Thrown Away

Thrown Away

Chapter One

There is a place for kids like me, it's called Juvenile Hall. No, I haven't been arrested yet but I've had about a million "last warnings". My foster home hates me, I don't blame them and I go to school at a place for the mentally and socially challenged.

Anti-socials and nut-cases don't mix, trust me on that.

I'm a shoplifter, a graffiti artist and I've fought far more then my share of fights. When I get mad, I throw punches, don't ask me to explain it. It's just something in my mind that says: This guy's an idiot. Knock 'im out cold.

Whether that's a mental or anti-social thing, I'm not sure, but I'm still waiting on that sudden burst of rage that'll finally send me to Juvie and away from my Foster Home and this hellish school.


"Yo, Kay!" Eric called from across the hall as I was walking to class, his long, black bangs in his face. "You still owe me money."

"Yeah, yeah. I know." I muttered, digging in my wallet for the money. "I needed more spray paint." I sighed, handing him a wad of bills.

He snatched the bills from my hand. "Ten, twenty, thirty.... Okay you're good." You see, if you ever need a transaction, Eric's defiantly your loan shark. Where he gets all his money, no one knows, (Though we're all pretty sure he steals it) but he always has some.

I nodded and started walking back when he called me again.

"Wait one sec there, Kay."

I swallowed. What was it now?

"Wanna ditch school today, sneak into a movie?" It was so like Eric to suggest truancy and theft in the same sentence.

I shrugged. "Depends. This ain't a date, is it?" I narrowed my eyes, trying to see his evil plan.

He laughed and shook his head. "Nah, we're friends. Can't friends go see a movie together?"

I kept my eyes narrowed. Eric had never been what I'd call a "friend"... not that I'd ever had one before. "Friends...." I muttered.

"Yeah, friends. You comin'?"

I sighed. There's no arguing with him. He's about three times as stubborn as I am, and I'm pretty damn stubborn. "Fine. We'll go see a movie."

He smiled a sort of sly smile that made me flinch. He was up to something. "Great! I just need to make one stop first." And before I could protest, he had my arm and was leading me to his car (stolen, I presume) and starting the engine.

Eric spun the car around and started out the parking lot. I heard a 'thud' and looked out the window to see Leonerd, a guy from our school, fall backward and hit the pavement. He sat there, stunned for a moment as Eric laughed. He stopped when he realized I wasn't laughing with him.

"Aw, come on. I barely hit him."

"I know your record. You don't need another hit and run." I told him.

"Oh, you sound like my mom. Leonerd won't report it, you know that. He's scared of me."

"Everyone in the right mind is scared of you."

He started driving again, leaving Leonerd to walk, dazed, to class. "Are you?"

I thought for a moment. "No," I said at last, "but I'm not exactly in what you'd call 'the right mind'."

Eric chuckled and kept driving. I was so sick of his cackling laughter, I started considering the possibility of jumping out the window.

No time. "We're here!" He announced, jumping out of the car and opening my door. "After you, Milady." He said in mock formality.

I glared at him and got out. This was the last time I would ever go out with him, date or no date.

"Hey, cheer up. We're here." He repeated.

And where was here, you ask? I glanced over to where Eric was walking, a look of joy streaked across his face like a kid in a candy shop. He was entering a grey-walled building with a cheap old sign that read; SAL'S WEAPONRY.

Eric's candy shop. A gun store.


(Anyone else find it funny that my story's rated 16+ when I'm 14?)

Looks good. I really liked your comment on how antisocials and nutcases don't mix. There were a few errors in your punctuation, but I didn't really find anything else. I apologize in advance if any of these are wrong.

There is a place for kids like me, I think this would go better with a ; there’s two sentences here it's called Juvenile Hall. No, I haven't been arrested yet needs a , but I've had about a million "last warnings". My foster home hates me, I don't blame them needs a , and I go to school at a place for the mentally and socially challenged. The last sentence is a little weird, but it’ll pass if you add a comma.

Anti-socials and nut-cases don't mix, trust me on that. That’s two different sentences.

I'm a shoplifter, a graffiti artist, and I've fought far more then my share of fights. When I get mad, I throw punches, Needs either a . or ; don't ask me to explain it. It's just something in my mind that says: This guy's an idiot. Knock 'im out cold.

Whether that's a mental or anti-social thing, I'm not sure, but I'm still waiting on that sudden burst of rage that'll finally send me to Juvie and away from my Foster Home and this hellish school. Is this a run on sentence?

"Yo, Kay!" Eric called from across the hall as I was walking to class, period not comma his long, black bangs in his face. "You still owe me money."

"Yeah, yeah. I know." I muttered, digging in my wallet for the money. "I needed more spray paint." I sighed, handing him a wad of bills.

He snatched the bills from my hand. "Ten, twenty, thirty.... Okay you're good." You see, if you ever need a transaction, Eric's defiantly your loan shark. Where he gets all his money, no one knows, (Though we're all pretty sure he steals it) but he always has some.

I nodded and started walking back when he called me again.

"Wait one sec there, Kay."

I swallowed. What was it now?

"Wanna ditch school today, sneak into a movie?" It was so like Eric to suggest truancy and theft in the same sentence.

I shrugged. "Depends. This ain't a date, is it?" I narrowed my eyes, trying to see his evil plan.

He laughed and shook his head. "Nah, we're friends. Can't friends go see a movie together?"

I kept my eyes narrowed. Eric had never been what I'd call a "friend"... not that I'd ever had one before. "Friends...." I muttered.

"Yeah, friends. You comin'?"

I sighed. There's no arguing with him. He's about three times as stubborn as I am, and I'm pretty damn stubborn. "Fine. We'll go see a movie."

He smiled a sort of sly smile that made me flinch. He was up to something. "Great! I just need to make one stop first." And before I could protest, he had my arm and was leading me to his car (stolen, I presume) and starting the engine.

Eric spun the car around and started out the parking lot. I heard a 'thud' and looked out the window to see Leonerd, a guy from our school, fall backward and hit the pavement. He sat there, stunned for a moment as Eric laughed. He stopped when he realized I wasn't laughing with him.

"Aw, come on. I barely hit him."

"I know your record. You don't need another hit and run." I told him.

"Oh, you sound like my mom. Leonerd won't report it, you know that. He's scared of me."

"Everyone in the right mind is scared of you."

He started driving again, leaving Leonerd to walk, dazed, to class. "Are you?"

I thought for a moment. "No," I said at last, "but I'm not exactly in what you'd call 'the right mind'."

Eric chuckled and kept driving. I was so sick of his cackling laughter, Either a semicolon or period I started considering the possibility of jumping out the window.

No time. "We're here!" He announced, jumping out of the car and opening my door. "After you, Milady." He said in mock formality.

I glared at him and got out. This was the last time I would ever go out with him, date or no date.

"Hey, cheer up. We're here." He repeated.

And where was here, you ask? I glanced over to where Eric was walking, a look of joy streaked across his face like a kid in a candy shop. He was entering a grey-walled building with a cheap old sign that read; SAL'S WEAPONRY.

Eric's candy shop. A gun store.

The type of writing that I like to read it this kind. You would think that when someone posts something on general fiction novels it would be something that's not fantasy at all, but no. Every time I go to read one it's always something fantasy. Not that I hate fantasy it's just not what I like to read. I like to read things in simple writing (She did this he did that is what I like rather than an entire paragraph devoted to her moving across the room) and things about things that could actually happen in reality but isn't very likely to happen and wouldn't happen to just anyone. So thanks for finally giving me something that didn't bore me to death.

I really liked the story. It's not very often you hear a story about juvenile convicts. But I think you could do a lot more with this. I want to be able to get inside the characters head and understand what she's thinking. Does she like this guy? What does she think of being in this place? What did she do to get there? A back story might be nice. I think just explaining things a bit more would make it great and then maybe writing the next part. I do understand it's a novel and this is only your first part so maybe you plan to explain it more. I hope so.

I reviewed your comic strip and that's how I ended up reviewing this. So you can draw and write. That's definitely good. Keep up the good work!

At last someone likes this simplistic style!

I love books like this, where it's written as though the real character were writing.
I will post more. Thank you.

BTW, if you like stories written as though you were really inside the character's head, read The Knife Of Never Letting Go by Patrick Ness and the rest of the Chaos Walking trilogy. Amazing books, written so realisticly, you become convinced it's all real, that you're there, you feel the pain, you feel the sorrow, the horror, the joy, the shock, everything.

It is Si-Fi but it's more real than anything I've ever read before in my life. There is no narrator, only the characters. (It's mostly action but it also contains one of the most truthful, sincere, and real love stories I've ever known.

I love stories like that. Simple, sometimes even crude, but still beautiful and lingering. I love books like that. Ones that seem... real.

Okay. I'll have to look into those.

And might I suggest adding your chapters to a novel so they're all connected? And that way you can give your reader the plot.

This is definitely the kind of story that keeps me reading. It is the heart and soul of teen angst! Raw, and thoroughly relateable to real life. I think what you've got here is really good. I agree with the other post though, it would be nice to be able to go deeper into the character's mind. It's always better when the reader can understand further the feelings of the characters thoughts. And your main character seems as if she's got a lot to put out on the table.

My last critique I would say is maybe possibly consider lengthening your chapters a little. I know when I am writing a story I use to always fear my story would be too too long, or too too short. I'm not sure if the thought has ever crossed your mind before, but I think a longer chapter in your case especially would benefit you immensely. The reader could get more in that way and it would help with the flow of your story as well. I hope you at least consider the thought. I really think It'd be nice to get more in

I do have longer chapters later on. It starts out short, though, because I had limited time to write and I was writing one chapter in a day. This is actually the test-novel that I have here. The real one is one I intend to try and get published, the story is slightly different and some of the names change. I figured I could get opinions on the test-novel online and try to improve as much as possible to get a shot at real publication.

Thank you everyone for your help. The real novel has much longer chapters, chapter one being over seven pages long on a word document.

Thank you! Please keep commenting. I really appreciate the help.