Kiss of Death: Chapter Two (Part 1)

NOTE: This is Part 1 of Chapter Two, because I felt the whole thing would be far too long. Part 2 will be up soon. Thanks for reading, feel free to rip this apart. Oh and:

If you like this, feel free to join the Official Kiss of Death Page! Nah, I won't kill you (unlike some people...). But we have muffins.


Chapter Two

‘The way. What is the way?’

The boy looked at me quizzically. I could understand his confusion; my grasp of the Humans’ language was far from perfect. I sighed and repeated myself.

He seemed to understand me this time and said something in his language. Not understanding, I shook my head. The boy laughed, and after a moment of hesitation, I laughed with him. Laughter. One of the few languages that transcended all boundaries.

When the laughter finished, he pointed to the West. I traced his finger to a dark forest, far away it seemed. Perhaps half an hour’s walk. I thanked him and started walking. The boy was still sitting on the farm fence when I left. Sheep baa’d behind me.



It was so quiet now. Only five minutes ago, there had been screaming, shouting, fear. But it was so quiet now.

I watched the wood crackle and burn, I watched as the roof caved in with a loud crack and a burst of dust. Smoke was rising high into the air, coils of it kissed the sky. I wondered if the soul of the man I had just killed floated amongst them. None would come and look for him, for he had merely been a hermit living in the forest. And what had he done to deserve his death? He had told the local villagers that the gods they worshipped were false.

The sharp cry of a bird snapped me out of my reverie and I rose from the grass. The forest was alive around the clearing and I entered its darkness, thankful for the cover. Maybe the gods wouldn’t see my tears this time.

Even though I was a distance from it, I could still feel the heat of the fire on my back. Even though it had happened and passed, I could still hear the man’s screams. I watched the life leave him through the ugly gash on his back.

I hated myself. I had hated myself for four years, since the day that Kata left and I had agreed to work for my father. I hated myself for all I had killed in his name, and I hated them too. The gods.

I looked up at the moonless sky; something caught my eye as I did so and I looked down again. I stared at a leaf near me, I felt light-headed. In its green depths was the hermit’s face. The pale skin, nearly yellow. The wild mess of grey hair. The eyes. The eyes of a man who knew he was to die.

A harsh wind blew and I looked up. A familiar face sat by the roots of a tree, not far from me. Boreas, lesser God of Wind. His white hair rustled in a breeze of his own making, and he nodded at me.

“Is the deed done, Zayra?”

I sighed. “Yes, cousin. It is done.” I looked over my shoulder, to where the cottage had been. The wind had killed the flames. “It is done cousin. The man is dead.”

Boreas cocked his head to the side. “You seem shaken.”

“He was innocent.”

“Aren’t we all?” He laughed. I didn’t.

“I’m tired Boreas. Of all of this.” His mirth disappeared, and he merely stared at me. The wind blew again. I wondered if the hermit’s soul watched his ashes ascend in spirals.

“Cousin…” Boreas seemed uncomfortable suddenly, almost as if he didn’t know that I hated running my father’s errands. There was guilt in the way he avoided my eyes, guilt in the way he ran his fingers lightly over his golden hair. Yet whatever his deceit, of all the gods he was the only one I could freely talk to. The only one who seemed almost…human.

“Cousin,” he continued, “don’t speak this way. Your father is a good person. ”

“A good person would be able to fight his own battles, Boreas. A good person would not have innocents murdered in his name!” I don’t know where the anger came from. Perhaps I had always had it. Maybe it started when Kata went and I was left behind. Maybe it grew when I committed my first dark deed. Maybe it had been growing all this while, after each kill. And it had decided to burst forth as I had sat watching the burning house.

Boreas shifted. The look in his eyes changed. He wasn’t a messenger come to make sure I had accomplished my task. He was no longer almost human. He was a god.

“Zayra, you know this is the only way.” A gentle wind blew as he talked. “Do you think, really, that your father would otherwise have left you alive had you not given yourself over to his service? Do you not know how many other siblings of yours he has killed?! You are fortunate, very fortunate, that you live at all. And if a death here, a death there, is all you must pay, better them than you.”

We watched each other in silence for some time. In the distance I heard the cries of animals, owls and deer and all others besides. Slowly, Boreas’ eyes changed again. He became almost human again.

“Cousin, they are gone.” His words had an air of relief to them, and he relaxed. I stared at him in wonder.

“They? Who, Boreas?”

He smiled at me. Then he threw back his head and laughed. His laugh rang out and reverberated around the forest, off the trees, the leaves, off the backs of the small insects.

“Your father’s spies. Do you really think I believe he has any redeeming qualities? Any at all?” He laughed again, but now the laugh wasn’t joyous. It was hard and bitter, that of a wretched man taking off his mask.

“Not that monster. That beast.” He looked at the sky and then back at me; I saw that his grey eyes were hard. “But you are different. Fortunately. Otherwise I would have killed you when I discovered you.” He shifted again and stood up. I had to crane my neck up now, for although I was in no way small he was far taller than I.

“Boreas?” He looked at me.

“What’s changed?” For something had. The air was different, and so was my cousin. He looked deep into my eyes, and then he said:

“Everything.” He stretched. “Did you know, cousin? Once I was the Higher god of Wind. But then I made a single mistake. I lived amongst the humans too long and I forgot who I was. At least in your father’s eyes. And so Aedos, god of Fire, and my father Iblin, god of Sea, stripped me of my power. I am now Lesser.” He stretched again.

“But their curse isn’t perfect. There is a way for me to regain it.”

And then I saw what he wanted.

“No, Boreas. I won’t.”

“Cousin—“

“I refuse to work for anyone again, Boreas. I won’t kill again!”

“Listen first, cousin. There is no killing here. None. And you do not work for me. I believe we can both help each other.” I was glaring at him now. But he didn’t look bothered in the slightest.

Instead he held out his hand to me. I looked at it; I studied the creases and wrinkles on his palm. I wouldn’t work for my father anymore. But I couldn’t escape the fight of my late siblings, not on my own. And so I took Boreas’ hand very slowly.
The wind rose around us and kicked up so much earth that I could no longer see anything. My hand was still clasped in Boreas’ hand, and his presence was a shadow behind the storm of earth. I closed my eyes, and then an odd feeling came over me. When I opened my eyes everything was white. The air was cold, and if I hadn’t been the daughter of Aedos I should have frozen to death on the spot. But I did not.

We were in a forest again, but now snow was everywhere. The sunlight fell from between the leaves above; it shone on the snow and turned it golden. But the snow wasn’t the only thing the sun shone on.

Sitting between the large roots of a sycamore tree was a young woman. She was only partially facing me, but I still recognized her. How could I ever forget? Her hair was longer now, and while it had been the black of late dusk when she left, it was midnight now. She was only four years older, but the part of her face I could see looked so much older. And yet, and yet, Kata was still as beautiful as she had ever been.

I cried her name, once, twice, but she didn’t respond except to turn to a grey cat by her side and say: ‘There are spirits here too, Bartus.’ The necklace I gave her was around her neck, glinting in the sunlight.

Boreas whispered in my ear, ‘She cannot hear you cousin. Nor would she see you if you looked.’

I didn’t turn my head to look at him; my eyes were only for Kata. Four years. While I still lived in the village I had written so many letters to her. But I had never dared send them off with a wyvern. Most I had destroyed.

I hadn’t known whether she was dead or alive. Whether the gods accepted her or not. Whether she still remembered me.
She sat there, as still as the tree against which she leant. It was almost as if she was waiting for something. For someone.

‘Who does she wait for Cousin?’ I asked Boreas, still not turning to him. But before my very eyes the forest began to disappear. First the trees and ground faded, and then the birds flying high in the air. And then the sunlight. And then the cat, Bartus. And then finally, my eyes still on her, Kata herself.

And I was back in the first forest, under the dark sky and back with my sins.
Boreas still stood, and he answered my question. ‘She waits, Cousin, for the one who will kill her. And he is not slow in coming.’

I stared at him in disbelief, and then in anger. ‘Don’t talk such nonsense! Kata is alive and well. She is a prophetess. Don’t you think she would see if she was to die?’ Don’t you think she would have told me? Don’t you think she would have used the necklace I gave her?

Boreas was completely indifferent. ‘Yes Cousin, she is indeed alive and well. For now. That was a glimpse of the Yet To Come; I stole it from the mind of a witch. But it may always change. This is where, I believe, we might help each other.’
I thought of Kata. Of the scent of her hair upon our parting. Of her smile. ‘You’ll help me save her?’

‘I give you my word.’

I swallowed. I looked back into the dark forest where, though I could no longer see it, a dead man’s home had become ash.

‘Then I shall aid you Cousin. As long as Kata remains safe.’

'And so she shall, Cousin. And so she shall.'

------------------------------------------------------------

Thanks for reading! Part 2 will be up soon!

Tiger!

Thanks so much for posting this! I am still very much enthralled with your story and you are very talented.

I don't have any nitpicks, but the only thing I'd like to mention is when she says that she's angry and she doesn't know where the anger is coming from.

Tiger, she' in first person. WHich means we should be feeling what she's feeling. Where does she feel her anger? In her heart, her stomach? Is it a dull ache on her spine that spreads unmercifully?

That's the only thing I want to mention. I certainly hope you'll get published, and I seriously can't see why not. Great job, nicely done!

Tanya

P.S I didn't get a muffin when I joined your page!

Flow here as requested on this fine afternoon!

Ok, well as far as the subject and the plot goes I like it. it moves at a very slow pace though. It almost drags to slow and then mves to fast. When he was leaving the scene it was slow, but when the spies were there is was fast again. I think I would speed up the journey to the god and slow down the spy scene. Make us feel the emotion. The main character almost seems bored with his god-like fury. I wouldn't feel that way if I were faced with that situation.

I also think some more feelling description and colorful words would be nice in this peice.

Other than that though I love it and can't wait to read more.

-Flow-

Thanks for your review guys! I'm trying to correct the things you pointed out. I've also realized from Flow's review that I seem to mix up genders. When I'm writing about guys sometimes they come across as girls, when I write about girls they come across as guys...ah well, I'll learn to fix that with some more writing! Thanks!

Hey Tiger, half of the Dynamic Duo here to review I swear Azrael will come around eventually, but she's about nineteen reviews behind :3 Anyway, on to the review!

I could understand his confusion; my grasp of the Humans’ language was far from perfect.

He seemed to understand me this time and said something in his language. Not understanding, I shook my head.

Beware repetition (shown above in green).

The boy laughed, and after a moment of hesitation, I laughed with him. Laughter. One of the few languages that transcended all boundaries.

When the laughter finished, he pointed to the West. I traced his finger to a dark forest, far away it seemed. Perhaps half an hour’s walk. I thanked him and started walking. The boy was still sitting on the farm fence when I left. Sheep baa’d behind me.

Hmm. I don't exactly know whether this was a strong chapter beginning. Of course I haven't read chapter one, so I don't know what's going on, but if I was a customer and I randomly turned to the second chapter, I would be rightfully confused and perhaps a tad annoyed at the characters portrayed. I know it is probably vital to your plot that your main character doesn't understand the language the other character uses, but is there possibly a way to convey the conversation in a different way? The highlighted parts are fragments I considered weak and too talkative. "Baa'd" is not a word, and not something one would expect to find in a serious published work.

It was so quiet now. Only five minutes ago, there had been screaming, shouting, fear. But it was so quiet now.

Yes, sometimes repetition is good. But only if you do it the right way. How about:
"It was so quiet now. Only five minutes ago there was screaming, shouting, fear. But now it was so quiet that I wished for sounds of suffering to once again fill the air and anchor me to this world."

I hated myself. I had hated myself for four years, since the day that Kata left and I had agreed to work for my father. I hated myself for all I had killed in his name, and I hated them too. The gods.

Again, repetition. You don't want to fall into the trap of continuously repeating something to make a point.

I sighed. “Yes, cousin. It is done.” I looked over my shoulder, to where the cottage had been. The wind had killed the flames. “It is done cousin. The man is dead.”

No need to spoon feed the reader. You've said he was the cousin to a god once, and that's enough. Also, if Boreas is a god, wouldn't he know that the blasphemer was dead? It also seems like a petty job, going around killing those that don't believe, when a god could just appear and tell him otherwise.

I don’t know where the anger came from. Perhaps I had always had it. Maybe it started when Kata went and I was left behind. Maybe it grew when I committed my first dark deed. Maybe it had been growing all this while, after each kill. And it had decided to burst forth as I had sat watching the burning house.

Yes! This is an excellent example of the use of repetition!

Boreas shifted. The look in his eyes changed. He wasn’t a messenger come to make sure I had accomplished my task. He was no longer almost human. He was a god.

Sigh. And then you spoil it here. These five sentences could become one or two, and would be better off. This paragraph sounded too choppy to me.

“Zayra, you know this is the only way.” A gentle wind blew as he talked. “Do you think, really, that your father would otherwise have left you alive had you not given yourself over to his service? Do you not know how many other siblings of yours he has killed?! You are fortunate, very fortunate, that you live at all. And if a death here, a death there, is all you must pay, better them than you.”

Choose only one. Also, huuuuuge info dump. I know you need to explain the back-story, but was it necesary to do it this way? It just doesn't seem like something cousins would casually bring up and explain to each other when they both know the story.

When I opened my eyes everything was white. The air was cold, and if I hadn’t been the daughter of Aedos I should have frozen to death on the spot. But I did not freeze.

I had no idea the main character was female until this point.

‘Who does she wait for Cousin?’ I asked Boreas, still not turning to him.

You have never capitalised "cousin" before now.

But before my very eyes the forest began to disappear. First the trees and ground faded, and then the birds flying high in the air. And then the sunlight. And then the cat, Bartus. And then finally, my eyes still on her, Kata herself.

Bad use of repetition again.

And I was back in the first forest, under the dark sky and back with my sins.

And I was back in the first forest with my sins, under the dark sky.

Well, overall this chapter was pretty interesting. I find the sudden departure of the spies a tad ludicrous. Even more so when Boreas announced there were spies in the first place. If there were spies spying on your main character to make sure she completed her task, then why would Boreas turn up to make sure the deed was done?

Your plot seems a tad convoluted, but it'd be interesting to see where you're headed with this - I do want to know who Kata is. A lover, friend, sister? Also the back-story to the whole thing will be interesting to learn about

Any queries, requests, comments regarding my review, please don't hesitate to reply directly to this thread.

- Jai

Hello there, Tiger!

Here as requested.

First of all, I wanted to apologize for having been so delayed for this review. I've just been very busy with movie editing and all. So I hope this is worth the wait.

I guess Seemingly has beat me to it. Her critique is informative and she noticed the errors I've seen too.

My general impression is that you have written this very well. Your usage of words are good but I have seen some phrases that are worded awkwardly. I have noticed some repetitions which I find it a bit unnecessary. Although the story plot is interesting, but I got to tell you that you need to slow down. Too much of spoon-feeding to your readers might turn them off, because it would change their perspective of the story, making their attention to decrease.

You should also refrain from starting the story with a dialog, because it seems that your readers are more confused than your characters.

'The way. What is the way?’

The boy looked at me quizzically. I could understand his confusion; my grasp of the Humans’ language was far from perfect. I sighed and repeated myself.

He seemed to understand me this time and said something in his language. Not understanding, I shook my head.

Especially when a character is asking in the first place, it would leave your readers to pause and know really the conflict of the story. And don't also start your introductory paragraph with an adverb. Show the man's 'quizzical' face. And the words "understand/ing" is a bit repetitve, I know there are lots of words you can substitute on that.

When the laughter finished, he pointed to the West.

I find "laughter" awkward here.

‘Who does she wait for Cousin?’

Awkward strikes again. It would've been better if you wrote it like this: "Who is she waiting for Cousin?"
And I'm wondering why your MC has to call his cousin "Cousin" here? It's because he has a name right? And why is it even capitalized?

Good things:

Now this might be your favorite part... well, mine too.

I'm impressed when it comes to your verb consistency, they are all written throughout this piece very well. Your main character's voice... well I find it dark and serious, but it adds something on his personality. Every character has its won significant appearance in the story, because you just don't let them appear here without giving them any importance. And of course, you have a good story concept. I find it original and quite interesting.

Overall, I thank you for the good read. Perhaps just add some spices into the story and don't do a straight-out introduction of the characters. Hope this helps and PM me for any questions.

Keep writing and peace out,
Yuri

Your writing pushes my reviewing skillz to the max. It's simultaneously humbling and thrilling.

But, now that I'm here at long last, let's see what I can come up with for you.

First, before I forget, some punctuation matters:

In dialogue, whenever the character addresses someone, you have to offset the name or form of address with a comma.

Recall the famous example:

"Let's eat Grandma!" versus "Let's eat, Grandma!"

You don't have any errors as potential fatal as those, but a lot of those "Cousins" confused me for a second when I thought they were part of the grammar of the sentence. So, offset those address terms with commas. To save lives and make sure the reader's reading what you've written as you want what you've written to be read.

...sorry, couldn't resist.

One other matter of technicality, also related to dialogue:

Make sure that the speaker of a line of dialogue is the subject of the tagging sentence. Or, in other words, make sure in a sentence like this:

“Boreas?” He looked at me.

Most readers I think will figure it out, but structurally, that arrangement implies that Boreas is asking, "Boreas?" and looking at the narrator, not that the narrator is saying, "Boreas?" and he is looking at her in response.

The "He looked at me" gets its own neat little paragraph.

The same principle extends to other sentences in a tag, if you're being really persnickety about it:

“Cousin, they are gone.” His words had an air of relief to them, and he relaxed. I stared at him in wonder.

“They? Who, Boreas?”

Rewriting that as

“Cousin, they are gone.” His words had an air of relief to them, and he relaxed.

I stared at him in wonder. “They? Who, Boreas?”

with a one-to-one speaker-subjectoftaggingsentence ratio is the best possible form. Generally. (As with all things in writing, rules are more like guidelines and guidelines are meant to be fudged, but not until after you understand the principle behind them. Generally.)

And... I believe that's it for the technical matters. Woot! Now onto the fun stuff.

While I was skimming the other reviews, I saw that someone had mentioned this chapter being a bit of an info-dump. And it was. Lots of information just got foisted off on the reader, and it's a lot to digest--especially at the quick pace you give it off at, and especially because this is no typical fantasy story.

Another issue I had reading this was the pacing between the chapters and the pacing within it. Chapter One took place four years ago?! That's a distance I'd usually see in between a prologue and a first chapter. Also, we go from Kata to Zayra with little warning--again, plus four years.

We're caught up to speed with what Zayra's been doing because she tells us, but she tells us in a sort of rushed matter. She's killing people because she's the daughter of a god who I think is Aedos, and she doesn't want to do it any more...

And right in that very chapter, she's given a solution to her problem of working for her father. And it involves Kata, the character from the previous chapter who we haven't 'seen' in four years. What has she been doing? What happened in the forest?

Hmm... I just went and skim-read the prologue and the first chapter, and so the beginning of this chapter made sense. I remember who that particular character was.

I guess that it's just weird to me that we get one chapter from Kata's point of view, when we jump four years and she's suddenly the impending victim of the unnamed being from the prologue. Is Kata going to be a POV character again? If she's not, I'd suggest having the entire thing be from Zayra's POV. Only, then the reader wouldn't have the same connection with Kata and you'd have to explain all of that.

Maybe we could get some in-between chapters? Or maybe you could make the first chapter the prologue?

This is really nitpicky. Sorry It just doesn't compute with m brainz or something.

As for the pacing inside the chapter being weird... I think I said it before, but she goes from being frustrated with her problem to having a solution right away. Depending on what angle you're taking after this, I'd almost suggest spreading all of these events out across several chapters.

...I mean, if all this happened in the first half of the chapter, what is going to happen in the other half?

Another option, I think, to make the pacing seem less rushed would be to start with her having this conversation with her cousin. Start when the conversation is already in progress, in fact. That way, it doesn't seem like she's going from having no choice to suddenly having any option--an arc that can span dozens and dozens of pages in some plots and gets compacted into one half a chapter here.

Plus, starting from inside the conversation would help alleviate the feeling of us missing out on four years of her killing. Might solve your problem altogether. I think the four-year gap would seem less weird to me then, because it wouldn't be that we were missing four years of her killing people for her father and four years of whatever Kata had been doing. Instead, you'd simply be going to the next relevant scene.

The man she kills in this scene isn't important in any way I can tell other than to convey how corrupt at least her father is. Was there something about this man that made him the final straw? Or was he just like the other kills? Why, exactly, is she tired of serving her father?

My final comment for now, I think, revolves around all these separate first person narrations. Maybe later I'll be able to differentiate Zayra from Kata and Kata from Stalker Dude and Stalker Dude from Zayra, but it was sort of confusing to me. Or would you have the Stalker Dude's portions offset in a published version?

A suggestion for Zayra and Kata, if both have POVs, would be to do the labeling thin at the beginning of a chapter, but part of me thinks that's sort of cheating. Maybe work on really making those voices come out?

I remember my favorite thing about the first chapter being how much I believed Kata was a seer. You nailed that voice so perfectly I was awe-struck.

I get some demigod vibes from Zayra here, but for the most part, the main thing affirming her demi-god status was the conversation. Maybe work on developing her voice some into something distinct? Then we'd be able to pick out Zayra from Kata and the two of them from Stalker Dude without even any hints from the text. We'd be able to tell from the text alone and that'd just be awesome.

All right. I think that's it for now, and I feel bad because, per usual, I don't think I made any sense, and I stuck my fingers in your story and I hate doing that. So, please, please let me know if you have any questions or comments or want elaboration on any thing or anything at all. You know how to reach me.

Rach