A Veil of Clouds

In my dream I walk along the yellow beach of humanity.
Each grain of sand is a thought from the people of the world.
Some stay and are kept forever. Some are swept away by the chilling waves,
swished along black oil and are drowned instantly by the unforgiving nature of the see.
Even as the sun glints blue – grows cold and dies away,
a light source glows from behind a veil of clouds
to shine a golden warmth over the sand-
Illuminating the grains with brilliant light.
Air pauses, confounded by it's passenger.
Time halts to conceive it's conqueror
The cold waters are trapped. Blinded by their own expression.
Life is what hides behind the veil.
The warm glow of hope is what beams down.

This is fantastic! I love the flow. The only thing I can think of is that the majority of the lines are capatalized while two (or three, I forgot) are not, and you might want to consider changing that, but I really liked it! Keep writing!

Very well done. You certainly paint a picture I can see, and the way you subtley describe things is the best part of it. I agree with Kwantack on the capitalization thing, you should definitely change that. I also found one other mistake:

Air pauses, confounded by it's passenger.
Time halts to conceive it's conqueror

it IS
it IS
it IS

Change it to 'its', in other words. Sorry, that apostrophe thing annoys me. Fix those and this should be a fine literary piece indeed.

Hello, thatboy. I'm Freak. I really love this poem. It is so amazing. No joke. You have great imagery and I get a sense of calmness.

Nitpicks, though :

In my dream I walk along the yellow beach of humanity.
Each grain of sand is a thought from the people of the world.
Some stay and are kept forever. Some are swept away by the chilling waves,
swished along black oil and are drowned instantly by the unforgiving nature of the see Not "sea?".
Even as the sun glints blue – grows cold and dies away,
a light source glows from behind a veil of clouds
to shine a golden warmth over the sand-
Illuminating the grains with brilliant light.
Air pauses, confounded by it's passenger.
Time halts to conceive it's conqueror (Period)
The cold waters are trapped. (No period - comma) Blinded by their own expression.
Life is what hides behind the veil.
The warm glow of hope is what beams down.

Anyway, great job besides what Vast. and Kwantack also mentioned, but write on! And PM me for anything.

Hey Thatboy!
I would like to start with, amazing piece! It flows wonderfully and you had some great word choices! For me it was a nice length, if a poem gets too long I lose interest The only problem I see is this;

thatboy wrote:The cold waters are trapped. Blinded by their own expression.

When you have two sentences on a line like that. I think it would look better and flow a bit better if you added a cama or just made 'Blinded by their own expression.' a separate line! I saw this a couple of times through out the poem.

Over All: Nice job, you have hardly any errors! This poem was nice to read. Keep writing, and happy review day!

- Katherine

This was really good, and it had a smooth flow to it. The only thing really is that you do a lot of telling, and even though you do a good job with keeping it original and descriptive, I would've liked it this went a little deeper. All the same, it's still really good.
Keep writing,
StoryWeaver

Hello!

Grammar:

I'm not going to do nitpicks, but in your poem the grammar is quite off-putting and, for me, really detriments the flow and overall feel. As some people have pointed out, you split sentences when you don't need to, which gives lines a very jarring feel. Also, at the ends of lines you use a lot of full-stops when you could use commas, which again makes reading it very stilted. With poetry, a general rule can be to punctuate it like prose.

Show, Don't Tell:

Right now, in your poem you do a lot of 'This is my point/idea' and then simply telling the reader what it is. For example, you use some good imagery in there, but instead of showing the reader what the veil/light is, you simply use the last two lines to tell them. This is a pretty easy way out, as I feel like you could tell them in a better way - poetry isn't about spelling everything out for the reader, feel free to leave them thinking.

Overall:

Sometimes, I felt like you were being unnecessarily wordy here. For example:

a light source glows from behind a veil of clouds

and

Illuminating the grains with brilliant light.

could be cut down quite easily. If you want to keep them this way, then it's no big deal, but I think it would read nicer if some parts were a little more concise.

I liked this poem, I thought that your premise was good and you carried it off relatively well. However, it can definitely be improved. In addition to everything I've said, I think you need to look at your poem and consider going a little bit deeper than you have done already. Yes, at the moment it's okay, but it can't be much more than that until you try to go deeper than the surface level into the topic you're looking at. Superficially, it's good, but I think there is more you can do with this to make it better.

Hope this helped, PM me with questions.

-Amy

In my dream I walk along the yellow beach of humanity.

I like this opening line, showing not telling is good.

Each grain of sand is a thought from the people of the world.

This line is a little cliché, but the next line flows so well that it's forgiven.

Some stay and are kept forever. Some are swept away by the chilling waves,

swished along black oil and are drowned instantly by the unforgiving nature of the see.

sea And I think this extra information isn't needed and is slightly annoying to read. Better to keep it as;
swished along black oil and are drowned instantly by its unforgiving nature.

Even as the sun glints blue – grows cold and dies away,
a light source glows from behind a veil of clouds
to shine a golden warmth over the sand-

Quite a lot of showing here, but I really like the ideas.

Illuminating the grains with brilliant light.
Air pauses, confounded by it's passenger.
Time halts to conceive it's conqueror
The cold waters are trapped. Blinded by their own expression.
Life is what hides behind the veil.
The warm glow of hope is what beams down.

I love the ending, but as someone else said, be careful;
it's = it is
its = possession

Overall this is a very beautiful poem, I like the messages within it.
Keep writing,

~Crim

Hi, theboy! Wow, I love this poem! It's just awesome! Good work! My favorite part is "Each grain of sand is a thought from the people of the world." Thanks for posting this! Baiii

I'm LastPaladin and I shall be your reviewer, this piece struck as something trying to be deep but missing the mark as even though it has the imagery it doesn't really try show us this, see a piece that shows as opposed to tell, is stronger in context. This here just doesn't seem to hit the mark. But best way for me to really help is elaborate on what I'm saying, so here I offer my thoughts.

To explain what I'm getting at, I shall first praise you on some of the imagery, the fact it doesn't seem to connect is quite a bother it just seems a list of things --- perhaps loosely connects is better, but even still they should connect a bit more, right now it seems like a list, more like the plan of a poem. I shall this this imagery here and then move on to this piece and so on and so forth. It doesn't come across as poetic, worse still as Aqua said it doesn't show, as much as telling us everything in some cases this can work, rarely I may say. Here it doesn't do you a favour, your concept seems totally worthless without the actual invitation to experience said poem. It's much like trying to dive into a pool to find it's been iced up and you slam your head on the ice and wake up with a bloody scalp. Graphical I admit, but a poem shouldn't block entry, it should invite you in, say 'Come in my friend' not scream 'No room, no room' which this does and even though the theme is quite pretty it's lost on us because we don't care, our heads hurt, the ice hasn't melted and we're left feeling cheated.

Overall: You need to allow readers entries without this imagery falls flat, without this it's hard to find a saving grace as the reviewers were desperately trying to keep reading it, but as you didn't try take us in, it's impossible to point out lines we like. But just because this is rather harsh I shall try.

Air pauses, confounded by it's passenger.
Time halts to conceive it's conqueror

This is great a series of lines, but when not allowed entry the effects of said lines never really come to full fruition. Sadly. My recommendation is read more poetry and you shall find how to slowly let readers in. it takes practice but can be done.

Hope this helps.

Lovely. Nice water-like-flow to it all.Nice words and meaning. Good job!

I agree with LastPaladin.

There's something very off-putting about your wording, and how you mix technical terms with softer things. (ex: "a light source glows from behind a veil of clouds")
It seems counter-intuitive to have the given subject matter presented so harshly and without finesse.
There's no emotion or feeling of movement, and in the end it feels like a superficial copy that lacks the depth of something real, fluid and human.
But even though it's coming across as stilted and vacant, the ideas are there!
I suggest doing more reading, and then reflecting upon how to take an abstract concept and make it poetic. It isn't all about fluffy words, you need some solid substance as well.

Good luck!