Untitled - part 5

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***Sometime I'm hoping to rewrite this, but since I was asked to, I'm posting another one. Maybe I'll get around to writing this one some more too... But I've been busy with my NaNoWriMo (Yay, I win!) and that's going to need a lot of revision too... well, enjoy for now!***

Passing through the town completely covered from head to foot in red seemed less inconspicuous to all the commoners, confusing Calimyr. Few people stopped to stare or gossip about her that way, although she couldn’t figure out why. It would seem that such an imposing color as scarlet would get more people to notice her. However, all her confusion vanished in a flash when they reached the gates.

Calimyr kept her head down, but she knew Rye must’ve done something when one of the guards jokingly said, “You and your lady goin’ out for another ride?”

“Indeed,” Rye said, the smile in his voice obvious to Calimyr.

“Well, ‘ave fun then mate,” replied the soldier.

“’Old on a second… that ain’t her horse,” added another soldier.

“Down with colic. So the lady and I are taking another,” Rye stumbled.

“Ah, I see. Well, I hope your horse gets better than, lady,” said the second man.

And then they were moving again, although Calimyr was thoroughly shocked by the exchange. How did he have a ‘lady’? Who was his lady? She was dying to say something, but every time she’d try, Rye would silence her and tell her to wait. It seemed like forever before he finally said, “You can take your hood off now.”

Calimyr flipped the fabric out of her eyes and let her hair hang around her shoulders. “You have a lady? Are you kidding me?” she exclaimed the instant she could.

“Well, not exactly. The guards like to torment me about going out riding with Avai. So, we’d taken to her always wearing a cloak so as not to draw a crowd. She is the princess after all,” Rye said almost matter-of-factly. Still, his voice held tenderness that Calimyr hadn’t heard any other Raean use.

“So, you’re in love with the princess than. Hold up… please don’t tell me we’re going to rescue a princess? Anything but that! Oh Goddess, we’re going after the Raean princess.” Calimyr’s eyes suddenly hazed over and she stared straight ahead, all the blood draining from her face. A second later she blinked and shook her head, snapping out of her shock.

“You already agreed. And the money in your saddlebags means no turning back,” Rye said firmly.

“I never accepted any money,” Calimyr argued, her fingers flexing on the reins. Why hadn’t she thought of it sooner? Of course she couldn’t be the daughter of a duke or a courtier.

“I think you’ll see that you did. It’s in your saddlebags. Whether you like it or not, you’re on this job now. So the faster we go, the faster you can get back home to mommy.” No sooner had the words left his mouth and he was gripping his jaw hard, pain shooting across his face.

Calimyr sat back in the saddle, her knuckles slightly sore from her punch, but her eyebrows stayed furrowed together in a dangerous, testing way. “Never,” she hissed, “talk to me like that.”

Rye glared at her. “Let’s just hurry and get this over with,” he growled angrily.

This is going to be a long ride, she thought bitterly. “Try to keep up,” she said as she nudged Rhys straight from a walk into a canter. The strings on the cape pulled on her neck, so Calimyr reached up and yanked the cord, letting the fiery red cloak fly back in the wind and settle on the sand behind them. They’d left the White Walls behind them and were now passing into the barren desert between them and the Fyre Forest.

When the sun was finally above the Western Mountains, Calimyr slowed Rhys into a walk. The stallion’s sides heaved and his neck and rump were sweaty from the long run. “Atta boy,” she said, patting his neck.

“Why’d we stop?” Rye asked, pulling his horse up alongside Calimyr and Rhys.

“What’s your horse’s name?” Calimyr asked, virtually ignoring his question.

“Ecliad,” he said uncertainly.

Calimyr nodded thoughtfully. “Get off him,” she ordered, climbing off Rhys’ back.

Rye stayed in the saddle. “Why are we stopping?” he repeated, this time with agitation. The way he saw it, the slower they went, the further away Avai got.

“Look, the horses can’t run all day and night to rescue the princess like in stories. We can run for a little bit, but out here in the desert, it’s essential to take things a little easier. I’m sure our kidnapper knew this, or he’d drive his horse into the ground and be easy prey. So whether or not he does kill his horse, we don’t have to kill ours to catch him. Now, you wanted me to rescue her, so if you want to survive this game, you’ve got to learn to do what I tell you without question. Now get off that horse,” she snapped.

“What makes you think you can order me around?” he asked harshly.

“Look around you!” Calimyr shot. “You wouldn’t know how to survive out here. As far as surviving goes, you hired me to ‘order you around’. Your princess won’t die before we reach her. If the man who kidnapped was going to kill her, he would have done it already.” Her eyes narrowed and she snatched Ecliad’s reins from Rye. In a day or two, she’d have to teach him how to ride for his horse’s sake. Whoever his teacher was obviously had no respect for horses.

“Calimyr, wait,” Rye grumbled, jogging up to her and attempting to take back his horse’s reins. Calimyr just glared at him and refused to let go. “Alright, maybe you’re right. Maybe I don’t really know how to survive out here, and maybe I’m in a little too much of a hurry. But I’m just worried about her. We don’t have any idea what this guy might be after, or what he plans to do to her,” Rye explained.

“If you listen to me, we’ll get there in time. If not, I can guarantee your princess will be dead before you reunite her with her family.”

“You’d kill her?” Rye asked incredulously.

Calimyr didn’t reply at first, but finally said, “I simply won’t go any further.”

“Fine. I’ll try,” he consented, tight-lipped. Calimyr stuck her hand out to Rye, Ecliad’s reins in her fist. “What…?” Rye shook his head to clear the thoughts as he took the black horse’s reins. “Thank you.”

“Just remember to do what I say. Especially in the Fyre Forest. Your life depends on it in there. Not as if your life doesn’t depend on it now, but it’s even more crucial there,” Calimyr said sourly.

“I will. I know when you’re being controlling and when you’re being serious. I can tell the difference once in awhile,” Rye said stiffly.

“I’m not doing anything to control you; I’m just trying to protect you. Because I don’t have a clue about your princess, I need you around at least until we get there,” she replied shortly.

“Can we ride again?” Rye asked.

“In a little bit. They haven’t had a very good chance to cool down,” Calimyr replied. To Rye’s surprise, it seemed like a bit of the harshness had left her voice. Now she seemed just like an almost ordinary girl. But he had a feeling it wouldn’t last long.

They had just stopped jogging the horses again when Calimyr declared they’d stop for the night. She made him walk next to the horses with her until they reached a larger grove of trees with smoke rising from the exact middle.

“Hoggle’s already started a fire. We should hurry,” she said.

Hoggle? Rye wondered as he followed Calimyr into the grove. It was the first one he’d seen in hours, although he hadn’t really expected much different in a desert. And he soon realized the odd things in his journey with Calimyr were only barely beginning. Perhaps if he’d known of the trouble to come, he’d have changed his mind. Calimyr led Rye deeper into the miniature forest through a relatively well-worn path. “A typical route of yours?” he muttered.

“More like a dear trail,” she scoffed. “As if I’d ever want to be this close to your wretched capitol.”

Rye frowned. “What are you talking about? You may not like it, but it’s hardly wretched.”

“Of course not. Because hanging someone on the castle wall without even leaving him a shred of dignity left isn’t wretched. He did nothing wrong, not really,” Calimyr spat.

“What on earth are you talking about?” Rye asked, stopping suddenly.

Calimyr paused, turning on him. “That man, obviously a hired assassin on some Earl. But anyone who cared could tell that he was just a commoner. He probably only wanted to save his family from a stingy landlord who was afraid to get his own hands bloodied,” she said, her tone nearing a snarl.

“I heard about the man, but I didn’t know he was hung. The king never passed such an order,” Rye said. His eyebrows nit together in confusion.

“Then who’s responsible for his death?” she snapped.

“I haven’t the slightest idea. But I know the king would never do such a thing to even an assassin. Our king’s a good man, he’d never do anything like that,” Rye protested.

Calimyr frowned. Shaking her head, she stated, “I’ve no loyalty to your land, or her king. Whether or not he or someone else in the courts ordered it, it doesn’t change the fact that the deed has been done.”
I gave up telling people I hear voices. So now I talk to the voices instead.




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Addy! Thanks for posting :D

“Ah, I see. Well, I hope your horse gets better than, lady,” said the second man
It should be 'then'. Than is used more in a comparaison. "She is better than you."

“So, you’re in love with the princess than. Hold up… please don’t tell me we’re going to rescue a princess?
comma after princess, then.

So the faster we go, the faster you can get back home to mommy.” No sooner had the words left his mouth and he was gripping his jaw hard, pain shooting across his face
when you use a word as a name, "going to see mommy, ask mama," and so forth, the M should be capitalised.

Addy! This was brilliant! I understand you're busy and all, but you should seriously post more often. I really enjoy your writing and the overall flow of your story. It would be nice, though, if you could do a little recap in spoiler when you wait this long between chapters. I have a good memory and I follow well, but not everyone does and it's easier to remember.

Besides those two little nitpicks, I found nothing worth mentioning. Have you Pmed Emma about this chapter? You should; she'd love to continue it, I'm sure.

CanT' wait to read the next part, thanks for posting!

Tanya :D




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Hello there. I will be reviewing you this lovely Review Day. :D That said, I haven't read the previous chapters, so if I bring up a point that was addressed in a previous chapter, feel free to disregard that point.

Before I start, might I suggest you include a chapter summary in future chapters? It will make it easier for walk-in reviewers (like myself) to give you helpful reviews since we'll have a general idea of what's going on in the story, and who's who. Here is an article with tips on how to write chapter summaries.

There were two things that jumped out at me. The first is the horses. The second is the jumping around in character point of views. The first point I noticed in a good way. Most writers treat horses like cars or Energizer bunnies that can keep on going and going without need for rest, but I can see that you have at least some knowledge of horses. The only thing is, there is no mention of them stopping to water the horses. Horses need quite a lot of water, especially after cantering or traveling for any period of time, so there should be mention of a break where the horses were given some water somewhere.

The second I noticed because it was confusing. Which character is this chapter mainly from the viewpoint of? Calimyr or Rye? You jump between the two without any clear reason, often jerking back and forth between them from sentence to sentence, especially near the middle. Try to be a bit more consistent with your viewpoint, and if you must switch, transition between them and don't jump around.

One last thing: a lot of the names have "y" in them. Why? In particular, the "y" in Fyre Forest seems particularly superfluous; Fyre looks too much like Fire which leads me to wonder why you didn't just use "Fire". I'll grant that the "y"s do give the names a sense of consistency, but it think you may have gone a touch overboard in the names-containing-y department.
Secretly a Kyllorac, sometimes a Murtle.
There are no chickens in Hyrule.
Princessence: A LMS Project
WRFF | KotGR



Edna began to feel like one who awakens gradually out of a dream, a delicious, grotesque, impossible dream, to feel again the realities pressing into her soul.
— Kate Chopin, The Awakening