But Home Wouldn't Be The Same...

Spoiler

Just a quick note here. This is sort of a sequel-typed thing to a poem I wrote a while ago. I wrote this around four days later, and meant to post it but never did. So I decided that it would be a good idea to post it eventually. xD Note, that I'm not exactly thrilled with the flow, but I tried to edit that as best I could without guidance. >.> Anyways.
Take Me To My Home

I've told you before of my home,
a place of bizarre controversies;
and a land of truly captivating wonders,
things beyond senses of sound or taste or sight.
And it's only now I have been able to recognize
that I was missing something all along;

Because hearing butterflies roar
isn't the same without your hand,
ready for me to hold should I grow scared.
And amethyst trees will never be
nearly so fun to climb unless
you're there to follow me up into their limbs.

And to experience lethal rose petals,
can never be nearly as fascinating,
without you there to muse at them them with me.
and drinking from the lavender river,
where such roses grow beside,
won't ever be as refreshing
unless you can taste the colour, too.

And to swim in a lake of gold
wouldn't be nearly as joyful as I thought,
unless you're there to dare me to dive deeper.
And when we dry out in the sun,
hearing the loud whispers and quiet shouts,
wouldn't be as mysterious without you,
brow furrowed and wondering with me, too.

And taking dance lessons with the wind,
wouldn't be such a grand experience,
unless you were there to learn the steps,
and make clumsy mistakes alongside me.
And when we're exhausted from the work,
music wouldn't taste so fulfilling,
unless you were there,
so we could add your gentle voice.

And honey would only sound its best
with your arms around my waist,
as you led me in a dance in time to the tune.
And only with you twirling me,
would the fall of silver-dust rain feel so refreshing
as it lands so lightly on my skin.

And the oddity of the valleys above the hills,
and the hills above the mountains
and the mountains below the valleys,
wouldn't be as wonderful as I had first assumed
if you were there to tell me
that I am beautiful, too.

And laying on a bed made from
a gentle, winding breeze,
as I am tucked away by moonbeams,
while the stars sing me to sleep;
I would only smile then,
with your gentle lips on my cheek
kissing me good-night
as I fell slowly into a sound, deep sleep.

Isha, Isha, Isha, man am I impressed, this is just amazing, the words chosen, the metaphors and language techniques conveyed in this single piece is purely astounding, it's much like a rainbow with beauty within every stanza, whereas some people confine beauty to one stanza, you give us a stunning visual, that would be most enchanting when drawn, I honestly say without a doubt I could imagine this in a children book, with each page, painted with grace and pure amazing pictures, pictures that truly capture, no enrapture a young kid mind full of imagination and beautiful innocence.

Overall, I've nothing bad to say about this, it addresses on every note, every metaphor is inexplicably perfect and it's a masterpiece to behold both visually, mentally and imaginatively.

This is getting a like and I swear try get this published, the overload of gorgeous beauty conveyed would work wonderfully in a book for a young kid in primary school.

Congrats!

I love it! Reading this poem is like stepping into another world for a while. It's beautifully written, and the whole thing has a strange sense of enchantment about it.

Some of these things confused me a little. For example, the taste of music. The phrase has a nice ring to it, but when I think about it, I can't actually imagine what music would taste like. Would it be like sweets, or spring air, or last nights pizza?

It's the same with lethal rose petals. Was it the colour that made them seem lethal, or that roses have thorns? It's nice to have a new pespective on things, but remember you've still got to bridge the gaps a little for your reader.

Amethyst trees and lavender river - they're pretty words, but sometimes less is more. Using simpler words where you can will give your reader a clearer image in their minds, without having to climb over the ones which are, though more interesting, less familiar. You don't want to overdone on uncommon words or you'll lose your reader in a dictionary.

My favourite line is 'taking dance lessons with the wind.' The wind is a very light and free thing, so the idea being taught to dance by the wind is quite captivating.

Overall, nice work! I wish I could be more helpful in improving this, but it's an amazing piece of work as it is. Keep it up

I can't do poetry, really, I've tried. All I wanted to say was about that one line, "Because hearing butterflies roar..."
You posted that on your profile some time ago, inspiring me to draw a picture of a butterfly outroaring a lion. ^^
Okay, that's all...um, yeah.
Good work.

Hi, Ish. *waves*

Because hearing butterflies roar

I didn't really get this line. Clarify please.

And the oddity of the valleys above the hills,
and the hills above the mountains
and the mountains below the valleys,
wouldn't be as wonderful as I had first assumed
if you were there to tell me
that I am beautiful, too.

I love the imagery in this stanza, and the way you word it. Very unique.

And laying on a bed made from I
a gentle, winding breeze,
as I am tucked away by moonbeams,
while the stars sing me to sleep;
I would only smile then,
with your gentle lips on my cheek
kissing me good-night
as I fell slowly into a sound, deep sleep.

I love this stanza. Great way to end your poem.

Overall: I really love this poem. I can't find much falut with this poem. The only thing I didn't et was the line Because hearing butterflies roar. But that can be overlooked since this poem is so great. I love the imagery in this poem. Youn take readers to another world. This poem is enchanting. Way to use all 5 senses, so good job. You are a truly talented poet. Can't wait to see more of your work. If you have any questions or concerns Pm me. good luck with your writing~Lil.

Oh, my. Isha. Amazing. I love it. Seriously, there's nothing I can do to help make this better. Your poems about Aquariazzi are simply Awesome. Do write more soon! I'll be sure to review again. I love the flow, the imagery, the words you've chosen. Amazing. *loves and clicks 'like'* I love every single word of it!

Thank you for the awesome and beautiful poetry.

~Scar.

Hi, Ish.

Well, wow. This is brilliant. Your use of the senses is captivating, and you managed to create a truly entertaining poem that's extremely enjoyable, talented and evoking. I love the new idea that each stanza brings to the poem - really well done.

One thing I did find very jarring is the repetition. Starting every stanza with 'and' does have a point, but I didn't really enjoy that because it became very noticeable and annoying as the poem went on. I also felt it made the poem almost too childish, like a small girl reciting a list in a very annoying voice. I don't know ... I just think it would really enhance this poem if you played around with the stanza openings to remove the repetition. It's not such a huge deal, and may be something you did deliberately, but I really think you should do something about it.

Also, at points it felt like you were struggling to find the right words. For example:

And to experience lethal rose petals,
can never be nearly as fascinating,
without you there to muse at them them with me.

really, really does not work for me. It just feels all very forced and lacking in emotion, something that does not enhance the reader's experience at all. It's a minor blip, but definitely something you should look at. Try to envisage the scene closely, and come up with a word that perhaps describes it closer than 'muses' which is boring and lacking in action.

Hope this helps - really well done!

-Amy