The Shallow Children with Hollow Hearts

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I once knew this boy with a joyful smile,
when he laughed his mouth gained the length of a mile.
He was healthy as few with a childish way,
of always being around making sure to have a say.

A happy innocent kid with a promising future,
but it’d take less than a second to make him mature.
When the war came it took away his grin,
when the soldiers came and made a terrible sin.

When the fire swallowed everything in its way,
the little boy opened his mouth to say.
“Daddy where are you, where is my mother?
Where are my sisters and beloved brother?

But with no answer to gain from anyone,
he became the lost and lonely son.
Pushed out on streets the boy turned inside out,
he forgot how to laugh and got pro on how to shout.

I knew a boy with cloths torn to pieces,
he was coughing while suffering from too many deceases.
He couldn’t be cured, couldn’t be healed.
It didn’t matter that he prayed, that he kneeled.

With face covered in dirt and eyes like empty holes,
he was walking among other children with empty souls.
They couldn’t be cured, couldn’t be healed,
their childhood were stolen, didn’t matter that they kneeled.
No matter that they prayed to the skies, that they told no lies,
that they committed no sins and made no cries.

They were the ones that were left,
their families were stolen by life-thefts.
Shallow and hollow they walked the empty streets,
they dreamt nightmares and left tears on dirty sheets.

They were children who’d seen evil, who’d lost their innocence
if you heard their voices or saw their eyes, it didn’t make sense.
For how could it be, that these young little kids,
could be as secretive as boxes with unbreakable lids.

With hollow hearts, the shallow children walk alone,
dreaming about horror, and passing graves of stone.
Undeerneath lay their families and past lives,
lives of happiness, that hadn't known either guns or knives.

They are The Shallow Children with Hollow Hearts.
"Some say the world will end in fire;
Some say in ice.
From what I've tasted of desire
I hold with those who favor fire.
But if it had to perish twice,
I think I know enough of hate
To say that for destruction ice
Is also great
And would suffice." - Robert Frost




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Its a really great descriptive, beautifully worded poem, however i think you just crossed over into a "sing-song" rhythm.
Milestiba uzvar visu, Milestiba ir upuris.




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Fantastic description. This is very good.
I dream by day.




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...
Last edited by Demoness on Sun Aug 14, 2011 10:14 pm, edited 1 time in total.
"Some say the world will end in fire;
Some say in ice.
From what I've tasted of desire
I hold with those who favor fire.
But if it had to perish twice,
I think I know enough of hate
To say that for destruction ice
Is also great
And would suffice." - Robert Frost




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Gender Female
Points 719
Reviews 562
Nice piece- I love the title and the word choice is very nice. I have to agree about the sing-song rhythm though. The rhyme scheme seems to dominate the poem, and has a too-structured rhythm. Make it tighter a little bit, and make the words really stand out. The rhyme scheme should just pull it together, and still remain a subtle element.

Altogether, nice piece.

-Coral-




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Hey there im new to the reviewing thing but ill give it a shot :)

I once knew this boy with a joyful smile,
when he laughed his mouth gained the length of a mile.
He was healthy as few with a childish way,
of always being around making sure to have a say.


Neat but i don't know why the second line took me a few seconds to understand i guess im just dummer then normal people -.-'

A happy innocent kid with a promising future,
but it’d take less than a second to make him mature.
When the war came it took away his grin,
when the soldiers came and made a terrible sin.


now this is an intense nail bite-er i really liked the last line but the second line was kinda silly to me (no offense).

When the fire swallowed everything in its way,
the little boy opened his mouth to say.
“Daddy where are you and where is my mother?
Where are my sisters and beloved brother?

I think it would be better this way but i am not fully sure :(

But with no answer to gain from anyone,
he became the lost and lonely son.
Pushed out on streets the boy turned inside out,
he forgot how to laugh and got pro on how to shout.


now this was intense but the last line again could be better like "he forgot how to laugh and learned how to shout.."

I knew a boy with cloths torn to pieces,
he was coughing while suffering from too many deceases.
He couldn’t be cured neither could he be healed.
It didn’t matter that he prayed, that he kneeled.


just another thing i thought would make more sense your way was perfectly fine too


With face covered in dirt and eyes like empty holes,
he was walking among other children with empty souls.
They couldn’t be cured, couldn’t be healed,
their childhood were stolen, didn’t matter that they kneeled.
No matter that they prayed to the skies, that they told no lies,
that they committed no sins and made no cries.


this makes me think that you have actually witnessed the sorrows of the kid and made me feel sad :'(
They were the ones that were left,
their families were stolen by life-thefts.
Shallow and hollow they walked the empty streets,
they dreamt nightmares and left tears on dirty sheets.


i dont think that life thefts is actually a word so ,.... yeah..
They were children who’d seen evil, who’d lost their innocence
if you heard their voices or saw their eyes, it didn’t make sense.
For how could it be, that these young little kids,
could be as secretive as boxes with unbreakable lids.


now i really liked this pera where every thinHey there im new to the reviewing thing but ill give it a shot :)

I once knew this boy with a joyful smile,
when he laughed his mouth gained the length of a mile.
He was healthy as few with a childish way,
of always being around making sure to have a say.


Neat but i don't know why the second line took me a few seconds to understand i guess im just dummer then normal people -.-'

A happy innocent kid with a promising future,
but it’d take less than a second to make him mature.
When the war came it took away his grin,
when the soldiers came and made a terrible sin.


now this is an intense nail bite-er i really liked the last line but the second line was kinda silly to me (no offense).

When the fire swallowed everything in its way,
the little boy opened his mouth to say.
“Daddy where are you and where is my mother?
Where are my sisters and beloved brother?

I think it would be better this way but i am not fully sure :(

But with no answer to gain from anyone,
he became the lost and lonely son.
Pushed out on streets the boy turned inside out,
he forgot how to laugh and got pro on how to shout.


now this was intense but the last line again could be better like "he forgot how to laugh and learned how to shout.."

I knew a boy with cloths torn to pieces,
he was coughing while suffering from too many deceases.
He couldn’t be cured neither could he be healed.
It didn’t matter that he prayed, that he kneeled.


just another thing i thought would make more sense your way was perfectly fine too


With face covered in dirt and eyes like empty holes,
he was walking among other children with empty souls.
They couldn’t be cured, couldn’t be healed,
their childhood were stolen, didn’t matter that they kneeled.
No matter that they prayed to the skies, that they told no lies,
that they committed no sins and made no cries.


this makes me think that you have actually witnessed the sorrows of the kid and made me feel sad :'(

They were the ones that were left,
their families were stolen by life-thefts.
Shallow and hollow they walked the empty streets,
they dreamt nightmares and left tears on dirty sheets.

They were children who’d seen evil, who’d lost their innocence
if you heard their voices or saw their eyes, it didn’t make sense.
For how could it be, that these young little kids,
could be as secretive as boxes with unbreakable lids.

With hollow hearts, the shallow children walk alone,
dreaming about horror, and passing graves of stone.
Undeerneath lay their families and past lives,
lives of happiness, that hadn't known either guns or knives.

They are The Shallow Children with Hollow Hearts.
kinda made a lot of sence to me . ...

With hollow hearts, the shallow children walk alone,
dreaming about horror, and passing graves of stone.
Underneath lay their families and past lives,
lives of happiness, that hadn't known either guns or knives.

They are The Shallow Children with Hollow Hearts.


Fantastic, you managed to create what you thought of in your head and it was truly amazing the intensity of your piece of work is truly artistic ill be looking forward for more.

Hope i helped
remember to stay motivated

Yours truly
-Stephene
Message me if you want to talk :)




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 8572
Reviews 424
...
"Some say the world will end in fire;
Some say in ice.
From what I've tasted of desire
I hold with those who favor fire.
But if it had to perish twice,
I think I know enough of hate
To say that for destruction ice
Is also great
And would suffice." - Robert Frost



Stay gold, Ponyboy.
— S.E. Hinton