Vampyre's Horror

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Shiro’s Memories

I walked down the snow covered path. The pale whiteness giving the world a dead glimpse of the little life winter had in store. Cold flakes of frozen water floated down from the grey, darkening clouds. Icicles hung on bare, snow laden branches of trees; their sharp tips pointing downwards like sharpened blades.
A cold bitter wind blasted through me, sending my cloak into frenzy. I stopped, guarding my face from the snow and sharp wind. The wind brought a message. A message of blood. The west. Two miles off. I fought back the natural instinct to go in for the smell of fresh blood. I continued northwards. It’s probably a kill by wolf.
I continued down the path. Under the moonlit sky, the white land beckoned me. The Pale Stranger.
I had no real memories, except of the girl Sarah, Hannah, and of that night, that changed me, forever...


“Sarah! Sarah!” I shouted to a little girl. She was only four, and yet she was as lively as a seven year old. My perfect little daughter ran towards me, her arms open. I stooped down to catch her in my own arms.
“Papa!” Sarah giggled as I lifted her high above my head. Her short blonde curls bouncing with the movement of her head.
I pulled her close into an embrace, “Sarah,” I brought her face to mine, “Listen, darling. Papa is going to be gone for a little while, okay?”
She looked at me with her bright blue eyes, confused at first, but a giant smile showed a moment later, “Okay, Papa.”
Hannah was nearby, watching us. I turned to face her, with Sarah in my arms. I gave her a soft smile. She smiled back.



The inn was dimly lit. I had arrived at a small village, so I had decided to stay the night. The Duke’s fort was only a day’s ride away. And I was expected a day later anyway. I had ordered a half pint of beer. I needed to stay alert in these types of places.
Whilst I was enjoying my drink in this crowded place, I noticed a stranger was watching me from underneath his hood. I ignored him, but I stole a glance back at him. He was sat in the far corner, by the window, a glass of red wine in his hand. The man then rose from his seat, took a slight bow towards me, and then silently left the inn. All was left of him was an empty glass.



I sat on my bed, staring out the window into the night sky. Winter was here already, as the first few flakes of snow drifted past my window. I enjoyed the sight, wishing that I could have spent these few moments with my family. Sarah would have giggled at the snow; attempting to catch them in her small hands. Hannah would be sat with me, watching our beautiful daughter.

As my mind was elsewhere, I didn’t notice the slight breeze that blew out the candle, as the door opened. I didn’t notice the stranger enter my room. I didn’t hear him creep up behind me, until his cold hands stroked my face. In anger and shock, I turned to face this intruder, “Who -” I stopped.

Before me was a beautiful man, with long black silky hair, ebony eyes, and pale skin. The moment I looked into those bottomless black eyes, I was entranced; unable to speak, nor move.
“You are so beautiful, Shiro.” Whispered the man, his face getting closer to mine.

I was confused. Who was Shiro? I’m Thomas! I try to tell him, but I say nothing. Instead I look at this man in admiration. He had long beautiful eyelashes, which framed his lovely eyes. His lips were pale, like his skin, but still beautiful.
“I’m Kuro, Shiro,” the man continued, “and I’ll be your master and only one who you’ll ever love.”

I paled in shock. What is this man? Who is he? What does he want? Why does he call me Shiro? Questions without answers filled my mind.

Kuro then leaned in towards my neck, to kiss me? I tried to move away. But I can’t. Why?

Then I felt his teeth against my skin. Then pain, then total ecstasy. I felt him suck my neck, as warm fluid flowed down my neck.

Then I saw and felt nothing.


Hiya! I was feeling really bored, So I decided to post this story which I wrote ages ago -when I first joined yws- and which has been re-read and revised with Linda Lee Welch (an american author currently residing in Sheffield)I haven't really posted this as I think its really mature, but I would like to see what the general public would think of it. When I last tried posting this, it was during the vampire/were-wolf craze, so I didn't get much reviews for it...:(
Anyway, please review, thankyou

Fantasy
My Pages:
http://www.youngwriterssociety.com/page.php?id=805
Feel free to read and enjoy!




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Hey!

First of all, the name really caught my eye, but whether that's due to a good title choice, or the fact I saw "Vampyre" I'm not sure...

Anyway.
I really enjoyed reading this, though it was rather short. Are you going to turn it into a novel? Otherwise it needs an ending, and something clear to actually happen, because while it would make an excellent first chapter - very gripping and interesting, I wanted to find out how the Shiro/Thomas misunderstanding happened!- there is no plot, and no ending. Obviously this is not needed if you are going to make it into a novel.

I noticed no spelling/grammar mistakes, which is always a plus :)

Here;
I was confused. Who was Shiro? I’m Thomas! I try to tell him,

If I were you, I would move it to be like:
I was confused. Who was Shiro?
I’m Thomas! I try to tell him,


Just because, although your character doesn't speak those words, he tries to, and they're at least a thought. So, for me, it's clearer to read when thoughts/speech is put on a new line.

Only other criticism I think I can give is that you shift slightly from past tense to present tense, which can be confusing for the reader..
Up until
I was confused.
, you were in past, but from then there are a few instances you were in present:
I try to tell him, but I say nothing. Instead I look at this man in admiration.


And:
I tried to move away. But I can’t. Why?


Oh, also,
“I’m Kuro, Shiro,” the man continued, “and I’ll be your master and only one who you’ll ever love.”

This strikes me as being said in quite a rushed fashion. I imagined it being said in quite a slow, hushed, possibly seductive voice, so that way of putting the line struck me as a little odd. May I suggest?

I’m Kuro, Shiro.” the man said softly. “I’ll be your master...and only one whom you’ll ever love.

Though presumably he loves Hannah (wife?) and his daughter, so maybe "truly love" would be better?

As always, these are just my opinions. Take or leave them, your story will still be strong without any changes.
Hope this helps, and I really hope you write more!
Vampyre
That night she drew her swan breath in a bed
Made soft with all her razor blades,
That kissed her wrists with the romance you lacked.
As the hands that you’d kissed now dealt the trades






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Hey there! I really enjoyed this! I'm kind of a self-professed vamp/werewolf person so when I saw 'Vampyre's Horror' I had to check it out. Anyway, the story line was excellent. You did a good job developing your charachters and I liked the mystery you added to Kuro. Also, the guy vampire having a thing for the guy human was different and I thought that was pretty cool. Mostly what I would fix in here is grammar. There are a few spots in here where you switch from past to present tense and that kind of makes reading awkward. I think that this story has A LOT of potential and you could go so far with it. I understand the whole vampire/werewolf craze blues. I'm writing a novel and its all about a war between immortals and when I tell everyone what its about they all are like, "Did Twilight inspire that?" I'm like, "NOOO! It's MY own thing!" Anyhoo, this was wonderful and I can't wait to read more!
~Luxy :-D
...or dear Bellatrix, who likes to play with her food before she eats it?
Fear makes the wolf seem bigger.
I got attacked by a swan.




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I needed to stay alert in these types of places.
Alcohol helps you relax, not stay awake.

I ignored him, but I stole a glance back at him.
Um... I thought you just said that you 'ignored him' then you 'stole a glance back at him'? Confusing!

I felt him at suck my neck, as warm fluid flowed down my neck.


Nice job, this is entrancing and I can't wait to read more!! :D

Keep writing,
Alzora
"Just remember there's a difference between stalking people on the internet, and going to their house and cutting their skin off." - Jenna Marbles

~ Yeah I'm letting go of what I had, yeah I'm living now and living loud ~



I'm so confused I've Turned To erratic Capitalisation?
— JustMeBeingMe