I am

I wrote this forever ago for ELA and decided to post it, so tell me what you think.

I am a girl with creativity who loves life.
I wonder if I will ever escape my small town.
I hear of great places around the world.
I see so little in where I live.
I want to see the world.
I am a girl with creativity who loves life.

I pretend that I can wait.
I feel that I can do more.
I hope that I can prove myself.
I worry that the world will cave in.
I cry when it does.
I am a girl with creativity who loves life.

I understand I have to be patent.
I say I will be big someday.
I dream of what I will do.
I try to get ready for the future.
I am a girl with creativity who loves life

Hello I'm LastPaladin and I shall be your reviewer, considering what you said, I'll take that into consideration, that one it's old and two it was written for school. Both these factors reveal to me why it's so very diminished and unimaginative, but I digress I'll go on with what's wrong with this.

Firstly, after a while the repetition of 'I' gets very tiresome, very quickly. It does more though it kicks out the readers, affectively, forcing them to go by your pace and your speed, not allowing them to enjoy the poem, this come across as irritating and completely avoidable if you just try be a little more sparing with the telling and try show us the idea.

Secondly there no real poem here, it's a list of things which is no offence boring, and it goes on until you repeat the line at end of every stanza and beginning of first stanza, it's not creative and doesn't exploit your creativity, it does opposite it makes said comment seem pretentious and lacking of any valid proof, just plain infuriating.

Thirdly I understand the factors of how this was made, but I'm trying to improve it so here you are. Firstly statement beginning then elaborate on why, explain and really make us feel the emotion, by the end of the poem we should know you. Unfortunately that isn't the case.

Overall: I tried to be less harsh with this because the variables, but it does just come across as list like and devoid of any real poetic element, so my advice is rewrite this and work on message of poem, capturing who you are and making us know you by the end. It can be done.

Hope this helps.

Warning: I might sound a lot meaner than I intend to. I'm sorry. Bear with me.
OK, this was just kind of weak for a few reasons. First off, every sentence starts with 'I.' It gets a little repetitive and annoying. The second thing is you give your opinion but you don't supply any emotion to go with it. Along with this, you repeat the line 'I am a girl with creativity who loves life.' Maybe this is what you're trying to get at, but couldn't you present it in a more emotional and less direct way? Speak through your words, and these things can be implied. The fact that you keep repeating it only makes it worse. Some good advice someone gave me about repeating lines is to make sure that the repeated line is a really solid, influencial line. Also, don't overuse it - sometimes just repeating it once can work perfectly.
Hope I don't sound harsh because I really don't want to come off that way. This is just my opinion for trying to help you improve your writing.
Keep writing,
StoryWeaver

This poem you have written, I am, must have been personal for you, I can tell through your words.

My only problem is that you used 'I' in the beginning of every line, which tended to bore me.

I will not go any further with corrections.

All I really have to say is that you should continue to write and that you do not stop no matter what.

Writing is a tool to help with your emotions, I definitely know that as a fact, if it makes you happy, don't stop and keep going.

Keep writing!

As most have said, your repetitive use of the noun 'I' is quite tiresome and grows weary as the poem goes on. I can see that this poem could have used a lot more imagination that was used in this piece but considering it /is/ old and was used for school I understand. Also: side note: You spelt (in the 3rd stanza, first line) patience wrong. Unless you truly meant patent. Which, at the moment ( since it's 12:00 ) I have no idea what that would mean in the placing that you've put it in.

As said, I am tired and normally review quite more thoroughly but it was still a very good poem but with lack of imagination and use of difference in the use of I's


- Write On

Wisp.