Grandma's Pain

I wish it was all over now,
I hope you will see the light soon.
Although it will be a hard loss,
at least I know that you are better place.
I know you are in bed right now,
fighting your way to see everyone you love one last time.
I hope you lived a very happy life,
and that I did everything I could to make you happy.
I am very grateful that you have been in my life,
and I do not regret anything while being with you.
I hope your pain ends soon,
you suffering needs to end.
Once you pass away,
I hope you know that everyone will miss you.
Especially me grandma,
I am going to miss you the most.

While I admire you for channeling your loss into artistic expression, I feel like this poem is incomplete. At its ending, I really have no sense of who the grandmother or the narrator is, and what sets this relationship apart.

Also, this poem reads more like prose formatted into the confines of a poem rather than a poem itself. Now, this can work for some poets very very well (Robert Frost, for example). However, his poems have a natural rhythm found within them. He accomplishes this through rhymes, but it isn't the only way.

Really, if you can find a rhythmic enough voice/soul to your piece that makes your piece flow better, that would work too. Basically, it's about having the inner ear for poetry. I'm willing to admit that I don't have it. I'm going to try to come up with an analogy that works here, so bear with me.

It's like a singer. Someone could have a very good natural voice, and sing a quality song with instrumental stuff going on in the background. That's like prose. Just as there's more noise in the background, there's more words to use so you can sometimes cover up that you don't know the exact word. Now, you need to be able to hear tone pretty well to sing this way, but you can mask some of your weaker points and still create a passable (or possibly good) piece.

Poetry, then, is more like singing a Capella. There's no distraction that comes from the extra words. If you falter at all, the silence will make sure that everyone hears it. You need to have an excellent ear for rhythm.

Now, if you want to improve and create something GREAT, you have to learn more. In singing, you learn best by training with an instructor. Writing is beautiful because you don't have to listen to the words of only one instructor. There are thousands of amazing poets out there who you can study and learn from.

So basically, to sum it up, I think you need to study some more poetry - see what the writers did right, and what they did wrong. And help use those lessons and apply them to your own work. While it's not always the best, reading your piece out loud can also help you to identify rough spots, but don't rely on this method too much, since you need to still have a quality 'inner ear'. That would be like a singer always needing a metronome no matter what - it's a great tool that can correct you, but eventually you need to develop it internally.

Hope this helps and isn't just rambling. =)
- Quibbler

This is beautiful. I know I say that about a lot of writings, but this truly is. I agree with Quibbler in that you're very brave to put your heart on the paper, but tell me, did it help? I know for me it does. I hope it did for you.

I also agree that it doesn't sound quite finished. I mean, you could easily pour another two or more stanzas that long into it, and come out with something even better. Tell us! Tell us what your grandma meant to you. Tell us the things you did together; your favorite moments spent with her. You tell us you'll miss her, but you never tell us why she is so important, other than the obvious reason; that she's your grandma (of course, that alone doesnt necessarily mean anything; some people hate their grandparents, which, obviously you don't).

Have you told your grandma this; that she will be missed? That you love her? I suggest that you revise this, and then let her read it if she hasn't passed on yet. It will mean the world to her. If she has already died, read it to her gravestone, that helps too. There's just something about gravestones that make you feel a connection with that person again...