again I can still think, can’t I. I try to lift my arm, but it stays by my side. I wish I could scream but my mouth will not open. What is happening to me? Suddenly, my body jerks with electricity and my eyes pop open of their own accord. My vision is clouded, like a misty day. I cannot see the room I am in, but I see that people are crowded around me.
“My name is Belle Thorne,” I force out weakly. Frankly, I’m surprised I can talk at all,” May you please tell me where I am, kind sirs?”
At least I hoped they were all sirs. My vision is still clouded. No one said anything. I lay there, blinking away the mist and choking down fear. After a few minutes my anger flares up and I bite it back down.
“Sirs?”
I can see they are all men now. One of them, the fog as let me see, is young. A boy my age or a bit older. He pushes through the crowd and offers me his hand. I try to reach up and barely manage but the boy grasps my hand and pulls me lightly to my feet. He studies me and I feel my cheeks reddened. Why is looking at me in such a manner? Doesn’t he know-?
“Chad?” a man calls. I try to peer at him but he is but a blur.
The young man, Chad I suppose, turns around.
“Yeah Dad?”
It is just then I notice the men’s strange white jackets and Chad’s odd blue trousers.
“Take it-uh-HER home.”
“Wait-what? Dad why?”
The father takes a wad of cash from his pocket.
“Buy her some normal clothes while your at it.”
Normal clothes? If you ask me it’s their clothes that are strange!
“Dad!” Chad protested.
“Just do it,” the father says.
Chad sighs in defeat and mutters,
“Follow me Belle.”
With that he storms away. Wasn’t his father going to do something? I turn toward the father but he is in the group of odd looking men. Picking up my ruffled skirts, I follow after the angry Chad.
Chad leads me to a strange vehicle. I suppose he saw my apprehensive look because he quickly said,
“Sorry…It’s my Dad’s car.”
This was a car? It was sleek and red, shorter than I. I felt fear rising again. I shouldn’t be here. I shouldn't. I should turn right around and get into that strange machine and-
“Are you coming?”
I notice then that Chad is already in this ‘car’. Looks like I have no choice. Taking a deep and shuttered breathe, I go around to the other side. Opening the door I get in. Chad pulls away from the strange looking building. We sit in silence, giving me an opportunity to study Chad. It may have been inappropriate at home but this was no home. Chad is three inches taller than I, with deep brown eyes and golden-brown hair. He has a strong jaw and tan skin.
“I’m taking you home and then hitting the clothing store,” Chad says, waking me from my thoughts.
“Why, what’s wrong with my clothes?” I say in a fit of bravery.
“There-,” Chad’s eyes flick to me.
There what? I think but dare not to speak loud. Chad jerks the ‘car’ into the driveway of a huge brick mansion.
“Get out. Gail will take care of you. Be back.”
I give him a slight nod and get out of the car. As soon as I do, Chad speeds away.
“Well!” I titter, trying to keep myself from shaking.
Chad had left me alone, not knowing where I was. I look up at the house. Is this the place wher they would send me home? Delicately walking up the stone path I knock on the door of the mansion. As soon as I do middle aged woman opens the door.
“ You must be Belle,” she ushers me inside,” Now come on. Don’t be shy!”
Chad’s house opens to a spiral staircase, edged with gold. Two rooms open on the left and right. The one on right has the looks of a parlor while the other may be a kitchen.
“I’m Dr.Cole’s wife, Gail!” The woman chirps.
She is short and plump with bright gray eyes. Her black/gray hair is cut into a bob.
“Belle…”
She raises a delicate eyebrow.
“Follow me up to your room, honey.”
Gail heads up the staircase and, lifting my skirts, I follow. She turns back, suddenly, and studies me.
“I do hope Chad is getting you some-Urm-more normal clothes.”
Why, oh why, did these strange beings hate my clothes so?
“I believe that is what he is doing.’
Gail nods and turns back around. When reach the top of the staircase, Gail leads me to a room at the end of the hallway. The room is light, with green flowy curtains. It’s wide with a double bed. The bed has white sheets and a canopy. A squat gray dresser sits in the corner. I notice quickly that their isn’t a fireplace. Why, if it were Winter I would freeze!
“Call me if you need anything just call me ok?”
I give Gail a brief nod and she walks away. I plop on the bed. What to do now? I command myself not to think. Thinking would scare me.This had gotten me out of the lady’s party hadn’t it? It couldn’t be that bad. I sigh. It could be horrible. I breathe in and out, trying to make myself stay, instead of forcing Gail to send me home.
I must have drifted off because next thing I know Gail is shaking me awake.
“Chad is back. Come on.”
I force myself up and open my sleepy eyes. Gail leaves and I get up. Distraught at the wrinkles in my dress I quickly smooth them out. Leaping down the staircase , I see Chad standing their, a bundle of clothes in his arms. He looks at me and to my distress his face is stony. Why does he hate me so? Why would I care? He tosses me what looks like a shirt and trousers. I am appalled. Does he think I am a man?
“You expect me to wear these?” I ask, holding up the trousers.
“Of course,” Chad says looking confused.
“Why, I haven’t worn trousers since I was a mere child!”
“Really. Just put them on.”
“Fine.”
He looked at me, wide eyed. Why?
“Look. You don’t have to. I think there’s a-“
“No.”
His look was one of pure astonishment. I consider asking him if I could just wear my dress instead of these-I shuttered-men's clothes. With growing bravery I open my mouth.
"May I just wear my skirts?"
Chad looks shocked.
"No!" He shouts," Look... Just do it ok? My dad..."
His father? What about him and why could I not wear my own dress? I start to ask but Chad turns around. I believe he sensed my question because he sighs.
"Please. Out of the human kindness. My dad will do..."
"Do what?" I challenge.
"Experiments ok? There not good."
"Ok."
His words rattled me. Yet I would do it to safe myself from- these experiments. Shivering, I walk up to my room. Upon my arrival I squish out of my outer dress. I look at my corset, stick my tongue out at it and pinch it off. I do not think I shall need it. I pull the strange shirt over my head. It is blue, as was my dress. It reads a unknown name. Hollister? As in a gun? I shiver. I quickly pull on the trousers, my foot getting stuck in the hole. How dare they give me trousers and damaged ones at that! I shove my foot through the trouser and walk over to the full length mirror. I examine the stranger in the mirror. Her face is flushed and her tragically messy. Sighing I pull out my bun and walk to the dresser, hoping to tame it. I pick up the pink brush and run it lightly through my hair. When I was satisfied I glance up, hoping to see another mirror. Instead I see a calendar.
[i]May 2010[i]
Last edited by Sunshine on Fri Dec 03, 2010 4:43 pm, edited 1 time in total.
I have loved the words and I have hated them. I only hope I have made them right.

---The Book Thief---

Hi, I'm Sunshine! It's lovely to meet you!




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First review! Yay1

Okay, so first off, you missed a couple words here in there, which kind of ruined the flow of the story. There's also a little bit of a grammer issue, but that's an easy fix.

Second, I'm afraid I don't quite understand this book. Why would Dr.Cole just send her home, rather than keeping her at the lab and trying to figure out what went wrong, where's she's from, etc. Also, I think Belle should be a little more freaked out, rather than just 'I must obey a man'. She has no idea where the heck she is, she is being forced into strange clothes - men's clothes - and she has no idea who anyone is. I don't think anyone would be that calm if that happened, no matter what time period they are from!

Also, I think after she sees a different year on the calender, she would be very confused.

So basically, you just need to fix a few words, a few punctuation marks, and most importantly, add emotion!

Overall, this is a good piece. I imagine a big struggle coming on. Perhaps her even eventually going online for research or something and finding out her mother was 'crazy' and ended up in an insane insylum (did I speel that right?), saying that her daughter flew into the sky and disappeared. Haha.

Keep up the good work!

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She's too trusting. It's one big thing that irks me with this novel. She doesn't question, she doesn't put up any kind of a fight. I know she is supposed to be a proper lady, but no amount of proper would stop a girl from questioning her safety. I mean, she just up and goes where he takes her, in a car no less. That's something she's not used to at all, so try describing the awkwardness between them as she tries to figure out what a seatbelt is. You need to put more feeling into this, more emotion. Get into your MC's head way more. Desrcibe things more, dig deeper into the content you have already. Try not to just write the motions(I'm horrible for doing that haha).

PLEASE use a spellcheck. There's a few wrong words, missing words, lack of punctuation. One quick example:
“There-,” Chad’s eyes flick to me.
There what? .....

That's the wrong form of "there". You should be using "they're" instead.

Apart from that, it's an interesting idea you've got going on here and I look forward to reading more!
The only people for me are the mad ones, the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirious of everything at the same time, the ones who never yawn or say a commonplace thing but burn, burn, burn like fabulous yellow roman candles exploding like spiders across the stars



Of those who say nothing, few are silent.
— Thomas Neill