The White Company (part one)

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“We should be down there. How are we ever to get into this fight if they always keep us on reserve?” A young elven knight stood on the eves of a snow covered forest, gazing down into the valley before him. ”How could they be so ignorant?” he muttered.

“Talking to yourself again, my young master?”

The knight turned to see an older elf coming towards him leading two snow white horses. “Ah Lucian, I might as well talk to myself, it seems no one else will heed my advice. Come, see for yourself.” Said the knight as Lucian strode up to him. “look there. The Ilustriums left flank is completely exposed. A sudden attack could sweep their entire line.”

Lucian’s practiced eye caught the foolish mistake in an instant. “You are correct my Lord. With no one protecting their wing they will be crippled and useless in combat”

In the valley before them there was a magnificent army. Soldiers from the provinces of Elwindlyn and Ilustrium stood side by side, united by a common enemy to fight for the freedom of Valendale.

The knight drew his sword and held it erect examining the frozen steel closely. “My blade has been clean for far to long. We haven't seen any action since the beginning of this campaign, and now look where we are! Valerian lies just over that range of mountains.” Dropping his sword tip to the ground he continued “Wouldn’t our troops be of much greater use down there, protecting our allies from their own folly?”

“No doubt my lord, our horses would be much more effective out in the open instead of cramped between the trees with no room to maneuver” said Lucian “and the Ilustriums flank would be secure. Your father was very explicit with his orders however, and they are not to be disobeyed. We will to remain concealed in the forest until he himself calls for our assistance.”

“Lucian, down in that valley are thousands of soldiers, from two different nations, And out at sea lying in wait is the entire Selvian navy, the greatest fleet in all of Valendale. We will never be called, they will never need our assistance.”

“All the better for me! I’ve seen enough of war to last me a lifetime. I’m tired of bloodshed and wish now only to live in peace, you too one day will...” BOOM...... BOOM..... BOOM.....

Lucian was cut off mid sentence by the deafening sounding of massive drums. Deep in the caverns of Valerian these ancient drums were reverberating off the walls, creating sonic waves powerful enough to shake the earth for miles around. “We need to get back to the soldiers.” Lucian had to strain to make his master hear him over the throbbing of the drums. Nodding in agreement the knight mounted his horse and followed Lucian back into the forest.

Snow cascaded down from the trees with each beat of the drums. Lucian and the knight wound their way to the top of a small knoll from which they could observe the inevitable battle that was to take place. Awaiting their arrival were one hundred elves mounted on anxious white horses.

As the knight took his position at the head of his troops the the pounding of the drums began to increase, become faster and faster with every passing minute. After thirty agonizing minutes the drums had entered into a deafening drumroll. Every heart seemed to race along with the beat of the drums. The shock waves now came so rapidly that the drums had turned into a sonic weapon. Since their is no possible way for the soldiers to fight back against this menace they were ordered to cover their ears and ride out the storm. Then, suddenly it was silent, or so it had seemed.

For when the drums ceased the horns began. first one, then another, and another until thousands of horns were blaring in the hills on the other side of the valley. Three final beats were then played on the drums. These beats emitted shock waves so massive that they threw every soldier in the snow covered valley to the ground.

As they soldiers attempted to get back on their feet thousands of arrows began to pour down upon them. However this was not the way that the racai, the vile creatures that inhabited Valerian, preferred to fight. After only a few volleys, the arrows stopped falling. The black hills of Valerian now resounded not with the sound of horns, or drums, but with sound of voices. Thousands of voices chanting in unison the battle cry of Valerian.

the armies of Elwindlyn and Ilustrium now strove franticly to reform their ranks before the racai could press the attack. They just barely managed to form a crude shield wall before the valerian horde was upon them. The racai threw themselves at the soldiers penetrating so deep into the ranks of the men and elves that all formation whatsoever was lost. Things soon took a turn for the worst when a contingent of racai, unnoticed in the confusion of battle, made there way around the left flank of the ilustriums and were now falling upon the men from behind! Now caught between a hammer and an anvil the ilustriums had no choice but to order a full retreat.

The torrent of racai could not be stopped. They elves and men were falling left and right. The ground was covered in a mangled heap of bodies, and the day seemed all but lost. But from the rear of the elven army, near the sea shore just above the waterline, hope was kindled. A fire had been lit which let loose a flood of thick, black smoke. As the smoke rose higher and higher the white specs that, at the beginning of the you day could barely make out on the horizon, grew closer and closer. Soon it became quite clear that the specs were in fact the sails of hundreds of ships. A massive armada of awe-inspiring war ships from selvian was slicing its way through the ocean, moving with great speed in order to join in the fight.

As they neared shore they began their work on the specialized war machines on the decks of the galleys. Catapults hurled stones with devastating affect into the hoard of racai, and powerful ballistas launched volleys of flaming spears each of which had the potential to kill two or three racai on impact. During the bombardment the ships also launched from their sides hundreds of landing craft filled with selvian soldiers. With reinforcements so close the hearts of the elven soldiers became filled with hope and, with a great yell, they started to push the racai back creating space between them and the shore.

it was now that the final ploy of Valerian was revealed. Above the din of battle a horn was sounded from the rear of the racai and was answered from the rear of the ilustrium army! a huge red dragon soared through the air right over the place where the knight and his company were still hidden. At the same time the dead racai and the Ilustriums that had fallen to their onslaught now sprang to life and fell on the Elwindlyns! Ilustrium had betrayed the alliance, and their soldiers now brutally murdered their elven allies. As the elven army began to break and run off the field the dragon could be seen out at sea, among the selvian ships! Before it reached the main body of the fleet however it swooped down upon the landing boats. From these there were no survivors, and now a good portion of the once grand armada was ablaze.

it took the concentration of every single selvian soldier that still lived in order to bring down the great lizard. But even after the dragon was dead a fleet of black sailed ships had issued forth from Valerian and were now clashing with the survivors. Knowing that it was hopeless to continue the fight, the selvians fled leaving behind them dozens of wrecked ships and closely pursued by the black sails.

Back on shore there was a very gruesome scene. The elves, in their attempts to break away from the battle had lost all organization whatsoever and were cut down by their assailants. The knight had lost track of his fathers position amid the chaos of the retreat until he noticed a small body of elves going against the flow of traffic towards the enemy! In the middle of this group was his fathers banner and at their head, the lord Du-Weldon himself. He lead his troops forward until the last fleeing soldier was behind them. His troops now strove to get themselves into a phalanx formation. With spears projecting out front and archers ready in the rear they waited for their enemy. They stood their ground not even flinching as an overwhelming flood of racai rolled towards them. When the two forces met the dark tide of valerian broke upon the elves like water on a rock. Bows twanged and swords clanged as the elves pushed against the torrent of racai.

The Elwindlyns held their ground for a while, but against such odds it was a hopeless endeavor. It was apparent they would soon break and be overrun so the lord Du-Weldon ordered a special flag to be raised. Upon seeing the flag the young knight shot a quick glance at Lucian. The old elf nodded and drew his sword. Likewise drawing his sword the knight stood in his stirrups and raising his sword towards his fathers company he gave the order to charge. One hundred elves stormed down into the valley. When they approached the combatants they split up into two groups and smashed into the racai on either flank of the lord Du-Weldon's troops. The racai were taken completely by surprise, and the attack successfully drove the enemy back away from the small group of elves.

The knight surged forward at the head of the charge striking down the enemy left and right. But the racai were to many and he soon found himself at a stand still, isolated from the rest of the horsemen and surrounded by the creatures of Valerian. He tried to fight his way back through the racai but he was now assaulted on all sides and it was impossible. His horse suddenly reared up on its hind legs and crashed to the ground, a long shaft projecting from its chest. One of the racai must have gotten passed the knight and plunged its spear into the heart of the noble charger.

When the horse fell it pinned the knights leg underneath it. One racai, placing its foot on the knights chest drew its knife and raised it for the kill. The knight only looked into the racais eyes and smiled. the racai smiled back and uttered some insult under its breath. the knife began to descend toward the knights throat. But it never even came close. over the knight passed Lucian on his white horse. a quick flash of steel and the racai was suddenly missing its head. the knife fell harmlessly to the ground and Lucian fell upon the surrounding racai. As Lucian had the Valerians occupied a score of lord Du-Weldon's troops came to the aid of the knight. While most of them created a perimeter around the knight the rest worked at getting him free from the body of his dead horse. When they had finally got him free they signaled Lucian and together, Lucian, the knight, and lord Du-Weldon’s soldiers cut their way back to the last remaining soldiers of the alliance left on the battlefield.

Their numbers had been greatly diminished, even with the the knight’s horsemen swelling their ranks.

“Well done Lucian! That was quite a magnificent display of you skill with a blade.” lord Du-Weldon’s voice rose high above the sound of battle. The soldiers broke their phalanx formation and allowed Lucian and Du-Weldon’s son to pass through. The twenty elves that had aided Lucian in rescuing the knight stayed behind to fill the gaps in the line.

Lucian strode up to an unusually tall elf in highly ornamented armor. “Thank you, my lord.” said lucian as he saluted his master and long time friend. “Your son has been pulled out of the fire for the most part free of any burns.” and looking to the knight at his side he said “He was lucky this time, but there wont always be someone there to deliver him from the grip of death.”
“I was very eager for battle. I let the excitement get to my head and rushed to far ahead of my men. It will not happen again. Thank you, Lucian, that was exceptional timing a moment more and i would be drowning in a pool of my own blood.”

“I can not say that it wasn’t inspirational! Foolhardy maybe, but you put life back into my soldiers, gave them hope.” said lord Du-Weldon as he embraced his son “We may even make it out of this alive.”

“I hardly dare to pray that.” said Lucian “These racai are no match for the steel of Elwindlyn, but that large body of Ilustriums might do us in.”

A few hundred yards away and closing fast was a large group of Ilustrium soldiers, Their red cloaks stood out clearly against the jet black of Valerian. These soldiers did not swarm over there enemy in a chaotic clump, they employed hyper advanced fighting techniques and moved together in tightly packed formations. They could Easily rival any single army one the face of the earth, and they were headed straight for the Elwindlyns.

“In that case maybe its time to call it a day?” said Du-Weldon with an almost cheerful tone to his voice.

“Aye order the retreat.” said Lucian with a sigh “I was so hoping to slide my blade past a few more internal organs today.”

“Ahh ahh you may still have the chance my friend, who do you expect will cover my soldiers retreat? The ghosts of their fallen comrades? HA-HA! Come lucian let us to the front and order the retreat.”

The knight didn’t completely understand this odd behavior, but Du-Weldon and lucian had been through countless battles together, its quite possible that they had each received any number of blows to the head. Du-Weldon stopped mid step and turned back to the knight “Are you coming, son?” he asked.

“I would be honored, my lord.” replied the knight.

“Then come! take your rightful place at my side, It’s is high time you got some quality combat experience.”

The knight grinned with anticipation and followed his father to the front line.

The retreat had begun by the time they had taken up their positions. Rank after rank broke off and made for the forest as the front line gradually gave ground to the hoards of racai. Lucian had seen to it that only the absolute best fighters were in the front line, which were to be the very last soldiers of the alliance on the battlefield.

Little by little the elves aloud themselves to be pushed back until the front line soldiers were left in the fight. Under the shadow of the snow covered forest they held their ground in a final attempted to buy their comrades more time. It was here that the Ilustriums at last caught up with the battle. Lord Du-Weldon was about to give the order for his men to break off the fight and flee when a figure cloaked completely in the red of Ilustrium hurtled through the air and before he his feet even touched the ground thrust the tip of his sword at Du-Weldon’s heart.

Dodging the strike Du-Weldon swung his sword at the ilustrium. The cloaked soldier deflected the blow but before he could renew his attack the elf slashed him across the face. His hood had been knocked back and for the first time Du-Weldon got a look at his assailant. This was no ordinary soldier. His eyes glowed blood red, his skin was pale and cracked, and the gash in his forehead was burning like red hot iron. He was a drake, one the chosen soldiers of the king of ilustrium. Drakes were amongst the most deadly soldiers in valendale and were known for their nightmarish cruelty.

“Retreat! fall back to the woods!” he managed to say before the Drake was upon him again. This time the drake was relentless. He thrust and slashed at such a rapid rate the elf could not keep up. Du-Weldon misjudged an attack and he found himself down on his knee, blood gushing from his leg. In one swift move the drake knocked the sword out of Du-Weldon’s hand and thrust his own blade through the elves’ heart.

With his final breath he turned to his son and said “Run, Ascolon run!”
~WMD~




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i know its a bit of a read but i would really appreciate some feedback =)
~WMD~




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Hello!
My name is Lindsey and I shall be reviewing your work today! Keep in mind that I'm only trying to help you and make you better! Ok, now I'll shutup and get on with the review...

The knight turned to see an older elf coming toward him, leading two snow white horses. “Ah, Lucian, I might as well talk to myself. It seems no one else will heed my advice. Come, see for yourself.” said the knight as Lucian strode up to him. “Look there. The Ilustrium's left flank is completely exposed. A sudden attack could sweep their entire line.”


With the word 'toward', I'm pretty sure it can have an 's' at the end. However, being from America, I believe 'toward' is more grammatically correct. This really doesn't matter since it is such a dialectical word. 'Backward' is the same way. I just thought I'd add that in there since a lot of people get confused with it.

“You are correct, my Lord. With no one protecting their wing, they will be crippled and useless in combat.


The knight drew his sword and held it erect, examining the frozen steel closely. “My blade has been clean for far to long. We haven't seen any action since the beginning of this campaign, and now look where we are! Valerian lies just over that range of mountains.” Dropping his sword tip to the ground, he continued, “Wouldn’t our troops be of much greater use down there, protecting our allies from their own folly?”


Ok, so I'm not going to go and highlight every single comma error in this chapter but I'm hoping you get the point. Make sure to separate your dependent clauses from your independent clauses and when you are addressing someone by their name!

“No doubt, my lord, our horses would be much more effective out in the open instead of cramped between the trees with no room to maneuver,” said Lucian, “and the Ilustriums flank would be secure. Your father was very explicit with his orders, however, and they are not to be disobeyed. We will to remain concealed in the forest until he himself calls for our assistance.”


Lucian was cut off mid sentence by the deafening sounding of massive drums.


As the knight took his position at the head of his troops the the pounding of the drums began to increase, becoming faster and faster with every passing minute. After thirty agonizing minutes, the drums had entered into a deafening drumroll. Every heart seemed to race along with the beat of the drums. The shock waves now came so rapidly that the drums had turned into a sonic weapon. Since there was no possible way for the soldiers to fight back against this menace, they were ordered to cover their ears and ride out the storm. Then, suddenly it was silent, or so it had seemed.


Make sure the verb tenses agree with each other. Don't go using past tense and then switch it to present tense!

For when the drums ceased the horns began; first one, then another, and another until thousands of horns were blaring in the hills on the other side of the valley. Three final beats were then played on the drums. These beats emitted shock waves so massive that they threw every soldier in the snow-covered valley to the ground.


Thousands of voices chanting in unison; the battle cry of Valerian.


Things soon took a turn for the worst worsewhen a contingent of racai, unnoticed in the confusion of battle, made their way around the left flank of the ilustriums and were now falling upon the men from behind. Now caught between a hammer and an anvil, the ilustriums had no choice but to order a full retreat.


I know 'things' isn't technically wrong, but I hate the word. Using is occasionally is fine but when it can be replaced by another advanced word, that is often preferred. Try saying 'The events' or something.

As they neared shore they began their work on the specialized war machines on the decks of the galleys. Catapults hurled stones with devastating effectinto the hoard of racai, and powerful ballistas launched volleys of flaming spears each of which had the potential to kill two or three racai on impact.


Remember that effect is a noun and affect is a verb. It's important to know when to place each word in a sentence or else you give it an entirely different meaning!

Introduction:
For the beginning of the book, I did quite enjoy it. However, it did seem a bit rushed and jumped into the action a bit too soon without really going in to much detail. For example, I didn't really get a feel for what Lucian looked like. The only image I could come up with was a young man with pointed ears. It was a nice hook, but I felt like you did a lot of telling and not enough showing. What I mean is, describe the scene and the people rather than just state a simple sentence about it. It's a big motto hear on YWS, so be on the lookout for a lot of reviews containing this. (:

Characters:
The characters seemed pretty one-sided and uninteresting to me. As mentioned before, I think this has to do with the fact you needed to show and not tell. There wasn't much description at all on any of the characters; most of the chapter was solely focused on the battle. Which is not terrible, but also not recommended. A story involves characters that the readers come to love and care for. If the readers do not begin to care for your characters in chapter 1, you'll lose a lot of interest. Well, at least in my case. Just pay attention to modifying them, it'll help in the long run. Now, I don't mean blatantly stating that "Lucian had blue eyes and a pale complexion." Try to make it flow into the story nicely. Maybe he can catch a glimpse of his reflection on the sword and you can write about what he sees. Your characters just seem like cardboard and you really need to make them stand out.

Grammar:
I noticed you had some trouble with this throughout your story, especially with commas. Just remember that independent clauses need to be separated from dependent clauses. Dependent clauses are phrases that cannot stand alone by themselves. For example, "After they went to the market..." If you were to leave that sentence as is, it would make no sense whatsoever. That is a dependent clause and needs to be separated by commas. Also, toward the end of the chapter, it seemed as though you got lazy and didn't feel like capitalizing anything after a period or even someone's name. Make sure to review your work after you are done. It makes life easier for us reviewers.

Overall:
I liked the story and will definitely be reading more when you post it. The only thing I have to say is to read some articles online to help better your understanding of punctuation and grammar. Those were the only mistakes that I found throughout this chapter and can easily be improved by researching and practicing your knowledge. Other than that, the story read well! I'm very impressed by how you told the battle seen. Very creative. (: Just make sure to keep it unique and different from other stories. Good work!
"Next year I'll be transferred to Pigfarts."
<3



It's like everyone tells a story about themselves inside their own head. Always. All the time. That story makes you what you are. We build ourselves out of that story.
— Patrick Rothfuss, The Name of the Wind