The Battle For Happiness (Edited)

The Battle For Happiness
By Lord SvaTantra

It's a claustrophobic Night with a suffocated Air.
The wind howls outside in agony and pain
as the silver arrows of the Moon slit through it's throat.
It's colorless blood rains down upon the barren Earth,
awakening the monsters of my fear and insecurity.
Equipped with swords and shields of bones
they march towards me, chanting a spell of terror.

The bed on which I lay is like a prison;
A cage of torture and insanity.
It's cold and I am alone here, except for those monsters
who haunt me with visions of grief and agony.
I close my eyes to make them go away,
but their screams still reverberate in my head.

My kaa wanders in the mines of eternity,
looking for the ore of solace and courage.
It finds the valor which it seeks in my touch,
in my love and affection for my soul.

The sparks of my orgasm light a fire in the altar of joy,
at the ruins of my temple of happiness.
It's glimmer reveals the armor and the sword,
with which I combat those beasts of horror.
There are many wounds and numerous falls,
but I pick myself up again and fight
until they are buried in their graves once more.

The dark veil on the sky above
is soon burnt away by a radiant Sun.
The puddles from the rain before
disappear into vapors of illusion.

They wait for Night to descend again
and the thunder of the clouds to roar.
And when that time will finally arrive,
those vapors will turn into the elixir of life,
Pulling the dead out of their graves.

And once more i will put on my armor
and take my sword out of it's sheath.
The clashes of blades will echo in the rain
as I battle for that happy dream.
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This is another one of those raw, nonrhythmic, non-rhyming poems that I am currently writing. This poem has a grotesque feel to it and it's about how I struggle with my insecurities everyday and how my love for myself forces me to fight on no matter what.

Wow, isn’t enough to say what I felt when reading your poem. I loved it, there is no doubt. It also touched me because I personally fight for my happiness daily. And it also inspired me.

You are an amazing poet. Please continue on with it and don’t ever stop writing.

I absolutely loved the words you have chosen and how you chose to put them down. The description you used made me become apart of the poem, as any work should do. It really captivated me and drew me in.

You are, there is no question about it, genius. Continue to write and never cease to and never put down the pen!

This was really dramatic, which normally I don't like because it feels too over-the-top, but this was still really good. You play the words well and string them together to give them a raw rhythm that's great, and beyond that it's about something so many people can relate to. My only advice for the future is to make sure that it never gets too dramatic or it starts to sound angsty. But you avoided that in this piece, so nice job.
Keep writing,
StoryWeaver

Here I am as requested, LastPaladin. I shall say right off the bat, this piece doesn't seem so bad. It seems to have some great enveloping imagery, some great lines and a promising theme, which you though unoriginal you seem to catch in your own way. But what you need to ask is do you capture it well enough, does it stand up to major scrutiny. I shall do this by the stanzas to fully breakdown my opinion. One warning this is a second rewrite as I lost my first one.

And we begin with a terrific start, that really conveys the message across, setting the scene, setting the theme and capturing what you truly want. It's obvious you've tried and it shows in this stanza. This stanza succeeds in a fine beginning and really capturing what you desire. The problem is this, the word choice further through this stanza turns into weakened form, you began with such a strong line, it's rather tragic how you drop it for unoriginal wording and boring imagery. That isn't to say this is bad start there some great lines, but it's sorely diminished by bad word choice.

On to the second stanza, right off, I am irritated by a minor thing, well it begins that way the repetition of prisoner after prison, detracts majorly from the flow, it's so apparent it does this. It just annoys me how you couldn't find another word to use, the flow is murdered and the subtly is gone. I understand fully your trying to convey how your insecurities are monsters, but way it's written come across as less how you wish and more like many songs expressing same things, with boring lines and tiresome imagery.

The third stanza is not subtle enough, I feel when talking about something like this you should not be so blatant as it really seems like a poor attempt to insert masturbation into a poem. And the lines here don't do much to help you. They come across as same old and a try at trying to make the said poem have a rawness about it. What it comes down to is it appears by all counts a try to make the poem seem edgy and rough.

I have to say though forth stanza isn't my favourite it's well written and much more subtle than line before. And the connotation of knights, I especially love. You show us the scene very well and capture the true feeling of overcoming ones own insecurities, turning it into a fantastical battle the likes Toilken would blush at is a great move. Not much else to say about this one.

It doesn't seem final enough, the last stanza should have a sense of finality but seems like more should follow, you say it will happen again, but even if it will you should certain address the ending of said poem. It makes sense no. You should keep on with the Knight metaphor and use it to close the poem in such a way the person feels as relieved as you.

Overall: It has many ups and down this piece on one hand you overuse certain clichés and have a poor word choice, on the other you certainly manage to show what you live through every night. It's hard to say if I like this, due to some factors I'd have to say I like it, but too many stanza come across as generic or boring, whereas others seem to try, but never quite reach that zenith. Just understand you've got great imagery you should just keep it up, and never drop word choice, you should try have some creativity in the choice of said words, try avoid the ones you hear a lot, and capture it all by using some real stunning imagery.

Hope this helps.

Hey there spike,

First thing I notice on reading this poem: the its/it's confusion. "It's" is a contraction of "it is" or "it has", while "its" is a possessive, like "his". Watch out for it; in a lot of place you've used "it's" where it should have been "its", and it's pretty distracting to read.

You've certainly got a nice start with the imagery. The thing is, it sometimes reads like you're trying to put too much in it and just end up tripping over yourself. First example:

they march towards me humming a song of sorrow.

The way I'm reading this, I assume they should sound threatening/dreadful. Thing is, 'humming' and 'sorrow' mixed together are 1. a strange contrast of happy and sad and 2. not exactly something to shirk from.

As LP said, watch out for repetition (the prison/prisoner is indeed glaring). The second and third stanzas really sounds clumsy; too much showing vs telling, in that you only really state what is happening without letting the reader empathize with anything.

The sweat of my body are the tears of my heart,
tears of delight and of repressed pain.

See here? Repetition again. It also sounds a tad over-the-top, and I can't really take it seriously. You might want to consider tweaking it a bit. Nitpick for the lines above: it should be "myself", not "my self". Not a big thing, but also distracting when reading.

Similar as the "humming" issue above, there's "those beasts of fear", which contradicts what you say elsewhere. One moment they're all about "grief and lovelessness", and the "sorrow" works as well, and then suddenly we've got fear, and that kind of comes out of nowhere. I'd suggest either emphasizing that aspect of them, or just removing it entirely.

Finally, your final stanza falls a bit flat. You're trying to give that whole epic feel, but then you end on a note of 'oh well we'll continue this later'. I think you could make it a lot more gripping, more involving than just this.

You've got a nice base to work from, but there's still a lot to polish still. Hope this helped.

Hey there, Flow here as requested. Sorry it took so long.

So it seems that you already have some pretty nice reviews, I am going to admit now though that I did not read them. So if I repeat anything then forgive me.

It's a claustrophobic Night with a suffocated Air. Why is night capitalized?
The wind howls outside in agony and pain
as the silver arrows of the Moon slit through it's throat. I like this line.
It's colorless blood rains down upon the barren Earth,
awakening the monsters of my fear and insecurity.
They emerge from their graves covered in blood and dirt. This kind of throws away what you said about colorless blood. Since you said that you can't be covered in it can you? You wouldn't see it.
Equipped with swords and shields of bones
they march towards me humming a song of sorrow.

So the first thing I noticed in this stanza is the amount of description you have here. To me description is good in a poem, but to much kills it. Here you have just a bit to much in my opinion.

The bed on which I lay is like a prison; I'm not sure if you should say lay right here. Lie would sound better. (Is that how you spell it, lie?)
Caged in it, I am it's prisoner. This seems a bit un-needed. You already said you were a prisoner of it before.
It's cold and I am alone here, except for those monsters
who haunt me with visions of grief and lovelessness. I dont like the word lovelessness here, but that is just an opinion.
I close my eyes to make them go away,
but their screams still echo inside my head.

I touch my self, I make love to my soul, This is really random, and a bit strange if you ask me. I didnt catch it the first time reading this, but it just seems random to me.
a wave of pleasure runs through my core.
The sweat of my body are the tears of my heart,
tears of delight and of repressed pain.

If you are indeed making love to yourself it doesn't really hurt the same does it. I mean I'm not one to be doing it, but I wouldn't think it would be the same. Perhaps I am just crazy.

My orgasm lights a fire in the altar of joy,
at the ruins of my temple of happiness.
In it's sacred grounds I find my armor and my sword,
with which I combat those beasts of fear.
There are many wounds and numerous falls,
but I pick myself up again and fight
until they are buried in their graves once more. Ok, you go from orgasms to fighting off ghouls. This is a bit confusing my dear. I would clairify more in this. Maybe it's just me.

Exhausted and fatigued, I sleep with my shield,
waiting for the next day and the following night
when those demons from the Earth will rise again
and my battle for happiness will continue.

So you are battling to screw yourself? I do believe that is it. Even with reading what's written below I don't quite understand. You don't really tell us what the monsters are. Also monsters are used in everything. Another creative word could be used to replace that.

I didn indeed like this, but I didn't fully understand it.

Keep Writing

-Flow-
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This was a good start to a poem, but I definitely think it could use some improvement.

For starters, there is no reason for night and air to be capitalized. Its a weak attempt at sounding poetic. Your words are strong enough to stand on their own without any little gimmicks. Also "prison" and "prisoner" in the second stanza are too repetitive. If the bed is a prison, then obviously the narrator is the prisoner. It doesn't need to be explicitly stated.

The words here need to be pared down. Your message doesn't need to be wrapped up in so many pretty bows. Choose your favorite pieces and save those. Then, cut.

I, unlike others, do like the third and fourth stanzas. I see it as throwing off the expectations of society, although I don't know if that's what you meant.

Hello, Rain here.

It's a claustrophobic Night with a suffocated Air. << These need to be lower case.
The wind howls outside in agony and pain << I think it would sound better and flow better if you switch these to words. It sounds a little awkward as it is.
as the silver arrows of the Moon slit through it's throat.
It's colorless blood rains down upon the barren Earth,
awakening the monsters of my fear and insecurity.
Equipped with swords and shields of bones
they march towards me, chanting a spell of terror.

This is a prety good beginning, I like the discripsions, and I like that you used somewhat uncommon discripsions, but be careful about the amount of descripsions, to much can be a bad thing. I do think though that you need to explain what it is that you are afraid of. Here, and through out your poem, you only say that you have these fears and that you have insecurities, but you don't explain at all about the roots to this fear and insecurity.

The second stanza is good, can't find anything to point out. Other then what already has.

My kaa wanders in the mines of eternity, << What is this???
looking for the ore of solace and courage.
It finds the valor which it seeks in my touch,
in my of love and affection for my soul. << This word doesn't sound like it should be here...

The sparks of my orgasm light a fire in the altar of joy, Ok, well, "orgasm" is the sexual peek, you say nothing about this being sexual up until this point... Then I got thinking and the trem you used in the first stanza "insecruity" made me think this was a kind of sex poem, but nothing else fits... I would change this word...

I don't really know exactly how I feel about this poem... I don't really like it, but I think with work it can be really good.

Hey Spike, here as requested.

There are already a lot of reviews here, so I don't know how much I'll be able to add.

First off, I'd like to say that, like the others, there were parts of this poem that I really liked and still others that weren't so great. There's still a mixture of cliches and some fresh stuff. The emotion is clearly portrayed, but some of it seems just a bit melodramatic.

Spike71294 wrote:And once more i will put on my armor
and take my sword out of it's sheath.
The clashes of blades will echo in the rain
as I battle for that happy dream.

One thing that just caught my attention there was that the 'i' wasn't capitalized.
But anyways, back on subject here.

I'm not quite sure what I can add to the above reviews, since there are so many already. I'll just say that I agree with the others. It's looking a bit better now, but there are still a few cliches that bugged me a bit... but there was also quite a bit of the poem that I really enjoyed.

The last stanza for example. It was definitely my favourite. It got the meaning across well enough, and I just liked the way it was written. It made me tilt my head (which I do often when I like something or am deep in thought), so that's a good sign. xD

Just follow the advice of the above reviewers and this poem could end up being a really awesome poem.