Sympathy

Here comes another poem from the Crimster. This one sums up what happened to me today. Some may be able to relate to it, others may not. Critique please. Be warned, this poem is a horrible lump of fail, so I'd really like some help on how to improve it, thank you! (:

Monsters,
They lie behind the staffroom door.
But scarier creatures lie outside.
Yet the one that I do adore
Was their first prey to find.
The floods of tears
proved all my fears,
the rebellious one had been caught.
And when I asked how he was
It was sympathy that he sought.
Hand in hand we stood.

He looked down at the floor where tears fell.
And for one moment I thought that I could
Not do anything. I could tell,
Him as many funny stories as I liked.
But to no avail,
His beautiful humour had been spiked.
And you.
Could call me.
A fail.

That was when the monster came
With his long tall figure
And his long brown cane.
I shivered and didn't even snigger,
at his baldness this time.
And quietly told the prey to tuck his shirt in.

When the monster told me to kindly scram.
And said "Jack, come with me."
I nodded once then just ran,
And not looked back once to see.

Hello Crimsona!

Didn't you just have this posted under another title? Haha, anyway, I thought this poem was really good. I'd meant to review it earlier, but I got hungry, got up from the computer and consequently, forgot. But I'm back.
I wouldn't say that this "poem was a horrible lump of fail." In fact, I'd call it a win. There was just enough plot to get me interested, and the images and phrases you used really pulled me in further.
I could feel how it felt for you to want to do something to help your friend, but to be overpowered by the forces opposing you. We all feel helpless sometimes and this poem is a good illustration of one of those moments.
I also liked how there was very subtle rhyming going down throughout the poem. It isn't really visible so much in the grouping of the words, but when read, the lines flow in a way that signifies rhyme. I liked it. A lot. A lot, a lot.
I think my favorite lines were

That was when the monster came
With his long tall figure
And his long brown cane.

The sounds of the words as you read them together just flow perfectly and the image itself is great.

There was one line that made me stumble and you might want to take a look at it. It's the last line in the poem.

And not looked back once to see.

"not looked back once to see" is rather awkward, is it not? I get that maybe you were trying to rhyme with "me" two lines previous, but maybe if you try "And in fear did I then flee." Or something. Ending with see makes me think "What, what did she not see?"

Well, that's about all I can offer in the way of poetic critiquing. Good luck!

Happy Writing!
Bailey

Ooh! I love it! Kind of dark, a little mysterious. Fantastic!

Thanks for the reviews.

I liked it. It was very well written. However I don't understand what the monster is.