Christmas crash

"Jasmine watch out!" I yell as she storm off. The wheels screeched from the 1980's ford before coliding with her. I sprinted after her. She was laid in front of the grill of the car. The driver, stood there in hunting gear. His breathe growing white in the cold christmas air. I knelt by Jasmine.
"It hurts, Rob"
"I know baby. I know." I pushed her hair out of the way. The driver was calling for an ambulane. She coughed and crimson fluid fell from her white lips onto her jacket.
"I'm cold," I picked her up in my arms. Her white jacket was heavy against my torso. Blood seeped through her jeans and her left arm was bent the wrong way.
"It really hurts, Rob"
"Shh it will be okay baby. I love you remember. I won't let anything happen to you, remember. I'm sorry Jasmine. . . so sorry. I love you and I never want you to forget that. Ever." I held her tight. I heard her cry, tears began to drip onto my bare hands around her waist.
"I love you two, so much Rob. Ah -"
"shhhh. It's okay." A silence filled the winter air. The christmas lights string over the suspension bridge twinkled aimlessly.
"Merry christmas Rob,"
"Merry Christmas Jas" I kissed her and pulled her in tighter.
"I'm cold, Rob. So cold."
"Don't you dare. Don't even think abo-" before I could finish she coughed again, spitting a lot of red blood onto the road.
"I love you Rob." She started crying. I cried to. We both sit there in the middle of the night. The drunkern customers behind them singing endless christmas songs of pointless value. The smell of blood and snow mixed in my nostrils.
"On the first day of christmas, my true love gave to me . . ." her voice trailed off. She fell limp in my arms. I knew it was to late. I broke down, I cried and cried into her brown curls. I felt sick.
"Jasmine. Jasmine!" I screamed into the midnight. It was no use. She was dead. Jasmine was dead. My Jasmine was dead. My love. My . . . everything.

Hello retrodisco666. I'm BadNarrator and I'll be critiquing your story today.

Since it was such a short story I didn't feel the need to go through it word for word nitpicks like I normally do. So first I want to talk about the dialogue. Writing dialogue is one of the trickiest parts of writing believable fiction. It has to sound natural yet at the same time be unique and unusual in order to reveal character. That being said, the dialogue in this story doesn't really function in that way. All we really get from the dialogue in this story is Rob crying over his injured girlfriend, and then Jasmine saying "it hurts, Rob." The quoted dialogue is too hollow, there's no depth. There's nothing unique in this exchange that makes this couple different from everyone else.

To help the dialogue I suggest coming up with some sort of word, phrase or pet name that's unique to these characters. Set up a pattern of speech for them that sounds like something these characters, and only these characters would say. Also, try using indirect dialogue for most of the conversation and limit the direct quotes for only the most important things your characters say.

I wanted to talk about the plot. There isn't one to be honest, not a strong one at least. I understand that we're supposed to feel sympathy for these characters, and the loss of a loved one is certainly a good place to start, but in order for it to be effective we need context. For a loss to be compelling the reader needs to understand what's at stake? What was Jasmine and Rob's relationship like before the accident? Why is Jasmine so important to Rob? Why can't he just get another girlfriend? Why was she in the middle of the street in the first place?

Give us some background info, is basically my point. I feel like this story isn't quite finished. This scene isn't a bad place to start, but there's a lot going on that you're not showing us. Maybe the collision could be the intro and the rest of the story is how they got there. Maybe Jasmine ran out into the street because she was angry at Rob because of an argument. Who knows? Until you show us, we're left to speculate.

Leave me a wall post or a pm if you got any question. And keep writing.

This was a poignant piece- there were quite a few grammatical errors, but I'm sure that if you went through it again, you would catch it. I would create more of a connection with the narrator- I think that if you wrote about his emotions as well as the physical descriptions, it would really make this piece a lot more powerful. Also, try centralizing your description on what is the main conflict, and maybe add in a little bit more. The dialog was nicely done and realistic- the ending was a bit quick for me, but it was still nice.

I would create more of a backstory, more of a strengthened relationship between these two people in order for the end to be as heartbreaking as it could be. Create a setting, a worldview for the MCs to adopt- make them really HUMAN.

Overall, nice piece.


-Coral-