I Survived-Chapter One

Okay, this is a story that I have already posted on here, but I decided to edit and repost it. Hope you guys like it

Chapter One:

Paul came towards me and draped his arm across my shoulders "Hey sis, let's go out tonight. Just you and me."

With a sigh, I propped my feet up on the red wood chair in front of me "What'd you do this time?"

He shrugged off the question and replied "What does it matter?"

He slid a cigarette from his pocket and lit it with the pink lighter his old girlfriend gave him. As he brought it to his lips I snatched it from his fingers.

Holding it in front of his face I said accusingly "Do you like black lungs?"

Paul sighed "You're right sorry. So?"

Biting down on my bottom lip, I thought. What's the worst that could happen? With wary eyes and much reluctance, I nodded.

Paul gave a big, toothy grin and stood up.

Pulling my limp body off the chair, he put his foot under my thigh to keep me from going onto the floor and pulled me up.

"Come on. Let's go." He said casually, grabbing his keys from the rack.

Still reluctant, I took slow steps, dragging my feet, out to his beat up blue truck and climbed into the passenger seat. With an excited smiel on his face, he got into the driver's seat. He turned the key and it gave an irritating clicking sound. Paul said something under his breath that I couldn't quite catch, so decided to leave it be.

After three more tries, he pulled out of the driveway without even looking behind him. My heart felt like it was stopping and yet speeding up all at once as I unconsciously clutched the armrest.

Paul gave a mocking chuckled and said tauntingly and yet somehow soothingly "Relax Ali."

Is he crazy!? Does he even know me!? There's no way I can relax! Rather than antgonizing an argument, I tried my best to make it appear as if I was relaxed by releasing the arm rest, slumping my shoulders a bit, and softening my face. But by habit my hand went up to my mouth and I bit down hard on my thumbnail.

Paul beat his hands on the steering wheel to the beat of some screamo song I've never heard of. Over the screaming of the crazy named band, I heard the honk of a truck and looked out Paul's window. The truck's lights were coming closer and closer to us. Paul looked out the window and back at me, his eyes wide.

"Paul!" I heard myself scream, my throat rattling and the shrill sound piercing my ears.

In an instant, Paul wretched his seat belt from it's clasp and threw himself on top of me, locking his arms together around the head rest behind me. For half a second there was a significant impact and I heard a crunch that made my shiver. But I then felt the strangest sensation of fyling, until once again I felt that great impact hit me. My head was spinning in circles. But then I realized, it wasn't me, it was the car!

Paul held me in place tightly, but I could hear every cry of pain he let out with each impact. I heard someone's screaming ringing through my ears and realized that it was myself. A third impact hit us, even harder than the first two. It felt like everything in my body shattered. I felt shooting pains go up from the right side of my body and scream at my brain, causing me to start crying and screaming in agony. Paul went completely limp the second of the impact.

"Paul!" I screamed again, my lungs felt like they were going to burst from how loudly a screeched.

But before I had a chance to try and do anything, everything went black.

The next time I opened my eyes, I saw Paul lying in front of me, a limp, bloody mess. Through something warm and sticky flowing over my eyes, I saw flashing red lights, a ton of people standing around, and a huge wreck of cars around me. Slowly, the darkness took over me again.

When I opened my eyes again, excruciatingly bright lights blinded me. Looked around the unfamiliar room, I saw my mom there, her hair oily and falling out of her messy bun, she clutched onto my hand, her head resting on the edge of the bed. Then I saw my dad sitting in one of the blue armchairs next to me, staring blankly at the floor. I tried moving my arms but could only move my left one. Needles were stuck into me and I heard the faint beeping of the monitor.

Through my pain, I moaned "Mom. Dad."

Mom's head snapped up and she looked at me, breaking down into sobs.

Every few second she managed to piece together "Oh Ali! You're awake! I was so afraid."

I groaned sleepily "What happened? Where's Paul?"

Dad flinched and said with dull, brown eyes "You got into an accident Ali. You were hit by a drunk driver and then again by someone you rolled into, you just kept getting hit over and over again-"

He had to stop, and I cold tell it was because tears threatened to break loose.

Slowly composing himself, he continued somberly "Paul threw himself over you to protect you and-"

His voice wavered once again. Quickly clearing his throat, he finished in a monotone voice "Paul died Ali."

I felt a tear run down my cheek. Reaching up with my left hand, I wiped it away but it only caused more tears to start streaming down my face uncontrolably.

In a shakey voice, mom said "You broke your right arm, your right leg, a few ribs, and you cracked the side of your head. Paul's bones shattered because he was hit directly by the trucks and cars."

It felt like my chest was going to explode as I heaved tears. This is all my fault. I should have tried to stop him from going. He would have listened if I told him no to go. It soon became harder to breath, and the skin across my chest felt like it would split open soon. A nurse rushed in frantically, and immidiately started to try and sooth me.

Tears blinding me, I reached down to pull the needles out, but the nurse grabbed my hands

Through my burning throat and stinging tears, I shrieked "Let me go! I don't deserve to live! Kill me! Just kill me!"

I noticed my mother place a hand over her mouth and begin quietly sobbing, and even my father let some tears fall down his cheeks.

The nurse shot something into the tubes to the needles and held onto my hands for a second longer. After a few seconds, my eyes felt like someone was forcing them shut and my head was getting cloudy. I couldn't think straight. With every last effort I had, I tried to tell them to just let me die, because I deserve it. But I was unable to even open my mouth before my eyes sagged closed and darkness enveloped my mind in a peaceful sleep.

Oh goodness, this is so sad! I definately think it started out a bit boring and got way better at the end. I did notice a few small grammatical errors, mostly with punctuation, so be aware of that.

First thing I noticed was that you have no punctuation before any of your dialogue. For example:

He shrugged off the question and replied "What does it matter?"

You should have a comma after "replied."

Paul sighed "You're right sorry. So?"

There should also be a comma after "right"

Biting down on my bottom lip, I thought. What's the worst that could happen? With wary eyes and much reluctance, I nodded.

Instead of having a period there, it should be a comma.

...dragging my feet, out to his beat up blue truck and climbed into the passenger seat.

You don't really need the comma here. It flows better without it.

After three more tries, he pulled out of the driveway without even looking behind him. My heart felt like it was stopping and yet speeding up all at once as I unconsciously clutched the armrest.

You don't really need the word "yet" there. Up until this point, you're sort of just explaining each little thing that happens and not much else. I definately think you could add more here. Perhaps you could talk about what a reckless driver he has always been and although he is the MC's brother, it's still difficult to feel safe with him in the driver seat.

Paul gave a mocking chuckled and said tauntingly and yet somehow soothingly "Relax Ali."

I'm pretty sure you meant "chuckle." Also, I think you could use a comma after "Relax." You say his words somehow soothe her, yes? That's a bit contradicting because in the next paragraph Ali is freaking out and not at all calm.

Paul beat his hands on the steering wheel to the beat of some screamo song I've never heard of. Over the screaming of the crazy named band, I heard the honk of a truck and looked out Paul's window. The truck's lights were coming closer and closer to us. Paul looked out the window and back at me, his eyes wide.

I definately thin you could enthrall the reader more here by really digging into Ali's fear and how in that moment, Paul's usually calm and carefree attitude had disappeared.

...heard a crunch that made my shiver

Should be "me."

In the parts where Paul throws himself ontop of her, I think you could continue to describe her senses to the reader. Make us feel like we are Ali, trapped under his heavy body in the spinning car, crashing again and again. You know?

The next time I opened my eyes, I saw Paul lying in front of me, a limp, bloody mess. Through something warm and sticky flowing over my eyes, I saw flashing red lights, a ton of people standing around, and a huge wreck of cars around me. Slowly, the darkness took over me again.

Nobody would be this calm. Seeing your lifeless brother, all those lights in the darkness, your body bleeding. You would be freaking out, completely panicked I'm sure. Wouldn't you be trying to scream? Or wanting to scream? Calling for your brother, your parents?

Looked around the unfamiliar room, I saw my mom there, her hair oily and falling out of her messy bun, she clutched onto my hand, her head resting on the edge of the bed.

"Looked" should be "Looking". I feel like you worded this is a funny sequence. I would have written it like this:
My mom was beside me clutching my hand, her oily hair falling out of her messy bun as she rested her head on the edge of my bed. Looking around the unfamiliar room, I saw my dad sitting in one of the blue armchairs next to me, staring blankly at the floor.

There were more spelling mistakes but I don't feel like telling you every single one, so just look over it.

Apart from the few mistakes, I think this was really great! I do think you could add a few bonding memories in the story to help the readers connect. Add a bit more emotion and panic during the accident. The ending was very good, I really liked it. I felt really sad for her! Good job and keep writing!

Hey, fiction!

I'm here to review, considering it's the last 45 minutes or so of review day. I haven't read the original version of this, but I do have a feeling I might have skimmed through it quickly once... I'm not sure. Anyway, I'm not going to get all nit-picky on you so that I can concentrate more on the deeper stuff.

Paul beat his hands on the steering wheel to the beat of some screamo song I've never heard of. Over the screaming of the crazy named band, I heard the honk of a truck and looked out Paul's window. The truck's lights were coming closer and closer to us. Paul looked out the window and back at me, his eyes wide.

"Paul!" I heard myself scream, my throat rattling and the shrill sound piercing my ears.

In an instant, Paul wretched his seat belt from it's clasp and threw himself on top of me, locking his arms together around the head rest behind me. For half a second there was a significant impact and I heard a crunch that made my shiver. But I then felt the strangest sensation of fyling, until once again I felt that great impact hit me. My head was spinning in circles. But then I realized, it wasn't me, it was the car!

I think that you could have done something really great here. You have the root of a great, tense scene, but I think you need to expand on it. What I'd suggest for you to do is put in some short sentences. That is a brilliant, but simple way of adding in suspense and tension. For example, take the last paragraph. You obviously wouldn't have to do this, but here's the kind of thing that I mean:

Paul wretched his seatbelt from it's clasp. He threw himself on top of me, arms locked around me. Then came the significant impact. There was a crunch; one that made me shiver. I was flying. Flying until the impact returned. My head spun in circles. I then realized it wasn't me. It was the car.

That isn't the best example of what I mean, but do you see what I'm getting at? With short sentences, it also gives the impression of suspense in a story. Plus, it gives the impression that everything is happening fast, which it is in this part of the piece.

My main critique for you on this concerns the beginning. I got the impression that you wanted to get through that quickly so that you could jump into all of the action and heartbreak. The problem with that is simply that by the end of this, I didn't feel all that much towards Ali and her situation. Her brother died... So what? I didn't know him? I didn't hear about her memories with him, or the way he made her feel. I just knew that he smoked and that he liked heavy metal.

I'd love for you to throw in some memories or something because I desperately want to feel emotional towards the whole situation. Think of this like a short story, where you have a limited amount of time to introduce characters to us readers. Even if it means making this chapter a whole lot longer, you need to show us Ali and Paul's life together. If you can, make the ending unexpected. Show us them spending Christmases together, stealing each other's toys, protecting each other from bullies, making up lies to impress each other. Give us memories to build our emotions.

Obviously, I don't want to hear they guys's life stories. That's the last thing I want. What I think you need to do is to get a good balance between everything. Don't give us an info-dump of memories, but don't give us nothing either. You don't necessarily have to show us memories either. You could simply show us how close - or not close - the siblings are through dialogue and actions. There are plenty of ways you can make us readers emotional about the whole piece, so don't be afraid to experiment a little bit.

Basically, I'd like to see you elongating the beginning. Don't rush into all of the action. Think of it as building a house. Don't be the person who grabs a load of wood and nails because it's quick and you want to get straight into living in the house. Look around for bricks and a good builder to keep everything strong and promising. Build the house before living in it. Dodgy metaphor aside, do you see what I mean? You can't live in a house that hasn't been built well enough. We can't get emotional over a situation if we don't know the background.

Negatives aside, I thought that this was well written actually. Your grammar was pretty good and so was your spelling. I'm interested in seeing what's going to happen next and how Ali is going to cope with everything. Good job!

Keep writing,

xoxo Skins

Hey, fictionfanatic! It's been a while!

This story is sad. I've been in an accident before, so I definitely know how scary it is. The description you had brought the memory back, unfortunately. xD But as a writer (rather than a victim), it was well-described!

There were a few things in context that bothered me though.

The car accident itself. I feel like, since this is first person, it was described almost too well. I don't think she'd be able to get all the details of what exactly happened. Basically, the scene itself was too slow. When you're in a car accident, it happens in seconds literally. The victims don't have time to register what exactly happened to them. All they know is that something bad just happened and, in some cases, it's causing them a lot of pain. I'd suggest holding back on the description there. Try sentence fragments too maybe.

Another thing is Dad. XD Mom was fine. Moms will worry a lot if their kid was in a car accident. But I remember my dad getting really protective after the accident I was in. (I was a passenger, so it wasn't my fault. He forbade me to ride in the same car as the guy though.) Dad's not about to go into this detailed explanation as to what happened. He's going to want to track down the guilty parties and set them straight. Or something. He'll also be bitter toward the driver/boyfriend 'cause he was driving! Later in the story, Dad might cool off. But right now, Dad's not going to be so cool, calm, and collected when his princess was nearly killed.

Those were the two major things that I noticed which needs attention. I think your story's got potential though!

Keep writing!

Jabber, the One and Only!