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I wasn't going to do nitpicks but when I saw your tense work I couldn't help it. If you want proper nitpicks and such request in my WRFF thread as that it where I do the whole nitpick thing-o. This is very interesting none-the-less. I was pretty captivated, especially in the killing parts.

Blood seeping down his hands.

Getting confused with your tenses, Roal. Tsk tsk. If you do past tense keep it till the end.

Kallen stepped out of the opening and bang wall.

Same problem as above, past tense must be kept!

His red eyeballs locked on to Kallen as he gave out a horrible screech.

D":

“Yiiaaahh!” he pointed and dashed toward her.

-___-

Blood gushed out under her boots and went inside the sands.

D:< Ahhhhh!!!

Kallen walked back to the halls, back to the two doors. She grabbed her laptop and sat in between the two doors and logged back on.

Okay, here we go: before I rip out all my hair I'm going to explain to you about past tense as you seem to be having trouble with it. Past tense is where you record events that happened from the past. For example: Jaidon climbed that tree yesterday. You see what I mean? Whilst you, me' dear, are writing in both present and past tense. These both are a very bad combination and I'm terribly sorry but I'm very picky with my past tense so prepare to feel my wrath. That I've actually already given you.

Spoiler

Her fingers stopped as she muttered, “Elise, huh?”
Kallen stared at the black screen as she remembered those days with Elise. Wishing that she could go back to her old days.
“Kallen?” Lizarth asked as he came out from the left door. “Have you seen Chris?”
She heaved a sigh and answered, “Chris is gone.”
His stressed face had gotten worse. He frownsed in agony. “If only I knew!”
“Even if you knew, how would you save him?”
“I-I could have-could’ve.” He bitted his lips; the fresh blood began to stain his teeth.
“Don’t hurt yourself, how did it go?” she asked. Lizarth groaned and said, “She’s currently in the town of Cratis from the latest reports.
“Then let us go.” She closed her laptop and walked out of the dark green murky halls. She blinked her eyes in a total of three times as the center of her right eye turned green.
Locating position…
Position found.

Finding Cratis…
Cratis found.

Finding safest route…
Safest route found.

“I've found the safest route, are you ready Lizarth?”
“Yeah, I am, you forgot this Kallen.” He went back to the room, grabbed the two M1911 pistols, painted in white with a silencer attached to it, and gave it to her.
“Ah, thanks.” Kallen reached for the gun and holstered it behind her lower back. They then headed out the door. The outside was windy and dusty. Seas of sand drowned the ground.
“How could this happen in only two years?” Lizarth painfully said.
“She is moving quickly, perhaps she wants to get it over with?” she responded.
“Why would she want that?” he shook his head and went on. Kallen looked at him and although she already knew the answer, one of Elise’s teachings came up to her mind: “It is best for you to learn it by yourself, if you do not, then you will not learn.”
Kallen sighed and realizing, she grabbed his shoulder and pointed. “It’s that way, you’re about to walk to the Rif.”
Lizarth noticed and gave a sign of relief and proceed to where she was pointing. She look at the Rif, the place has already been cover by the sandstorm. Who knows how many of those creatures lurk within the Rif. And she would not want to find out. Her mission right now was to guide Lizarth to his destination.

A beeping noise began inside of Kallen's head. She went to check the map on her eyes. Kallen then stopped and said, “Feb, come in.”
…
“Yes?”
“What’s happening? The map is changing.”
“Something has moved over there, I don’t know why. That’s the spot where metal lays, there’s no way they can touch metal.”
Lizarth squinted his eyes and saw a figure; it stood there as if it’s was waiting for something. He began moving towards it in curiosity.

I couldn't finish I'm afraid. As I am busy, I need to go pronto but you get the idea. Just go through and change tenses, it's needed. Either just change to present as you keep falling back to it or stay in past as you're stuck between the two.

You did it again, Roal.

She blinked, her eyes in a total of three times as the center of her right eye turned green.

Comma.

Alright, this is to fast. You keep skipping through, you need to slow it down, a lot. The killing could've gone on for longer and even explaining things as to what the hell she was doing in the room. I think I've told you this before but you need to work on layering. This is VERY important. You need to add so much more as I am stuck into what you're trying to get across. Layering is a very good way to do this, so you really should.

Another thing I spotted was your character is rather weak (personality wise) and her reactions are not realistic. Okay, I suggest two things. Give you character a life. Make her more real, make her seem something other then a drone you just thought up for lolz. Think anime, each character has a distinctive roll. To me, she would pull off a great caring, air-head but also a rough "I don't take crap" kind of person. Work it this way, think of good 'ol anime. And for your other problem, if I fought a demon/monster (even if I had been doing it all my life) I would cringe. I wouldn't just wack out my computer and start typing. Make her human, give her fear.

Other then these problem, I don't think there is any other problems. My one advice to you is to layer, it will make it a lot more thorough. Good work none-the-less, again, I found this interesting. Tell me when you post more, m'kay?

Apple.

Hey Roal!

I think your new avvie is epic, by the way! I'm not going to bring up any nit-picks in this review because it's probably a lot better if I concentrate on deeper things... If you get what I mean... Plus, the only grammatical issue I can see here is about tenses, and I've corrected them in previous reviews, so hopefully, you can get an idea from them of what you're doing wrong and right. Plus, Apple seems to have explained it pretty well.

The first thing I want to say regards the title. Now, it's clearly up to you what you want the title to be, but I myself aren't overly keen on the 'Till part. I'd rather see it as Until, but in all honesty, it's up to you what you want to have it like. I just thought I'd let you know what my point of view on it is like.

Okay! I have to agree with Apple on the whole too fast thing... You said that you always do it with your novels, but the first chapter of The Bourreau and the Waltz Dancer was at a lovely pace. Because of that, I know that you can make the pace of this beginning great too. The problem with the pacing of this at the moment is the fact that us readers don't know your characters well enough to really get into the plot. I always like to get to know characters before all of the really important action happens. That way, we'll feel more connected to your story and I will guarantee you that you will be able to hook a lot more people in.

Another problem that moving too fast can cause is confusion. I will be honest here and say that I'm not 100% sure of what is going on exactly. The reason for this is because before us readers can grasp and really understand what you're telling us through your writing, you skip onto the next thing. That can have a tendency to make us readers feel a little disconnected to your story, so it's a struggle to really get into it. On the other hand, when you keep a steady pace, we can really grasp what's going on, making us feel as though we know your characters. More importantly, it makes us want to see what will happen next to them. Therefore, we will read on.

Thinking about that critique, it's annoying because I know that you can write your beginnings at a wonderful pace. I know this from what I've already read of your writing. Hmmm... Take a look at the beginning of The Bourreau and the Waltz Dancer, see what you've done there, and try and use that to help you slow things down in this. If you use the same pace in this as you've done with that, I can happily sat that the pacing problem will be solved. I know you can do it, Roal!

The only other critique I have kind of connects to the previous one anyway. It's that, at times, this story has a bit of a telling and not showing feel to it. Part of this reason is because of the pace of the writing. You're moving quickly, therefore, not giving that much time for descriptions and things like that. Don't just tell us that this happened, that she did this, that he did that. At the moment, this feels a little bit like you're doing that. You're hurrying into telling us what's going on without really thinking about your way of doing so. Make sure you give us readers the opportunity to understand and get into what you're showing us.

Negatives aside, I can see this with a load of potential. This isn't normally my kind of writing, but I have to admit that I'm quite well into this. There are many places where the story could go right now, which is great because it shows that what you're writing is original and definitely not predictable. That's something you appear to be very good at. Your grammar overall was really good, and although you are still struggling a bit with your tenses, they have improved since I started reading your writing. Keep it up!

Keep writing,

xoxo Skins