Abducted

Spoiler

ok, i worked three hours on this , then my browser closed which erased everything , and i forgot the whole thing .... now its horrible. i tried my best to get the flow into it but that didn't happen

She was so beautiful. He wanted her all to himself.
Her body was slim , curvy , perfect.
He needed her.
The sun made her graceful , hazel eyes , reflect upon it.
She was the most beautiful object.
The murderer craved the smell of her light brown hair.
He waited for the right time to acquire her .
Indeed he did.
She struggled to get back to her family, everything suddenly became a blur.
He could not help but fall in love .
She hoped for help from above.
He asked for her hand in marriage
She never realized that her renounce
would cause so much damage.
He was not delirious
The murderer became tense.
He became furious.
Tried to kill her one night.
Someone was killed , alright.
She was found alive.
And he was found dead.
Lucky , she was able to thrive.

foreveralone wrote:

Spoiler

ok, i worked three hours on this , then my browser closed which erased everything , and i forgot the whole thing .... now its horrible. i tried my best to get the flow into it but that didn't happen

She was so beautiful. He wanted her all to himself.
Her body was slim , curvy , perfect.
He needed her.
The sun made her graceful , hazel eyes , reflect upon it. ( Hazel eyes reflected on what? )
She was the most beautiful object.
The murderer craved the smell of her light brown hair.
He waited for the right time to acquire her .
Indeed he did.
She struggled to get back to her family, everything suddenly became a blur. ( To get back to her family? )
He could not help but fall in love .
She hoped for help from above.
He asked for her hand in marriage
She never realized that her renounce
would cause so much damage.
He was not delirious
The murderer became tense.
He became furious.
Tried to kill her one night.
Someone was killed , alright.
She was found alive.
And he was found dead.
Lucky , she was able to thrive.

I Really enjoyed it. I think it need some work, but you are on your way!

I really like the twist right here.

Tried to kill her one night.
Someone was killed , alright.
She was found alive.
And he was found dead.
Lucky , she was able to thrive

It's an interesting poem. It could use polishing, but it's great.

foreveralone wrote:

Spoiler

ok, i worked three hours on this , then my browser closed which erased everything , and i forgot the whole thing .... now its horrible. i tried my best to get the flow into it but that didn't happen

She was so beautiful. He wanted her all to himself.
Her body was slim , curvy , perfect.
He needed her.
The sun made her graceful , hazel eyes , reflect upon it.
She was the most beautiful object.
The murderer craved the smell of her light brown hair.
He waited for the right time to acquire her .
Indeed he did.
She struggled to get back to her family, everything suddenly became a blur.
He could not help but fall in love .
She hoped for help from above.
He asked for her hand in marriage
She never realized that her renounce
would cause so much damage.
He was not delirious
The murderer became tense.
He became furious.
Tried to kill her one night.
Someone was killed , alright.
She was found alive.
And he was found dead.
Lucky , she was able to thrive.

Lovely and truly enjoy able, i think its safe to say that you are on the right line
can i ask you that , is poetry your first priority rite now?

Hi, Forever! Pink here, as requested.

This poem is actually a bit choppy and the flow is off, alright. It seems a bit hard to read and get into. Actually, I'd try to lose the rhyming words because they don't really help the poem, in fact they create more boundaries and it becomes more difficult to create a flow with that.

So from this poem, I read that there is a girl and a boy and this boy seems to love this girl very, very much -correct? Also, the girl loves him? After the middle I find myself a little lost with the story. What do you mean by help from above and what family problem? If you're going to have your character create such a malicious act inside your poem, I would have liked to see some more understanding or explanation to the cause because killing someone you love/has loved is serious business, man, lol. Try adding some more of an explanation or simplify it a bit to where it's easier to get the main picture.

Overall, there are a few things you need to improve on but the current poem itself tells a cruel and interesting tale. Have you ever thought about making it into a short story? It would be interesting to read and I think it'd work better as a story than a poem because it has more conflict and emotion that could be played into the words and scenes. Anyway, that is your choice. Keep writing and if you have any questions feel free to PM me.

Cheers,
-Shear

Heya

I'm here to review as requested! I don't really know all that much about poetry, especially the technicality of it, so you'll have to bear with me on this review. If you have any questions or comments after this critique, just let me know and I'll be perfectly happy to answer them for you.

I do have to agree with what Pink said about the story here. I read on either your or Pink's wall that the story of this was the girl being kidnapped by a murderer. Something like that anyway. Well, I also got the impression that this was about a man who was so in love, he couldn't bear the thought of someone else having his partner, so he tries to kill her. Something along those lines anyway. What I think you need to do is to make it clearer that the girl's kidnapped. If I hadn't seen that comment on Pink's wall, I wouldn't have guessed it. The title sort of hinted at it, but still... I'd rather see it in the poem itself.

To be honest, I think you need to make the details more clear overall. I'd especially like some more detail on the murder. How come she murdered him in the end? Was it a struggle? I'd also like some details on the emotions as well. Your telling us a story, but you're not really portraying the emotions of it, especially the girl's emotions. We get a glimpse of the guy's emotions, but not so much of the girl's. What I'm basically trying to say is that I'd like to see you being a bit more detailed overall. You've got a great base for this poem, so now I'd like to see you expanding on it.

What I like about this poem though is the bluntness of it. You don't really tip toe around the subject, which almost gives a murderous impression. Very good. I'm also rather fond of the repetition of 'he' and 'she'. It's one of those repetitions that doesn't bother me, which is quite rare for me because I'm picky with them. I think you've got a great concept to this poem, so now all I'd like to see you doing is adding in some more details.

Keep writing,

xoxo Skins

Ooooh! Good poem! It's too bad that the stupid computer didn't save what you originally wrote! I didn't really find any mistakes, but, then again, I could have skimmed over something without noticing it.
Nice job.
-UCntCMee

The way I saw it, it was a story of a girl who got kidnapped by a stalker. She tried to get away but he kept at it, torturing her day in and out. She just wanted out. The stalker however saw him kidnapping her as a grand gesture of love and wanted her to love him too. One night he realized he couldn't make her love him so he tried to kill her and she ended up killing him first.
I liked how orignal it was, most of the time you see poems about heartbreak or happiness, never about this. So congrats!
Also I LOVED the mindset of the stalker. Most people would say "Oh okay the stalker is evil and blah blah blah". You didn't. You went into his twisted mindset and showed us how he viewed the situation too. Instead of making him just an obstacle for the hero to defeat you made him a character. You make him a person of his own. That's actually what made me like it. Keep it up with work like this.

Hello!! Rain here, Sorry it took such a long time to get to this.

Well, the only problem that I really have is the structure. you have each sentance as a line, in poetry thats really not that good...

If you shorten your lines and seperate this into stanzas this could be a lot better.

Sorry I wasn't of much help...

~Rain~

Wow! This was really amazing. You are a very talented writer, well done. I especially loved the last couple of lines. I felt they gave that big 'bang!' ending, which every poem needs, I think. I really liked this, I look forward to reading more from you.

--> awesome story! wow! wow! wow! If you only knew how i loved the abductor and hated the girl! :3 soo good!