Icefire - part 11 (Final Chapter)

6 posts
User avatar
Gender Female
Points 30278
Reviews 482
Well, this is it. The last part. Which reminds me, any comments focused particularly on the ending (after the separation of ~~~) would be much appreciated; I feel like I need to change it, but I'd like to get some feedback on it before I do. Thanks! :)

Icefire, part 11

Lynn carried Amber, rushing through the castle. He could feel the coldness, and though it energized him, he knew that it was rapidly weakening the girl. Her breathing was becoming uneven and she couldn’t stop shuddering.
Lynn burst into the Hall, where the fireplace was. The place was completely devoid of any signs of life, and Lynn staggered forward, feeling his arm weakening from blood loss. But he ignored it and set Amber gently down onto the floor. Taking an arrow from her quiver, he struck it against the flint on her crossbow and let the flame ignite the logs in the fireplace.
It started to spread slowly, and Lynn anxiously sat Amber up. She huddled closer to him and he wrapped his arms around her, rubbing her arms to keep the circulation up.
“You’ll be fine,” he murmured as the cold intensified. He impatiently poked the fire with the arrowhead, and a little spark went up. But the flames were succumbing to the freezing temperature that was permeating the room, and the fire died.
“No!” Lynn said, poking the logs and blowing gently on the small sparks that were dancing about. They blazed for a second before disappearing completely.
Lynn hugged Amber closer, feeling her heart slowly pounding on his chest. It was fading, and he cast about desperately in his mind for something that would bring her back. He felt the temperature lessen slightly in cold, increasing in pace, but not quickly enough to revive her fully. Lynn knew that if he could just get her heart beating more rapidly, she would be able to survive.
He stared at her face. Her eyes were closed, her cheeks were pale, and she was breathing unevenly. Lynn suddenly knew what to do. Or rather, he knew what he wanted to do, and convinced himself that it would work. And miraculously enough, it did.
Leaning down, he pressed his lips to hers. Amber’s eyes fluttered open and her heart leaped in her chest. It was enough to send the blood rushing from her heart to melt the cold that was approaching it. Her heart rate slowly increased and as the temperature warmed she began to get color back in her cheeks, which were a bright red now.
“I-I’m sorry,” Lynn stammered, suddenly realizing what he had done and going crimson in the face as well.
“For what? You saved me, and I thank you for that,” Amber said, staring shyly up at him.
They smiled at each other, both somewhat uncomfortable. Someone burst into the room at that moment, giving them a good excuse to look away from each other.
“The Fiamalans are defeated, their queen is dead!” a man shouted exultingly, then seemed to notice that Lynn was kneeling by the fireplace, Amber cradled in his arms. “Oh…terribly sorry,” he said, backing quickly out of the room.
The two laughed, and Amber sat up. “Come on,” she said, rising to her feet. “Let’s go see what’s happening.”
Lynn rose as well and they linked arms as they walked out into the fresh air and the sunlight.
They were greeted by the sound of cheers and Peter’s voice calling, “Lynn! Amber! Over here!” The two ran over to meet their friend, and they all embraced. Queen Jade stood by, watching them with a smile upon her face.
“Amber of Fiamal,” she said, and the crowd hushed. “I thank you for your service to us here. If not for your cooperation and aid, we would surely have been taken by surprise by the Fiamalans and defeated.” Amber nodded her head respectfully, and the queen turned to Lynn. “Lynn of Tjaele and Peter of Sothil, I thank you also for your service. The Gem was able to slay the evilest of beings among us, and the surviving Fiamalans are returning to their homeland.” Lynn and Peter grinned at each other and nodded. The queen continued. “I invite you all to stay here in Sothil, if it so pleases you. However, I understand if you want to return to your own homeland.”
Lynn glanced at Amber, who smiled at him. “I’ll send a dispatch to Vergal,” he said, turning back to Queen Jade. “I know he was always discussing the idea with you of setting up an outpost here in Sothil to keep an eye and communicate things back to the Tjaeleans. I figure I’ve had enough experience and ties here to qualify me for that outpost.”
Queen Jade smiled at him. “I am honored by your decision,” she said, and then looked at Amber. “And what is your wish?”
Amber bowed her head, thinking. “I, too, shall stay in Sothil,” she said. “This place feels more like a home to me than Fiamal ever was. I don’t have any family to keep me there.” She sidled closer to Lynn. “Besides, I couldn’t bear to be separated from my friends.”
Peter yelled with delight and threw his hands up in the air. That was all that the restless crowd needed, and the castle came alive with shouts and celebrating.
~~~~~

As the evening approached the place was preparing for a celebratory feast. Lynn and Amber took the opportunity to walk along the walls, overlooking the surrounding lands.
Lynn glanced behind them and saw Peter hesitantly approaching. “Come here!” he called happily, and Peter trotted forward.
“I’m so glad you’re staying!” he said to them.
“I am, too,” Lynn said, glancing at Amber. She smiled happily back at him.
Peter grinned at them. “Who would’ve thought it?” he said musingly.
“Thought what?” Amber asked.
“That you two would be so close,” he said, ducking from the swipe Lynn directed at him. “After all, you started out as enemies. I thought you would’ve killed each other.”
“Well,” Amber said, leaning against the wall’s crenellation, “I’m glad I didn’t kill Lynn when I had the chance.”
Lynn smiled. “I’m glad you didn’t either,” he said, and they all laughed.
Any passerby who looked up at the sound would have seen the three standing on the walls, all of them from different lands and with different appearances, but with the same genuinely happy smiles upon their faces and joy in their hearts as they turned and together watched the sun set, bathing everything in a pinkish-orange glow as a peaceful silence fell upon the land.
Last edited by Ranger Hawk on Tue Nov 30, 2010 4:33 am, edited 1 time in total.
There are two kinds of folks who sit around thinking about how to kill people:
psychopaths and mystery writers.

I'm the kind that pays better.
~Rick Castle




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 30301
Reviews 770
My daughter!

I can't believe this is already done. Ok. I have nitpicks about this one.

But overall impressions I do.

This is a good story. Good idea. But it needs serious lengthening. We need more background. I remember wondering about Amber's relationship with the Queen, which you commented on afterwards. But I didn't want you to tell me; it needs to be in the story.

The descriptions that you do are good, but we need more. How does Amber feel, seeing the Queen die, if she was a surrogate mother to her. How does she feel staying away from what she's known. She tells us she's fine, but is she really?

And Lynn. We know practically nothing about him, besides the fact that he has a master. All this needs elaboration. I want to get to know more of the characters. Where they're from, what are their pet peeves, what makes them tick. Peter is the only one who really truly stands out, but secondary characters often do that. We can allow them to be a little more crazy and more fun.

But the story itself, I liked. I like the world you've created, the different 'countries', the personalities, the gem. I think the journey to the mountain could have been longer, which is where we would have gotten to know the characters a little more. Who's the better provider? The better hunter? A little competing between them would have been good? Are they gracious when defeated, or not?

I still stand by my offer to be your beta reader, if you're willing to read my numerous comments ;)

I'm so glad you kept posting; I really truly liked this. Thank you.

Mom :D




User avatar
Gender None specified
Points 72525
Reviews 1220
Rejoice for it is Review Day, and here I am to do some reviewing. With that said, I haven't read the previous chapters, so if I bring up a point that was addressed in a previous chapter, feel free to disregard that point.

Before I start, might I suggest you include a chapter summary in future projects? It will make it easier for walk-in reviewers (like myself) to give you helpful reviews since we'll have a general idea of what's going on in the story, and who's who. Here is an article with tips on how to write chapter summaries.

So, first things first, congrats on finishing! Finishing a novel is always the most difficult part for me, so you get some major kudos from this corner. Of course, there's some revision and rewriting up next, but I'm sure we don't want to think about that just yet. ;P

The main issue this chapter had was how rushed everything was. The fire starting and dying in particular stood out to me as did Amber's miraculously quick recovery. Fires aren't easy to start, and trying to get logs to burn with just flint and steel is nigh impossible without tinder, tinder whose mention is conspicuously absent. In addition, it seems like Amber was about to die from hypothermia, yet a kiss is enough to revive her within seconds. That just is unrealistic. Hypothermia doesn't just go poof! It takes a fair amount of time to recover from it, and heating up someone who is hypothermic too quickly can actually kill them.

So yes. Even though this is the ending, you still need to watch your pacing, and you can still draw out the tension to the very end.

As for the part after the ~~~s, it seemed fine to me considering it's just a short little scene to show that the story is wrapped up and where the characters stand in relation to one another. Not much, if anything, needs to be done with it.
Secretly a Kyllorac, sometimes a Murtle.
There are no chickens in Hyrule.
Princessence: A LMS Project
WRFF | KotGR




User avatar
Gender None specified
Points 30338
Reviews 560
Aww!

Ookay, let me get this way:
Shouldn't Lyn bcold, since he's an ice person? If so, rubbing her to keep her warm whilst standing in front of a fire is more likely to make him warmer and her colder.
A kiss wouldn't actually warm her up enough to keep her alive, it would just make her cheeks a little warmer.

Realism aside, I love it anyway. That is such a cute ending. It wasn't enough to be classed as a romance, but it was still a nice ending for the two.

Now, seriously, don't waste this story! Turn it into a full length novel. This has to be one of my favourite works on yws, so I thank you very, very much for posting it all :D
We were born to be amazing.




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 19723
Reviews 225
It's ending :'( snifff

...Reading....
...Reading....
...Finished!..

Okay, so I reeeeaaaaally liked your story. It's original and real interesting. But I must now nit-pick :(

As Tanya and Tenyo said, you should make this into a real long novel. It's got a good base, you just need to add on more; info on the characters, more obstacles on their way to finding the jewel, more action in the battle sequences, etc.

And for this chapter in particuliar, or the ending really, you definitely need to elaborate on this. The whole chapter seems very rushed, like your main thought was just to get it over with. I also believe the kissing scene was unrealistic (although cute ;) ). You'll need to change that a little, and when she's finally okay, it would have to take her a while longer for her to recover, not just a couple of seconds. Also, when both Amber and Lynn decide to stay there, it's all nice, but it seems way too quick a decision for me. Yes, amber has nobody left over there, but maybe she can mention she'll miss it a little, at least. They both will.

As for the ~~~~~, I believe it also needs some adding on. It seems too quick, like the kind of ending in a kid's fairy tale: the battle ended, nobody was really hurt, and they all lived happily ever after.

So that's my POV. Again, I really enjoyed your novel. I know that after some good tweeking, it'll be AWESOME :D !!
And so, for the last time for this story,
Spitfire out ;)
Got a story you'd like reviewed?
topic75101.html

Punctuation is the difference between "Let's eat, Grandma" and "Let's eat Grandma".




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 30278
Reviews 482
Thank you all for your reviews! I really appreciate them! Now I get to go back and do a massive rewrite... :shock: Thanks again! :D
There are two kinds of folks who sit around thinking about how to kill people:
psychopaths and mystery writers.

I'm the kind that pays better.
~Rick Castle



"I never expected that I should be a queen so soon."
— Alice's Adventures in Wonderland