Light and Shadow - Chapter 6

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Chapter 6 - Truth

The truth shall set you free.

- Avicrus, the Lord of Light


With the Lord and the Princess of Shadow gone, silence returned to the Moon Pond. The wind blew as gently as it did before, like nothing had happened. Eluna was still on her knees, weeping quietly. Solluz got up, holding his lightning in his right hand. He slowly walked towards Treideria and pointed his weapon up at her.

“You were bribed, weren’t you?” he asked.

“You’re such a brave, little boy, aren’t you?” Treideria said sarcastically, ignoring his question.

“Answer me!” the young boy persisted.

“I was not,” the woman said. “My family came from the Shadow region.”

“You cannot fool me,” Solluz retorted. “Disciples of Shadow always wear black clothing.”

“How would you know about that, little boy?” mocked Treideria.

“The Lord and the Lady of Light informed me,” answered Solluz. “And, stop calling me a little boy!”

“All right, you got me,” replied the woman, giving up the pretence. “I am a descendant of Light, and so is my daughter.”

“How could you do this, mother?” asked Amistheia, walking towards her.

“Shush, Theia! You needn’t know anything about this,” Treideria replied.

“You always don’t tell me anything!” said Amistheia. “You teach me Magic but you don’t tell me about anything else.”

“How dare you, Theia?” the woman harshly said, but then Solluz pointed his lightning closer.

“Speak!” he said. “Tell us everything you know.”

Mella and Eluna put more of their attention into the conversation. The latter had somehow stopped weeping, but the anguish that she felt inside did not subside.

“I wanted power,” said Treideria, her voice weakened in humility. “The people in my village have always harassed my family for being Magic-users. They burned my husband at stake for marrying a witch like me. They fear that we are using Dark Magic like the disciples of Shadow. They tried to take away Amistheia, saying that they will keep her from being a witch. None of you know anything about my pain! I wanted to have my revenge!”

There was a pause. Her eyes were already glaring in fury and the others were looking at her, listening. Amistheia’s face frowned as she seemed to share her mother’s pain. Treideria sighed and continued confessing.

“Escuridion, the Lord of Shadow, came to our house one night and offered me more power than the Magic I already had,” she said. “He knew about my anguish, my fears…my hatred. I felt for the first time since my husband died…loved.”

“That’s ridiculous!” snapped Solluz, lowering his weapon. “The dark lord knows nothing about love.”

“You know nothing about the dark lord!” exclaimed Treideria. “He loves me.”

Mella quickly walked towards her and, with anger, slapped her in the face. “You’re crazy!”

“You don’t know anything about my pain!” Treideria said as she slapped Mella back.

“Stop it, both of you!” yelled Eluna, her voice breaking in misery. “These arguments are useless. My brother has been taken away from me, can’t you see? And, I don’t know if I’ll ever see him again…”

She looked down and sobbed again. Mella walked and kneeled down before her in sympathy.

“I’m sorry,” she said.

“I’m confused, Aunt Mella,” mumbled Eluna in her weeping as she looked at her aunt. “Tell me now, please. Tell me about my parents.”

Mella hesitated, but decided that Eluna already had to know. Everyone’s focus was then turned to Mella.

“Your parents…” she paused. She stuttered as she asked herself how she would explain. “They didn’t come from the same region. Your father was a disciple of Shadow…”

Eluna raised her head a bit and looked at her aunt in surprise, gasping.

“Yes, Eluna,” confirmed Mella as she saw the shock in the girl’s tear-flooded face. “Your father was a disciple of Shadow and the love your parents shared has always been forbidden. I tried to warn them but—”

“Where are they?” Eluna suddenly asked, frantic as she looked her aunt straight in the eyes. “Where are my parents, Aunt Mella?”

“Dead,” the lady regretfully replied, horrified by the memories of the death of her beloved sister and her brother-in-law.

“Why?” her niece asked, her voice breaking in anguish.

“Their Highnesses had to kill them. They shot lightning at your parents the night that you were born.”

“Why did they have to kill them?” said Eluna as she became rather hysterical.

“Their love would cause complications in the balance of Light and Shadow,” answered Mella. “It’s difficult to explain, Eluna.”

“What would happen?” Eluna asked in curiosity.

The uneasy aunt looked down and, there was a moment of silence. Treideria then walked towards their direction and answered Eluna’s question.

“The balance will be broken,” she spoke in a serious manner. “Their Highnesses hoped that you and your brother are not the prophesied Twins of Light and Shadow but, since that you are, the execution of your mother and father is useless. The dark lord shall use your brother’s power to overcome the Light region once and for all.”

Treideria took a deep breath, knelt and bowed before Eluna.

“Princess,” she spoke with respect. The word echoed in the others’ ears in surprise. “Let me redeem myself by abolishing the spell I have cast upon your ring. The rings I gave to you and your brother were magical devices used to find the location of the wearers. The dark lord only knew of the location of your house so he needed the rings to find you.”

The woman then raised her head, took Eluna’s hand, and raised her hand over it. The ring glowed, giving off bright white light which eventually faded. Eluna had completely stopped sobbing that moment. Treideria then stood up.

“Princess Eluna,” she said. “I was wrong. I didn’t realize the lie the dark lord had made me believe in. Please accept my apologies. Princess, the only way to keep the balance from breaking is to harness your powers as well. This will be the task that you must fulfil as Princess of the Moon.”

Eluna, the Princess of the Moon, had nothing else left to say and stood there still, open-mouthed. The tears around her eyes were slowly drying. Solluz then stepped forward towards her and offered his hand.

“Shall we ride towards the Palace of Light, my princess?” he humbly but asked with pleasure.

“If this is the only way…then yes,” she replied. Her voice was quiet and sad.

She took his hand and they made a few steps away from the pond. Solluz mounted his lightning and asked Eluna to ride at the back.

“Hold tight,” the prince said, and they zapped their way up to the sky with Eluna screaming in surprise.

Mella, who had just recovered from the emotions of the previous scene, looked up to the sky as Solluz and Eluna quickly vanished into the clouds, in hopes that they would be together and that everything would be fine again. Treideria and Amistheia also did the same.

“I don’t know if I’ll forgive you yet,” said Mella, looking at Treideria. “But, let’s go back to the house.”

Then, she turned away and started walking, and Treideria and her daughter followed after her.

Eluna, my dear, Mella thought, I wasn’t able to say goodbye to you or to Xombreil, but I do hope the three shall be together once again. Then, a tear flowed down from her eye as she wept in her thoughts. I just can’t believe that these things had happened. The two of you are the only family I have left…I just wish you good luck on your quest, Princess of the Moon. Promise me that you will get your brother back from the Shadow.
Last edited by Caerulean on Sat Dec 04, 2010 11:02 am, edited 2 times in total.
“(...) and so do all who live to see such times. But that is not for them to decide. All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given us.” - Gandalf, The Lord Of The Rings: The Fellowship Of The Ring




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Whoo, first!

Nitpicks/Comments

“I was not,” the woman said in a firm manner. “My family came from the Shadow region.”

No, don't do this...please?
You must learn to hold strength with your dialogue and work it so when your character speaks, we already know in what way it's being said. This doesn't apply all the time but it's stronger. When someone is accused and states "I was not" based on what the circumstance is, the readers will know that it was said 'firmly' therefore you should just omit that part. I hope you understand what and where I'm trying to get at, if you still have questions about this in particular, go ahead and PM me. ^^
“How could you know about that, little boy?” mocked Treideria.

I think 'would' sounds better than 'could' here.
“You always don’t tell me anything!” said her daughter

I would rephrase this: "You never tell me anything!"
Also, just say Theia/Amitheia instead of 'said her daughter' it's much easier to read.
None of you knows anything about my pain! I wanted to have my revenge!”

*None of you 'know' anything about my pain.
Talking specifically about 'you' as in one person at a time. Does that make sense?
“What would happen?” the girl asked in curiosity.

I really think you should stop saying her niece, the girl, and go straight into saying their names because it's difficult as to which girl you could be talking about. Plus, based on the information you've provided us with we're smart enough to figure our they're relatives.
he humbly but pleasurably asked.

D: humbly and pleasurably?
Too much adverbs...

Overall


Arr, you have not very many nitpicks I can pick out but that's good. This chapter really did good in clarifying a few questions that I previously had and that makes me smile because now I'm not very confused with the whole family matter aspect of this. ^.^
Your ending was great, it's like a epic battle has just begun and it was a good time to start something because I was afraid things were going to keep dragging. Actually, I think you did a pretty good job setting up your story. Do you have an outline? Did you plan anything before your started writing? Because I feel like you know what you want to say and what direction you want to go so it makes sense...I don't know.

Your characters for some reason all seem to blend in together and I feel like they're all the same person. There's no real distinction between them. Like, no dialogue difference or anything between Xom and Luna - they're seriously like twins. Two mirrors. I wish you would try to separate them a little more. Actually, the character I think has the most personality right now is Solluz. Maybe it's just me but it seems like their speech patterns and all are kind of in the same page along with their reactions and thinking. There are slight differences but they're just slight. Anyway, it could just be me.

In the end, I think this was a great chapter. You set up a plot, got your characters in motion, introduced us to a new goal for your characters and everything seems to be in it's place and all we have to do now is wait to see where this road takes us next. With that said, I'll end my review here and wait for the next chapter. ^^

-Pink
There are three rules for writing a novel. Unfortunately, no one knows what they are.
-W. Somerset Maugham




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I'm here at last! :P

I'm here to review this! Sorry I've taken a while to get to this, Whisperer, and I hope you don't mind. If you have any questions or comments about this review, just let me know and I'll be happy to answer them.

Like Pink said, it's great that you've explained a few of the questions that I had in this chapter. I was beginning to worry slightly that some things wouldn't be explained in a very long time. Thankfully, you've explained a good amount of things in this chapter, so thanks! I like where this is going so far, Whisperer. Fro what I can tell at the moment, you've got something original, so that's always a good thing!

One thing that I'd like to bring up here is that I noticed in this chapter that you had a lot of dialogue. I understand that you may have needed more dialogue in this chapter because you were explaining a couple of things, so that's fine. It's just that I think you used a bit too much dialogue. I have actually noticed this a little throughout the novel. You sometimes have a tendency to use too much dialogue and not enough descriptions and actions to balance it out.

Don't worry about this too much though because it's a pretty easy thing to sort out. In between the dialogue, try and add some actions and descriptions. It's as simple as that! What you need to be careful of though is that you don't use those descriptions and actions if they're unnecessary. For example, don't just make Luna skip around the field for the sake of adding in actions. Not that she'd be skipping happily anywhere right now... but I hope you get the idea. Make sure that the descriptions and actions you do include add something to the writing.

Overall I think that this is a good chapter. I'm so glad you've answered some of the questions I had. I can clearly see your writing improving as each chapter goes on. Well done!

Keep writing,

xoxo Skins
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Hey Whisperer! Sorry I have been such a failure at keeping up with reviews! I’ve been so busy and YWS has fallen to the wayside. But now I’m here with a Super Mega Review of the last few chapters that I have missed. :)

Chapter 4
After a moment, the red-haired boy came in from nowhere in the brightness.

I would cut “After a moment” it seems superfluous. Also, the second part of the sentence doesn’t quite make sense to me. Did he appear out of nowhere, or the brightness? Was the brightness already there? When he appeared, was there a flash of brightness? Rewording this to make it clearer would probably be a good idea. ;)

“Solluz,” Lord Avicrus began. His voice repeated itself through the entire seemingly limitless room.

“I’d like to congratulate you for a job well done,” he continued.

Since Lord Avicrus is still talking, I would combine this into one paragraph and cut the “he continued” like so:
“Solluz,” Lord Avicrus said, his voice repeating itself through the entire seemingly limitless room. “I’d like to congratulate you for a job well done.”

He looked at the young boy’s fierce[s]-looking[s] face.

I’d cut the “looking” part. If his face looks fierce, just say it’s fierce. ;)


Still, Solluz made his way out of the desolate permafrost in minutes with ease.

In minutes with ease is kind of redundant. I’d chose either “in minutes” or “with ease”.

“Happy birthday to you two!” Mella greeted cheerfully with a big grin on her face, carrying a rounded cookies-n’-cream cake in front of her bosom as she walked towards the twins.

Since this is either a non-earth world, or on earth but very early in time, it seems out of place for there to be a (modern) cookies-n’-cream cake. Some sort of desert would be appropriate, but this seems so specifically modern that its strange.

Chapter 5
The sight of him gave hope to the frustrated Andes and Amistheia.

Who is Andes and where did he/she come from? Unless I missed it, he wasn’t around at the beginning of this..

Xombreil and Eluna
Okay, so. Xombreil is Eluna’s shadow? And Eluna is the moon? This has me really confused, and it seems like it’s a really important aspect of them. You should spend some more time explaining this and what exactly it means. Xombreil seems really heartbroken about it, but I don’t understand why, and would like to.

Chapter 6
Treideria
She started out evil, but made a sudden and unrealistic change to be good. What made her change so drastically? She says she realized the dark lord had lied, but we never discover what that lie was or how she realized it was a lie. In order for her to make this sort of turnaround, it needs to be realistic and convincing to the reader.

Overall
I really enjoy the innocence that Xombreil, Eluna, and Solluz have which is appropriate for their age. One thing that I think you could work on, though, is character depth. So far most of the characters are very two-dimensional. They all have base personalities but they don't have the diversity and depth of a real person. Give them diverse emotions, thoughts, interests, personality traits and that will really help this. Think of how varied a real person is, and try to create your character accordingly. :)

Overall, you're doing well! Keep writing!

-Lauren-
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