Goodbye Mom

Your hand gently ran through my hair,
smoothing out my tangled curls.
My only thought, to stay still
so that your comfort wouldn't stop.

My love for the week, wrapped in a single gesture
only you could give me,
something I always cherished
mainly because it was the only thing I had.

Your love was like a candle,
a warm light in a dark room.
Giving just enough light to make it.

To me you were my light,
you were a mom I always desired
but never got at home.

You were what I imagined an angel to be like,
you even had the glow I imagined them to have.

The dress you wore on your wedding day
accented this idea, it showed your inner beauty,
but it couldn't hide the ugly truth.

It couldn't hide the monster that was eating you
on the inside.

The monster made you really sick,
it tried to take away your light,
but you fought it.

It still dimmed your light though, made you weaker.
I knew it was hurting you,
and slowly taking you away from me.

I was so scared, because there was nothing I could do.
I wanted to see you, just one last time,
but I wasn't allowed.

You were too sick, my "mother" claimed,
I'll never forgive her for that,
because the next day, the monster took your flame away.
It took my mom away from me.

They had a funeral for you, but I couldn't go.
I couldn't fell that pain, I'd rather push it away,
hide it from even myself.

I wish I went though,
so I could say goodbye to you
like she never let me do
when you were alive.

I never did say goodbye,
I just couldn't let you go,
but now i know you are with the angels
you were so like.

So I have to say,
goodbye Mom,
I love you and miss you,
forgive me for taking so long.

-Christy-

I really liked it and I thought it was sweet. Just, always make sure to see the Doctor!

I know this isn't a real review, but I still have got to say how much I liked this poem. It really hit home for me. I was nearly in tears at the end. Mostly because I had an incident like this happen only just last year, and I hate a lot of things about myself for it. But I still liked this poem very, very much. The message is very clear, and the emotion was strong enough to get to even my shriveled up excuse for a heart (it's a joke, haha). I'm pretty sure this was written for a good reason, and I am immensely glad I read this. I'm sure someone else could come along and tell you individual problems and such, but I just wanted to tell you how much I liked this poem and how much it really hit me.

Please, please, please, keep on writing,
Zac (A.K.A. The Walkin' Dude

Wow. I REALLY liked this.

Flower~Child wrote:Your hand gently ran through my hair,
smoothing out my tangled curls.
My only thought, to stay still
so that your comfort wouldn't stop.

My grandmother used to do that to me when I was younger to calm me down so I would sleep. She still does it somethimes (: . For me, that was a great way for you to start your poem, because it's something I, and more than likely several other people can connect with.

Flower~Child wrote:To me you were my light,
you were a mom I always desired
but never got at home.

This I could also connect with, and I love how you're connecting someone so important to you to light, because light is a signature of positivity and greatness.

Flower~Child wrote:It couldn't hide the monster that was eating you
on the inside.

That immediately made me think it was cancer. That is what you're writing about, correct?
That's another thing I can connect with.


Great job! I loved reading this, and keep writing. I'd love to read more of your stuff.

Hey Flower!

To be honest... I don't think you'll be able to class this as a review. The reason for that is because I just know that it's going to be really short because I'm failing at finding anything to critique... especially something that I haven't mentioned about some of your previous poems.

The only "critique" I have isn't really a critique... It's a suggestion really. I think you've gotten to the point where your poems are very good to a certain extent. I think that if you want to go that one step further, you should start considering to maybe begin using some more interesting words and overall poem structure. I'll try and explain... I will warn you though that I suck at explaining things like this, especially with poetry...

What I mean by that is I'd like for you to expand some things on the poem overall. At the moment, the wording you choose is rather safe. Why don't you try to be a little more varied with our words? You have a tendency to use similar words in the poems you write, so I'd like to see you trying something a little different. The same goes for structure. You're using the classic 2-5 lined stanzas. You have varied this a little in the past, but I'd like to see you doing it a little more. Show us some one word lines, some long lines, some longer stanzas, some shorter stanzas etc.

Do you see what I'm getting at? What you have right now is lovely, and I just want to see you stretching yourself now! At the moment, I think that you're playing a little safe, and I think you know you are too. Don't be afraid to try something new or put a twist on what you normally do. Experiment!

Keep writing,

xoxo Skins

Hi there I agree with Skins, the poem is nice and to be honest I can relate to it because I had the exact same experience this is the reason why although I think the poem it's good I think you should expand more on the emotions and use words that will make us the readers feel much more involved.


I don't really understand this part it's quite confusing when you say you always desired a mum like this; how could you desire for a mum like that when you already had one like that ... see now it's getting even more confusing

To me you were my light,
you were a mom I always desired
but never got at home.

I love this part though:

The monster made you really sick,
it tried to take away your light,
but you fought it.

It still dimmed your light though, made you weaker.
I knew it was hurting you,
and slowly taking you away from me.

I was so scared, because there was nothing I could do.
I wanted to see you, just one last time,
but I wasn't allowed.

Overall good poem, keep it up

Hey Flower.

Here as requested.

Now, I'm going to say, I found this really... boring honestly.
I knew what was gonna happen before it happened, the word choice was bland, and you spent the entire poem as many people like to say: "telling" instead of "showing". I kept reading because I thought it would be more fair to you if I read the entire poem before critiquing it.

You've gotten out of the type of poems that covers 95% of what is on the internet. But only by a smig. To be honest, that's a good start. But you're going to have to throw yourself out into the open and hope there's something nice to land on, if you want to improve.

There are three things you wanna focus on:

1. Topic:

Sure you want to pick something people can relate too. But take that topic and make it interesting, take a different spin on something we've seen too many times. Turn it into a story. Make so people wonder and think. You can accomplish this, my favourite new thing, metaphors!

You started with a metaphor with the whole "monster" thing, but that's really a common metaphor for illness, or darkness. This is where showing not telling comes into play. I believe you want to essentially indirectly tell the story, you're presenting your reader something, but branching off their mind in different directions so they can understand and feel the story. You want to bring the senses into play.

It can be something really simple like, her touch felt like peach skins. Blahblahblah
Or play with sounds. Or taste. It doesn't matter. It becomes poetry when the body is fully invested in your words.

2. Words:

Think of words as feathers, do you want your bird covered in bland brown feathers that are kinda dull? No of course not.
You want vibrate colours and slick, shiny feathers.
Expand your vocabulary a little bit, use words that someone should use. Words that are more elaborate lead to more imagery and again you invest the reader in your poem.

Of course, be careful, don't abuse the thesaurus. I was guilty of abusing my vocabulary knowledge, you want a good balance between intelligence and understanding.

3. Cliches:

I don't think I need to explain this to you. I'm sure your aware of what a cliche is.
Just avoid them. Don't take the path everyone has taken, take a different path, or even better, make your own!
Describe a situation in your own way, consider cliches like an overdeveloped manner of sharing. Kind of like money. God knows who touched it and put their dirty fingers on it and where it's been etc. That idea is wore, and gross, avoid to touch it at all cost, only when you need it.

Hope that helps.

Kamas

Sorry for delay on this, I've been meaning to do this a while, while reading it only one thing struck me and because of it this will be a short review. Basically the only problem I had was here:

You were what I imagined an angel to be like,
you even had the glow I imagined them to have.

Take away 'I imagined them to have' it's redundant and the repetition of imagined and imagined is a little irritating.

Overall: I can't say much this is tragic piece, but too simple for my taste, much like Skins I agree you should go to next level and adopt better wording, especially for this poem, it seems far too simplistic for the theme your putting across, it's just a little corny with wording it's got, less tragic if you get what I mean. Word choice here would be a huge improvement, sorry for short review.

Hope this helps.

Well dear, you know I am a fairly lazy reviewer and see everything through rose-colored glasses, so you musn't expect a very helpful review out of me. I have to disagree with Kamas; the poem is neither boring nor terribly cliche. I thought it was very sad and beautiful, and conveyed the emotion well. Good job!

I think this was really good. I also agree it was not cliche with bad word choice, but when Kamas said something about "monster" being cliche, my mind auttimaticly jumped to the word beast. Not telling you to change it, just my thought. I also wondered who her "mother" was. Was she a friends mom? Or her aunt? Either way, if you could clarify that, it would be wonderful. Lastly, was she the only one who suffered? Or were they're others? If so, show her relationship with the other mourners, even if it's just pushing away they're help and comfort. I know this is a poem, and I don't write poetry, so if something I said itsn't "poetic" i'm sorry. I hope your not tierd of my reviews, bye~!
P.S. I really did think this was good. I cannot write poetry to save my life, but I love reading other peoples

This poem was sad, but nice in a way, if you get what I mean. Keep writing!

I kinda of started crying. It was really sad and sweet
Georgie x

Dang, Flow... *applauds* No review. Good job. -Clay