Refining Fire: 10 short unrelated bits

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Mon Nov 29, 2010 3:42 pm

Sura says... · Mon Nov 29, 2010 3:42 pm

I was cleaning out the margin-tripe in journal, and I figured I might as well fix some of it up. XD
Most of these are half-thoughts that I'm trying to link together into some comprehensible form.
Please grace me with your wisdom. >: P
Feel free to browse and critique only what you wish.
Color is used to differentiate pieces; I'm sorry if it looks like turtle vomit.

I sail a strange ocean
on the evening dusk
when I leave my body
it becomes just a husk

a perfect shell
of what I was
preserved in space
and time

a place I’ll never
walk again
leave my hands
and face
behind

hung up on nothing
hungry for something
where are you hiding
now?

your life's on fire
no room for desire
baby just take
a bow

'cause your show is over,
you cow

you and me
we live to be
incompatible truths

we fall apart
like lovers' hearts
brandy, lime, vermouth

nostalgia
swallows my stomach
flash fiction
burns
quickly

I dreamt of dreams
long past

an unspoken place
no faces masked

my fingers grow cold
as my soul
is
compelled

age is not old

give me a name to
know me
give me a name to
fear me
give me a name to
love me
give me a name to
kill me

Crosswinds carry
capricious concepts, concealing
calculated cruelty.

dig, dig
find the spot
reach your hand
through the rot
feel the land
beating strong
and remember
you're not wrong

The Mirror Haunt:
it found me
and trapped me in a box
no seams to be found
in my reflected casket
a noticeable lack
of locks
not even a door
only the image (illusion?)
eternal depth

Taffy umbrellas
rain of sweet tea
this is what you are to me

sugar high
and the impending fall
rotten teeth
to remember you by

I'm back!

"Breaking fixed idea!
Throw away the prejudice
that fish live in fish bowls only!"

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Tenyo

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Tue Nov 30, 2010 3:46 pm

Tenyo says... · Tue Nov 30, 2010 3:46 pm

Hey Sura!

Turtle vomit? Haha. I will say simply that yes, these do seem like a collection of random thoughts, and I think if you were to try to combine them you would end up with a poem that does look like a collection fo random thoughts put together.

However! Have you ever seen how awesome a doodle book looks when it's completed? You have thousands of images page after page that you could stare at for hours and still never fully understand what was going through the artists mind.

I see this as being more like an art piece than a poem. Like... for the longer passages break them up or cut some lines out, and scatter them around a page with some light, corresponding sketches. I got this idea from the pink one, with nostalgia. The thing that most of these have in common is they seem like the deeper thoughts of a young adult, someone who's done being a child but still not quite grown up. I see potential for these if you turn them into a piece of artwork or a text collage.

Or, the other option is to read one in the morning, let it mull in the back of your mind for the day, and see if it has grown or developed over time. That's how I usually add substance to random thoughts. But, if you're feeling adventurous, go for art

We were born to be amazing.

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Hannah

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Wed Dec 08, 2010 5:40 am

Hannah says... · Wed Dec 08, 2010 5:40 am

I really like the rhymes that you have going some of them are just a little off kilter, which gives this collection (though unrelated), a lilting feel.

I especially like the rhyme working in this one:

you and me
we live to be
incompatible truths

we fall apart
like lovers' hearts
brandy, lime, vermouth

The problem is that though these are generally fun to read, not many have any substance. In fact, the only one that I think is really promising is this one:

dig, dig
find the spot
reach your hand
through the rot
feel the land
beating strong
and remember
you're not wrong

The meter and rhyme in this is superb and it has the most powerful imagery out of all of them. In addition to that, it hints at something more, something beneath, both through the imagery and the diction. This is something you might want to explore.

Well, the vermouth piece was also rather promising, but you need to punch it up a little. Those word choices: brandy, lime, vermouth, give some kind of zap to the reader, but it comes after something vague and uninspiring: "we don't work". Try expanding that one as well.

And, last of all, this is a very nice stanza:

I sail a strange ocean
on the evening dusk
when I leave my body
it becomes just a husk

I think if you explored, rather than what becomes of the husk right after this, the image of the husk, the idea of the husk, the feeling of it, it would draw the reader in much more fully, like an anchor, and it might lead you to a stronger purpose of the words.

Thank you for the reads. ^_^

you can message me with anything: questions, review requests, rants
are you a green room knight yet?
have you read this week's Squills?

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