Can You See Me? (Chapter Two)

Spoiler

This was originally going to be posted in two parts, but I didn't like that... Therefore, I've edited the second half of the chapter onto this.

I'm not that happy with this chapter. I'm not even sure if I can carry on with this, but I am going to try. You're just going to have to bear with me a little bit. There's lots of issues that I know are in the novel so far, and I'm struggling to fix them, which explains my hesitance of continuing this. Hopefully, you guys can help me out a little so that I don't have to resort to that! Thanks, guys.

If there's a phrase, word, or anything like that you don't understand, just let me know. Hopefully, I'll be able to explain what they mean. Thanks, guys!

Click here to join the club for Can You See Me? Or die.

Can You See Me? ~ Chapter Two

Community service... They were kidding, right? Cleaning up a park for a couple of cans and a sausage roll? Maxxie leaned back against the wall and shrugged. How bad could it be? For all he knew, today could have been easier than scoring an own goal in a game of football, which was a walk in the park for him - no pun intended. Pick up a couple of crisp packets and he’d be good to go.
He watched aimlessly as the probation officer wandered back and forth, yakking while his several chins vibrated. Maxxie wrapped his arms around his body in an attempt to warm himself up. A ski jacket would have been wonderful right now. He sighed. Since when did hypothermia become part of the punishment?
The probation officer raised his deep voice, catching Maxxie’s attention. That guy could have done with one of those gastric band things. Maxxie huffed, impatiently tapping his foot.
“Foul, threatening or abusive language will not be tolerated. No illegal drugs or alcohol. If I suspect that anyone is under the influence, I will call the police immediately. No mobile phones allowed.” Who are we going to call? The Dalai Lama? “Failure to follow my instructions will be punished.”
A couple of the guys around Maxxie sniggered, making crude comments. The boy next to him smelt like a packet of fags mixed with a hint of yesterday's coffee. Maxxie tried his best not to inhale too strongly.
“You will have a ten minute brake at eleven, and a half an hour lunch break at one – if you’ve brought food, that is. You won’t be allowed to leave to buy food anywhere.”
Maxxie stood straight, clenching his jaw. That was lunch out of the window. More mutters came out from the others as he groaned at the prospect of missing lunch. He hadn’t even had any breakfast.
Maxxie glared at the probation worker as he picked up a pile of reflective vests from the table next to him. He was surprised the man hadn’t shoved them down his gob and eaten them. Maxxie frowned. He was going to miss food today...
The man handed the youths one of the bright orange vests each, literally spitting into their faces that they had to wear them at all times. Maxxie’s face was actually wet by the time he’d been spoken to. He frowned at the jacket for the second time. His hair was bright enough; having basically a traffic cone around his torso was going to make him look like a complete idiot. Any hopes of today being enjoyable were gradually dissolving into despair.
The kids were allowed to have a locker each for any items that they carried with them. Due to orders, Maxxie threw his phone into one of the small lockers, along with his iPod. If he fell into a bush and broke his arm or something, unable to ring anyone for help, he was definitely suing.
When he was younger, he used to spend quite a bit of time here in the centre due to football practises and other sporting events. He sucked at every one of them, so he had no idea why he used to do it all. He threw his spare hoodie into the grey locker and it landed in a crumpled heap. Sion had always been impossibly good at sports, especially football; much better than Maxxie.
There was a rather dingy mirror stuck onto the locker’s door, making Maxxie jump as he saw his own reflection. Yep. The vest would painfully clash with his light hair, which he was growing to hate more every day. It made him look like a fricking woman. If he had it his way, it would have been your average brown colour. For some stupid reason though, his dad wouldn't even consider letting him dye it. Maxxie sighed. He didn’t even want to get started on his eyes.
Fed up of his own face, he turned back to the inside of his locker. Would he need that hoodie he just threw in? He was freezing... Then again, he couldn’t be arsed to carry it around with him if he got warm. Ah well, he’d have to freeze. Besides, it could help him put hypothermia on his what-to-sue-the-law-for list. Shrugging, he turned back to the mirror.
“Shit!”
Maxxie’s heart leaped in an attempt to escape from his ribcage. His eyes remained fixed to the mirror. Please no... In the mirror’s reflection was a small, dark-haired girl.
“I thought you couldn’t see the dead's reflection,” he muttered, turning around.
The little girl rolled her chocolate coloured eyes, which were ironically full of life. She sat on one of the wooden benches in the middle of the changing room, crossing her legs.
“Nope, that’s vampires actually, and they don’t even exist anyway. There’s no such thing as monsters. Any grown up can tell you that. And you shouldn’t say the S word; it’s naughty.”
She flicked one of her plaits off of her shoulder as she tilted her head, watching Maxxie. Not meeting her gaze, he kept his eyes on one of the other boys at the other end of the room. The guy had a terribly noticeable moustache forming, contrasting rather badly with his practically bald head.
That boy was singing, tapping his locker in a rhythmic motion with added drum beat sound effects. Maxxie doubted that the guy was going to look in their direction anytime soon. He clearly had more important things to concentrate on.
“You never answered me!” The girl uncrossed her legs. “Why can you see me?”
Maxxie shut his locker, turning the knob and locking the door. He glanced back and forth between the the girl and the young Freddie Mercury for a moment.
“It’s just this thing I can do,” he replied, concentrating on the girl. “Can you just leave me alone?”
“Why?” She frowned. “I’ve been looking for you for ages and ages and ages! Can you make my daddy see me?” Her eyes lit up again. “I want to speak to him, Oh, and I’m Roxanne! Just call me Roxy though!” The girl was grinning now.
“Tidy.” Maxxie slipped his arms through the vest he was given by the probation worker. “And no, sorry.”
Roxy wasn’t planning on taking that for an answer. She stored the questions she had in her mind for later on. As Maxxie made his way out of the room, she followed behind, skipping and humming.
Just as she was about to leave the room, Roxy spun back around and smiled. She gazed innocently at the youth who was still singing loudly. Seconds later, his locker door had slammed against his hand thanks to an unrecognisable force, causing him to yelp, finally shutting up.
“Ta,” Maxxie said to her, smiling slightly.
The probation worker led the youths out of the sports centre, each one of them far from enthusiastic. There was a short ten minute walk until they reached the park entrance. The group weren’t hard to miss in their traffic cone-like vests, and Maxxie couldn’t help but notice a few people staring at them as they passed. Great. Everyone else knew that he was part of the chav clan.
None of the group appeared to be especially interesting. There were six of them altogether, but there was only one girl, and she hadn’t said a word since he’d arrived. He watched as a couple of the guys messed about.
“Hey! Look, Nate!” It was the boy from the changing rooms. He nudged the lad with red hair next to him. “There’s your mum!” He began laughing his head off as he pointed at a rat-like dog sitting beside a rose bush.
Duw, these guys are like five year olds. Your mum jokes? Is he serious?
Maxxie grinned. He pushed in between the two boys, amiably lifting his arms over each one of them.
“I reckon yours is hotter though.” Maxxie nodded at the faeces beside the dog.
“Shut up, blondie,” the boy mumbled, pushing Maxxie’s arm off of his shoulder.
He stomped ahead, muttering under his breath. Owned. Nate laughed beside Maxxie as the other boy shoved his hands in his pockets, heading towards the front of the group.
Maxxie lifted his arm off Nate’s shoulder, not really wanting to give the wrong impression. It would have been worth making one friend during this community service thing.
“What are you here for then?” Nate asked, a strong Irish accent in his voice.
“Nothing really.” Maxxie shrugged. “Just nicked some stuff. You?”
“Same,” Nate replied. “You nick a couple of frozen pizzas and a Wham! CD, and you end up here. What a load of shit.”
He had a point. There were a countless amount of murderers roaming around, and the police of today were more worried about teenagers stealing frozen foods.
Maxxie nodded in agreement with him, looking up at the grey sky. If it was going to snow, he’d be really pissed off. The air around him was nipping at his bare body parts, almost freezing his toes. He was certainly regretting leaving his hoodie in the locker now.
“How many hours of this do you ha-”
Maxxie was interrupted by a sudden thud against his back. He jerked forward, almost falling on his face. He heard Nate laughing beside him.
“Whoa! I didn’t hit you that hard, Max! Don’t go flying!”
Maxxie turned around to be welcomed by a wonderfully familiar face. Sion grinned at him, his hands in his tracksuit pockets, and a beautifully warm looking hoodie covering his torso.
Pulling his hands out of his pockets, he reached out to the side where there was a bench. When he brought his hand back, there was a long, silver litter picker in it.
“Right... Am I missing something?” Maxxie asked, tilting his head.
“I volunteered to clean up this crap hole, and my mum hardly protested. They hand out volunteer work like puppies nowadays.” Sion clicked the litter picker together. “It’s kind of my fault that you’re here anyway... What can I say? I have a guilty conscience. Plus, judging by these creeps.” He glanced at Nate. “No offence.”
“None taken.”
“You could do with my company.” Sion lifted the litter picker and tapped Maxxie on the shoulder. “Nice vest thing, by the way, Maxxie. Nice and ginger.” He looked at Nate again. “No offence.”
“None taken.”
Maxxie couldn’t help but laugh once more. To his relief, the despair of today was gradually disappearing now. Was Sion seriously going to do this with him? It wasn’t even nine o’ clock yet, so that was practically six in the morning for Sion. Maxxie clicked his tongue and smiled. This community service thing would be easy.

*****

Sion may have been there, but the day was passing by so slowly, it actually hurt. Who knew what it would have been like without him or Nate to keep Maxxie company. Maxxie had actually resorted to figuring out which bush had the most leaves. So far, a holly bush beside one of the ponds was winning.
Checking that the probation worker wasn’t looking, Maxxie sat down on one of the benches. Over three hours had passed, but he hadn’t sat down once besides the ten minute break at eleven. He’d only sat down for a few minutes then.
A couple of people passed, most of them staring at Maxxie warily as they did so. One woman even tied the leash back onto her dog’s collar as she passed. What did she think he was going to do? Offer the thing drugs? He had to admit, it was embarrassing. He closed his eyes for a few seconds and tried to pay attention to something else.
Opening them again, his eyes followed a brown duck as it shuffled through the water of one of the ponds. He would have loved some crispy duck right now... With sweet and sour sauce. Throw some egg fried rice in, and he’d be in heaven.
“Aren’t they cute? I like brown ones.”
Maxxie whipped his head at the sound of a voice, glancing at the other end of the bench. Sitting on the ground, her legs crossed, was a girl.
He furrowed his eyebrows as he gazed at her. Even though the sky was completely clear, she was holding a pink umbrella over her head. Resting on her lap was a thick book that hurt to look at, let alone read. A pair of round, white sunglasses covered her eyes, and she wore a long, white dress.
“You look like you’ve seen a ghost.” She turned to face him, her eyes still covered by the sunglasses.
Maxxie didn’t listen to what she said properly. He was a little more confused about the fact that she was wearing a summer dress in November.
“Do you believe in them?” She put her book down, flat down.
“Ducks...?”
“Ghosts.”
Maxxie felt his face reddening. He stammered as the girl stretched her legs out, twirling her pink, Asian style umbrella.
She didn’t know, did she? How could she have known? Maxxie mentally kicked himself. He was jumping to conclusions; she just asked a simple question, even if it was the most bizarre one possible to ask a guy they don’t know.
Maxxie was about to answer when he took a glimpse of the book she’d been reading. He concentrated on the title. Gwirodydd a Gythreuliaid. He furrowed his eyebrows. Spirits and Demons. Was the girl trying to take the piss?
“Um, no...” Maxxie’s eyes shifted back to the fair-haired girl. “It’s a load of crap. Why are you asking?”
The girl shrugged. “Just interested.” She tapped the book. “According to this, fifty six percent of women believe in ghosts, and thirty eight percent of men do." She glanced at her mulit-coloured nails. "I do.”
“Okay... Uh, who are you...?” Maxxie asked slowly.
“Eirin.” She twirled the umbrella and giggled.
Maxxie's stomach flipped. It's just a name...
“Eirin Amalie.”
“Why... Why have you got an umbrella?”
“It keeps me shaded.”
Shaded from what...? The bush behind her? Hang on, why was she even on the ground? There was a bench, literally, right next to her. Someone needed a visit to an asylum.
Maxxie turned away from her, slightly worried that she’d start singing Sweedish nursery rhymes or something. He watched the duck again as it flapped its wings above the calm water. The bushes and plants around it were overgrown; the community service group were cutting them on Monday, apparently. Taking into account that Maxxie couldn’t swim, that would have been a barrel of laughs. He leaned back on the bench. It was another thing to put on the sue list, he supposed.
As he tried to concentrate on the landscape, he couldn’t help but glance back at the fair girl on the floor. There was something about a girl that wore sunglasses in the middle of winter that he simply couldn’t quite feel comfortable around.
“Hey, you!” The probation worker’s voice made Maxxie snap his head up. “Stop slacking! Do some bloody work!”
“Go and buy a workout DVD,” Maxxie muttered, standing up.
Grabbing his litter picker, he dragged his feet back towards the rest of the gang. He could just manage to see Nate and Sion beside one of the gazebos.
“Bye,” Eirin said quietly.
Maxxie stopped and noticed that her eyes were gazing into the book again, the umbrella still held firmly with her spare hand.
“Don’t pick up any bread; the birds will eat it.”
“I won’t... Bye...”
Uh huh... She so needs to be sectioned.
Maxxie left the bench area rather hastily, doing so with a hint of curiosity in his mind. He’d never seen that girl around. In such a crappy little town like this, you were a loner if you didn’t at least recognise everyone. He supposed she was new here.
It wasn’t long until he reached Sion and Nate again. When Maxxie was close enough, Sion threw a half full packet of panty liners at him, hitting Maxxie’s face.
“Score! I’ve always been epic at sports,” he boasted.
“Sion, why are you throwing your panty liners at me? Don’t you need them to keep yourself clean?” Maxxie winked at him.
Sion tried glaring at him, but it only resulted in the three boys laughing. Mr. I-eat-a-refrigerator-for-breakfast clearly didn’t like that.
“This is not a time for you to mess about like children,” the probation worked hissed at them. “If this carries on, you’re hours of work will increase.”
“Pfft, I don’t even have to be here, buddy,” Sion said.
The probation worker practically snarled at him, muttering something about the youth of today under his breath.
Ignoring the man’s orders, the boys continued throwing rubbish at each other; they just did it when the probation worker wasn’t looking. The guy who’d called Nate’s mum a dog managed to keep the probation worker’s attention most of the time anyway. He somehow struggled to figure out how to use the litter picker, to the boys’ amusement.
“Hey, who’s the creep?” Nate nodded at Eirin Amalie.
She was still sitting comfortably on the floor beside the bench. Maxxie wasn’t shocked to see that she still had an umbrella in her hands and a pair of sunglasses on her face. He shook his head in disbelief. She had an old fashioned picnic basket now.
“I dunno,” Maxxie half lied.
“You were talking to her earlier...” Sion butted in.
Maxxie hardly did know her. He knew her name, and he knew that she would have fitted in perfectly in a nutter’s home, but except for that... Nothing.
“I didn’t say much to her. She just asked me what the time was.”
Maxxie didn’t really want to describe their discussion of ducks and dead people. Unless he wanted continuous taunting, that wasn’t a brilliant idea.
Sion and Nate soon forgot about Eirin, replacing their previous interest of her with the pleasure of throwing leftover bread at the ducks. Maxxie’s eyes remained on her though, his mind pondering. Why had she asked him such a weird question? About spirits? Was he positive that she didn’t know anything?
He picked up a packet of crisps, dropping it into one of the bins beside him. Of course she didn’t know. She was probably just into that kind of stuff; she was reading that book, after all. Maxxie needed to stop being so paranoid.

*****

Lunch time hadn’t been as bad as Maxxie first thought. Both Sion and Nate had shared their food with him, although Sion ate more of Nate’s food than the other two boys. In fact, Maxxie almost expected Sion to have eaten the rubbish they were supposed to be picking up.
Another two or so hours passed, and before the boys knew it, it was three o’ clock. Today had gone a lot smoother than Maxxie had initially thought. He was surprisingly shattered by the end of the day and his legs were aching from standing on them for so long, but except for that, he was feeling pretty good.
Although Sion wasn’t technically part of the criminal community service group, he spent all of his time with them. It was either them, Eirin Amalie, or a couple of staring dog walkers, so there wasn’t much of a choice.
“I better go then, Max,” Sion said. “My folks expected me back by two.”
“Tra, mate,” Maxxie replied. “See you later.”
Sion said goodbye to both Maxxie and Nate before heading towards the park entrance. The community service group had to go back to the sports centre now; the probation worker was going to discuss their behaviour or something.
By the time they were back in the sports centre, Maxxie had almost dropped off. He leaned against the wall, feeling his eyelids dropping as the probation worker droned on. It wasn’t as though he was saying anything important; he even complimented them once or twice.
Maxxie happily returned his reflective vest, a glorious feeling running through his body as he did so. That damn thing had gotten him a number of dirty glares. After collecting his stuff from his locker, Maxxie could finally go home. What a great way to spend a Saturday.
He was pulling his hoodie over his body when he noticed Roxy sitting on the changing room bench, exactly like she had been earlier. For once, she hadn’t made him jump out of his skin.
“Where have you been all day? I expected you to be stalking me.” Maxxie shrugged. “I was kind of disappointed.”
“My daddy went to a rugby game, so I went with him to watch,” she replied. “New Zealand won! My daddy said a lot of naughty words when they did.”
“Hey, Darren Christopher’s your dad, right?” Maxxie asked. Roxy nodded, straightening her dress out. “How long have you been... You know, not alive.”
“Um...” Roxy thought. “About eighteen years, I think.”
Maxxie nodded as he took his phone out of his bag. Not to his surprise, his dad hadn’t tried contacting him. He had a few missed calls from Aiden, but that was about it.
Making sure that there was nothing left in his locker, Maxxie went to leave the room. He’d suspected that Roxy had been dead for a while; certainly for a short while before Maxxie was born. She wore a classic checked ninety’s dress that fell just below her knees, and the red bows at the bottom of her plaits matched it perfectly.
Darren Christopher had recently moved into the town, obviously bringing an unknown friend with him by doing so. Maxxie’s dad and him had been friends for a while, but Darren was only now moving to the town. Maxxie wasn’t sure why he wanted to move; the place was basically a ghost town. Maxxie chuckled. He was good at this inside joke thing.
Maxxie decided to walk home through the park because he felt way too tired to go along the road way. That would have taken him at least another fifteen minutes. As he made his way to the park, Roxy skipped behind.
“Does this mean I can hang out with you?” she asked as they passed one of the ponds.
“Well... I don’t know. Honestly though, Roxy, I can’t let you speak to your dad. It doesn’t work like that.” Maxxie laughed. “Not without me basically dying.”
“Okay... Is that a yes then?”
Roxy’s face lit up, a broad grin spread across it. A pair of simples appeared on her pale face as her smile expanded. Maxxie couldn’t say no to that.
“Actually...” Maxxie muttered to himself. “Roxy, you know when you died?” She nodded. “Did you get this feeling? Like... Like you could have shut your eyes and everything would feel bright and warm.” She nodded again. “Okay, well did you shut your eyes?”
“Nope. I didn’t want to.” She paused. “Well, I did for a little bit, but I didn’t like it.”
Maxxie paused at a small tree, his eyes narrowed. He had met a couple of dead guys and gals who hadn’t shut their eyes before, but never one who had, but then opened them again. ‘The Feeling’ was constantly too overwhelming for them to do that.
Realising that Maxxie had confusion on his face, Roxy’s lips pouted. She flicked herself to be right in front of him.
“Was I supposed to? I haven’t done it wrong, have I? Oh, no!”
“No, no... I don’t... Well, I don’t think so. It’s not like there are rules...”
That relaxed her a bit, but Maxxie remained unsure. How was she supposed to cross over now? She’d already had ‘The Feeling’. As far as he was aware, it only happened once. Unless it was given to you at the time of death, there was always something holding you back; unfinished business. Maxxie had seen and heard about lot of dodgy things, but this was one he’d never come across.
It didn’t seem to bother Roxy all that much because she was soon skipping happily ahead. Maxxie tried not to let himself think about it much; he was anxious enough about getting home and being welcomed by his father’s judgemental questions.
“Maxxie!” Roxy called, stopping by a bench. “Maxxie!” she soon called again.
Maxxie shook his head. No patience. As he neared the bench, he realised where he was. It almost looked like a different place entirely without Eirin Amalie sitting on the ground.
“Do you speak Welsh?” Roxy asked, twirling the end of her plait.
“Yep. Why?” Maxxie asked, also stopping at the bench.
“What does that say?”
She pointed at the ground, her head tilted to one side. Maxxie looked over Roxy’s shoulder at where her index finger was pointed. Lying opened, but face down on the ground was a thick, hardcover book. Scribbled in an old fashioned styled writing over the cover was a title that read Gwirodydd a Gythreuliaid.

Hey Skins!

I thought this was funny. You've managed to capture the voices of delinquents very aptly. Almost too well in fact. Anyway, yes, there were a few phrases I'm not accustomed to seeing or hearing such as

“Ta,” Maxxie said to her, smiling slightly.

what's a "ta"?
Haha and

Duw, these guys were like five year olds.

"Duw?" The only thing I could think of even resembling a word would be "duh". But that's slang for 'stating the obvious'.
And then there was

Everyone else knew that he was part of the chav clan.

I have no idea what a chav clan is. I don't know. You will have to explain I suppose.
To make matters worse for my Americanized brain, I kept seeing spelling errors like "unrecognisable", "centre", and "friendlily" (which I reckon is actually a spelling error, what with the extra l) that aren't actually errors at all. I've read enough British Lit to recognize the alternate spellings. But don't worry about me, I'll survive!

If I had to choose my favorite part of this chapter, I would say it was this sentence:

He watched aimlessly as the probation officer wandered back and forth, yakking as his several chins vibrated.

I literally snorted when I first read it, and must say, I thought that the image is hilarious. Several chins...haha.
Good luck with the rest of your novel! Can't wait to read it!

Happy Writing!
Bailey

You pointed out the exact words I'd expected to be pointed out, baywolf! xD

As for those words, they are British ones that are both English and Welsh.

Ta = Slang for thank you

Duw = Welsh for God ~ as in God, these guys were like five year olds. It's said in the exact same was as you'd say due or dew.

Chav = A bit of a hard one to explain...

After Googling define:chav, I got this: an aggressive teenager, typically unemployed or of white working class background, who repeatedly engages in anti-social behaviour. My definition of chav is basically someone who thinks they are immensely cool, when in reality, they buy knock off clothes and hang out in parks with cans of alcohol at fourteen.


Thanks a bunch for the review, baywolf!

Hey, Skins. I know you didn't request anything, but I just thought I'd give you a review. =))

NITPICKS|PAY ATTENTION|CHANGED

Community service... They were kidding, right?

This seemed inappropriate for an opening line, well, not just an opening line, for a novel. If I may suggest, this should be a thought.

....No mobile phones allowed.”
¶
Who are we going to call? The Dalai Lama?
¶
“Failure to follow my instructions will be punished.”

Yep.

>> Are you sure with all those slang? You're writing in third person, it kinda sounds, I don't know...mmm... O_o

It made him look like a fricking woman.

Maxxie’s heart leaped, an attempt to escape from his ribcage.

>> Maybe this could be, "Maxxie’s heart leaped in an attempt to escape from his ribcage."
The phrase kinda cuts the flow.

“Nope, that’s vampires actually, and they don’t even exist anyway. There’s no such thing as monsters. Any grown up can tell you that. And you shouldn’t say the S word; it’s naughty.”

>> Oh, oh! I love her already. hahaha...

“Ta,” Maxxie said to her, smiling slightly.

>> Okay, if you're using another language, at least please italicize it so the reader can distinguish/ the reader won't think it's some kind of typo. =))

Great. Everyone else knew that he was part of the chav clan.

>> Those remarks just sound like the character will say/ speak it, not the narrator.

The boy from the changing rooms said, nudging the lad with red hair besidehim.

>> The two sentences cut the flow... and with all those pronouns, so if you'd like it, please accept my suggestion. =)

Duw, these guys were like five year olds. Your mum jokes? Was he serious?

>> You're beginning to sound like you're writing in first person.

Maxxie clicked his tongue and smiled.

>> Just remembered you elf. Haha...

OVERALL FOR CHAPTER TWO PART ONE

Skins, sadly, you were beginning to sound like you were narrating in first person. I guess, too much slang than necessary, as well as fragments--well, you hafta make up your mind fast: first, or third? It wouldn't be that hard!

All of my nitpicks are above now, so I'll be commenting on the plot. Roxanne is being brought up nicely, as well as Maxxie. I can't really say much now, I guess I'll have to wait for the second part. Sorry if I wasn't able to say much. See you at the next part!

~~ Nephew ♥

Hey, there! So, here we go again.

Nitpicks:

...yakking as his several chins vibrated.

- 'several chins'?

“You will have a ten minute brake at eleven..."

- I think, you should hyphenate 'ten' and 'minute'
- Typo: 'break'

In the mirror’s reflection was a small, dark haired girl.

- I already told you in the previous chapter that you should hyphenate 'dark' and 'haired'. >.<

There was a short ten minute walk...

- Hyphenate 'ten' and 'minute'.

...friendlily lifting his arms over each one of them.

- 'friendly' is already an adverb.

Nate asked, a strong irish accent in his voice.

- I think, you should capitalize the first letter of 'irish'.



About the 'duw' and 'ta' thing, I think you should've defined it after the post (ex. *ta - *insert meaning here*) xD. Anyway, I think this chapter (part 1) was fine. It wasn't boring but there were quite a number of things to mention. It seems, for me, that you keep having the same mistakes.

For example:

Your mum jokes? Was he serious?

The story isn't set in a POV so 'Your mum jokes?' is wrong, neither is 'Was he serious?'. They seemed like they were thoughts of Maxxie so, I think, they should be something like 'Your mum jokes? Are you serious?' and italicize them. If they were your own personal comments written in the story as the author, you should use 'he' since you're not (a character) inside the story itself.

To put simply, these are my corrections/suggestions:

As Maxxie's thoughts - 'Your mum jokes? Are you serious?'

As your own comments - 'His mum jokes? Is he serious?'

I think, it is more preferable to write them as Maxxie's thoughts.



Those were the only problems I had with this post. I want to see what happens next. The connection to the first chapter isn't quite strong yet though.

Hullo, Sir! I really don't have time to do this review, but oh well -- here goes. ^.^

For all he knew, today could have been easier than scoring an own goal in a game of football, which was a walk in the park for him - no pun intended.

This might just be a phrase I'm not used to, but it sounds awkward to me. Also, this whole first paragraph felt pretty bare to me... but more about that later. ^.~

He watched aimlessly as the probation officer wandered back and forth, yakking as his several chins vibrated.

I hate to say this, because it's kind of nit-picky (and because everyone loves this sentence!) but I don't like the repetition of "as" it makes the sentence structure/flow weird. Maybe try something more like "As Maxxie watched, the probation officer wandered back and forth, vibrating his several chins with his yakking." Hm... that's not such a great revision either, but I think you get the point. I like the image of vibrating chins, but fitting all that information into one sentence is a tough case.

Maxxie huffed as he impatiently tapped his foot.

Wait. So the officer's tapping his own foot? Or is he tapping Maxxie's foot? Or is Maxxie tapping the officer's foot? Or, maybe, Maxxie is tapping his own foot? The possibilities are endless! I'm pretty sure I know what you actually wanted to say, but because of the possible double-meaning of the word "tap," and the ambiguity of which "he" you're talking about, it gets a little confusing.

The group were allowed to have a locker each for any items that they carried with them.

Referring to them as a group, and as "each" in one sentence strikes me as rather awkward. Maybe start with "the kids/youths in the group," or something along those lines?

The vest would painfully clash with his light hair, which he was growing to hate every day.

Growing to hate more? Also, if he hates it so much why doesn't he dye it? That might sound like a really stupid question, but it's what was going through my head when I read this part. Maybe add something about him wanting to dye, but not being allowed to? Or not... just a thought.

Fed up of his own face, he turned back to the inside of his locker.

This might be a cultural thing, but I've never heard "fed up of;" it's always "fed up with."

Maxxie’s heart leaped, an attempt to escape from his ribcage. His eyes remained fixated into the mirror.

Sentence 1: This sounds awkward to me. Maybe try: "...leaped in an attempt to escape..."
Sentence 2: This also sounds awkward. >.< Firstly, I think you mean "fixed," not "fixated." (You've made that mistake before -- in the previous chapter, I believe) Secondly, whether it's "fixated" or "fixed," I think it should be "on" not "into." Actually, if it was "fixed" it could also be "to," but still not "into." I hope that made some sense!

She flicked one of her plaits off of her shoulder as she tilted her head, watching Maxxie as he kept his eyes on one of the other boys at the other end of the room. The kid had a terribly noticeable moustache forming, contrasting rather badly with his practically bald head.

That first sentence is kind of awkward -- you have so much action and information crammed into one sentence! Break it up. Also, I don't like the repetition of "other. " Maybe say something like: "She flicked one of her plaits off of her shoulder as she tilted her head, watching Maxxie. He didn't meet her gaze, instead keeping his eyes on the boy at the other end of the room." Also, when I started reading that second sentence I thought you were saying that the girl had a mustache forming... now I can't get that image out of my head. >.<

He spun back around to face the girl and glanced at the young Freddie Mercury at the end of the room for a few seconds before returning back to her.

The order of actions is a little unclear here -- he's looking at Freddie (we'll just call him that), then he turns to look at the girl, then he looks at Freddie again, then he turns back to her? I guess it's not all that awkward for him to look back and forth, but the way you say it makes it awkward. Why not just say that he looked back and forth between the two?

Her eyes light up again. “I want to speak to him! Oh, and I’m Roxanne! Just call me Roxy though!” The girl was grinning now.
“Tidy.” Maxxie slipped his arms through the vest he was given by the probation worker. “And no, sorry.”

Oops -- tense slip-up: that should be "lit," not "light." And I'm a little bugged by how many exclamation points Roxy uses right there. There are other ways to show excitement than overusing exclamation points. ^.~ Also, I'm used to "tidy" meaning "neat" or "clean." But that doesn't make sense here -- is it some slang word I don't know of?

He pushed in between the two boys, friendly lifting his arms over each one of them.

I might be wrong, but I think this has to be "friendlily." But that sounds awkward... maybe use a different word, like "genially," or "amiably?"
------------------------

Alright, your post was really short, so there's not much to say about it, but I did notice some things. Firstly, I like the way this is coming along. Roxy is a great character, and I love the chemistry between her and Maxxie. I also like Sion a lot more than I did in the last chapter -- he really managed to cheer up our hero, which naturally makes me like him. You are also doing pretty well on the intrigue factor, in that I really do want to read whatever is next even though not much has happened, so there isn't really a cliff-hanger.

That said, I do have a few problems with this. The first, and most major, is that the writing feels bare. Sure, it's got lots of colloquialisms and such (which I like! Don't let anyone tell you third person narrative has to sound like an encyclopedia) but there really just isn't enough of it. I don't really get a sense of the settings or the characters, and I don't understand Maxxie's thoughts or connect to his emotions -- all because I just don't know enough about these things. You need to elaborate and go into more detail about everything. Your descriptions of the settings and the characters need to be a lot more vivid. Let's take the scene in the changing room for example. Is "Freddie" the only person in the room (besides Roxy and Maxxie)? I think he is, but you never said so. Also, describe Freddie better! I had to go back to see that you had said he was singing because the way you said it was so by-the-way-ish that I hadn't read it the first time. No description should be by-the-way-ish! It is of the utmost importance! Along the same lines, don't be afraid to have some introspective moments. I'm not saying the whole thing should be stream-of-consciousness, but I would like to know what Maxxie is thinking/how he is feeling. Especially in that first paragraph. Right now he feels flat.

Which brings me to my second point: Maxxie. I don't mean to sound harsh, but he's... nothing. The only things that makes him remotely interesting to me are 1)he has this supernatural power, and 2)he's the main character of a novel. He's not really good at anything, he doesn't have any real interests or passions... he's not even mean enough for me to hate him so much that I love him! He's coming across as rather boring. But I'm not sure if this is because of the way you're writing about him or because he is boring. If it's the former, you need to show us more of his emotions/thoughts/quirks. If it's the latter, then by golly you've got to spice him up a bit! Make me interested in him for reasons other than the fact that a plot is revolving around him. ^.~

Oh, and one more thing: it's so short! I think you should have gone ahead and posted the whole chapter -- I would have read it. And I also fear this review is not very helpful because I didn't have much to review. Also (as usual), I've tried to point out things that you can work on throughout the novel, not just in this chapter. I hope some of it was helpful! As always, let me know if you have questions/comments/etc.

a

Hey, Freak! Whut up? Here to review

So, I'm not going to review by nitpicking since my wrist hurt from typing, hope you don't mind.
Anyway, I must agree with Azi about Maxxie not having much of a personality. He's slightly cynical and rude but there's no real spark that sets him apart from other characters. You might want to give him a hunchback or something that could make him stand our a little more. I think his friends have more 'real' personality than Maxxie and it makes me *sadface* because I think he could be a really cool character.

I think it's because it's been a long time since I've read third person but it seems like your narration is little off-beat. Perhaps it's because you've accustomed yourself in writing first person, I don't know. Anyways, I'd be careful not to make it sound too first-personish, as Jash already mentioned before me.

On another note, your novel seems to be moving a slow pace and there are draggy parts to this. Now, slow paced novels aren't bad and I don't have much against them, however I prefer faster-paced ones. I'm not going to tell you to speed it up because it's honestly really not 'that' slowly being played out but enough where I find myself skipping a few lines here and there. I know, I'm terrible but I do that all the time. Your writing isn't bad, in fact you've improved so much from SOA so don't blame yourself, it's just me. But don't get distracted with little things unless they're helping the story out and progressing it further. If your novel doesn't need a certain conversation or scene, just cut it out or something. I know when I went back to edit Taboo I ended up cutting out a few parts too and even though it made me sad, I knew it was for the better. ^^

As for your plot, I can see it gradually developing but there's not real hint of any major disasters or anything but I guess it's still early. I mean, it's only chapter two, lol. As for the ending, it's pretty cool and I'm wondering where he's going to be headed now with this book and what it contains.

Don't worry Freak, don't be discouraged and keep writing. I'll be faithful reviewer and follower, at least I'll do my very, very best and try. XD I'll be waiting for the next chapter.

-Punk

Hey. This is the part two of my review. lol xD This is for the 2nd part of the chapter.

Nitpicks:

Sion may have been there, but the day was passing by so slowly, it actually hurt.

- What?

...slightly worried that she’d start singing Sweedish nursery rhymes...

- Typo: 'Swedish'

...the probation worked hissed at them.

- Typo: 'worker'

Of course she didn’t know.

- I think you should put a comma after 'Of course'.

She wore a classic checked ninety’s dress...

- Didn't you mean 'checkered'?

A pair of simples appeared on her pale face...

- Typo: 'dimples'

Scribbled in an old fashioned styled writing over...

- Correction: 'old-fashioned'



I think I got overwhelmed by the mystery of this chapter, much more the story. (Did I say that right? xD) Give us some answers in the next chapter! I'm getting so mystified on how the story's 'fantasy' works! xD It's a positive thing though.

Continue writing as soon as you feel you have had enough resting.

Woooo, huuge chapter But I can't complain - I mean, look at Reprisal Anyway, on to the review

Community service... They were kidding, right? Cleaning up a park for a couple of cans and a sausage roll?

A bit embarrassing to admit, but when I was a wild child (yeehaw) I excelled at shoplifting until I got caught. I was only fifteen, but they gave me a caution. I only stole a small cheap pencil case and a pen, but they wanted to make a point. They said I could have got it recorded on my permanent record, but because it was a first offence they decided not to. Community service does sound like too much punishment for such a simple crime.

For all he knew, today could have been easier than scoring an own goal in a game of football, which was a walk in the park for him- no pun intended.

"Scoring an own goal"?

He sighed. Since when did hypothermia become part of the punishment?

I feel as if you're trying too hard to fill in your paragraphs. Sometimes less is more.

Who are we going to call? The Dalai Lama?

This joke fell flat on me. It actually made me wince

“Failure to follow my instructions will be punished.”

"Failure to follow my instructions will result in punishment."

Maxxie frowned. He was going to miss food today...

As before, I feel as if you're writing too much for the scene, and yet, not enough in the right places.

He sucked at every one of them, so he had no idea why he used to do it all.

Earlier you said scoring a goal in football would be like taking a walk in the park for Max.

“I thought you couldn’t see the dead's reflection,” he muttered, turning around.

*see the reflections of the dead.

The guy had a terribly noticeable moustache forming, contrasting rather badly with his practically bald head.

The overuse of adverbs here pain me as much as someone scraping their nails down a chalk board.

Her eyes lit up again. “I want to speak to him, Oh, and I’m Roxanne! Just call me Roxy though!”

You've already got a "--eee" name, do you really want another one? (Roxy, Maxxie = Roxxie, Maxy)

“Tidy.”

What is this in reference to?

She gazed innocently at the youth who was still singing loudly. Seconds later, his locker door had slammed against his hand thanks to an unrecognisable force, causing him to yelp, finally shutting up.

Necessary?

“Hey! Look, Nate!” It was the boy from the changing rooms. He nudged the lad with red hair next to him. “There’s your mum!” He began laughing his head off as he pointed at a rat-like dog sitting beside a rose bush.

AHAHAHAHHAAHAHAHAHA. Hahahahahaha! Niiiiice :3 Wait... does that mean I'm like a five year old because I thought this was funny? :/

“Same,” Nate replied. “You nick a couple of frozen pizzas and a Wham! CD, and you end up here. What a load of shit.”

Wait... bands actually still make CDs?

“You could do with my company.” Sion lifted the litter picker and tapped Maxxie on the shoulder. “Nice vest thing, by the way, Maxxie. Nice and ginger.” He looked at Nate again. “No offence.”

Is it bad that I wish this story now centered around Sion?

Maxxie couldn’t help but laugh once more. To his relief, the despair of today was gradually disappearing now. Was Sion seriously going to do this with him? It wasn’t even nine o’ clock yet, so that was practically six in the morning for Sion. Maxxie clicked his tongue and smiled. This community service thing would be easy.

Sometimes you can just end halfway through something without having to wrap a section up. If any of this information was vital to the story, you could have it somewhere up in the relevant and necessary parts above.

“Do you believe in them?” She put her book down, flat down.
“Ducks...?”
“Ghosts.”

lol

“This is not a time for you to mess about like children,” the probation worked hissed at them. “If this carries on, you’re hours of work will increase.”

He somehow struggled to figure out how to use the litter picker, to the boys’ amusement.

Hasn't it been three hours since the beginning of the CS?

“Hey, who’s the creep?” Nate nodded at Eirin Amalie.
She was still sitting comfortably on the floor beside the bench. Maxxie wasn’t shocked to see that she still had an umbrella in her hands and a pair of sunglasses on her face. He shook his head in disbelief. She had an old fashioned picnic basket now.
“I dunno,” Maxxie half lied.
“You were talking to her earlier...” Sion butted in.
Maxxie hardly did know her. He knew her name, and he knew that she would have fitted in perfectly in a nutter’s home, but except for that... Nothing.

Is this necessary? Couldn't this have occured immediately after Max returned to the boys? Making the probation officer scene obsolete?

“Tra, mate,” Maxxie replied. “See you later.”

Sion said goodbye to both Maxxie and Nate before heading towards the park entrance.

Seriously, why did you choose the name Nate? All I can picture is a monkey.

She wore a classic checked ninety’s dress that fell just below her knees, and the red bows at the bottom of her plaits matched it perfectly.

*chequered

Darren Christopher had recently moved into the town, obviously bringing an unknown friend with him by doing so. Maxxie’s dad and him had been friends for a while, but Darren was only now moving to the town.

Find a way to merge the two sentences.

“Does this mean I can hang out with you?” she asked as they passed one of the ponds.

Would a ghost from the ninety's use language of today? Also, I think you should read/watch Interview with a Vampire by Anne Rice. In it a child gets turned into a vampire (which is forbidden), and slowly she loses her innocence until she is an adult in a child's body. That's what Roxy should be like. She's over 18, after all, older than Maxxie.

A pair of simples appeared on her pale face as her smile expanded.

How was she supposed to cross over now? She’d already had ‘The Feeling’. As far as he was aware, it only happened once. Unless it was given to you at the time of death, there was always something holding you back; unfinished business. Maxxie had seen and heard about lot of dodgy things, but this was one he’d never come across.

!!!! Very interesting. I wish the chapter had started here.

Well, good chapter, but as a reviewer said before me (well, Az and Pink), the beginning scene seems almost unnecessary. I know that you have to bulk up your chapters with something, but I just don't feel as if we needed to read about Max doing community service. I almost believe that he shouldn't have been caught shoplifting. He should have ran, and been drawn back to the place because of Roxy. Got to know her that way. Came across Eirin during his visits to Roxy.

Then the whole probation officer/police taking his details scene can be deleted, and we're placed in the heart of the story. Finding out about "The Feeling" and crossing over, which is what I, personally find interesting about your story.

Well, that's me, don't hesitate to reply directly to this thread with any comments or queries regarding my review!

- Jai

Hi! I'm back for the second part. ^.^

I'm not going to do the line-by-line nitpicky stuff today -- partially because I don't have the time and partially because I don't actually think that's what you need just now. Not with the possibility of giving up hanging over your head!

Okay, so I liked the end of this chapter quite a lot. I agree with seeminglymeaningless -- I found the whole part about getting "The Feeling" really fascinating. So ghosts are people who should be dead, but decided to remain (quasi)mortal? Or is there some reason they weren't "allowed" to die (like a purgatory kind of thing, only less hellish)? And what does it mean for them to cross over? It almost seems like Maxxie feels responsible for their crossing, like he thinks that since he can see them, he should help them... die. If that's what it is. And what was that he said to Roxy about how he could let her father see her, but he would have to die too? So many questions! So many mysteries! Such intrigue! Really, the chapter was dragging a bit until I got to the part where you started talking about all this... then it was gone before I knew it and I was left hungry for more. I have a feeling this is the meat of the novel -- the concepts you had bouncing around in your head for a while, urging you to write a novel about them.

There are a few things I think you could improve upon, but going to try not to dwell on them too much. Between the "me=fail" and the "I'm not sure if I can carry on with this" junk you've been spewing lately, I don't think you need criticism. That said, I do have a little something to say. ^.^

Mainly, what's up with Eirin? Is she alive? Is she his mother? I know she's supposed to be a mystery (and that's a great thing!) but I don't think she needs to be as confusing as she is right now. You see, I don't understand if Maxxie can tell if he's seeing a ghost. When he sees one, does he know? Are they slightly transparent, or unnaturally pale, or glowing or shadowless or emanating coldness or radioactivity something? Apparently they do have reflections, which makes me think that they are just like normal, living people, except for the fact that nobody can see them. Or can they? Are there other people like Maxxie? And if the ghosts do seem like normal people, is Maxxie always wary of talking to someone new for fear that they might turn out to be dead? And how many of these dead people are there? Are they everywhere? I'm getting sidetracked, though, and starting to wander back into rambling about your worldbuilding. ^.^

What I really mean is that I'd like the initial introduction of Eirin to be a little more clear. This may or may not have been intentional, but the fact that you didn't actually describe her made me think for a really long time that she was Roxy (because you just called her "a girl"). Having that thought in my mind made me think she was definitely a ghost. Which made it really confusing when the other boys could see her too. Like I say, this might be intentional... I don't know. Is Maxxie supposed to be confused about this as well? That's why I brought up the question about whether or not he can tell the difference between living and dead people.

But really, I don't have much to complain about (and I'm not just saying that to cheer you up -- promise!). This is the strange part about the idea of an online novel, posted and read in bite-sized segments that people will rip apart basically as you write them. It hasn't even started and you're already thinking of giving up! Now, I'm not a novelist, and the few times I've tried to be one, I have (like most people) given up rather quickly. So I'm really not the person to advise you about this. But in my opinion, the novel is just starting to get interesting -- it's just starting to get into the part that (I presume) makes you tingly to think about. But you feel like you should stop/go back and revise because you don't like the beginning. Well... I don't like the beginning much either, sorry to say so. To be perfectly frank with you, these past two chapters have been kind of meh. But I don't think you should go back and edit them endlessly until you're happy with them, because if you do you run the risk of losing your inspiration and giving up completely. Go on to the part that interests you! You're writing this novel, above all, because you enjoy doing it. So why not enjoy it? Keep going, let the plot thicken, develop your world a bit. Maybe wait until you've gone ahead a bit to post on YWS? Maybe not. Whatever floats your boat, really -- but the bottom line is that I think you have something really interesting cooking here and I'd hate to see it go rancid from neglect. Maybe ditch the novel and start over? Maybe make it into a short story? In the end, though, it's completely up to you -- obviously. If you really don't think you can write about this idea, I don't think you should pressure yourself to do so. I just don't want you to give it up because you're unsatisfied with these first two chapters. ^.~

Well there you go. My two cents... hidden somewhere in that Great Wall of Text. o.O Good luck finding it! As always, let me know if you have any questions/comments about what I've said.

a

HI! pointe2drama here for the final ch. you have posted.

Grammar:
well, its good but there is some slang I have no idea what it is.
Duw? Ta? etc.

Storyline/Flow:
It's getting better all the time.
though you might want to tone down the curse words. It gets monotonous.

I gotta go so I'll come back to finish this later!
~pointe

Skinsy, Tis me!

I'm sorry; I only just saw that you had posted this. And apparently, everyone has commented on it already.

I don't have anything to add; my opinion doesn't differ from theirs. You have great secondary characters. But I find that secondary characters are always easier to write. It's easier to make them be stupid, or sweet or mean or whatever. Maybe because we can afford to let loose with them.

I read your comments on your page, and although I am saddened that you will stop this for some time, I agree with your sentiment. You keep writing because you want to, you like it, but there's something so off about it. You can't put your finger on it and become disenchanted. I know what you mean.

I also want you to know that I read the first version of this. It was good, but it was confusing and it needed work. This version has much improved. I know you aren't a planner; I'm not either. But reread the first version and pinpoint the areas you liked. Highlight the sentences you enjoyed, or the direction a certain scene was going. That's what I do with my old work. And it works, to a certain extent.

Good luck with the rewritting, sorry my review wasn't more help to you.

Tanya