White Ravens

25 posts1, 2
Random avatar
Gender None specified
Points 827
Reviews 45
I wrote this a long time ago but I thought it was okay. It's a little dark, just warning you.


We were walking down
a midnight road,
the stars were new
but now they're old.
He took my hand
and held it close.
The skies were bleeding,
raining ghosts.

I heard a single
shrill cry call,
the kind of call
that makes you fall
and slip into
the land beyond,
the dreaming land
of mist and cloud,
the hazy land
where hell-hounds are found.

But held my hand close
and I stayed on firm ground.
No slipping or falling,
no hell-hounds around.

We watched as a raven
flew past our heads,
calling and calling,
soon its voice will be dead.

And, still, he held my hand close
and I stayed on firm ground.
No slipping or falling,
no hell-hounds around.

And the ravens, they gathered,
white ravens, they flew
just like bright ash
in a chimney flue.

And the moon rose high,
casting its shadow,
blinking its eye,
watching the ravens,
ravens, white ravens,
watching the ravens
crying their cry.

But he held my hand close
and I stayed on firm ground,
no slipping or falling,
no hell-hounds around.

The feathers, they fell
off the tails of the birds.
The feathers, they floated
away like my words.

And the midnight shadows
danced and they fell.
Were they running away?
I couldn't tell.

But he held my hand close,
still here on firm ground,
no slipping, no falling,
no hell-hounds around.

The ravens, they dived,
the ravens they dove,
ravens, white ravens,
right past my bones.

They went straight for him,
eyes, red as blood,
they continued to come,
pouring in like a flood.

And he fell and he fell,
and he rose and he rose,
but the ravens kept coming,
holding their pose.

So I held his hand close,
but firm ground was long gone,
he was slipping and falling.
What could I have done?

He took one last breath
and said in my ear;
"I love you,
I love you,
please do not fear."

But the ravens were circling,
the ravens were there,
the ravens, white ravens.
How could they dare?

His hand was slipping,
falling and falling.
The ravens were done.
They'd finished their calling.

And though he was gone,
though the night faded to grey,
his words, they still lingered,
forever they'd stay.

I watched as the sun
rose bright and round.
I wonder if it knew
that terror had come down.

As the dawn struck me,
as the clouds danced,
and the colours sung,
I knew it was forever
that he'd be gone.

But his words were still there,
still inside my ear;
"I love you, I love you,
please do not fear."

And so I live on,
for each and every day
As long as I continue
to let those words play.
Last edited by GoaGreena on Thu Dec 02, 2010 4:13 am, edited 2 times in total.
I dream by day.




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 1305
Reviews 170
This is an amazing poem im a big fan of it =]
Milestiba uzvar visu, Milestiba ir upuris.




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 1464
Reviews 85
I love this poem but one thing I found was
I watched as the sunrose bright and round.
I wonder if it knew that
terror had come 'round.

Maybe you should change 'round to a different word because you have used it twice in that bit.

Other than that I love it real good use of description I could really see what was going on.
A hero isn’t defined by winning. Loads of heroes die in the effort. Most of them never get any recognition. No, a hero is just somebody who does the right thing when it would be far, far easier to do nothing.


~Previously SweetMoments




Random avatar
Gender Female
Points 3590
Reviews 30
GoaGreena wrote:I wrote this a long time ago but I thought it was okay. It's a little dark, just warning you.


We were walking down
a midnight road,
the stars were new
but now they're old.
He took my hand
and held it close.
The skies were bleeding,
raining ghosts.

I heard a single
shrill cry call,
the kind of call
that makes you fall
and slip into
the land beyond,
the dreaming land
of mist and cloud,
the hazy land
where hell-hounds are found.

But held my hand close
and I stayed on firm ground.
No slipping or falling,
no hell-hounds around.

We watched as a raven
flew past our heads,
calling and calling,
soon its voice will be dead.

And, still, he held my hand close
and I stayed on firm ground.
No slipping or falling,
no hell-hounds around.

And the ravens, they gathered,
white ravens, they flew
just like bright ash
in a chimney flue.

And the moon rose high,
casting its shadow,
blinking its eye,
watching the ravens,
ravens, white ravens,
watching the ravens
crying their cry.

But he held my hand close
and I stayed on firm ground,
no slipping or falling,
no hell-hounds around.

The feathers, they fell
off the tails of the birds.
The feathers, they floated
away like my words.

And the midnight shadows
danced and they fell.
Were they running away?
I couldn't tell.

But he held my hand close,
still here on firm ground,
no slipping, no falling,
no hell-hounds around.

The ravens, they dived,
the ravens they dove,
ravens, white ravens,
right past my bones.

They went straight for him,
eyes, red as blood,
they continued to come,
pouring in like a flood.

And he fell and he fell,
and he rose and he rose,
but the ravens kept coming,
holding their pose.

So I held his hand close,
but firm ground was long gone,
he was slipping and falling.
What could I have done?

He took one last breath
and said in my ear;
"I love you,
I love you,
please do not fear."

But the ravens were circling,
the ravens were there,
the ravens, white ravens.
How could they dare?

His hand was slipping,
falling and falling.
The ravens were done.
They'd finished their calling.

And though he was gone,
though the night faded to grey,
his words, they still lingered,
forever they'd stay.

I watched as the sun
rose bright and round.
I wonder if it knew
that terror had come down.

As the dawn struck me,
as the clouds danced,
and the colours sung,
I knew it was forever
that he'd be gone.

But his words were still there,
still inside my ear;
"I love you, I love you,
please do not fear."

And so I live on,
for each and every day
As long as I continue
to let those words play.


Wow nicely done that's all i can say
id love to read more, but i think it was a little too long that's just me though i believe long stories/poetry can be boring
(no offence)

Yours truly
- Stephene
Message me if you want to talk :)




Random avatar
Gender None specified
Points 827
Reviews 45
I don't write many short poems. I prefer long ones, that way you can voice everything and only get the poeple who truly like your work to read it. But that's just me, short poems are alright too.
I dream by day.




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 1045
Reviews 56
OOH

Hi, I loved this, poem, the shortness of the sentances, and the powerful, meaning, that is slightly misunderstood in some poeples view was amazing. The complexity of such a simple poem is quite incredible.

Hayley x




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 1040
Reviews 9
that is awsome!
how on earth do you manage to write for that long without it turning to drivel?
Yours truly
"that person who can't write poems that are more than a page long"
[color=#400080]Go Brazil!!!! Soccer is awsome. Does anyone know why Italian players always start crying when they're kicked?[/color]




Random avatar
Gender None specified
Points 827
Reviews 45
Lexi wrote:that is awsome!
how on earth do you manage to write for that long without it turning to drivel?
Yours truly
"that person who can't write poems that are more than a page long"


This one, I'm not sure. I guess I just had the idea and went with it. Sometimes the words come, sometimes you have to work your butt off for them, but they're always there.
I dream by day.




Random avatar
Gender None specified
Points 1093
Reviews 3
WOW this poem kept me reading on and on and i didnt even realize how long it was until i was finished and looked back at what i had read this is simply amazing. the rhyming scheme was perfect and the stanzas were set up in such a way that it flowed and i didnt even realize that i was reading a huge poem. not saying big is bad what so ever. point in case this poem. very long very dark very beautiful




Random avatar
Gender None specified
Points 827
Reviews 45
Thank you very much! I guess it's okay that it's long. I always write long poems, I guess I just got used to the form I often use.

Thank you! :)
I dream by day.




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 1290
Reviews 7
Hi GoaGreena,

This was an engaging poem. I loved the refrain, "But he held my hand close/and I stayed on firm ground./No slipping or falling,/no hell-hounds around." It brought to mind dark, celtic-ey things. Ha, ha. If that makes any sense.

We were walking down
a midnight road,
the stars were new
but now they're old.
He took my hand
and held it close.
The skies were bleeding,
raining ghosts.


I like this whole stanza. I believe it was "the stars were new/but now they're old" that captured my imagination and thus my attention.

I heard a single
shrill cry call,
the kind of call
that makes you fall


I don't see a need for the word "call" after "cry"; it sounds a bit redundant.

But he held my hand close


And the ravens, they gathered,
white ravens, they flew
just like bright ash
in a chimney flue.


"Bright ash." That's lovely.

And the moon rose high,
casting its shadow,
blinking its eye,
watching the ravens


Again, lovely!

As another reviewer already mentioned, the simplicity gives it power- potency. Seems it could almost be sung, or at least chanted.

Sincerely,
RaeSuz




Random avatar
Gender None specified
Points 827
Reviews 45
Thank you. I thought that whole 'shrill cry call' line just needed another syllable so that's why I added the call.
I dream by day.




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 2590
Reviews 20
Hey GoaGreena, Error404 here! :D

Oh, I quite liked it... loved it, actually! It was written beautifully from start to finish and I can't think of anything more to add to what the other memebers have already said. I ADORE the way you write and I'm a big fan of this poem. The line that I favour most would have to be:
And the ravens, they gathered,
white ravens, they flew
just like bright ash
in a chimney flue.


I could see vivid images forming with each word that I read... UGHH!! Love it!!! <3
Good job and keep writing!
~ Error404




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 1682
Reviews 57
I don't usually have the patience to read such long poems, or the interest to read them for that matter, but this poem was captivating. Your language and imagery gave the poem a certain feel that I can't shake off after reading it..truly amazingly written. Something I would enjoy reading more than once! Writing poetry is clearly one of your talents, well done!

(By the way, I hate ravens -- They creep me out..haha)
"Let other pens dwell on guilt and misery!" - Jane Austen




Random avatar
Gender None specified
Points 827
Reviews 45
Thank you! My objective was to write a longer poem, but with a type of flow that would keep the reader interested.
I dream by day.



The words you speak become the house you live in.
— Hafiz