The Women Detectives chapter 1

*Now before I begin please know that I started writing this when I was about 6 or 7 years old so don't expect it to be a great book okay. I'm not going to completely derail this but of course I'll make a few changes here and there. Thanks for reading!

There once was three women. One's name was Shaunte, another's Jakeima, and finally Juliana. They were all in school together when they were young but now they're grown up and married with children. Juliana's husband is a rock star. They twins named Alex and Nicky and a three year old named Mary. Shaunte has a husband too. They have triplets named Lilo, Milo, and Shilo. Jakema had a husband and and a daughter named Ashley. The three women were detective's but hadn't been on a mission in a long time.
One day their boss called them and said,"we need you."
The three women said, "we'll take the job."
The boss said, "There's a man and woman named Jim and Sharyl they kidnapped the Robinsons's children." The Robinsons are the richest people in the city and were just featured in last week's newspaper. "They wrote a note to the Robinsons," the boss continued ,"it said 'If you ever want to see your children again give us 500,000 dollars'. "
"So where can we find these kidnappers?" asked Juliana.
"Sources say they are at the apartments on Main Street," he told them,"and guys be careful."
"Alright," Shaunte said as their boss hung up. "Where should we meet?" she asked the girls.

The next day they went to Main Street. "Excuse me is there a Jim and Sharyl here?" Juliana asked the man behind the desk.
"Yes they're in room 118," he said after he had checked his computer screen.
"Okay let's go." Shaunte said.
They walked up the stairs and got to room 118 and saw that room 116 was right next door.
"Alright tonight we should come back and rent room 116, then we'll be able to here what's going on in 118.
"Alright," Jakeima agreed.

Hello,
I've taken into account that you wrote this when you were little. I've posted a story which I had written when I was little, and lets just say....I thought that I was completely mental to have written such a story. I'll try to be considerate of the age you were and try to be fair. Well, here goes nothing:

There once was three women. One's name was Shaunte, another's Jakeima, and finally Juliana. They were all in school together when they were young but now they're grown up and married with children. Juliana's husband is a rock star. They twins named Alex and Nicky and a three year old named Mary. Shaunte has a husband too. They have triplets named Lilo, Milo, and Shilo. Jakema had a husband and and a daughter named Ashley. The three women were detective's but hadn't been on a mission in a long time.

Okay, my first problem is that there are way too many short, to the point sentences. I think that the simplicity here is making the story seem boring and sets a general pattern that this will be a short to the point story read to youngsters. Another point: It feels really repetitive..."husband"..."three women"..."They"...

Try to vary your vocabulary a bit more.

"had/have" <--Which tense are you in?<--- Did Jakema divorce? Become widowed? Enlighted here a bit please.

To improve this piece here, I would reccomend that you extend your characters. The reader knows that there are three women, each are married and with children. The reader does not know - the all children's age (This gives a general idea of family life ie. A family with a 16 year old daughter are likely to be very different to a family with infant triplets.). The reader also has a lack of identity with the main characters, so maybe a bit more info would help the reader paint the picture in their mind.

One day their boss called them and said,"we need you."
The three women said, "we'll take the job."
The boss said, "There's a man and woman named Jim and Sharyl they kidnapped the Robinsons's children." The Robinsons are the richest people in the city and were just featured in last week's newspaper. "They wrote a note to the Robinsons," the boss continued ,"it said 'If you ever want to see your children again give us 500,000 dollars'. "
"So where can we find these kidnappers?" asked Juliana.
"Sources say they are at the apartments on Main Street," he told them,"and guys be careful."
"Alright," Shaunte said as their boss hung up. "Where should we meet?" she asked the girls.

Feels...I'm not sure....too short and to the point. There's no banter, no description...just boring dialogue. Try to extend here a bit more...I am aware that you wrote this when you were young, but these are ideas to improve on if you consider picking this up again.

The next day they went to Main Street. "Excuse me is there a Jim and Sharyl here?" Juliana asked the man behind the desk.
"Yes they're in room 118," he said after he had checked his computer screen.
"Okay let's go." Shaunte said.
They walked up the stairs and got to room 118 and saw that room 116 was right next door.
"Alright tonight we should come back and rent room 116, then we'll be able to here what's going on in 118.
"Alright," Jakeima agreed.

Okay, this is a MASSIVE jump. In the previous part, were the three women discussing the job in the morning, afternoon, evening? I'm totally lost with your time line...
Problem....Being a detective ain't that easy as it seems. I'm thinking logically here, but wouldn't it be difficult to find the kidnappers? Since the children taken are wealthy, wouldn't the mass media know all about them? Meaning, they know who kidnapped the children - Jim and Sharyl - So wouldn't the kidnappers be more on guard? I doubt that they would tell their names to the reception if they are wanted by the police for a crime. And unless the women show their ID, reception is not allowed to disclose information about their customers to people at the front desk - which further confuses my poor brain...
Oh, I'd better stop there, but I think you get the general idea from this.

To improve overall, I'd suggest a larger vocabulary and more complex sentences. Not to mention to expand on your characters, setting etc.

I like your story, it interested me a bit, as I like detective stories, especially with female protagonists.

The story at the moment can't really be commented on for plot as of yet, as I can't find any instances of a plot yet...

Keep on writing this though, I think that it would become a great read if written right and lengthened.

Good luck writing!

Fantasydotcom

Fantasy was quite thorough, and I really don't have much to add. I do wonder why you decided to post this story now, and what you plan on doing with it. Did you post it just to share, or are you planning to completely revise it?

If you are planning to completely revise this, I suggest starting with an outline. Since you already have the first draft complete (I'm assuming), making an outline will help you set the main points of the story in place so that, even if you do make a lot of changes, you'll still have a clear idea of where you want to go. Another thing having an outline helps with is making sure you don't have glaring mistakes in your story, like with the receptionist telling the detectives where the criminals are. After all, as Fiction pointed out, why would the kidnappers tell the receptionist their names? And also, there are rules against receptionists telling people who is staying in which room for privacy reasons.

Doing a bit of research into what real-life detective work entails is also a very good idea. Aside from making your story more believable, you might even get ideas that you can use to make your story even better and more exciting.

Good luck with your writing.

Hi Unsociablebutterfly!
I remember the beginning part of this story from when you were younger and I love where the names of the characters came from!! I am wondering since you have been writing throughout the years and have expanded the story line if you have left the beginning paragraphs uncorrected or untouched purposely?
If you like...copy/paste me the whole story to my fb page so I can see how it unfolds and to see how your writing has progressed over the years!
Also, you have received great feedback and wonderful ideas on how to organize and expand your thoughts. But if you are purposely leaving it untouched to see the progression of your writing as you begin your life long writing journey that's okay, too! You're going to be a Best Selling Author one day! So keep working on it! Keep writing, revising and stretching your mind more and more with each page! =)
m.vargha~