I Need The Noise (Working Title)

This was the start of a story that I wrote. I just want to see what people think of it so I know if I should go on with it.


I need the noise. It’s part of me. The simple tapping of my fingers is all it takes. But I can’t do that. I can’t do that with my hands behind my back. I can’t do that.

Do you ever get that feeling, where you need to do something, and if you don’t, you know you will snap. That’s how I felt. I could feel the sensation ripple through my fingers, and I knew I needed to do it. Why does something so simple control me so greatly?

I looked up, and saw myself in the mirror. Why do my eyes look so weird. Maybe it’s because I look so pale. The agitation wasn’t just in my fingers. I stretched my head, pressing my eyes closed, willing it to go away. I need to get free. I need to break free.

I heard it. I couldn’t see it, my eyes were closed. But I heard the door open. Leather boots on the lino like floor. It almost echoed threw my head. I could sense every little thing. I need my hands free. I need them free.

‘You seem like a good kid Sam. I don’t know why you got messed up with something like this.’ The words echoed through my head. I’d heard those words before, but not from this man. He doesn’t even sound the same.

I could smell the after shave on him. It could smell as clearly as I could feel the metal digging into my wrists. Let me free. I need to be free. Words so uselessly yelled inside my head. I need to be free.

‘Why’d you do it Sam? It’s not like you to be violent.’ The words seemed to useless and dull inside my head. I could feel my fingers star to spasm. I could feel the metal on my writs. I couldn’t take it.

I heard a loud groan, like that from a man being tortured, echo through the room. What was that? Oh, it was me. My head felt like a snake’s neck, trying to test its own boundaries. I could sense the confusion from the man, the man I knew so well.

‘Sam? Sam! Sam!’ I heard his shoes again, hurried this time, hurrying towards me. I felt his cool hands on mine, and he undid the hand cuffs in a rush. I felt my hand slip free, as it smashed into the table. My head followed. I felt his hand on the back of my head, making sure I didn’t do it again. He’d seen this before. He knew what to do. He was my father.

Anther moan seeped from my lips, but this time in relief. I felt a twitch writher through my shoulders. I felt the familiar rhythmic beat through my fingers, as they tapped on the table. His hand slowly drew away, but I kept my head where it was.
Then I fell asleep.



‘The urges you feel control you. Don’t let them. Let them guide you. Don’t give them power.’ I was in that familiar room with the leather couches and the man in the old grey suite. It never changed. It never changed, because that would change us. At least, that’s what the psyche said.

I lay on one of those leather couches, with my feet on the arm. I heard the voice, but I didn’t listen any more. I could lose myself in my own thoughts so easily, that sometimes I couldn’t tell if I was asleep or awake. The only difference was, I couldn’t remember my dreams.

I could feel it. I could feel my fingers tapping on the couch. So softly I barely knew it was happening, but it was. That’s how little control I had. That’s how bad it was.
‘You need to control it. You need to will it to stop.’ It was funny. He one of those cliché German accents, which you could be the only thing that would get you your degree. Sure, he had spent the twelve years studying to become qualified, and the frames I knew which were on the wall said the same thing. I am certified. Now, I can take you money. The weird thing thought was, I think he actually cared about me.

Sure he didn’t care like a father or a brother. But he was genuinely interested in me. I was his genie pig. I would be his greatest work, if he could mould me right. But he cared. I guess you don’t as weird as me every day. Well, depends on where you look.

I opened my eyes, and found myself at my dad’s desk. There was a coffee and a donut in front of where my face was on the desk. I took a sip from the coffee and felt it slip down my throat.
‘Hey Sam.’ I looked up to see the same old face of Detective Sean Phase who was also dad’s best friend.
‘You got into another fight I hear.’ I half bowed my head in shame. ‘One of these days, it’s something’s gonna go wrong, and no one will be there to stop you. You need to be careful.’ I could see the softness in Sean’s eyes which said he was didn’t want anything to happen to me. I don’t get why people cared so much. But it felt comforting.

‘Hey John,’ Sean said seeing my dad. My dad nodded back at him. ‘I better go finish up the Rattner case paperwork,’ Sean said making an excuse to leave the two of us.




This is where I have gotten up to so far. Please tell me what you think, so I know if should go on with it or not.

Review coming soon! I saw some spelling errors, and a few grammar errors, but the idea itself is good!

Hello there

I will not tell you to not carry on with your story, but what you have posted so far, needs some serious revision. First of all, at the introduction part of the story, you are just going in circles and everything is confusing. I don't know, maybe you're trying to create suspense, which is good, but some readers are not that patient. Just tell me what's going on after a few lines. The first five paragraphs are just spiralling out of control, and that's too much, when does the story begin to get interesting? When do I start getting to understand. Five paragraphs is just too much and by the time the story starts, I don't even know it. So make the suspense to grip the reader, but don't over do it. That goes for the whole story.
I like your writing style thought. Behind all the confusion you have great use of the language, even though your grammar needs a little tweaking, you have a broad and precise vocabulary and you use it well in my opinion.
Keep writing and good luck with the rest of your story

Alright, so, I agree with the reviewer before me.
This was very simple, and I didn't really like that. You use lines like this.

Then I fell asleep.

That told me nothing. What was your MC thinking or feeling as they fell asleep.

You also told the reader too much. Describe, and show the reader.
Your text was mainly 'I-did-this-I-did-that'. You should show the reader, not tell them every action.

~WickedWonder

Hi there! This story was…refreshing, but I really think you wasted a lot of potential. I’ll explain later, for now, the nitpicks.
Oh, but first, In your title, the ‘The’ need not be capitalized. The same goes for ‘of’, ‘a’ and most prepositions, but only when they are part of a title. Whatever, find a grammar book and you’ll understand, I’m not good at explaining things like this.

Nit-Picks

The simple tapping of my fingers is all it takes.

I think it would be better to phrase this as, “Simply tapping my fingers is all it takes.” Since, “The tapping of…” is spoken in an ineffective and passive voice.

Do you ever get that feeling, where you need to do something, and if you don’t, you know you will snap.

This sentence is worded as a question, but you left the question mark out. If you replace the period with the question mark it would be far too confusing, given the two phrases between the question and the period. Rather I think you should word it this way, “Do you ever get that feeling? The feeling where you need to do something? If you ignore the feeling, you know you will snap.”

I could feel the sensation ripple through my fingers, and I knew I needed to do it.

‘Ripple’ isn’t quite the verb I would use to describe this idea, since it implies movement outwards from a centre source (like a stone thrown into water). Rather, try finding a verb that could express how the urge moves in him, but cannot move out.
Examples: “I could feel the sensation reverberate…”, “I could feel the sensation compound itself within my fingers…”

Why do my eyes look so weird. Maybe it’s because I look so pale.

The first sentence needs a question mark. However, it is in the wrong tense for this story (I italicised the incorrect verbs). I understand that you wrote his thoughts, but if that is so, then perhaps you should have put it in italics. Plus, you would need a new paragraph, since it counts somewhat for dialogue (we’ll get to that later).

It almost echoed threw my head. I could sense every little thing. I need my hands free. I need them free.

Almost? Get rid of that, it just distracts from the good idea you have here. Also, it should be spelt, ‘through’ and not ‘threw’.

I could smell the after shave on him.

Aftershave. No space needed.

I could feel my fingers star to spasm.

Start.

I could feel the metal on my writs.

This is redundant, both to the quote above and to another sentence that mentions metal and wrists. Try to reword it differently. Also, you misspelled ‘wrist’.

I was in that familiar room with the leather couches and the man in the old grey suite.

A ‘suite’ is like a specialized hotel room. I don’t know much about this special room, but I’m pretty sure it wasn’t what you wanted. Suit.

The only difference was, I couldn’t remember my dreams.

No comma here. Just…basic rules of grammar.

He one of those cliché German accents, which you could be the only thing that would get you your degree.

“He had one of…”

Sure, he had spent the twelve years studying to become qualified, and the frames I knew which were on the wall said the same thing.

I found four errors here. Let me correct it this way: “Sure he had spent twelve years studying to become qualified, and the certificates on the wall said the same thing.”

I am certified. Now, I can take you money.[i]

LOL, this is funny! But you need a, ‘your’ and not a ‘you’.

I was his [i]genie pig.

Guinea pig. I know, it’s a strange word .

I would be his greatest work, if he could mould me right.

Mold, unless mould is British spelling.

I guess you don’t as weird as me every day.

I think you left something out here. Maybe, “I guess you don’t see something as weird as me every day.”

I opened my eyes, and found myself at my dad’s desk.

This transition was good, in my opinion, at least. But others may be confused by its suddenness. I’m not telling you to change it or even to leave it as it is. I’m only letting you know that it could be a problem.

‘Hey Sam.’ I looked up to see the same old face of Detective Sean Phase who was also dad’s best friend.

Infodump! Introduce this Sean Phase a little less…wham!ingly.

‘One of these days, it’s something’s gonna go wrong, and no one will be there to stop you. You need to be careful.’

I cut out that unruly piece.

I could see the softness in Sean’s eyes which said he was didn’t want anything to happen to me.

Another one.

‘Hey John,’ Sean said seeing my dad.

First off, why would Sean say this? He didn’t just walk in. I know the MC has only just seen him, but you must remember and respect the other characters in the room.
Secondly, you would need either a comma after ‘said’ or some fancy wording, “Sean said upon seeing my dad.”

‘I better go finish up the Rattner case paperwork,’

This is very sudden, especially at the end of the story. Maybe you haven’t finished it yet, so I can understand. However, if this were a short story, the ending would be a total fail. Even for the end of a novel chapter it doesn’t work. I suggest either reworking it, or lengthening the story.

Dialogue Paragraphing

Alright, you got those, right? Good. Now, about this dialogue paragraphing I mention earlier; you need some help.
After every new piece of dialogue, you must create a new paragraph.
You will find writers on YWS who ignore this rule, either in ignorance or a bold sense of artistic-ness. They have learned the rules enough to bend them. You haven’t.
Since you’re relatively new to the writing game, I suggest you stick with the rules, forms and regulations printed clearly in all grammar books. Then, after becoming familiar and comfortable with those ropes, you can start monkeying around with some of the tools of higher echelons.
For this rule, I will explain it very clearly. Always follow this rule until you think you’re comfortable with leaving it behind. Only you will know.
[quote]‘You need to control it. You need to will it to stop.’
It was funny. He one of those cliché German accents, which you could be the only thing that would get you your degree. Sure, he had spent the twelve years studying to become qualified, and the frames I knew which were on the wall said the same thing. I am certified. Now, I can take you money. The weird thing thought was, I think he actually cared about me.
Sure he didn’t care like a father or a brother. But he was genuinely interested in me. I was his genie pig. I would be his greatest work, if he could mould me right. But he cared. I guess you don’t as weird as me every day. Well, depends on where you look.
I opened my eyes, and found myself at my dad’s desk. There was a coffee and a donut in front of where my face was on the desk. I took a sip from the coffee and felt it slip down my throat.
‘Hey Sam.’
I looked up to see the same old face of Detective Sean Phase who was also dad’s best friend.
‘You got into another fight I hear.’ I half bowed my head in shame. ‘One of these days, something’s gonna go wrong, and no one will be there to stop you. You need to be careful.’
I could see the softness in Sean’s eyes which said he was didn’t want anything to happen to me. I don’t get why people cared so much. But it felt comforting.
‘Hey John,’ Sean said seeing my dad.
My dad nodded back at him.
‘I better go finish up the Rattner case paperwork,’ Sean said making an excuse to leave the two of us.[quote]

Notice how, where Sean is talking about the MC’s fight, I didn’t make a new paragraph after his first sentence of speech. I did this because it seemed right for his speech to just carry on. I would have been more comfortable doing this if you had put something else besides, “I half bowed my head in shame.”. Like this:
‘You got into another fight I hear.’ Sean said, both condemning and condoling me with his serious gaze. ‘One of these days, something’s gonna go wrong, and no one will be there to stop you. You need to be careful.’

Overview

Overall, you did very well. Your idea for a strange, dangerously forceful psychosis may not be new, but you presented it masterfully. Your voice (coming from the MC) is very rarely passive (a good thing) but you didn’t expound his character very much. I know you might have wanted the stereotyped teenager who doesn’t care much for his surroundings and the people in them, but you certainly don’t want him to be a robot.
Mainly, try to understand your character; get in his head. How does he feel about the tapping? He seems to submit to it rather unquestioningly, doesn’t he want to stop? Did he try to kick the habit before? And does the previous failure still weigh heavily on him?
Work with it
Alright, I think I’ve made this review long enough (6 pages).
Until later, RoyalSeal,
Jenth.