Scholarship Essay

Spoiler

Essays are not my strong point. Please rip it to shreds!

The steady tempo of my horse’s hoof beats thunder in my ears as we canter around the arena. I hear nothing else; I am immersed in the moment, liberated from the worries that usually overshadow me. When I began riding lessons as a ten year old, I was just a kid who loved spending time around animals. I laughed at the tickle of a horse’s velvety muzzle as it ate a carrot out of my hands. Years later, dressage is not some insignificant hobby buried amidst my other sports and activities. It is my refuge. Without it, I am incomplete.

To the inexperienced, dressage lacks the excitement of jumping or racing as horses prance around the arena to a fixed pattern. The true difficulty is masked by years and years of dedicated human athletes striving to make their riding look effortless.
As I try to reach their exacting standards, I ride four or five times every week on my own horse and several more times on another mare at the barn. Even when I’m not in the saddle, I train using Pilates and cardiovascular workouts.

I compete at 1st level and have won High Point awards at several competitions this year with Stella. I am still at the lower levels, but I try to comprehend the sport’s nuances by pouring over books and watching the performances of top riders. The best in the sport look like passengers. Their ongoing conversation with the horse is undetectable to observers.

My horse has forgiven my countless mistakes and taught me lessons that relate to all aspects of my life. I use my seats, hands and legs to communicate, attempting to speak to her with the slightest change in pressure.

Things don’t always go as planned. Sometimes, she doesn’t understand my request. Even when it is frustrating, it is my responsibility to phrase the question differently. When the demand makes sense to her, Stella performs exactly as I asked.

My horse has helped me become an effective communicator, and I often apply what she has taught me to other situations. When I am explaining something and the other person is confused, I now search out alternate explanations. Stella has made me more tolerant of mistakes and communication gaps, even though I used to work best independently. Thanks to her help over the last seven years, I have become a better rider and a better person.

Is this actually a schollarship essay? For what?

In all honesty this has "I'm a writer" scorched across it in big yellow letters. I'm not sure if that was your intention, the purpose isn't entirely clear. In the beginning it sounds like a story, then it turns into a talk about your passion for horse riding, and lastly it sounds a little like a job application - '...this is something I like to do and it helps me in the workplace because...' which is a little bland compared to the rest.

I think what you need to do is, as with all pieces of writing, consider your audiance and purpose. If this is to explain your passion, then start by saying 'this is what I'm passionate about, because...' and then go into the first paragraph.

If it is simple a way of describing how your hobbies bring about your strengths then you need to add a few more hobbies, or explain a little more about how your experience affects you as a person, a little more than 'it helps me to become an effective communicator.' This is especially considering that horses are beasts, and the method of communication between the rider and the horse, and between two people, are radically different. It would be better if you explained how it has taught you patience, perseverence and creativity, which you have found to be very useful in becomming an effective comunicator.

Remember, schollarship essays are important, and you're likely to be competing against people who have a lot of help, so getting as much help from others as possible is advised.

Hope this helps. Feel free to let me know if you want more feedback.