Elle (Chapter 14 + 15)

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Hello everyone! This is chapter 14 + 15! Just to let you know, this is the furthest chapter that I have ever written to, so I'm pretty proud of myself. Well, I am sorry if it's long, I couldn't stop writing!(: Enjoy!

Chapter 14:

The guard lead us to massive, wooden doors. He shoves the door with all his strength, opening them to something that I never have seen before. The whole room was made of white marble with black specks. The pillars that seem to keep the roof up have the width equal too an arm-span. Above us, the roof met at a sharp point, giving the impression that the room is even larger. Ahead of us sits a silver thrown and above that is a picture made of glass, the light shining through it. Lanterns and elegant candles also light the room.

“Ah, welcome.” The man on the thrown stands, his silver and white robs swing at his feet. On his head is a ring covered in silver ivy, weaving it’s way. His hair is a radiant white, showing his age. As he stood, the guards around him shifted slightly. Next too the King is someone who looks much like himself, only younger.

“You must be Elle.” King Alberic moves down the stairs that elevate his thrown. What must be his son follows.

“Yes, it is a pleasure to meet you.” I bow slightly, unsure of how to act.

“Yes, of course. Lyra has sent you, correct?” King Alberic asks.

“Yes, she has taken great care to heal me. I am very thankful for her kindness,” I say, cautious about my
words. Trenton seems uneasy.

“I’m glad. This is my son, Drer,” He introduces his son.

“A pleasure it is to meet you.” I nod towards his son.

“As it is to meet you.” Drer nods as well.

“Now, we must discuss plans on the upcoming battle.” King Alberic wanders back to his thrown.

Confused, I ask, “What battle?”

“You haven’t been informed?” King Alberic turns, eyeing Trenton for a short time.

“I know about the attack and the possibility of a battle, but not knowing for certain of one,” I say, trying to remember any hint of the mention of such thing.

“Yes, and we need you prepared.” King Alberic sits back on his thrown, his son standing beside him.

“You want her to be in this battle? She has only just healed,” Trenton objects.

“I do not need you to tell me how to run my kingdom.” King Alberic shoots a cold look at Trenton.

I lean into his ear, “Just let him speak. I will be alright.”

Trenton tenses.

“There is a high chance that the King will be fighting along side his men and it may be your only chance to kill him. At the taking of Erelle, witnesses say he led his army,” King Alberic says.

I nod.

“Now, I need to be certain that you won’t abandon us, or one that we cannot trust.” King Alberic sits up higher. “Will you be loyal to me and my people?”

Brushing back a strand of my hair, I say, “Yes, I will serve you and your people to the best of my ability.”

King Alberic smiles, clasping his hands together. “You have made a marvelous choice,” he says.

“I think so myself, sir,” I say, smiling shyly.

Drer leans into his father’s ear and whispers something. The King exclaims, “Ah, I have almost forgotten A festival is on it’s way, and I would be delighted if you come. I wasn’t expecting you to come, thinking you were on a long recovery.”

The last time I went to a festival was when I was on the run, not knowing where I was going. That’s when I met Trenton. “I would love to come. How soon?”

“Tomorrow. It’s wonderful that you can come, it’s an annual celebration of our people. I wasn't expecting you to come, but what a miracle that you can accompany us!” The King gleams, then eyes Trenton, the happiness fading. “Now, you must be going. Trenton? Can I speak with you, privately?”

“Yes, you may.” Trenton’s voice seemed to be filled with hate.

“Elle, it will only be a minute. One of my guards will lead you out.” The King motions towards one of his men. The one to his right steps down from where the thrown sits and ushers me out. I turn to get one last look at Trenton, only seeing his back. The guard closed the door, left in the hallway alone.

I sit alongside the stone wall, watching the door, waiting. Strained, my ears attempt at detecting any words being said. What is going on? Curious, I lean my ear against the hard, cold wood, hoping to hear anything. Nothing. Not even a mumble. The wood must be too thick.

Giving up, I lean against the wood, resting there until Trenton came out. Time passes, and I was getting anxious. I close my eyes slightly. The door beside me creaks open. I shoot up and watch as Trenton is being walked out. I smile at him, and returns a halfhearted one. The guard lets go of Trenton and shows us the way out. Back to the front door, the guard leaves us.

“What did he say to you?” I ask, worry fogging up my thoughts.

Trenton shrugs, “Something for Lyra. It’s alright.”

Unconvinced, I say, “Trenton, please tell me.”

“There is nothing to be said.” Trenton starts making his way across the clearing. I run to catch up with him. I say nothing else.




“Lyra?” Trenton calls as we step through the front door, “We are back.”

“How did it go?” Lyra peeks her head out of the room where I had stayed in.

Trenton pauses, so I say, “Good.”

Lyra switches glances to Trenton and seems to nod her head. I turn my head to Trenton to see a glance of him slightly nodding as well. He isn’t telling me something.

“I will be right back.” Lyra disappears into the room. Trenton and I go sit on the couch, waiting to tell Lyra the news. An awkward silence falls between us. What isn’t he telling me?

Lyra comes into the living area, patting her hands dry on her dress worn down dress. She smiles and sits on the chair, patiently waiting for Trenton and I to speak. Since Trenton isn’t speaking, I say, “I have agreed to become King Alberic’s ally.”

“Wonderful.” Lyra clutches my hands between hers.

“And I am invited to the festival tomorrow,” I say, almost in a monotone. I want to know what Trenton isn’t telling me.

“Ah, I almost forgot about that ” Lyra smiles cheerfully.

The silence falls again, a gust of wind collides with the outside walls.

“Elle? You must be getting ready for bed. Why don’t you take a bath and get cleaned up. I will have something for you to eat once your done. A nightgown is in there for you.” Lyra suggests.

I look at Trenton then at Lyra, then back again. “Alright,” I say suspiciously. I get up and walk to the bathroom. The door shuts behind me and I begin to strip down like earlier. The tub is already filled with water. What can it possibly be that I can’t know about?

I dip my toe into the water, then my foot. The rest of my body follows. I sink into the water, my face getting covered. My eyes closed tightly, I resurface, wiping away my hair from my face. I soak in the water, letting it take over my body. Bored, I create a small whirl pool only a hands-width wide.

“I can’t tell her now!” I hear Trenton from the living room. I grow still, listening intently.

A muffled response.

“She doesn’t have to know. Not now.”

What are they keeping from me?

“She needs me now, and I don’t want to have her worry,” Trenton says in finality.

I quickly finish up and get out. Using my ability, I dry myself in seconds and slip on my nightgown. I pick up my dress and shoes and walk into the living room.

“Oh, hi Elle.” Lyra seems uneasy. Trenton smiles as if nothing is wrong.

“Hello,” I say almost accusingly.

“I am going to go make your supper. Trenton, do you want anything?” Lyra stands.

“No thanks.” Trenton gets up as well. “I think I am going to go to bed.”

I give him a hard look, signaling that he didn’t. That I know that he is keeping something from me. He ignores it and goes into a spare room, closing the door behind him.

“Stay right here and I will be out with your supper soon.” Lyra hustles to the kitchen. Unsatisfied, I slump on the couch, thinking of possible things that Trenton doesn’t want me to know. What can it be? My brows furrow the longer I think of the subject.

“Lyra? Are you alright?” Lyra asks behind me with a tray of fruits and vegetables along with bread.

I look down in embarrassment and say, “Yes, I’m alright. Thank you.”

Lyra smiles and hands me the plate with my dinner. I take it graciously and place it on my lap. First, I pick at the bread, leaving minimal amounts of crumbs behind. Next is the vegetables, saving the fruit for last. Lyra is already gone, tending to her patients. Unsure of what to do with the tray leftover food, I place it on the table.

I stand, stretching my legs. Where am I sleeping tonight? Lyra didn’t mention where. Exhausted, I fall back onto the couch. Satisfied with where I am at, I lay down across the whole length of the sofa. Comfortable, I find sleep easily.


Chapter 15:

I wake up to Lyra shaking me awake, saying, “Time to get up We need to get you ready.”

I rub my eyes, the light causing a headache. Sitting up, my vision blurs and dissolves into normal scenery. “What time is it?”

“Nearly noon Up, up up ” Lyra gets me to stand up. Still half asleep, she takes me to the bathroom and sits me on the toilet. I yawn. On my face, I feel Lyra rubbing it with a warm, damp cloth. This wakes me quickly. Annoyed, I dry off the leftover residue on my skin.

“I’m sorry, we need to get you ready so that you are presentable.” Lyra throws the cloth in the sink.

I am taken aback by the word presentable. How am I not presentable?

“I thought the festival is tonight,” I say as Lyra gets out the same applicants that were placed on my face yesterday.

“No, no my dear. It’s later this afternoon, or that’s when the feast begins, then it’s the dancing and celebration afterwards,” Lyra explains.

“What exactly is this festival for?” I ask.

“The coming of winter.” Lyra opens the jar of powder like yesterday, but this time, the powder is white, not pink.

She takes out the same brush and brushes it all over my face. I want to rip it out of her hand, but kept myself still. Next, she takes another form of powder, but in a silver shade. Instead of applying it all over my face, she tells me to close my eyes and pats a small amount on my lids. I open my eyes to see Lyra taking out the black liquid. Like yesterday, she dapples it on my lashes.

“Now, this is the part that will take the longest.” Lyra takes out something new, a silver stick, only it isn’t wood. It’s no bigger than my finger.

“What’s that?” I ask, leaning away from it.

“We use this to create designs on our faces. It’s nothing to be afraid of.” Lyra smiles, leaning in with the stick.

I brace myself for something awful, only to feel a smooth tip of something sliding over my skin, coming out of the creases of my eyes and swirling up.

“Don’t move,” Lyra warns.

For quit some time, Lyra continues drawing designs along my face. I sit still, patient and eager to see the finished result.

“There. You can open your eyes,” Lyra says. I open my eyes. Lyra looks at me in amazement, like she has seen something magnificent.

“What is it?” I ask, worried now.

Lyra grins, “Nothing, you look... amazing.”

I stand, looking at my reflection. The person looking back at me isn’t me, it’s someone with great beauty and grace. Silver lined her eyes, highlighting them in a hue so right for her. The color of her face looked like ivory, smooth and flawless, nothing disrupting it. Another hand shows in the picture, and Lyra begins brushing the tangles out.

I can’t look away, awestruck that this is me. I never thought that I was ever beautiful, until now. Lyra leaves the bathroom for a quick moment, still not looking away from my reflection. She comes back with a dress in her hands. I tear my blue eyes away to see it.

“King Alberic sent it himself,” Lyra says.

I smile, holding the dress between my fingers. My mind takes me back to when Trenton and I were journeying our way here to safety, and when he brought the dress back for me. Trenton...

“Where is Trenton?” I ask, looking up from the dress.

Lyra’s smile fades to a concerned face, obviously bothered by something. She staggers, “He is speaking with King Alberic for me. He will be back tonight.”

I nod, keeping a suspicious gaze on her. She fidgets under my eye, and changes the subject. “Now, let’s try on this dress.”

I slip out of my nightgown, careful not to ruin anything on my face. Lyra ties the back for me, and I look down. The dress hit my knees and synched at my waist. It fit tightly to my torso, leaving my neck and collarbone bare. The sleeves only covered the very ends of my shoulder and stopped there. I can’t stop trying to comprehend the color. It’s a mixture of a light lilac, mixed with silvers and blues, all fading into white.

Lyra wraps around a matching belt at my waist with a shimmering stone that had an eery glow to it. I touch it.

“It’s moonstone. They are rare to find here.” Lyra ties the belt in the back, then she grabs a necklace made with the same stone and places it on my neck.

I turn to look in the mirror, thrilled at my appearance. It never occurred to me how beautiful I truly look.

“Now put these on. We need to be leaving soon.” Lyra hands me a pair of shoes like the ones I wore yesterday, only these were silver. I slip them on as quickly as I can and follow Lyra out.

“Oh, wait.” Lyra fidgets with my hair, twisting a small strand and pulling it back. Same on the left side of my head. “There, now we are done. Wait here, I won’t be too long.” Lyra sits me on the couch and goes into the bathroom to get ready for the festival.

I wonder why Trenton needs to see King Alberic again. It must be important. My mind wanders from the boredom I am experiencing. On the table, I find parchment and a writing utensil. On it, I write that I am going to be out in the meadow. I leave it in the middle of the table so that it is easy to find.

Outside, I begin to twirl in the trees. My hand runs over rough bark as I spin and skip, not missing a beat. Slight chills crept through me, but I didn’t mind it. The sky above me is turning a solid gray, keeping away the sun. Golden leaves littered the ground, creating a carpet on the forest floor. Every skip, I would kick up some of the leaves, disturbing their rest.

The trees open to the meadow, where I had spent a night while Lyra cared for injured patients. I stop, feeling a breeze ruffle my hair and dress hem. I walk to the center of the meadow, the field flowers wilting and dying from the cold. The ground is hard unlike the soft soil from before.

I lay my head back and watch the unchanging sky. With the tips of my fingers, I pluck strands of dying grass, dropping them on the ground. A breeze flew down from the sky. I fight against my eyes from closing, telling myself to not fall asleep. My eyelids don’t follow, and I find myself drifting into sleep.
Katie ^-^




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Yay! Katie; glad you posted!

The guard lead us to massive, wooden doors. He shoves the door with all his strength, opening them to something that I never have seen before
Ok. Tenses, as usual. But the first part should either be:
the guard leads us... or
the guard led us.
And I would suggest changing the last part to; that I've never seen before.

It'll flow better, I find :D

The pillars that seem to keep the roof up have the width equal too an arm-span. Above us, the roof met at a sharp point, giving the impression that the room is even larger. Ahead of us sits a silver thrown and above that is a picture made of glass, the light shining through it. Lanterns and elegant candles also light the room.
to and throne.

“Ah, welcome.” The man on the thrown stands, his silver and white robs swing at his feet.
throne. You write it a few times, just reread it :D

“You must be Elle.” King Alberic moves down the stairs that elevate his thrown. What must be his son follows.
First of all, the part in bold is awkwardly phrased. Second of all, why does she assume he's the son? Cause he looks like him? It would be nice to 'see' through her eyes.

Yes, she has taken great care to heal me. I am very thankful for her kindness,” I say, cautious about my
words. Trenton seems uneasy
How does he seem uneasy? Show us, please.

“I’m glad. This is my son, Drer,” He introduces his son.
Last part is unnecessary; he already introduced.

“A pleasure it is to meet you.” I nod towards his son.
First she doesn't know how to act toward the King so she bows. Not the prince is introduced to her and all she does is nod her head? As she would a commoner?

The guard closed the door, left in the hallway alone.
I think you forgot a few words, here.

For quit some time, Lyra continues drawing designs along my face. I sit still, patient and eager to see the finished result.
quite

Well Katie, that wasn't as long as I thought it'd be. Time flies by when you're having fun!

First of all; congrats on making it this far! Not many people succeed at this! You have every right to be proud of yourself!

Okay, so I enjoyed this. But it needs some work. You're going to have to work on your showing, not telling. There are a lot of scenes that you could have shown, instead of telling. That needs work. Because we need to be inside her head, to know what she's thinking, what she's feeling. That's what it takes for us to feel like we're apart of her world. Of your world.

Well, I enjoyed this, can't wait to read more!

Tanya :D




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Hello there. I will be reviewing you this lovely Review Day. :D That said, I haven't read the previous chapters, so if I bring up a point that was addressed in a previous chapter, feel free to disregard that point.

Before I start, might I suggest you include a chapter summary in future chapters? It will make it easier for walk-in reviewers (like myself) to give you helpful reviews since we'll have a general idea of what's going on in the story, and who's who. Here is an article with tips on how to write chapter summaries.

The first thing I noticed was the length. Next time, instead of posting two chapters at once, it might be better to post them separately, and even break up really long chapters into multiple parts. On the internet, anything longer than 2000 words is daunting, which means not as many people will be willing to read. Granted, considering this is a novel, you probably have some dedicated readers who would read regardless of length, but it does make it easier on newer readers if you split things up into smaller chunks.

Another thing I noticed just looking was that, while you do separate scenes with spaces, you don't have anything else to mark that separation. This may be more personal preference than anything, but having a marker of some kind (I use --- myself) would be a more solid cue that one scene has ended and another begun.

Reading through, I noticed that you have a lot of tense and homophone confusion. For tense, the easiest way to keep track of it is to keep asking yourself "When is this happening?" and then make sure your tense is correct. For homophones, they're tricky since spelling and grammar checkers don't pick up on them; the only way to catch them is to reread your work carefully and spot-check the definitions of your words. With the number of online dictionaries out there, it's pretty easy to look up words nowadays.

As it stands, the inconsistent tenses and the homophone confusion kept throwing me out of the story, and I couldn't finish reading these chapters.
Secretly a Kyllorac, sometimes a Murtle.
There are no chickens in Hyrule.
Princessence: A LMS Project
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When life gives you lemons…take over YWS with fruits and vegetables!!!
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