Drift

I made a few changes to this poem. I uploaded it a while back during the writing olympics. Hope everyone enjoys it. Sorry if you've read it before. I should metion that this is a terzanelle style which is why some of the language is restricted. Thanks.

I notice the rush of white water on the sand,
the calm of the boat on the sea,
I hope to drift back to land.

It is all beautiful to me,
The waves lapping around the hull,
the calm of the boat on the sea.

In the sky soars a gull,
as the clouds scurry by,
the waves lap around the hull.

The sun is low in the sky,
the water reflects blood red,
as the clouds scurry by.

I stand in awe but hit my head,
I stumble and fall from our ship,
the water reflects blood red.

The boat rocks and dips,
I notice the rush of white water on the sand,
I stumble and fall from our ship,
I hope to drift back to land.

Lydia1995 wrote:I made a few changes to this poem. I uploaded it a while back during the writing olympics. Hope everyone enjoys it. Sorry if you've read it before.

I notice the rush of white water on the sand,
the calm of the boat on the sea,
I hope to drift back to land.

It is all beautiful to me,
The waves lapping around the hull,
the calm of the boat on the sea.

In the sky soars a gull,
as the clouds scurry by,
the waves lap around the hull.

The sun is low in the sky,
the water reflects blood red,
as the clouds scurry by.

I stand in awe but hit my head,
I stumble and fall from our ship,
the water reflects blood red.

The boat rocks and dips,
I notice the rush of white water on the sand,
I stumble and fall from our ship,
I hope to drift back land.

Hi, I'm fox and I'm here to give you a review. Hope it helps you.

1.the calm of the boat on the sea, It should be calmness of the boat because you are describing the condition of the boat.


2.I hope to drift back land I think you mean, drift back to land.

All in all, I thought the poem was a little solid, maybe if you had done some stronger description and more enhanced vocabulary it would have been stronger. It was nice though, a little calming too. Good job!

Good, i wish i could give some specific details of what to do better but i do not have the time. possibly i will be back to do so. I liked the boem but you may want to change some of the words you chose to become more vivid.