Let's Say

Let's say there's a girl. You know what I'm talking about: bright eyes, soft lips, the works - don't deny it. Everyone has that girl, the one that makes their head spin and sends their palms sweating and their hearts beating, and who wouldn't notice her, she's perfect after all, isn't she?

So let's say there's this girl. Let's say, just for argument's sake, that you like her. That she can make you feel on top of the world, king of everything, standing at the peek of the tallest mountain, barely paying attention to those small, ant-like figures down there, the people who used to matter. Yeah, remember them? They used to make your day just because of an idiotic joke or a random act of kindness such as paying for that cookie you really wanted for lunch but did not have the money to get. But the air is so fresh, at the top of your mountain, and the colors are so pretty, and you just feel... you just feel... feel what, exactly, if I might ask?

There are those days, too, those days where she doesn't pay any special attention to you; when her bright eyes glide over, as if you're not even there, as if you're wallpaper. At those days, you're down so low the floor is taller than you, aren't you? You slump your shoulder, crazy scenerios running through your head as you try to understand where you went wrong. You can't think properly anymore, all because of her, she's messing with your mind; she's always there, inside your head, whispering, laughing, smiling... but you like it, don't you? You actually like that she's that deep in your heart, it's almost a comfort, even if it hurts like this, hurts so bad that it throbs and the pain never lets up, not really, not deep down, but hey, they say love's supposed to hurt, so bring it on, full force, it can come at you, you just care about her that much - so much that you're willing to go insane.

If I ask what you like about her, would you be able to tell me? She has smoothe skin, I know you like that, with no make-up at all, not like those other girls, those that giggle during break time in a loud manner, talking about what they did with their dates and how this guy was that and that guy was this, laughing and saying that they're so slutty, but not like her, she's sluttier, she's the lowest, no, we're better - no, she doesn't even wear make-up, she just comes as herself. I bet you like her hair, wavy waist-lengthed locks, falling into her eyes as she walks sometimes. Her eyes. I shouldn't even go there, should I? You adore everything about them, there's no way of describing it. You stare at her eyes like a complete moron, mouth hanging open, did you know that? Watch out so you don't drool.

So let's say there's this girl. Let's say that you like her. Let's say that she was never yours. The pain is getting worst, you feel it too, heavy, like a stone on your heart, making it pound slower, making it over-exert itself, trying to beat against the rock's hard surface, but there's just no use, and you know it too. She doesn't love you. The mere idea can make someone laugh. I think it was during lunch that you heard for the first time, wasn't it? You were with your friends, yeah, the ant-like people, don't worry, it'll come back to you, when someone whispered, oh, I didn't know those two were going out, and you saw them too, holding hands, shoving food into each other's mouths like happy little kids. And she was blushing. It was beautiful, of course, breath taking - and her eyes, I shouldn't even get started, but they were so soft, almost melting with warmth. It's been some time since, but people still whisper. You hear the whispers, too, you just choose to ignore. You keep telling yourself you have a shot, you do, it's not over, no, it can't be, you'll make it, you'll find a way... you love her, right? How come love hurts this much?

You found her that day, crying. Because of him, you think, but you're not too sure. She wiped her tears when she saw you, embarassed, obviously, that you'd caught her. Before you left, she tugged on your sleeve with gentle long fingers, like a little kid again, you thought, and her cheeks were blushing again, but not the good kind of blush, the wrong kind, the kind you get from crying, and she said in the smallest, most broken voice you'd ever heard, don't tell him, okay? You wanted to hold her in her arms, your body was aching for it, she needed shielding, she was hurt, that bastard hurt her, but how could he, how could he do that to this girl, she's that girl, she's perfect, anyone can see that, right? You restrained yourself, nodded shortly, met her eyes. Mistake. Her eyes were what made you decide, right?

I have just one more question. What did it feel like to kiss her? Was it everything you dreamed of? Better? More importantly, did it hurt when she cringe? I bet it hurt more than when she slapped you, her eyes, her amazing eyes, opened wide in terror and astonishment and... yes, there was hate there, too, you know her eyes so well, how could you ever missread them? I bet it hurt more than when that odius guy tracked you down, slammed punches into your body, more than when blood silently poured out of you, almost gleefully, whispering, see what you get, you get hurt, you're hurt, there's no one to fix you... Yes, I should think that when she cringed away from you, something inside you vanished, disappeared, was gone.

You're back with your friends now, you seem to remember who they are more clearly nowadays: they actually like you, so take good care of them, okay? She, the girl you like, or liked, you're not so sure anymore, never speaks to you, sometimes you still think she's scared. She's still with that horrible guy, but you can't do anything about that, you stopped even trying, no point. She's not in your head anymore, it's gotten awfully quiet, hey, chear up, that's a good thing, remember? It might mean she's out of your heart, too. At least there's no more hurting. No more pain in your chest, no more rock on your heart... no more mountain, no more slumping. Feels kind of empty, all of a sudden.

You'll get over her one day, you'll be able to fully enjoy the smell of roses again, you'll appreciate the cookie your friends will get you at lunch, merely shrugging when you talk about paying them back; you'll even see colors, not just see them, but really feel them - they'll seep through your vision and into your heart, and it'll make you happy. You'll get over her, you know, you will, but sometimes it's kind of hard to see the light, isn't it? Like right now, you're crying, but you can also smile a bit.

So humor me.

Let's say there's a girl. Let's say you like her. Let's say... let's say that she was never yours.

Hey, that was really good! I liked how it was bitter-sweet and not really sappy like alot of other romance stuff. It was very well written, and I appreciate that. I can't stand it when something is written poorly. Although, you did reapete yourself alot. But other than that, I thought it was very good!

good story

Hmmm. This was a very good story, though told threw questions.
This story relates to many people including myself.
For myself minus the violence, but the hurt.
Yes the hurt.
Though this is not about me.
The story can be used as advice for younger people.

This story is written differently than what most writters like to make it. But when I say, "different", I mean different in a good way. I liked it. You written a story in second person, but created it in first person. I really enjoyed how you asked the questions for your character only to answer them yourself. Overall, I would say you put just the right amout of detail and highschool reality without making it over the top. Agreeing with CardDragon, it's a story many can relate to, but with a twist in the violence and dramma. Keep of the good work and please ignore the spelling (I couldn't find spell-check :p).
Aly-son

Unique writing style, I like it! Admittedly, your characters are the kind of people I get annoyed with in real life
2 errors I found that haven't been pointed out yet:
"More importantly, did it hurt when she cringe?" - It should be 'cringed' (past tense)
"how could you ever missread them? I bet it hurt more than when that odius guy tracked you down," - It should be 'misread' and 'odious'.

Have a good day,
Meep(:

This peice was very good. It made me almost think about that really popular girl in school that leads the geek on and he falls in love with her and finds out shes a really horrible person and her looks fooled him. I think you did good with you description and detail and you wrote it uniquely it was very nice how many questions were involved. Who was this about ? Where and who did your inspiration for this peice come from? You did have a couple of spelling errors but thats no big deal (:. Good writing, keep it up(:

That was awesome! You really drew me in tot he story. I could Imagine everything clearly in my mind. I noticed a few little mistakes, though. I won't mention them because someone else already did. I also like how it was about a guy crushing on a girl. Normally romances are about girls crushing on guys. This was a pleasant change:) Keep up the good work!

Hey it's kaka here... Gr8 story well written and thoroughly enjoyed.
I love your choice of words and your plot was excellent.
Great piece well done
Kaka x

Let's say there's a girl (I love the short syntax...really catches the reader's attention).You know what (I would change it to "the kind")/color] I'm talking about: bright eyes, soft lips, the works - don't deny it. Everyone has that girl, the one that makes their head spin and sends their palms sweating and their hearts beating, and who wouldn't notice her, she's perfect after all, isn't she?

[color=#400080]So let's say there's this girl. Let's say, just for argument's sake, that you like her. I like the sentences but the "that she can..." is not a start of a sentence.That she can make you feel on top of the world, king of everything, standing at the peek of the tallest mountain, barely paying attention to those small, ant-like figures down there, the people who used to matter. Yeah, remember them? They used to make your day just because of an idiotic joke or a random act of kindness such as paying for that cookie you really wanted for lunch but did not have the money to get. But the air is so fresh, at the top of your mountain, and the colors are so pretty, and you just feel... you just feel... feel what, exactly, if I might ask?

There are those days, too, those days where she doesn't pay any special attention to you; when her bright eyes glide over (past you?), as if you're not even there, as if you're wallpaper. At those days, you're down so low the floor is taller than you, aren't you? You slump your shoulder, crazy scenerios running through your head as you try to understand where you went wrong. You can't think properly anymore, all because of her, she's messing with your mind; she's always there, inside your head, whispering, laughing, smiling... but you like it, don't you? You actually like that she's that deep in your heart, it's almost a comfort, even if it hurts like this, hurts so bad that it throbs and the pain never lets up, not really, not deep down, but hey, they say love's supposed to hurt, so bring it on, full force, it can come at you, you just care about her that much - so much that you're willing to go insane.

If I ask what you like about her, would you be able to tell me? She has smoothe (drop the e in smooth) skin, I know you like that, with no make-up at all, not like those other girls, those that giggle during break time in a loud manner, talking about what they did with their dates and how this guy was that and that guy was this, laughing and saying that they're so slutty, but not like her (here are you talking about the girl he likes or just some random girl. If it was a random girl, I would say "laughing and saying that they're so slutty, but not like so and so," , she's sluttier, she's the lowest, no, we're better - no, she doesn't even wear make-up, she just comes as herself. I bet you like her hair, wavy waist-lengthed (length only) locks, falling into her eyes as she walks sometimes I would say "sometimes falling into her eyes as she walks. Her eyes. I shouldn't even go there, should I? You adore everything about them, there's no way of describing it. You stare at her eyes like a complete moron, mouth hanging open, did you know that? Watch out so I would say "be careful you don't drool" instead of "watch out so" you don't drool.

So let's say there's this girl. Let's say that you like her. Let's say that she was never yours. The pain is getting worst (e instead of t), you feel it too, heavy, like a stone on your heart, making it pound slower, making it over-exert itself, trying to beat against the rock's hard surface, but there's just no use (I would say "it's just no use or there's just no point) , and you know it too. She doesn't love you. The mere idea can (could) make someone laugh. I think it was during lunch that you heard for the first time, wasn't it? You were with your friends, yeah, the ant-like people, don't worry, it'll (I would say "it'll all come..." because if not I'm not exactly sure what's coming back to him) come back to you, when someone whispered, oh, I didn't know those two were going out, and you saw them too, holding hands,shoving food into each other's mouths like happy little kids (go to bottom). And she was blushing. It was beautiful, of course, breath taking - and her eyes, I shouldn't even get started, but they were so soft, almost melting with warmth. This jump is somewhat confusing. I would start a new paragraph or I would say "it's been some time since they started to date"It's been some time since, but people still whisper. You hear the whispers, too, butyou just choose to ignorethem. (although I like leaving out words in some parts, too much can become confusing to the reader. You keep telling yourself you have a shot, you do, it's not over, no, it can't be, you'll make it, you'll find a way... you love her, right? How come love hurts this much?

You found her that day, crying. Because of him, you think, but you're not too sure. She wiped her tears when she saw you, embarassed, obviously, that you'd caught her. Before you left, she tugged on your sleeve with gentle long fingers, like a little kid again, you thought, (the entire story is about what the boy thought so it might not be necessary to include this) and her cheeks were blushing again, but not the good kind of blush, the wrong kind, the kind you get from crying, and she said in the smallest, most broken voice you'd ever heard,(Put what she says in quotes because it can get confusing) "don't tell him, okay?" You wanted to hold her in her arms, your body was aching for it, (just a suggestion here, but you could add the "need" to be with her by adding in something about the rock here like: "your body was aching for it, the rock squeezed your heart harder than ever")she needed shielding, she was hurt, that bastard hurt her, but how could he, how could he do that to this girl, she's that girl (this does not seem necessary to me because you specified her as "this girl" in the sentence before. I do like that you single her out as special like at the top. It reinforces the person's feelings about her, she's perfect, anyone can see that, right? You restrained yourselfI would add a "though" because as I was reading this, I was sure he was going to try to make his move there., nodded shortly, met her eyes. Mistake. Her eyes were what made you decide, right?

I have just one more question. What did it feel like to kiss her? Was it everything you dreamed of? Better? More importantly, did it hurt when she cringed? I I do not want to sound too presumptious but the character seems to be more worried about feelings than physical pain based on what is said throughout the story and when I read that it hurts more physically I felt like there is a contradiction here. Also they way you return to "cringe" at the end it seems like the emotional pain is worsebet it hurt more than when she slapped you, her eyes, her amazing eyes, opened wide in terror and astonishment and... yes, there was hate there, too, you know her eyes so well, how could you ever missreadmisread them? I bet it hurt more than when that odiuscolor=#FF0000]Odious[/color] guy tracked you down, slammed punches into your body, more than when blood silently poured out of you, almost gleefully, whispering, see what you get, you get hurt, you're hurt, there's no one to fix you... Yes, I should think that when she cringed away from you, something inside you vanished, disappeared, was gone. (you skip back from the punches to the cringe fairly quickly. I would reintroduce the cringing by saying something like "Yes, when she cringed it hurt the most or just back to "Yes, when she cringed it hurt. Something inside of you vanished, disappeared, was gone.

You're back with your friends now, you seem to remember who they are more clearly nowadays: they actually like you, so take good care of them, okay? She, the girl you like, or liked, you're not so sure anymore, never speaks to you, sometimes you still think she's scared. She's still with that horrible guy, but you can't do anything about that, you stopped even trying, no point. She's not in your head anymore, it's gotten awfully quiet, hey, chear up, (I would start a new sentence at "hey" and it should be cheer) that's a good thing, remember? It might mean she's out of your heart, too. At least there's no more hurting. No more pain in your chest, no more rock on your heart... no more mountain, no more slumpingSlumping? are you talking about when he felt like he was lower than the floor?. Feels kind of empty, all of aI would say "all of the sudden" sudden.

You'll get over her one day, you'll be able to fully enjoy the smell of roses again (you didn't talk abou roses earlier in the story so I don't think it should be added with the parallels from the top. I like the parallels to the cookie and the colors, and if you want a third, I would say something about how he's no stable ground, not on the cloudy confusing mountain, or under the desperate, cold floor., you'll appreciate the cookie your friends will get you at lunch, merely shrugging when you talk about paying them back; you'll even see colors, not just see them, but really feel them - they'll seep through your vision and into your heart, and it'll make you happy. You'll get over her, you know, you will, but sometimes it's kind of hard to see the light, isn't it? Like right now, you're crying, but you can also smile a bit. This works so well. I love that, even though he is sad, there is still something good. She was never his, and at least now he was free.

So humor me. The syntax works so well here. The short sentence and paragraph is very useful to the reader.

Let's say there's a girl. Let's say you like her. Let's say... let's say that she was never yours. I love the syntax and the parallelism. It makes the the story have a clear cut ending.

Key:
Great!
Just a little Change
Not Great

I like the repetition to a point. For some things it really emphasizes a point; however, by the end there seems to be a little too much, so that it does not do its job. It is the same with the short sentences. They are all bunched together and do not emphasize what they should that way. Here's some advice that my acting teacher told me. I think it can also apply to writing:

She said: Actors need to know when to use their pauses (repetitions...short sentences). They need to earn them. Throughout the monologue (short story...narrative) they have to use pauses sparingly so when they get to a very dramatic point, they have not made the audience bored with too many pauses. It becomes choppy. The pauses are good at very dramatic points, but just using them throughout the monologue makes it choppy and confusing to the audience. This can also apply to the story.

In one paragraph I highlighted the "you's" to point them out. You use them a lot throughout the story. I like the 2nd person, but it becomes too much after a point. I'm not exactly sure if that is so bad, but I noticed it and thought I would point it out. Also, each paragraph seemed to have a separate sentence structure (one had long sentences while another had short sentences). A little more variations inside paragraphs would be nice.

shoving food into each other's mouths like happy little kids- The word "shoving" is a little forceful here. I like the comparison to little kids. It shows her innocence and it is great imagery. Insteas of saying shoving, I would use a more playful word to enforce the mood

In my English class if we started analyzing this story, we would look for five things (well, actually four and what they equal)" diction, imagery, details, syntax, and, the total, tone. In this story I would have started with syntax because so many syntactical devices were used like: asyndaton (the repetition of the lack of conjunctions like "and"), rhetorical questions, short sentences, and anaphora (the repetition of the beginnings of sentences.) Then, I would have looked at imagery like the colors and the mountain and the rock. I would have tracked them through...and this is where I would reach a sort of stopping point. There are lots of things similar to motifs but they are only twice or three times during the story. I would mention colors more throughout the story like when talking about the blush, and how he felt when the boyfriend wa punching him. Then I would go to details, which the story was full of. Finally, I would look at diction. This is where words like "shoving" and maybe adding in some more stronger verbs would be good.

I loved this story! It is very genuine. It also has fantastic imagery, something that is very hard to master. I also love the "mountains and ants" comparisons. If I taught an English class, I would surely use this story as an example for my students because of the individual style in which this story was written.

This story was amazing. Even though it was about a guy liking a girl, i could relate to the emotion, and of course, the eyes. I know whats like. Minus the violence of course. Wanting something you can't have and probably never will have is hard. This story hit home. I loved it. <3