Obsession

He had driven for quite a long time and he knew that if he kept going on a straight line he would end up in the ocean. He had no real destination because he had no specific victim. The road trip was supposed to be mind-clearing, blood-refrigerating. He had to do this entirely calm, empty of emotions in order to let the rush of the moment invade his whole body. But some unconscious part of his mind had overruled his will and so he had driven for nearly three hours with top loud music thinking of superficial moments and dreams of his life, never narrowing to the bomb he was about to detonate and that would blow up everything he has ever built (or destroyed) in his soul. Liam stopped on the side way of an empty unknown road and lit a cigarette. The white clouds floating in his car reminded him of the first time he experienced the emotion he was tracking. He was 17 or 18 and waiting for the bus that was supposed to drive him to the mountains and not supposed to forget him. As he was trying to drown his anger in the blue of the Olympic sky, he saw what he guessed as an helicopter falling nose forwards to the ground. Some hills were standing between him and the sight of the crash but he saw the consequence : blue sky and a big black smoke. He realized what just happened, he had witnessed death. He remembered the vehicle dropping from the sky and tried to imagine the pilots' behavior during these 5 seconds. They knew they were attracted by gravity to a certain death. Were they going crazy trying hopeless survival acts or committing wisely to their destiny? This question fascinated him. And he promised himself he would one day be a first class, front row witness to the answer. This reminiscence gave him the strength and wisdom he needed to continue his quest as he started the engine and pulled back on the anonymous road.

Nice start, but just s few things.
First off, let's add a few spaces-

molenight wrote:He had driven for quite a long time and he knew that if he kept going on a straight line he would end up in the ocean. He had no real destination because he had no specific victim.

The road trip was supposed to be mind-clearing, ...(or destroyed) in his soul.

Liam stopped ... black smoke.

He realized what just happened... anonymous road.

Now we can focus more ( and better understand) this passage.

Now, let's underline/highlight/bold the first word of all your sentences.

molenight wrote:He had driven for quite a long time and he knew that if he kept going on a straight line he would end up in the ocean. He had no real destination because he had no specific victim.

The road trip was supposed to be mind-clearing, blood-refrigerating. This job had to be done calmly, empty of emotions in order to let the rush of the moment invade his whole body. But some unconscious part of his mind overruled his will causing him to drive for nearly three hours with top loud music ( try booming, or something that flows better, diction wise.)thinking of superficial moments and dreams of his life, never narrowing to the bomb he was about to detonate and that would blow up everything he had ever built (or destroyed) in his soul.

Liam stopped on the side way of an empty unknown road and lit a cigarette. The white clouds floating in his car reminded him of the first time he experienced the emotion he was tracking. He was 17 or 18 and waiting for the bus that was supposed to drive him to the mountains and not supposed to forget him.* As he was trying to drown his anger in the blue of the Olympic sky, he saw what he guessed was a helicopter falling nose forwards to the ground. Only hills were standing between him and the sight of the crash but he saw the consequence : blue sky and a big black smoke.

He realized what just happened, he had witnessed death. He remembered the vehicle dropping from the sky and tried to imagine the pilots' behavior during these 5 seconds. They knew they were attracted by gravity to a certain death. Were they going crazy trying hopeless survival acts or committing wisely to their destiny? This question fascinated him. Liam he promised himself he would one day be a first class, front row witness to the answer. This reminiscence gave him the strength and wisdom he needed to continue his quest as he started the engine and pulled back on the anonymous road.

After underling/highlighting/bolding each word, you can see that you used "he" entirely way too much. Try alternating between he,Liam (that's his name, right?) or just change the way you begin a sentence all together.

He was 17 or 18 and waiting for the bus that was supposed to drive him to the mountains and not supposed to forget him.*

* That sentence seems slightly choppy.
Try deleting the end completely and saying something that still gets the urgency across, but a a little clearer.Or you could divide the sentence down the middle.

Example-
Liam was around the age of 17 or 18. He waited for a bus that was supposed to take him to the mountains- and he couldn't afford to miss it.

and another-

He realized what just happened, he had witnessed death. He remembered the vehicle dropping from the sky and tried to imagine the pilots' behavior during these 5 seconds.

Try to re-word it so it flows a little more.

Liam let the realization of what just happened sink in- he had witnessed death. Images of the vehicle dropping from the sky flashed through his mind as he tried to imagine the pilots' behavior during those last 5 seconds.

This way, we eliminate another "he" but we still get the point across to the reader.


Other than that, really nice story/plot/beginning.
Keep on writing! Hope this Helps!
-jojo

I liked it a lot. You are off to an amazing start, but I regretfully must inform you that I found some flaws within it.

But, over all, ut was a great thing you have written. You do have a talent within you.

I do like your writing style and the way you put the words to form the story.