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Monday, November 29, 2010
1717 GMT +8

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Hey, Roal! Here as requested.I'm first to post. Oh, I'm excited. The chap's title is The Rebel. LOL Okay, just so you know, I scanned the chapter, it's quite long, but anyway, the dictionary made me laugh hard. Haha! I know, little things make me laugh. It's sometimes pathetic but so what? haha...the "oranges=orange .__." thingy. LOL it was like you were saying, "Dude, common sense, dude, common sense." Haha... Okay, I'm done. Whatever--uh--here comes mah review for yooou!

Oh, yeah, and one more thing. WOW YOU SWITCHED TO PAST TENSE. Haha! Welcome aboard! =))

NITPICKS|CHANGED|PAY ATTENTION

"Shush you idiot, they might hear us."

She closed the door and locked it. Then the woman shifted to me and gave a stomp on my chest.

>> I would suggest that you delete the new paragraph and switch the pronoun "she" with "the woman" like so...

"Shush you idiot, they might hear us." The woman closed the door and locked it. Then she shifted to me and gave a stomp on my chest.

"Guh!" I cried out in silent, crushing the note.

Purple: silence.
>> Um...I was wondering if you can cry out in silence. Maybe just delete the crying out in silence? O.o
And also, please identify what kind of note you were talking about. I honestly thought you were talking about how his voice cracked up while crying out in silence. O_o Maybe, "...crushing the note in my hand.

Reading it and realizing, she released her dreadful boot from my chest and snarled at me.

>> REalizing what?

"Yes, I am," she said shortly after.

>> dialogue tags, Roal. Be aware.

Axelle did not reply, only grabbing a piece of paper and beginning to write.

>> You see, you used a participle, so you have to use another participle as well. Using plain verb not only destroys the flow, it also adds confusion.

I sighed and grabbed my chest in pain as I opened the door.
¶
They glared at me until one of them said, "Where were you Vincent?"

>> Who were they? =))

"Oh nothing, I was having fun, that's all," I said eerily.

>> Dialogue tags.

I gave out a gloomy sighed as I stare at the ground.

>> Typo. =))

They're piss at me all right.

>> That's "pissed". I guess you were confused of what verb to use, 'cause people say that when using thoughts, you use present tense. But you should also look at the verb. There was "are", which means the verb to be used should be a participle. =))

I headed back to my Den,and as I opened the door, Iand gave an intent looked at my bed.

>> "Look" is noun, not verb.

After many minutes, I yawned, jumped on the bed and fell asleep.

>> Please, don't use many minutes. It was like you were rushing describing things. Hehe...

I followed as command and moved to the back of the market.

>> Either "I followed as commanded" and "followed the command".

I shook my head, wishing that I did.

>> wishing he did what? O_o

"Work?" She glared at me.

>> Glare isn't a dialogue tag...

"You're... you're an executioner, aren't you?!" She pushed me against the wall and barked at me, "You killed him didn't you?"

>> Two ending punctuations. This is a novel, not a comic. Use only one.

"You executioners are all entertainers, that's what you are!" She grabbed my shirt and swung me to the edge of the wall.

Shaking my head did not help ease the vertigo, but I performed it either way.

>> Shaking one's head already means swinging one's head from side to side. ;]

I groaned as she sighed and apologized.
¶
“Sorry, it seems that my emotions got the best of me.” She laid her back on the wall and slowly slid down into a sitting position.

“Then tell me, how is killing the king’s daughter have to do with any of this?” I questioned with query.

>> That seems redundant.

“Wasn’t that in your plan? The king said that the Sandman killed his daughter.”

“That can’t be right, his only mission was to infiltrate the castle and give me the information, besides, I only heard that he was executed.”

I was astonished. “But the note that he gave you, it was written in both sides, I did not see any info.”

“That’s because you’re a fool, he wrote it in washable ink, all you need to do is wash the note and put it over a fire. The hidden message will reveal after that,” she said.

>> OOOOOHHH... what could be the hidden message. O_o

Realizing, I nodded my head like an idiot.
¶
Axelle then rose and said, “Well I got to get back to work, you’re in the Executioner’s Den right?”

I replied, “Yeah.”

>> You can delete the tag. Sometimes, when it's too obvious, you have to delete the tag, 'cause adding tags breaks the flow. ;]

“Then I’ll send you words when I need you, ‘till then.” She walked toward me and gave me a grip on my collar.

“That’s J'envoie Valser, isn’t it?” a familiar voice asked me.

I turned to looked. “Jade?”

>> Infinitive.

“Oh I’m sorry; it’s hard to tell where you were since there are so many conversations going on all at once.” She apologized.

“No, I’m not here by myself; I’m just waiting for my aunt to come back.” She pointed at her aunt, who was arguing with a commoner. “What are you doing here?”

>> How did she point out her aunt??? O_O

“Madame Ames, I’d like to go get the errands on my own,” she said.

“W-what?” she scoffed at me, as if blaming it on me. “How will you know where you’re going?”

>> This was obviously confusing. The way you put the pronouns. Who is she, and why would she answer herself? This kind of mistakes would make readers read again and trace back who said who, but unfortunately wouldn't find any answers. Trust me, only a few would use their common sense and understand that Jade was the one speaking first, then her Aunt. Most readers would get pissed off and either read on without understanding, or put down the book.

Good thing is, this is a problem easy to solve. Be careful with antecedents. As much as possible, when putting up a dialogue with two people with the same gender, repeat their names in the tags. Easy, right? =)

“That’s a papaya,” I whispered to her.

Then she touched a green fruit, her face showed an unfamiliar expression.

>> I'd like that "unfamiliar expression" described. Did she pout? Did she look straight? Did her mouth curved? =)

“That’s a papaya,” I whispered to her.

“Guess Axelle is making trouble for thieves, too.”

“What was that?” Jade automatically responded to my voice, still fingering the fruit.

I tapped Jade’s head and said, “I’ll be back in a minute.”

>> Aww...cutie. Jade's such a kid! Haha!

I proceeded to the quilt market and saw Axelle, pinning down the thief.

>> No comma.

GRAMMAR
I'm sorry, but sadly, I really can't tell if you've improved. One thing maybe is 'cause you switched to past tense. But good for you, you've obviously improved with the dialogue tags.

The tenses were slipping off. It's kinda funny, but we all know that's the result of switching to past tense, so no worries. You'll get the hang of it. I know soon, you'll drop the present tense verbs. =)

OVERALL

I have some points for you about the plot and characters:

1. I find his walking out the meeting abrupt. You didn't tell us what happened. I mean, he just got all pissed off and then walked out. Didn't his friends even try to stop him? Wasn't that meeting important? What kind of meeting was that by the way?

2. I find his reading Axelle's word at the market kind of weird. He had only known her for a night, and he knew exactly what she was telling him. O_o She just smirked at him, and he at once knew where to go?

3. I know Vincent would not hurt Axelle, but why didn't he defend himself? O_o he was being beaten up by a lady, and he wasn't even trying to stop her? Hmm... he's a too goodie-goody.

4. I honestly don't think Jade's Aunt would let her go with a stranger. O_o But if that's how she is, don't portray her as caring ever again! LOL

5. Also, the French format. Here, you didn't italicize:

“Les pommes, bananes, oranges,” she reminded herself.

But here, you put the French word in italics:

“That’s what I thought; you should go back and start making those quilts, putain.”

I encourage you to be consistent so not to confuse readers.

ALL IN ALL...
Sadly, I didn't much like this chapter. And if this was random, why post it? I hope you will only put stuffs that's connected to the plot. I'm sorry if I sounded harsh. I still like Jade by the way. Haha! Vincent and her are acting like kids. LOL It's like they're both so naive. Haha...

I have nothing more to say, I guess. Already got a long review. Haha! I hope you consider everything I suggested so I didn't waste my time nitpicking and telling you everything I had to say. LOL Don't you worry, Roal. I'm still in for the next chapter. *likes* I just hope you know how to end this, 'cause so far, I'm still a bit confused with what's happening. It was like the only things connected to the plot was the note.

Anyway, I'd like to know what will happen. PM me for questions, or post on my wall. Hope I've helped! =)) And the past tense thingy is better. LOL

~ Jash ♥

P.S.
I have reviewed for grammatical errors. Just now did I remember that I weren't supposed to nitpick you? O_o Well, the review is over. Just tell me next time what kind of review you want, kay? And also, please post in my WRFF thread. Thanks a bunch! =))

Hey, Roal!

I'm not going to give you a nit-picky review, is that okay? If you do want me to point out any nit-picks that I have, just ask and I'll make another post with them in it. Jash has already given you a great nit-picky review, so I don't want to repeat what she's already said. More importantly though, I'd rather concentrate on the deeper stuff than on the minor issues.

QUESTION: Are thoughts like dialogs? Cause he's thinking... and it sounds awkward to me if it said "What was her problem?" rather than "What's her problem?"

Yep! Thoughts, dialogue, and things like letters are always in present tense, even if it's in a past tense piece.

I actually knew all of the words without the dictionary. I was proud of myself! I only took French for two years. Fair enough, oranges was easy... but I knew that Les Pommes was apple, and Putain was whore... Yeah, I got bored in lessons. The French dictionary was just staring at me during my boredom... What can I say?

Axelle did not reply, only grabbing a piece of paper and began to write. After she finished, she shoved the paper to me and said, "Take this and leave now."
I quickly followed her orders. Sudden jumpI left the house and walked to the Executioner's Den; I slowly unfolded the paper and examined it:

You see where I've written "Sudden Jump"? Well, believe it or not, that's where I thought there was a sudden jump between two scenes. I'd have preferred for you to have shown us a bit more in the house. The woman, for example. We only got a quick glimpse of her. What was the house like inside? What did the woman look like? Did they say anything else to each other? How did they leave? This is a wonderful opportunity for you to add some colour to the piece.

I saw this as a minor problem in the last chapter actually. You seem to be having a tendency to rush through scenes. It's like one second, your MC is in a house, the next, he's at work. Try and remember to let us readers know he gets back and forth between these places, and also make sure that you let us know what everything was like while he was in these places. That's one thing you haven't really done in the part I quoted here. Basically, some of these parts are feeling a little rushed to me.

"Having fun?" he retorted. "You were suppose to be here 30 minutes ago you imbécile!"
"Well, then you shouldn't put this meeting in the late night then!" I growled at them and left the meeting. I gave out a gloomy sighed as I stare at the ground. Now I've really done it. They're piss at me all right. I headed back to my Den as I opened the door and gave an intent looked at my bed. After many minutes, I yawned, jumped on the bed and fell asleep.

This another example of rushing. It seems odd that Vincent would just shout aggressively like that. I was having fun isn't a reasonable excuse, and he'd surely know that. Plus, I don't really understand why or how he's angry. It's like he's having mood swings or something. After getting a row from them, which would anger him a little, maybe you could have him sit down for a while, but not really concentrate on what the others are saying. His mind keeps running back to the letter, and when one of the others ask him a question, he tells them that he doesn't care or whatever. You could escalate from there then.

As well as that, I found that the way Vincent fell asleep a little sudden. I mean, there must have been quite a bit on his mind, right? He'd just gotten a letter telling him that he was going to destroy the enemy. If I was told to destroy an enemy I didn't even know about, I'd be freaked out. Maybe you could have him think about that before he gets to sleep, making sleeping itself a difficult task because there's so much on his mind. Basically, just don't rush parts! Make sure that you show us as much as possible.

I think that's the only real issue I'm finding in this. I really want to see you slowing some things down. When the thief was caught is another example of this. It all happened so quickly. I know that you can keep things at a steady pace, Roal. Please don't feel as though you need to hurry through anything because you have plenty of time. If that means making your chapters a little longer than you want, then that's fine. Make sure that you describe and show us readers everything that is needed. Otherwise, we'll just feel as though we're losing track of everything that's going on.

Negatives aside, I still do like this a lot. One thing that you seem to manage to achieve very well is the way you make and create your characters. They're all interesting, but at the same time, they're realistic too. I didn't find Axelle's character unrealistic, which surprised me a little. I always get a bit paranoid about angry character's, but I thought she was believable. I think that if you slow down the part where she grabs Vincent, she could become even more realistic because I did find her reactions a tiny bit extreme there.

Keep writing,

xoxo Skins

Thanks for your feedback, I appreciate it 8D