Only time-Chapter one

I Also I'm not sure if Belle's grammar's right. Take that apart!This is a sci-fi/romancey thing but there's no catagory for that...ENJOY!

Maryland, May 6, 1900

" Hurry Belle!" My mother yelled,"We musn't be late!"
Why of corse not. Who would wish to be late for a dreary lady's party.
" Why of course not Mother."
I quicken up my steps to catch up with my dainty, auburn haired mother. We walk in silence. I cannot relate to someone so posed, so perfect. So unlike me. Anyhow, after what she did to me she deserved never to hear my voice again. I belive she thinks it is 1723, and not 1900.
"Belle!" my mother screams, a wild look in her blue eyes.
"What?"I give her a sharp glance.
"Y-Y-your..." her voice shakes, much like the rest of her.
"Mother?," I ask, trying to keep the annoyance out of my voice.
"A-arm...You...Ungodly force..." my mother mutters.
Exasperated, I glance down at my arm. Through the blue fabric of my dress I could see my pale arm. Through that, I can see the ground. I can't speak. I start vibrating. What was happening?
Suddenly, some invisible force picks me violently from the ground.Pain flushes through my body, and I feel all num and tingly. It feels like someone is stabbing me, over and over again. I'm raised high above our small town, miles above, soaring through the clouds.
"Belle," I hear my mothers voice, but it seems faint, like she's yelling at me through miles.
The clouds fade to black and I'm soaring through night. I'd be scared but it's hard to be scared of nothing. So dark...

Maryland,May, 6,2010 6:20p.m.

" Are you ready Jenkins?," my father asks.
Were standing in his dark lab. I can hardly see the man standing in the machine or even my dad himself. There's maybe six men in the five by eight room. There's a circular machine in the left corner of the room. A time machine. My dad had worked on this experiment for years. Since I was born, I think. It had cost him my mom and Grandparents. I hope he's happy. Turning my attention back to the experiment, a fellow scientist of my dad's gave a thumbs up. My dad flips the switch. Lightning ( so what if it was electricity) ran through out the room. The machine rumbled and the whole room shook.
"It's done," Dr. Nevence said.
Another doctor moved to open the door to the machine, when the lab door slid open. Dr. Jenkins stood their, grimancing.
"How?," my dad asked.
" The electrical charge must have been messed up," Dr. Jenkins said.
" But... ," the doctor near to the machine said," Someones in there."
We all moved in towards the machine, probaly in shock. There couldn't be anyone or anything in there. Could there? My dad opens the door, and a girl falls out. She's wearing a blue dress, from Victorian age I guess, that's long sleaved and crumpled. Her auburn hair was probaly in a tight bun, but is falling out. Her dainty nose is freckled and she's deathly pale. She was crunched up in a ball, so it was impossible to tell her height. My best guess would be around five feet by six inches. The girl might be 16 or 17, like me. Her eyes are closed and she looks like death. She can't be dead. It's impossible. My dad could never kill anyone. Dr. Nevence leans down and touches her fearfully. She stirs. There's plenty of sighs. No one here wants to be guilty of murder. It would mess with future experiments. Suddenly the girls eyes fly open. Their a shockily blue, like an electric current.
" My name is Belle Thorne." the girl says, her voice weak and sounding slightly British." May you please tell me where I am kind sirs?"


Sorry so short. Next chapter will be longer, promise!

I'm going to start by saying I'm right crap at reviews, which is why I never give them haha. But I'm bored and this one caught my eye. I really love the idea that you have. Of course, you've only given a small peak of it, but I'm sure there's a remarkable plot running through your mind. This leaves me wanting to read more, to find out who these people are and what will happen to Belle.

Be sure to use a spellcheck when you're writing, as there's quite a few spelling mistakes and grammatical errors.

" Hurry Belle!," My mother yelled,"We musn't be late!"

Just something tiny, but you shouldn't be putting a comma after an exclamation mark. Both of them are forms of punctuation, so just stick with one of them.

Suddenly, some invisible force shoved me violently from the ground. I was raised high above our small town, miles above, soaring through the clouds.

This technically doesn't have anything wrong with it, but when I think of the word "shoved" I imagine someone or something simply pushing a person. Maybe use a word like "pulled" or "captured". Also, try to describe how she felt as she was being lifted into the air. Here's something of what I would have written:
Suddenly, an invisible force overtook my body, pulling me violently from the ground. Breath in my throat, dress blowing in a way that would surely shock my mother, I was raised miles above our small town, soaring weightlessly through the clouds.

Were standing in his dark lab,

We're, with the apostrophe.

There's a circular machine in the corner of the room. A time machine. My dad had worked on this experiment for years. Since I was born, I think. It had caused him to loose my mom and loose touch with my Grandparents.

Wrong form of the word "loose". The word you want is "lose". Also, grandparents do not need to be capitalized. This whole thing seems really choppy to me. Try meshing it together, maybe like:
A circular machine is situated in the corner of the room, an experiment my dad had been working on ever since I was born. It had always been a dream of his to create a time machine, and it was that dream that had caused him to lose touch with my mother and my grandparents.

Turning my attention back to the experiment, The man, a fellow scientist of my dad's, gave a thumbs up.

"The man" doesn't really need to be in there. Unless you're saying that The man is the experiment? Just that way you worded this is a bit confusing. Also, "The" doesn't need to be capitalized unless, again, "The man" is the experiment itself.

My dad opens the door slowly. A girl falls out. She's wearing a blue, long, sleaved, Victorian styled dress. Her auburn hair was in a tight bun, but was falling out. Her dainty nose is freckled and she's maybe 5'7.

Again, I find it doesn't flow very well. Maybe try something like:
When my father opens the door our breathing stops as a girl tumbles out, clad in a long blue dress that, if my guesses were correct, would have come from the Victorian times. Sleeves cover her arms and her bright auburn hair is falling out of what was once a polished bun. Her face is young, her dainty nose freckled with kisses from the sun.
Rather than full out just explaining every detail about her right away, why not try to add the details as the story goes on. Perhaps mention her height once she'd stood up again, with the speaker comparing her height to his own?

Anyways, this was really nitpicky. But I do love love love the idea!!!!! Good luck, I vote that you should continue!

I'm not big on doing reviews, so I may not be good at this, but I'll try my best.

I quicken up my steps to catch up with my dainty, auburn haired mother. We walk in silence. I cannot relate to someone so posed, so perfect. So unlike me. Anyhow, after what she did to me she deserved never to hear my voice again. I belive she thinks it is 1723, and not 1900.

I'll start with the part I've bolded - This flow of these two sentences just doesn't seem right. By adding in the Anyhow, you ruin the way it's read and the flow of it. It would be a lot better if you wouldn't do that. It was going really good, but then you said anyhow and I felt like someone just jerked me out of what I was watching.

Second, try to describe why the mom never deserves to hear her voice, rather than just saying it and giving no explanation.

"Are you ok?," my mother asks breaking the silence.
"I'm fine." I give her a sharp glance," Why?"

Try to describe the mother's fear more in this part. I'm sure someone would be freaking out if they saw someone's arm disappearing into thin air.

Exasperated, I glance down at my arm. Through the blue fabric of my dress I could see my pale arm. Through that I could see the ground.

I think that at first, maybe you should have her not realize it, seeing that that's the more likely case. Then you could have her perhaps realize that she can see through it. But it's up to you.

"Belle," I hear my mothers voice, but it seems faint, like she's talking to me through miles.

Talking? Not screaming or yelling? Her daughter started turning invisable and then gets thrown into the air, and she doesn't scream? That just doesn't make sense to me.

The clouds fade to black and I'm soaring through night. I'd be scared but it's hard to be scared of nothing. So dark...

This is a really good sentence. I'm not sure why, but it definitely caught my attention.

" My name is Belle Thorne. May you please tell me where I am kind sirs?"

I think that with this you should add more emotion to either her voice, her actions, or her face. She seems to calm to me. She started disappearing, went through the sky, is in a room full of strange men. I don't see how she's this calm.

I also think it may help if you perhaps switch back to Belle's POV after this. Have her describe her thoughts and emotions about landing in the machine, opening her eyes to a room full of stange men in strange clothes, all the electronics around her, etc.

Overall, it's pretty good, but it could be better. I felt like you just rushed through it. But you did a good job.

Peace, Love, Write,
fictionfanatic

Haha it's funny how you both thought your reviews sucked. They actually both really helped! I'm going to continue this and hope you guys review chapter No.2! I did rush a bit because I was excited and it was almost time for bed. Thanks SO much! Club link:
viewtopic.php?t=72253

Heya!

I'm here to review, believe it or not. I'm in a nit-picky mood, so I'm going to be cool and nit-pick this for you. Hopefully, I won't be repeating everything that's already been said, and will be able to find some unmentioned stuff! As for the nit-picks, they'll just be grammatical errors an junk like that.

Maryland, May 6, 1900

"Hurry Belle!" my mother yells. "We musn't be late!"
Why, of course not. Who would wish to be late for a dreary lady's party?
"Why of course not, Mother."
I quicken up my steps to catch up with my dainty, auburn haired mother. We walk in silence. I cannot relate to someone so posed, so perfect. So unlike me. Anyhow, after what she did to me, she deserves never to hear my voice again. I belive she thinks it is 1723, and not 1900.

----- New paragraph here -----

"Belle!" my mother screams, a wild look in her blue eyes.
"What?" I give her a sharp glance.
"Y-Y-your..." her voice shakes, much like the rest of her.
"Mother?," I ask, trying to keep the annoyance out of my voice.
"A-arm...You...Ungodly force..." my mother mutters.
Exasperated, I glance down at my arm. Through the blue fabric of my dress, I can see my pale arm. Through that I could see the ground. Suddenly, some invisible force picks me violently from the ground. Pain flushes through my body, and I feel all numb and tingly. I'm raised high above our small town, miles above, soaring through the clouds.
"Belle," I hear my mothers voice, but it seems faint, like she's yelling at me miles away.
The clouds fade to black and I'm soaring through night. I'd be scared but it's hard to be scared of nothing. So dark...


Maryland,May, 6,2010 6:20p.m.

"Are you ready Jenkins?," my father asks.
We're standing in his dark lab. I can hardly see the man standing in the machine or even my dad himself. There's maybe six men in the five by eight room. There's a circular machine in the left corner of the room. A time machine.

----- New paragraph here -----

My dad has worked on this experiment for years. Since I was born, I think. It has cost him my mom and Grandparents. I hope he's happy. Turning my attention back to the experiment, a fellow scientist of my dad's gives a thumbs up. My dad flips the switch. Lightning ( so what if it was electricity) runs through out the room. The machine rumbled and the whole room shook.
"It's done," Dr. Nevence said.
Another doctor moved to open the door to the machine, when the lab door slid open. Dr. Jenkins stood their, grimancing.
"How?," my dad asked.
"The electrical charge must have been messed up," Dr. Jenkins said.
" But...," the doctor near to the machine said," someone's in there."
We all moved in towards the machine, probaly in shock. There couldn't be anyone or anything in there. Could there? My dad opens the door, and a girl falls out.

----- New paragraph here -----

She's wearing a blue dress, from the Victorian age, I guess, that's long sleaved and crumpled. Her auburn hair was probaly in a tight bun, but is falling out. Her dainty nose is freckled and she's deathly pale. She is crunched up in a ball, so it is impossible for me to tell her height. My best guess would be around five foot six. The girl might be sixteen or sevnteen, like me. Her eyes are closed and she looks like death. She can't be dead. It's impossible.

----- New paragraph here -----

Dr. Nevence leans down and touches her fearfully. She stirs. There's plenty of sighs. No one here wants to be guilty of murder; it would mess with future experiments. Suddenly the girls eyes fly open. They're a shocking blue, like an electric current.
"My name is Belle Thorne." the girl says, her voice weak and sounding slightly British. "May you please tell me where I am, kind Sirs?"

Overall

I'll start off by saying that I'm actually very fond of the overall idea of this novel. I think that the plot could develop into something really great, and it certainly does have some great potential. From what you've told us, and what you've written, I can tell that this isn't going to be a clichéd story. I greatly applaud you for that, pointe. You did have a few grammatical errors, but it was mostly tenses. I wasn't sure whether you wanted this in the past or present tense... I've edited it to present, but if you want past, then make sure that all of your words are past tense ones!

The first thing that caught my eye about this was Belle's reaction at the end. Someone else has brought this up actually, I think. She seemed awfully calm and relaxed after being thrown through the sky and transported into another time entirely. If it was me in her shoes, I wouldn't calmly ask the 'kind Sirs' where I was. I would be freaking out... Big time.

She's in another world, if you think about it. Wouldn't she be staring at all of the modern machinery? Wouldn't she be wondering what on earth the people around her are wearing? Wouldn't she be panicking over being in a room full of strangers, and scared about where her mother was? Do you see what I'm trying to say here? I think that you should extend the ending to show that Belle is clearly scared and confused because that's what a normal person's reaction would be like in a situation like this.

I do also think that this is a little fast paced, especially when Belle is flying through the air. It's like one second, she'd on the ground, the next, she's in the clouds. Fair enough, you probably wanted that transition to be fast anyway, but still, it came across as a bit odd to me. It's like you're telling us that she's annoyed with her mother, but you're doing so with dialogue at a very fast pace as well.

Gradually show us what's happening and how your characters are feeling about those things. A good way of slowing things down and stretching the whole situation out is through descriptions. Descriptions of emotions, surroundings, senses, any kind of ones. There aren't an awful lot in here, so I'd love to see you popping some in. By doing that, you won't only be making the story a bit more colourful overall, but you'll also be slowing things down a little. It's a win-win situation!

Negatives aside, this definitely does have some great potential, you just need to really bring that potential out. You've got a really good idea here, and I can see it going a lot of different places. It's both original and interesting, so if you take us reviewers advice into consideration and edit this up a bit, I can easily see this being one epic piece of writing! Your characters seem rather interesting, so really bring them out by showing us readers their emotions.

Keep writing,

xoxo Skins

Hey, Book here to review this chapter
Since the users have already pointed out the nitpicks, I'll just give my opinion then. Well, first of all, this story seems very different ^ ^ I didn't get how the girl was transported to the future. So maybe that will be more clearly in the chapters to come But other than that, I'm really curious about the next chapter 8D.

So I hoped I helped (even though I don't think I did >.>)
and I can't wait to read the next chapter.
Keep on writing.

Book Person

Hi! Pointe her as requested!

Maryland, May 6, 1900

" Hurry Belle!" My mother yelled,"We musn't be late!"
Why of corse not. Who would wish to be late for a dreary lady's party.
" Why of course not Mother."
I quicken up my steps to catch up with my dainty, auburn haired mother. We walk in silence. I cannot relate to someone so posed, so perfect. So unlike me. Anyhow, after what she did to me she deserved never to hear my voice again.
should this be poised?

I belive she thinks it is 1723, and not 1900.
why????
"Belle!" my mother screams, a wild look in her blue eyes.
"What?"I give her a sharp glance.
"Y-Y-your..." her voice shakes, much like the rest of her.
"Mother?," I ask, trying to keep the annoyance out of my voice.
"A-arm...You...Ungodly force..." my mother mutters.
Exasperated, I glance down at my arm. Through the blue fabric of my dress I could see my pale arm. Through that I could see the ground. Suddenly, some invisible force picks me violently from the ground.Pain flushes through my body, and I feel all numb and tingly. I'm raised high above our small town, miles above, soaring through the clouds.
"Belle," I hear my mothers voice, but it seems faint, like she's yelling at me through miles.
The clouds fade to black and I'm soaring through night. I'd be scared but it's hard to be scared of nothing. So dark...
NICE!

Maryland,May, 6,2010 6:20p.m.

" Are you ready Jenkins?," my father asks.
WereWe werestanding in his dark lab. I can couldhardly see the man standing in the machine or even my dad himself. There's maybe six men in the 5 by 8 room.
NOOOOO numbers!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! spell it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


There's a circular machine in the left corner of the room. A time machine. My dad had worked on this experiment for years. Since I was born, I think. It had cost him my mom and Grandparents. I hope he's happy. Turning my attention back to the experiment, a fellow scientist of my dad's gave a thumbs up. My dad flips the switch. Lightning ( so what if it was electricity)ran through out the room. The machine rumbled and the whole room shook.
"It's done," Dr. Nevence said.
Another doctor moved to open the door to the machine, when the lab door slid open. Dr. Jenkins stood their, grimancing.
"How?," my dad asked.
" The electrical charge must have been messed up," Dr. Jenkins said.
" But... ," the doctor near to the machine said," Someones in there."
We all moved in towards the machine, probaly in shock. There couldn't be anyone or anything in there. Could there? My dad opens the door, and a girl falls out. She's wearing a blue dress, from Victorian age I guess, that's long sleaved and crumpled. Her auburn hair was probaly in a tight bun, but is falling out. Her dainty nose is freckled and she's deathly pale. She was crunched up in a ball, so it was impossible to tell her height. My best guess would be around 5'6.
NO!! go back PLEASE and change this! and while I'm here, you may need to do a little research on what they wore in the 1900's cause I don't think your girl is perfectly accurate (its up to you)

The girl might be 16 or 17, like me. Her eyes are closed and she looks like death. She can't be dead. It's impossible. Dr. Nevence leans down and touches her fearfully. She stirs. There's plenty of sighs. No one here wants to be guilty of murder. It would mess with future experiments. Suddenly the girls eyes fly open. Their a shockily blue, like an electric current.
add something here like one of the doctors talking or something " My name is Belle Thorne." the girl says, her voice weak and sounding slightly British." May you please tell me where I am kind sirs?"

Overall, it needs work and definitely grammatical mistakes need to be fixed but this could be the start to an awesome book!

--> for the title problem: twist in time, Twister, Belle Thorne and The twist in time
thats all I can think of....

Hey, Crafty! Pink here!

The clouds fade to black and I'm soaring through night. I'd be scared but it's hard to be scared of nothing. So dark...

You can be afraid of nothing and darkness. Fear comes in various forms such as confusion, lack of knowledge, fear is can be everything and anything. If you want, she be 'numb' so scared that she's not sure whether or not she's really feeling anything at all, if you know what I mean.

I can hardly see the man standing in the machine or even my dad himself. There's maybe six men in the 5 by 8 room.

Try to write out numbers under a hundred to be on the safe side. Simply putting the number's symbol isn't very professional, especially when it's this low.

Turning my attention back to the experiment, a fellow scientist of my dad's gave a thumbs up. My dad flips the switch. Lightning ( so what if it was electricity) ran through out the room. The machine rumbled and the whole room shook.

You need to make your description stronger. I don't mind if it's short but you need to magnify it so it stands out and clutches your reader's attention. Also, I would lose the parenthesis there, no need for it and delete what is inside.

" The electrical charge must have been messed up," Dr. Jenkins said.

They seem to be intelligent men, yet why do I feel like the way they say these little things make them childish and unprofessional. "Messed up?" I'd try to change the words so it sounds better and more precise.

There couldn't be anyone or anything in there. Could there?

You have this thing where you split your sentences even when you don't have to. I would consider putting in a comma instead of a period here. See, short sentences are good, they're just as strong as long sentences but you have to learn how to balance your writing, when to keep them long and when to keep them short. These sentences are your flow, the voice of your story and try reading it out loud to see how it sounds. Every period means a pause for us, so don't over-do it with the periods and try some commas to blend your writing and thoughts together.

Her auburn hair was probaly in a tight bun, but is falling out. Her dainty nose is freckled and she's deathly pale. She was crunched up in a ball, so it was impossible to tell her height. My best guess would be around 5'6. The girl might be 16 or 17, like me. Her eyes are closed and she looks like death. She can't be dead. It's impossible

Seems to be over analyzing here, no? How does she instantly know her age/height? Will she tell me her weight next?
Forget how tall she is or how old she might be, just focus on the bigger picture. Her hair, the freckles are a good start. Don't need these extra details, you can just tell us she's in her teen years or something. Unless you want to be super-precise with these things?

" My name is Belle Thorne." the girl says, her voice weak and sounding slightly British." May you please tell me where I am kind sirs?"

Why would you tell a bunch of strangers your name? Why the formality? Even in this situation you can't do that, really. I mean, she's on the floor in a alien-room with strangers and she doesn't freak out? O.O I would.


I think you have an interesting story that is being put into play. The fact that you have a time traveling thing-a-ma-jig is pretty cool. I'm not going to say this was cliche even though I've seen time-traveling stories before because you still have ways to go to make this your own. This was very short, which means I don't have much to comment on since I don't know exactly what's going to happen. Although, you did a pretty good at capturing the attention with your opener.

Your story is very fast paced however. I think you should slow it down a bit and take some time to deepen the important parts of your story, such as the part where she's falling through the sky and try to give us some background knowledge on your characters. Right now, I don't have much connection with them and they're just different characters going through their life and I have no liking or disliking of them. My suggestion would be to bring your main protagonists to life with some characteristics. You did an okay job with the first part but the second character needs some work.

Overall, I did find this interesting and you have an idea where you are headed. If you have any questions, feel free to PM me about them.

All the best,
-Shear

Hey!Good writing skills!!!I can't wait to see the next chapter.Yup,it minght be a little bit too short.But I like what you are writing.Good job!!!Keep it up!!!(Pls write the next chapter!!!)