Who I Am

Yes, this is my first ever poem. It wasn't supposed to be a poem, but I guess it turned out to be one.

This is who I should be
Flicking through magazines, seeing thin models
Cutting out the pictures, covering the mirror

This is who I want to be
Staring at the pictures
Wanting to be more then just me

This is who I am
Turning in the mirror, trying to see every angle.
Grabbing the old toothbrush from the cup

This is who I need to be
As I lean over the toilet,
Letting the retching fill the empty space

This is who I’m stuck with
As I flush the toilet
Look into the sunken, gray face in the mirror
I was never happy with it.

Hey, there, Glim here to review.

First off, I thought your poem was very powerful and well-written. I think the desire to fit female stereotypes is so prevalent in teens these days, and that your poem captured the essences of that excellently. It was sad and bitter and hopeless, all at the same time.

The composition was done nicely; I could understand the direction the poem headed, and the stanzas helped keep the piece moving along. I find that in a lot of emotional poems the meaning of the poem is lost in wordy and flowery verse, but yours is nice and concise.

This poem really struck a chord with me; it's a bit frightening how powerful the desire to be perfect, skinny, or beautiful is, and I thought that how you structured the first line of each stanza helped convey that. The effect was haunting, and I commend you for that.

My only advice is, if you have any interest in developing this even more, to add a central metaphor to the piece, so everything is implied rather than explicitly stated. If not, fantastic job, and keep writing poetry!

--Glim

Wow.
That is actually really, really good.
I can't really do a review of it, because I don't notice anything to say that hasn't been said - that perhaps a metaphor would be good. That being said, I kind of like everything being simply stated, it fits well with the poem.

No grammar mistakes; I like you

Anyway, sorry this is such an awful review, but I can't see anything to change, so it'll just have to be me telling you that I really like it, and the imagery is excellent, and that I'm glad you picked such a strong topic to work with, you've definitely done it justice.

Vampyre

Vampyre wrote:No grammar mistakes; I like you

Agrees with Vampyre.

Hehe yay, it's just so nice and refreshing to see someone take care of their grammar

hi wicked wonder, Pointe here to do a review!

This is who I should be:
Flicking through magazines, seeing thin models.
Cutting out the pictures, covering the mirror.

This is who I want to be:
Staring at the pictures,
Wanting to be more then just me.

This is who I am:
Turning in the mirror, trying to see every angle.
Grabbing the old toothbrush from the cup.

I fixed the punctuation here

This is who I need to be:
As I lean over the toilet,
Letting the retching fill the empty space

this part does not flow with the rest of the sentece

This is who I’m stuck with:
As I flush the toilet
Look into the sunken, gray face in the mirror
I was never happy with it.

weellll... I'm not sure what to say, I am glad you decided to do poetry but this isn't the best of your work. YOU CAN DO BETTER. the sentences don't seem to flow and there was no punctuation of the first 3 parts. sometimes you use descriptive words and sometimes not. YOU NEED FLOW! don't or do. But I like how it is like a real girls feelings, but I'm not sure its exactly the message you want to send. I feel super harsh reviewing this....
~Pointe

Wow. You are very harsh on yourself. If not a poem, what did this start out as? I'll not lie, it is beautiful, but contains a lovely sad edge. Your sadness, unlike that of some, is not about a relationship, but about yourself. Everyone wants to be better than they are, with few exceptions; myself not included, although I really don't worry about my appearance.

I won't correct grammer, part because it takes too long, and because I believe that it's not good grammer that makes a good piece. If this is your first, I can't wait to hear your continued writing (I do hope you will continue to write poetry!). Keep me posted!

Hi I think you put across the message of the poem very well. When I started reading it I felt like it was something a bit of a cliche but as I got through it I actually liked it. Although the poem is quite short I have to admit it really is strong.

I liked this stanza:

This is who I want to be
Staring at the pictures
Wanting to be more then just me

Also this stanza:

This is who I’m stuck with
As I flush the toilet
Look into the sunken, gray face in the mirror
I was never happy with it.

Anyways keep on writing. I don't have any critique, I think the most important thing in poetry it's being able to express your emotions in such a way that the reader can relate to it and I think you have expressed the poet's feeling pretty well ... keep writing

Beautifully written. I'm surprised you don't do this poetry thing more often. You've got some incredible skill.
I don't know if you are writing from experience or imagination, but, having struggled with bulimia for four years and to this day, I can completely relate to this.
A lot of people try to capture eating disorders in things such as poetry or music from the perspective of the person with the disorder and it usually ends up being very bitter, if that makes any sense.
Your poem here was subdued by the sadness conveyed. It was touchingly depressive...but in the best way possible.
I don't have much criticism, actually. I could make a few suggestions like go deeper into expressing the actual emotions, but it's the simplicity of this piece that makes it so strong, so I wouldn't advise you alter it too much.
Amazing job.
You have a beautiful piece here coming from a gorgeous girl with outstanding talent.
Keep writing and keep the faith.

PM me if you have any questions or comments, I'd love to talk.

-Jocelyn.