The Unicorn (contest entry)

Whatever doubts I may have had at the beginning, they all scattered like clouds from a warm, shining sun: the village before me was in dire trouble, with none to save it but myself! Another person may have passed it by without giving it a second thought; but I, a seasoned adventurer, saw the subtle clues right away: a slightly smaller number of children playing outside than usual, the large cloud that may or may not have been heading for the village and was just a few shades down into the "evil" category, and the wild-haired and half-clothed man at the front gates screaming words of doom about a spider queen coming to devour the village whole.

"Fear not!" I exclaimed, approached the doom-sayer, and bowed. "I, Griswick the Third, Slayer of Dragons, Rescuer of Damsels, and my trusty steed here, Bucephalus, will save the village from any such plight!"

"Oh, thank the gods for your arrival, adventurer," the doom-sayer spoke. "You are the village's only hope. I, Frederick, the village prophet, tried to get them to listen, but the men here turn a deaf ear to my warnings, and call me insane. If only they had seen the things I've seen..."

"Aye, my good man," I said. "'Tis foolish and disrespectful to ignore the village prophet, indeed. Now, tell me how I can be of help to you, and rescue you from your plight."

A quest! Surely news of this was already known at the capital, and so a torrent of other knights could have arrived any minute. But no, here I was, lucky as a clover. I came here first, so it shall be my name written in the scriptures of this town, and it shall be my bed the maidens will crave. Adventurers like I were ever busy, of course, but I found myself running low on heroic quests to complete and damsels to rescue. Especially after that very unfortunate incident of slaying the dragon at the Dragon's Maw cave. How was I supposed to know that the evil dragon had a good twin brother?

"Yes, yes... Foolish indeed, good sir," said Frederick, rubbing his hands. "Foolish indeed. Now, I'm afraid you cannot depart for the she-spider right now. I must first bring a unicorn to you - see, the spider queen is a damned spirit, and only with an object of absolute purity (incidentally, like a unicorn's horn) can you hope to destroy its black heart. No other weapon will have any effect. Stay your steed at the stable yonder by the inn."

"Unfortunate!" I boomed. "But tolerable. I will make to the village inn, then. Rest is of the essence to any practicing adventurer."



The sweet smell of beer and the bitter smell of sweat assaulted my nose as soon as I entered the inn. Chatting, laughing, singing... Those pitiful fools, drinking their lives away, callous to the doom that is most certainly upon them. Not only had the omens hung all about the village, but the prophet even spoke to those that were blind to the signs; certainly, this had to have been a village of dim troglodytes.

"Fear not!" I announced as the door closed behind me. "You, poor ignorant people, shall be saved from the wicked forest spirit by Griswick the Third, Slayer of Dragons, Rescuer of Damsels!"

All stilled for a moment as every face turned to me. No doubt they were admiring my polished silverite armour, my eyes that were like the ponds of purest clarity, and my hair that was like the rays of the sun. Aye, many a damsel fell for my dashing looks, only to discover the fiery soul of a poet beneath the earthly (dashing, but still earthly) trappings.

"H-Hey," said an obviously drunk man in hunter's rags, less a man and more a bear that someone tried to shave and gave up halfway through. "You gone and listened to Crazy Fred's ramblings? Did he tell you the one about the undead dragon?"

"No," I said. "The one about the spider queen."

Apparently that was the punch-line to some unheard joke, and the bar erupted with a wave of laughter.

"What?" I said.

"A spider queen," the half-bear said, choking on his beer. "Oh, oh-- that's rich."

"You'll thank me yet," I said, "as I bring back the severed head of the queen and the--"

"Sir, I'll have you stop that," said a shorter fellow by the hunter's side, who was now slapping the hunter on the back, presumably to knock the beer out of his windpipe. "You're killing my uncle here."



The beer, despite its deceptively agreeable smell, tasted awful in that place. The folk were friendly enough, but none took the threat of the queen seriously. It was always this way. You come into a town and listen to the prophet, and before you know it, you're the hero that listened while all others dismissed the prophet's sayings as crazed rambling. Having grown tired of the place's terrible beer, I left the tavern and waited outside.

I did not have to wait long. It must have been noon when Frederick the Prophet limped to the tavern, beaming at me like the true saviour that I was. Putting on an air of cool superiority, I turned to the prophet.

"Is the unicorn prepared then, Frederick?"

"Most certainly, sir," he crooned, and pointed to the gates. We started moving. "There, at a forest clearing, your unicorn awaits. But it will not show itself to you right away, no. It only lets itself be seen by one of a pure heart."

"I am of the purest heart there is!" I protested, shooting a glare at the mysteriously snickering guard at the front gates.

"So you've never had indecent thoughts about a maiden? Never wanted to slap an annoying beggar? Never slain the wrong dragon, perhaps?"

"Hey, that last one was an honest mistake! But still," I said. "You're right. How can I make my mind pure, wise prophet?"

"Ah, but I covered all that for you, good sir," Frederick said as we approached the forest right next to the village. "I have this magical potion here, which a wizard from the ivory towers of the northern kingdoms brewed specially for cases like these. It shall make your mind pure, and the unicorn shall submit to you."

"Isn't that cheating?" I said. We were making our way through a tight forest road, and I saw a small meadow in the clearing up ahead.

"It's cheating just as all other magic is cheating," Frederick said. "Besides, the unicorn isn't going to know the difference."

"Are you sure?"

"Just trust me."

We had finally made it to the clearing. There was a bushy area next to another tree-ranked path, and a house-sized stone protruding from the ground next to it. I thought I heard some distant snorting and the occasional neigh, as if from a large, mighty steed - perhaps even as mighty as my own Bucephalus. I imagined the mystical unicorn in all its glory, with its amazing horn of gold at the summit of its head. Truly a beast worthy of being mounted by me.

"Here we are," Frederick said, and produced a long vial with a fat round bulge at the bottom, filled with a transparent liquid. "Now drink this, and the unicorn shall reveal itself to you."

I did as he asked. The liquid felt very unusual on my tongue - at first it tasted bitter and runny, but the longer it remained in my mouth, the sweeter and more viscous it became. After three gulps, I began to see things for what they truly were: trees extended and waved their little leaf-covered hands at me, the sun shone rainbows instead of its usual boring white, and Frederick turned into an angelic apparation.

"I am pure-minded," I said slowly. "Whoa."

"Yes, yes," Frederick said. "Now-- oh! Horrible, horrible things! Leeches, vile serpents, sickening insects, all over your armour!!"

"Aaaaah!" I screamed, fumbling to get the devil-infested thing off myself. All sorts of unclean fauna dripped, crawled, and slithered about my once beautiful armour. "Has it always been this way, Frederick?! Have I always worn this-- this blasphemy over my most vulnerable heart?!"

"Yes, good knight," Frederick said, and added reassuringly: "But now it is gone. Be thankful that it had not eaten your soul. Ah- and here comes the unicorn. Behold its splendour! Behold its shining horn!"

The trees before me stepped aside and kneeled, making a passage through the forest. Through it, accompanied by the most colourful of lights, the most incredible of glows, stepped the mythical unicorn. Every hoof-step raised glowing faerie dust clouds, petals fell in slow motion around it, and little woodland creatures lined its path and kneeled just as the trees had, in deep reverence. And upon its head sat the spiraled spindle, shining brighter than the sun. Its purifying light bathed the meadow in a magical purple glow, and at its sight, I felt the love of the entire universe settle on me.

"Aaahh....." I managed to exhale, smiling stupidly and shambling towards the beast. "So... pretty..."

"But, sir Griswald--!"

"Griswick," I corrected and waved a finger at him. "The Third."

"But, sir Griswick the Third, pay heed! The unicorn is too great, too massive a beast to travel through the forest with you. It has come to you - it offers its horn to you to slay the spider queen. Take the horn, sir Griswald! Take the horn--"

"Griswick," I interrupted.

"...and seek out the demon-spawn in the depths of the forest!"

"Is that what I came here for?" I said, scratching my head. The scratching must have released some previously unseen creature there, for I saw a little flash. "Oh, I remember now. The unicorn... come here, majestic beast. Let me partake of your horn."

I reached for the glowing pillar and wrapped my fingers around it. They felt tingly from its magical power, its power of truth and love and justice. It moved freely as I shook it, and came free with one solid pull. I stared at the divine rod in my hands with wide-eyed, open-mouthed wonder.

"This shall slay the spider queen," I said, not believing myself, but believing myself at the same time. It was a most unusual sensation. "Can I keep it after?"

"Sure, sure," Frederick said, loading up my corrupted armour remnants on the now-hornless unicorn. I was just about to protest - after all, I adventured long and hard to afford silverite - when the wind whispered a story to me, reassuring me that this was how everything was meant to be. "If the unicorn's horn ever grows dimmer, just drink more of the potion. It means your mind is becoming impure, so you must purify it again. Now then, I shall be taking these to a -- a safe place. Best of luck to you, fair adventurer."

"Fear not," I mumbled. "I shan't disappoint thee, Meredith. Uh, Frederick."

For untold hours did I wander in the forest, asking wise squirrel chiefs for their counsel and resting by sentient trees, having conversations of universal importance with them. It was hard to believe that my mind had previously been so impure that I could not see these things. Surely, after I slay the spider queen with the golden rod in my hand, I must let the world know of this incredible drink. Every now and then the horn in my hand would turn dimmer, and with these times, the glass cask in my other hand would turn less full of the magical potion within.

It happened as I was inspecting a most peculiar mushroom with little chocolate legs giving fencing lessons to a nearby blade of grass. I stared at them with a smile, most fascinated, until they quickly skittered away. Right away did the forest go silent, and the very light around me seemed suddenly drained of life.

"Excuse me, mister," said a thin girlish voice behind me. "May I help myself to the mushroom there?"

Dreading the worst, I turned around. Inches from my face there clicked two mandibles the size of a forearm each, and eight horrible eyes stared down into the depths of my soul. I could not look away, like a rabbit hypnotized by the great tree-serpent's heavy gaze. Thankfully, the divine horn's glow in my hand broke me out of my trance. My eyes drifted down to the horn, and then back up to the spider-queen. I slowly raised it in a warning manner up to the beast's eyeballs.

"Back away, beast," I whispered. "I hold your doom in my hand here. Submit quietly and I will not carve foul words in your corpse after I am done with it."

"Oh no, mister!" said the spider queen, drawing back its mandibles, but still keeping two spindly legs above me poised to strike. "You've gone mad!"

"You dare mock me, you laughable thing?! I've slain dragons the size of a mountain, I'll have you know!" I roared, gesticulating wildly as to give the she-spider the exact impression of the dragon's size. "The size of a mountain! And you would think me a lesser creature than you, eh? EH?! I'll strike thee down!"

I rushed at the spider queen, but her hellish face swiftly eluded me. She thought she could run, yes. She could not! For before me now hung open an exposed black belly. Parasites crawled between the fine hairs, and each one mocked me with its.... its liveliness. Its alive-ful-...ness. I knew: I must kill the twisted creature once and for all. Thinking no more, I plunged the horn again and again into the furried abdomen until everything went black.



I awoke next to the great rock at the meadow, half-naked, when it was already evening. A ghastly headache throbbed in my forehead, and I tried to get myself off the ground. In one hand I clutched a glass vial half-full of a transparent liquid, and in my other, a broken-off stick with a ripped leather lace attached to it. I scratched my head then. I scratched it for a long time, all the while looking at the stick, as a thousand realizations forced their way inside my cranium. Had I ever left the meadow at all? Were not the shivering branches above me once the spider queen's pointed appendages poised to strike at my heart? Was not the dark rock before which I lay its furried abdomen? Was the unicorn actually my Bucephalus with a stick bound to its forehead?...

I would have scratched it even longer, were it not for voices coming from the path, from the side of the village.

"The pervert is here, pa!" I heard a girlish voice. "Right here, he tried to kill me! ...or worse-- take me!"

"I'll give that boy hell, sweetheart," I heard a voice grumble. The voice ever so slightly reminiscent of the hungry growling of a bear. "Just lemme at him."

Not waiting for the rest of the puzzle pieces to fall into the place - fearing that perhaps a certain puzzle piece is going to fall right on my face (repeatedly) - I dove behind the rock and listened.

They shuffled about the meadow for several minutes, with the girl's voice recounting a very colourful story.

"...and then, as he charged at me with stick in one hand and raging member in the other, I hit him right over the head with a big rock!"

As clouded as my judgment must have been, I was fairly certain that my member never saw the outside of its breeches while I was hunting the queen.

"That sicko," returned the growling. "I'll give him hell. Lemme at him!"

They searched for some more time before the girl finally came to the logical conclusion.

"Pa, I think I killed him and the wolves must've dragged the corpse away. Let's go home now."

Just to be absolutely positive, I waited for a few minutes until the only sounds left were the quiet whispers of the trees. They talked in their own language now, no doubt about things of universal importance. I came out from behind the stone and started down the path that lead back to the village. So it ends - the saga of Griswick the Third, Slayer of Dragons, Rescuer of Damsels. Maybe I will find someone to take me in for the night. Maybe I'll even be adopted by a farmer's family, where my hands, once so pure, will be chaffed by working in the fields all day. Maybe sometime the thief Frederick will be put to justice - God knows, I was powerless to do so now, or do much of anything, for that matter. Maybe...

My thoughts were interrupted by the distant sounds of hoofs hitting the ground. I turned, seeing a knight there, his silver armour shining with the gold light of his torch. An adventurer from the capital, judging by his armament. Just like the kind I used to have - the armour protected not only his flesh, but also his entire being from doing the work of the every-man. I never realized just how much I missed it before it was taken from me.

Yet at that point, by what felt to be sheer luck, I noticed that I was still clutching onto the half-full vial. A tiny sliver of hope appeared then - maybe not all is lost yet! Maybe this tramp that used to be Griswick the Third shall yet make his return to glory!

I leaped into the nearest mud puddle I could find and wallowed in it, like the lowest of pigs. I must, I told myself. I shall be sure to compose the most tragic of poems about a gallant knight reduced to wallowing in dirt later. Then, as the other adventurer got closer, I exploded onto the road before him, wild-haired, covered with filth.

"DOOM! DOOM! DOOM, I tell thee! A most horrid beast awaits in the bowels of this here forest, and my poor little village will surely be in its refuse pile before the next sunrise!"

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Horray for revisions! This is for TIGERSPRITE's Magical Realism & Fantastic contest. I've compiled all of the reviews and feedback I received, and I feel that this piece is now as polished as it will get. To SPRITE: This entry is ready to be judged. Regardless, I still appreciate reviews, and thanks to everyone who liked this enough to get this piece featured. Cheers to you, folks!

This was actually pretty dang hilarious. It got a little confusing in some parts, but I like how you show the narrator as living very much in his own mind. (Perhaps a little too much!) It reminded me of Don Quixote. And I must say the whole "unicorn horn" thing was....er....interesting. XD I loved this sentence:

' "This shall slay the spider queen," I said, not believing myself, but believing myself at the same time. It was a most unusual sensation.'

I entered the contest as well, but I fear mine's not half so original. Good luck!

Oh. My. God. I went to read this feeling all, um, 'critiquey', and ended up collapsing over the computer screen clutching my sides (ie: pissing myself laughing.) This was great! Although reading the descriptions about the effects of the 'prophet's' drink, I'm kinda curious about what you've been smoking.. hehe

Hi carbon! This was quite entertaining -- and not at all what I expected! I'm not sure what I did expect, but I don't think this was it. ^.^ Anyway, onto the critique.

...and the wild-haired and half-clothed man at the front gates screaming words of doom about a spider queen about to devour the village whole.

The repetition of "about" was a little distracting here. Maybe try something like "... and the wild-haired and half-clothed man at the front gates screaming words of doom about a spider queen intent on devouring the village whole. "

Surely news of this was already known at the capital, and so a torrent of other knights shall follow soon. But no, here I was, lucky as a clover.

Do you mean "capitol?" And by the way, I love "lucky as a clover." Did you make that up? I shall start using it. ^.^

Adventurers like I are ever busy, of course, but I found myself running low on heroic quests to complete and damsels to rescue.

This is an excellent example of something that I found all over the piece -- your tenses get slightly confusing. Is this in past or present?

The sweet smells of beer and bitter smells of sweat assaulted my nose as soon as I entered the inn. Chatting, laughing, singing... Those pitiful fools, drinking their pitiful lives away, pitifully not knowing of the doom that is most certainly upon them. The omens were there, the prophet spoke, how could they ignore these signs?

Another good example! What tense is this in?! Also, I am fairly sure that you're not supposed to capitalize after an ellipses (...) unless it is at the end of a sentence.

"Sure, sure," Frederick said, rounding up my moth-eaten armour remnants on the now-hornless unicorn.

What is Frederick doing, exactly?! I'm not 100% sure, but I think he might be putting the armour onto the unicorn's back. If I'm right... isn't that sacrilegious or something, putting something so dirty on something so pure? If I'm wrong... then what is he doing? I read this over quite a few times but I still don't get it. :/

I rushed at the spider queen, but her hellish face swiftly eluded me. But she thought she could run, yes.

This is rather nit-picky, but I don't like the repetition of "but" here... I found it rather distracting. I think you could take out the second one and just have that sentence start with "she."

"I'll give that boy hell, sweetheart," I heard a voice.

I think you need another word here... like "I heard a voice say," or "I heard a voice grumble."
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Well. Like I said before, this was really entertaining and original. Griswick the Third is quite hilarious! I (like Warrior Princess, apparently) was reminded of Don Quixote the whole way through. Have you read it? If you haven't, I recommend it. ^.~ It has the same sense of mocking as this piece does, and it's also about a crazy man who thinks he is a gallant knight and mistakes everything for signs of peoples' high esteems of him. Dear Griswick felt just like the Don. He is delusional, and foolish, and he's actually pretty creepy, but I like him anyway because he's just so pitifully clueless! Plus, his intentions are good. The story was pleasantly simple and witty and certainly made me smile. I was actually fooled in the beginning (until the second time our hero met with Frederick) and I thought Griswick would, unlike Don Quixote, actually accomplish something respectable. Maybe I was just being gullible though, because going back and reading it now I see that the thing is full of hints. Also, I loved the description of the hallucinations. ^.^ Very well done my friend.

The biggest problem that I had with the piece is the end. Okay, since I've said that I have to also tell you that the end was my favorite part. It's that "Aha!" moment that's really a groan moment... the circle has come full-turn, and I get the sense that it will keep turning and turning as more and more knights get pulled into the "trap." But my problem was with Griswick's action. I'm fairly certain that, like Don Quixote, his intentions are purely good and noble. He really thinks he's doing the best thing possible. So why did he decide to lure the knight into the trap into which he himself had just been lured? I'm not saying he shouldn't do this -- only that I'd like to see more of the reasoning that went into the action. He felt awful about what he did to the girl, didn't he? Why did he want to put her and others like her into the same danger? The answer (I think) is that he was more angry about the humiliation to his own reputation than he was about attacking the poor girl. So as revenge he wanted to humiliate another knight's reputation. But I'm not sure. I'd like to see more of the decision process.

Or maybe you want to keep his reasoning vague, so that the reader is left to ponder his motives (as I certainly have!). I still would like to understand his feelings in the end a little better. Obviously, he is shaken and angry, but he doesn't feel like the same person as he was before taking the hallucinogen. He is less cocky, more practical. For example, I don't think the pre-unicorn-incident-Griswick would have thought, "Maybe sometime the thief Frederick will be put to justice." He would have thought, "I'll bring justice upon that thief if it's the last thing I do!" (Okay, maybe he wouldn't have worded it like that but I think you get the idea.) I'm not certain if this change in character was intentional on your part, or not. It's just obvious enough to be unignorable (which I hereby declare to be a word!) but just subtle enough to seem like a mistake.

Also, as I mentioned in the nit-pick section of the review, there are a few tense slip-ups in this piece. I only pointed out the first two that popped out to me, but really the whole story is riddled with them, so I recommend combing carefully through the piece and correcting them all. If you need help finding them, let me know and I'll point them out to you.

Overall, I thought this story was delightfully witty... but it also had a slightly disturbing angle to it since someone who genuinely thought he was saving people ended up leading another like him to do the same. Mostly I would just like to see you either keep up his snarky cockiness throughout the whole piece, or make his change in personality be more obvious. Oh, and you may want to rate it.

Of course, feel free to let me know if you want to talk about any of the things I've said! I hope they're somewhat helpful. And I'm not sure if I should say this or not, but...

...good luck!

a

Okay. I'm back. ^.^

The end is so much better! I loved that paragraph where he is humbled by how ridiculous he once was. Really, it was perfect. I still wonder if you might add some more of his thoughts while he is waiting behind the rock... or at least mention that he felt too numb, too shocked, to think? It just seems a wee bit strange that he only reflects after the girl and her father are gone, and not while he's listening to her "colorful" story. But it's not really necessary, just a thought.

Anyway, I will now try and point out all the tense mistakes -- though I don't think there are very many. Either you fixed a lot of them, or they were never there in the first place...

Surely news of this was already known at the capital, and so a torrent of other knights shall follow soon. But no, here I was, lucky as a clover. I came here first, so it shall be my name written in the scriptures of this town, and it shall be my bed the maidens will crave. Adventurers like I were ever busy, of course, but I found myself running low on heroic quests to complete and damsels to rescue.

"Shall" is a modal auxiliary verb, and as such it doesn't really exist in the past tense. Think of "will." In the past tense you make it "would." ("I will go there after I am done eating." [present] --> "I would go there after I was done eating" [past]). I've heard people say that the past tense version of "shall" is "should," but that doesn't really work in all cases. Depending on what, exactly, you're trying to say here I recommend replacing all the "shall"s with either "would" or "should." Oh, and I've still got issues with that last sentence. >.< It's unclear if he always found himself running low or if he just found himself running low at the time of the story. It would make the most sense if it's the latter, in which case I would say like: "...but I had at recently found myself running low..."

...And I still love "lucky as a clover." ^.^

Those pitiful fools, drinking their pitiful lives away, pitifully not knowing of the doom that is most certainly upon them.

"Was," not "is."

"H-Hey," said an obviously drunk man in hunter's rags, less a man and more a bear that someone tried to shave and gave up halfway through.

This should be in past perfect tense: "...less a man and more a bear that someone had tried to shave and given up halfway through."

It must have been noon when Frederick the Prophet limped to the tavern, beaming at me like the true saviour that I am.

That should be "was," not "am," unless he still considers himself a saviour, which -- especially because of the new ending -- I don't think he does. ^.~

Surely, after I slay the spider queen with the golden rod in my hand, I must let the world know of this incredible drink.

Either this is in the wrong tense, or it's his thoughts. I think it's the latter, but I'm not sure -- if it is, I'd like to see some clarification of that. Maybe make it italic, or add a little "I thought" somewhere.

Not waiting for the rest of the puzzle pieces to fall into the place - fearing that perhaps a certain puzzle piece is going to fall right on my face (repeatedly) - I dove behind the rock and listened.

"Was," not "is."

Maybe I will find someone to take me in for the night. Maybe I'll even be adopted by a farmer's family, where my hands, once so pure, will be chaffed by working in the fields all day. Maybe sometime the thief Frederick will be put to justice - God knows, I was powerless to do so now, or do much of anything, for that matter. Maybe...

Again, I'm not sure if these are his thoughts or not. If they are, make it more obvious. If they're not, switch it to past tense: "Maybe I would find someone to take me in for the night. Maybe I'd even be adopted by a farmer's family, where my hands, once so pure, would be chaffed by working in the fields all day. Maybe sometime the thief Frederick would be put to justice - God knows, I was powerless to do so now, or do much of anything, for that matter. Maybe..."

A tiny sliver of hope appeared then - maybe not all is lost yet! Maybe this tramp that used to be Griswick the Third shall yet make his return to glory!

And again -- are these his thoughts or not?

I must, I told myself. I shall be sure to compose the most heartwrenching of poems about a knight wallowing in dirt later.

See, here you do it correctly. It's in present tense, but that's okay because you say "I told myself," which makes it sort of like a quote.

I hope that helped! Please PM me if you still have questions or comments... or, for that matter, if you just feel like it. ^.^

a

Oy, Corey.
Pink is 'ere.

"Oh! Oh! OH!... The gods themselves must have smiled down on this doomed hometown of mine today!" the doom-sayer shouted. "Heed the words of I, Frederick, village prophet: a foul fate befalls all those that turn their ears at my warnings!"

It seems like a lot of these 'shouts and exclaimed" are forced. Might want to tone down the use of exclamation marks here.

The sweet smells of beer and bitter smells of sweat assaulted my nose as soon as I entered the inn.

I think this reads so much cleaner if you replace smells with just smell. Smells isn't exactly 'plural' it's an action. I smell that, she smells this. The smells of cotton candy? Doesn't work for me.

Those pitiful fools, drinking their pitiful lives away, pitifully not knowing of the doom that is most certainly upon them.

I know the repetition of 'pitiful' was intended but it reads choppy.

"You, poor people, shall be saved from the wicked spider-queen by Griswick the Third, Slayer of Dragons, Rescuer of Damsels!"

I love how he has to announce his entire title and I also like his stupid cockiness.

Aye, many a damsel fell for my dashing looks, only to discover the fiery soul of a poet beneath the earthly (dashing, but still earthly) trappings.

Oh, goodness. *Swoons* XD

"No," I said. "The one about the spider queen."

I wasn't sure but you had a dash in between this before. Spider-queen.

who was now slapping the him on the back

???

The beer tasted awful in that place though the folk were friendly enough

Shouldn't there be a comma between these two? Preferably after place. Or you can separate these into two sentences.

Frederick said as we approached the forest right next to the village. "I have this magical potion here, that a wizard from the ivory towers of the northern kingdoms brewed specially for cases like these

You should change 'that a wizard' to 'which a wizard'.

"Aaaaah!" I screamed, fumbling to get the devil-infested thing off myself. "Has it always been this way, Frederick?! Have I always worn this-- this blasphemy over my most vulnerable heart?!"

I don't understand this part. :/

"Fear not," I mumbled. "I shan't disappoint thee, Kaiser Seahorse. Uh, Frederick."

I think you're overdoing the name thing by this point.

"Back away, beast," I whispered. "I hold your doom in mine hand here

*my hand here


Well, after reading this I thought it was funny, filled with humor and interesting little scenes. The nice thing about this was that you were able to keep your descriptions clean and it was nice to read and the flow kept me reading from this sentence to the next. I noticed that some of your other pieces were clogged with overused description and adjectives, this I felt was so much better and easier to read. I really, really liked it.

The sad part is, the hero learned nothing at the end but it was a dark tale. One that spun in circle and showed the devilish ways of human kind and well, it's true. Not everyone reaches redemption in the end and some people are darker in that way. I would have been a little bit disappointed if he were to walk away and learn his lesson but I'm glad this ended the way it did.

You character was such a twerp. His cockiness and arrogance was entertaining and enjoyable to read. Stories like this, which are epically cliche on purpose but bear an interesting lesson are hard to critique but the plot and everything was done on purpose. However, I'm interested in why you chose to do a spider instead of another insect/ animal. Was there a specific reason or did you just flip a coin?

Your grammar and punctuation was pretty good but as Azila said, you did have a couple tense slip ups and sometimes I was confused whether it was first person or third person because the way it was written. Some of the dialogue was hard to read because of the abundance of ellipses and exclamation/question marks. Though, overall it was fun to see the way your characters thought and how everything pulled itself together in this little tale.

Not much I can add to this without sounding repetitive. Hope this an alright review, lol. You did a great job, Corey. I *likes* this one.

-Pink

Tiger here to review for the contest! You've got a lot of reviews, but I'll find a nit to pick anyway! Comments shall be in bold.

carbonCore wrote: Whatever doubts I may have had at the beginning, they all scattered like clouds from a warm, shining sun odd example to use. The sun does shine through clouds, after all. : the village before me was in dire trouble, with none to save it but myself! Another person may have passed it by without giving it a second thought; but I, a seasoned adventurer, saw the subtle clues right away: a slightly smaller number of children playing outside than usual, the large cloud that may or may not have been heading for the village and was just a few shades down into the "evil" category, and the wild-haired and half-clothed man at the front gates screaming words of doom about a spider queen coming to devour the village whole.

"Fear not!" I exclaimed, approachedapproaching the doom-sayer,comma not necessary here and bowed bowing. "I, Griswick the Third, Slayer of Dragons, Rescuer of Damsels, and my trusty steed here, Bucephalus, will save the village from any such plight!"

"Oh, thank the gods for your arrival, adventurer," the doom-sayer spoke. "You are the village's only hope. The men here turn a deaf ear to my warnings, and call me insane. But had they seen the things I've seen..."

"Aye, my good man," I said. "'Tis foolish and disrespectful to ignore the village prophet, indeed. Now, tell me how I can be of help to you, and rescue you from your plight."

A quest! The doom-sayer hasn't said anything about a queust just. Surely news of this was already known at the capital, and so a torrent of other knights could havearrived any minute bit of a tense mix up there. But none had come, and here I was, lucky as a clover. I came here first First I came?, so it shall be my perhaps you could italicize for emphasis name written in the scriptures of this town, and it shall be my again, emphasize bed the maidens will crave. Adventurers like I were ever busy, of course, but I found myself running low on heroic quests to complete and damsels to rescue every now and then. Especially aftersince that very unfortunate incident of slaying thethatdragon at the Dragon's Maw cave. How was I supposed to know that the evil dragon had a good twin brother?

"Yes, yes... Foolish indeed, good sir," said Frederick Perhaps I wasn't reading closely, but where did the doom-sayer's name come from?, rubbing his hands. "Foolish indeed. Now, I'm afraid you cannot depart for the she-spider right now. I must first bring a unicorn to you - see, the spider queen is a damned spirit, and only with an object of absolute purity (incidentally, like a unicorn's horn) can you hope to destroy its black heart. No other weapon will have any effect. Stay your steed at the stable yonder by the inn."

"Unfortunate!" I boomed. "But tolerable. I will make to the village inn, then. Rest is of the essence to any practicing adventurer."

* * *

The sweet smell of beer and the bitter smell of sweat assaulted my nose as soon as I entered the inn. Chatting, laughing, singing... Those pitiful fools, drinking their lives away, callous to the doom that iswas most certainly upon them. Not only haddid the omens hung hang all about the village, but the prophet had even spoken to those thatwho were still blind to the signs; certainly, this had to have been be a village of dim troglodytes.

"Fear not!" I announced as the door closed behind me. "You,comma should be after the poor poor ignorant people, shall be saved from the wicked forest spirit by Griswick the Third, Slayer of Dragons, Rescuer of Damsels!"

All stilled for a moment as every face turned to me. No doubt they were admiring my polished silverite armour, my eyes that were like theponds of purest clarity, and my hair that was like the rays of the sun. Aye, many a damsel fell for my dashing looks, only to discover the fiery soul of a poet beneath the earthly (dashing, but still earthly) trappings.

"H-Hey," said an obviously drunk man in hunter's rags, less a man and more a bear that someone tried to shave and gave up halfway through. "You gone and listened to Crazy Fred's ramblings? Did he tell you the one about the undead dragon?"

"No," I said. "The one about the spider queen."

Apparently that was the punch-line to some unheardjoke, and the bar erupted within a wave of laughter.

"What?" I said.

"A spider queen," the half-bear said, choking on his beer. "Oh, oh-- that's rich."

"You'll thank me yet," I said, "as I bring back the severed head of the queen and the--"

"Sir, I'll have you stop that," said a shorter fellow by the hunter's side, who was now slapping the hunter on the back, presumably to knock the beer out of his windpipe. "You're killing my uncle here."

* * *

The beer, despite its deceptively agreeable smell, tasted awful in that place. The folk were friendly enough, but none took the threat of the queen seriously. It was always this way. You come into a town and listen to the prophet, and before you know it, you're the hero that listened while all others dismissed the prophet's sayings as crazed rambling. Having grown tired of the place's terrible beer, I left the tavern and waited outside.

I did not have to wait long. It must have been noon when Frederick the Prophet limped to the tavern, beaming at me like the true saviour that I was. Putting on an air of cool superiority, I turned to the prophet.

"Is the unicorn prepared then, Frederick?"

"Most certainly, sir," he crooned, and pointed to the gates. We started moving. "There, at a forest clearing, your unicorn awaits. But it will not show itself to you right away, no. It only lets itself be seen by one of a pure heart."

"I am of the purest heart there is!" I protested, shooting a glare at the mysteriously snickering guard at the front gates.

"So you've never had indecent thoughts about a maiden? Never wanted to slap an annoying beggar? Never slain the wrong dragon, perhaps?"

"Hey, that last one was an honest mistake! But still," I said, "You're right. How can I make my mind pure, wise prophet?"

"Ah, but I covered all that for you, good sir," Frederick said as we approached the forest right next to the village. "I have this magical potion here, which a wizard from the ivory towers of the northern kingdoms brewed specially for cases like these. It shall make your mind pure, and the unicorn shall submit to you."

"Isn't that cheating?" I said. We were making our way through a tight forest road, and I saw a small meadow in the clearing up ahead.

"It's cheating just as all other magic is cheating," Frederick said. "Besides, the unicorn isn't going to know the difference."

"Are you sure?"

"Just trust me."

We hadfinally made it to the clearing. There was a bushy area next to another tree-ranked path, and a house-sized stoneboulder protruding from the ground next to it. I thought I heard some distant snorting and the occasional neigh, as if from a large, mighty steed - perhaps even as mighty as my own Bucephalus. I imagined the mystical unicorn in all its glory, with its amazing horn of gold at the summit of its head. Truly a beast worthy of being mounted by me.

"Here we are," Frederick said, and produced a long vial with a fat round bulge at the bottom, filled with a transparent liquid. "Now drink this, and the unicorn shall reveal itself to you."

I did as he asked. The liquid felt very unusual on my tongue - at first it tasted bitter and runny, but the longer it remained in my mouth, the sweeter and more viscous it became. After three gulps, I began to see things for what they truly were: trees extended their branches and waved their little leaf-covered hands at me, the sun shone rainbows instead of its usual boring white, and Frederick turned into an angelic apparition.

"I am pure-minded," I said slowly. "Whoa."

"Yes, yes," Frederick said. "Now-- oh! Horrible, horrible things! Leeches, vile serpents, sickening insects, all over your armour!!"

"Aaaaah!" I screamed, fumbling to get the devil-infested thing off myself. All sorts of unclean fauna dripped, crawled, and slithered about my once beautiful armour. "Has it always been this way, Frederick?! Have I always worn this-- this blasphemy over my most vulnerable heart?!"

"Yes, good knight," Frederick said, and added reassuringly: "But now it is gone. Be thankful that it had not eaten your soul. Ah- and here comes the unicorn. Behold its splendour! Behold its shining horn!"

The trees before me stepped aside and kneeled, making a passage through the forest. Through it, accompanied by the most colourful of lights, the most incredible of glows, stepped the mythical unicorn. Every hoof-step raised glowing faerie dust clouds, petals fell in slow motion around it, and little woodland creatures lined its path and kneeled just as the trees had, in deep reverence. And upon its head sat the spiraled spindle, shining brighter than the sun. Its purifying light bathed the meadow in a magical purple glow, and at its sight, I felt the love of the entire universe settle on me.

"Aaahh....." I managed to exhale, smiling stupidly and shambling towards the beast. "So... pretty..."

"But, sir Griswald--!"

"Griswick," I corrected and waved a finger at him. "The Third."

"But, sir Griswick the Third, pay heed! The unicorn is too great, too massive a beast to travel through the forest with you. It has come to you - it offers its horn to you to slay the spider queen. Take the horn, sir Griswald! Take the horn--"

"Griswick," I interrupted.

"...and seek out the demon-spawn in the depths of the forest!"

"Is that what I came here for?" I said, scratching my head. The scratching must have released some previously unseen creature there, for I saw a little flash. "Oh, I remember now. The unicorn... come here, majestic beast. Let me partake of your horn."

I reached for the glowing pillar and wrapped my fingers around it. They felt tingly from its magical power, its power of truth and love and justice. It moved freelyas I shook it, and came free with one solid pull. I stared at the divine rod in my hands with wide-eyed, open-mouthed wonder.

"This shall slay the spider queen," I said, not believing myself, but believing myself at the same time. It was a most unusual sensation. "Can I keep it after?"

"Sure, sure," Frederick said, loading up my corrupted armour remnants onto the now-hornless unicorn. I was just about to protest - after all, I adventured long and hard to afford silverite - when the wind whispered a story to me, reassuring me that this was how everything was meant to be. "If the unicorn's horn ever grows dimmer, just drink more of the potion. It means your mind is becoming impure, so you must purify it again. Now then, I shall be taking these to a -- a safe place. Best of luck to you, fair adventurer."

"Fear not," I mumbled. "I shan't disappoint thee, Meredith. Uh, Frederick."

For untold hours did I wander in the forest, asking wise squirrel chiefs for their counsel and resting by sentient trees, having conversations of universal importance with them. It was hard to believe that my mind had previously been so impure that I could not see these things. Surely, after I slayslew the spider queen with the golden rod in my hand, I must let the world know of this incredible drink. Every now and then the horn in my hand would turn dimmer, and within these times, the glass cask in my other hand would turn less full of the magical potion within.

It happened as I was inspecting a most peculiar mushroom with little chocolate legs giving fencing lessons to a nearby blade of grass. I stared at them with a smile, most fascinated, until they quickly skittered away. Right away did the forest go silent, and the very light around me seemed suddenly drained of life.

"Excuse me, mister," said a thin girlish voice behind me. "May I help myself to the mushroom there?"

Dreading the worst, I turned around. Inches from my face there clicked two mandibles the size of a forearm each, and eight horrible eyes stared down into the depths of my soul. I could not look away, like a rabbit hypnotized by the great tree-serpent's heavy gaze. Thankfully, the divine horn's glow in my hand broke me out of my trance. My eyes drifted down to the horn, and then back up to the spider-queen. I slowly raised it in a warning manner up to the beast's eyeballs.

"Back away, beast," I whispered. "I hold your doom in my hand here. Submit quietly and I will not carve foul words into your corpse after I am done with it."

"Oh no, mister!" said the spider queen, drawing back its mandibles, but still keeping two spindly legs above me poised to strike. "You've gone mad!"

"You dare mock me, you laughable thing?! I've slain dragons the size of a mountain, I'll have you know!" I roared, gesticulating wildly as to give the she-spider the exact impression of the dragon's size. "The size of a mountain! And you would think me a lesser creature than you, eh? EH?! I'll strike thee down!"

I rushed at the spider queen, but her hellish face swiftly eluded me. She thought she could run, yes. She could not! For before me now hung open an exposed black belly. Parasites crawled between the fine hairs, and each one mocked me with its.... its liveliness. Its alive-ful-...ness. I knew: I must kill the twisted creature once and for all. Thinking no more, I plunged the horn again and again into the furried abdomen until everything went black.

* * *

I awoke next to the great rock at the meadow, half-naked, when it was already evening. A ghastly headache throbbed in my forehead, and I tried to get myself off the ground. In one hand I clutched a glass vial half-full of a transparent liquid, and in my other, a broken-off stick with a ripped leather lace attached to it. I scratched my head then. I scratched it for a long time, all the while looking at the stick, as a thousand realizations forced their way inside my cranium. Had I ever left the meadow at all? Were not the shivering branches above me once the spider queen's pointed appendages poised to strike at my heart? Was not the dark rock before which I lay its furried abdomen? Was the unicorn actually my Bucephalus with a stick bound to its forehead?...

I would have scratched it even longer, were it not for voices coming from the path, from the side of the village.

"The pervert is here, pa!" I heard a girlish voice. "Right here, he tried to kill me! ...or worse-- take me!"

"I'll give that boy hell, sweetheart," I heard a voice grumble. The voice ever so slightly reminiscent of the hungry growling of a bear. "Just lemme at him."

Not waiting for the rest of the puzzle pieces to fall into the place - fearing that perhaps a certain puzzle piece is going to fall right on my face (repeatedly) Hmm? Maybe I'm a little tired, but I don't get this part- I dove behind the rock and listened.

They shuffled about the meadow for several minutes, with the girl's voice recounting a very colourful story.

"...and then, as he charged at me with stick in one hand and raging member By his member do you mean his...well, why would he have had that in his hand? Wasn't he holding a bottle or something? in the other, I hit him right over the head with a big rock!"

As clouded as my judgment must have been, I was fairly certain that my member never saw the outside of its breeches while I was hunting the queen.

"That sicko," returned the growling. "I'll give him hell. Lemme at him!"

They searched for some more time before the girl finally came to thea logical conclusion.

"Pa, I think I killed him and the wolves must've dragged the corpse away. Let's go home now."

Just to be absolutely positive, I waited for a few minutes until the only sounds left were the quiet whispers of the trees. They talked in their own language now, no doubt about things of universal importance. I came out from behind the stone and started down the path that lead back to the village. So it ends - the saga of Griswick the Third, Slayer of Dragons, Rescuer of Damsels. Maybe I will find someone to take me in for the night. Maybe I'll even be adopted by a farmer's family, where my hands, once so pure, will be chaffed by working in the fields all day. Maybe sometime the thief Frederick will be put to justice - God knows, I was powerless to do so now, or do much of anything, for that matter. Maybe...

My thoughts were interrupted by the distant sounds of hoofs hitting the ground. I turned, seeing a knight there, his silver armour shining with the gold light of his torch. An adventurer from the capital, judging by his armament. Just like the kind I used to have - the armour protected not only his flesh, but also his entire being from doing the work of the every-man. I never realized just how much I missed it before it was taken from me.

Yet at that point, by what felt to be sheer luck, I noticed that I was still clutching onto the half-full vial. A tiny sliver of hope appeared then - maybe not all is lost yet! Maybe this tramp that used to be Griswick the Third shall yet make his return to glory!

I leaped into the nearest mud puddle I could find and wallowed in it, like the lowest of pigs. I must, I told myself. I shall be sure to compose the most tragic of poems about a gallant knight reduced to wallowing in dirt later. Then, as the other adventurer got closer, I exploded onto the road before him, wild-haired, covered with filth.

"DOOM! DOOM! DOOM, I tell thee! A most horrid beast awaits in the bowels of this here forest, and my poor little village will surely be in its refuse pile before the next sunrise!"

All in all, this was hilarious. Really very funny. And apart from a few tense problems (I think I've pointed them out) there isn't really anything wrong with it. It was very well written, it was funny, it was entertaining and it was interesting.

In relation to the contest:

The reference to the unicorn was mostly in the beginning, but it was significant enough throughout the story, so I can't fault you in that point.

Anyway, great job, and KEEP WRITING!

TIGERSPRITE

P.S. The contest results will be announced tomorrow.

That was FUNNY! I really liked how you wrote him, so intent on helping a village, seemingly ignoring his dragon mistake, and totally conceited at the same time. He prances around, all high and mighty, and then he's reduced to wallowing in dirt to try to get himself back to where he was.
It's also a perfect example of a vicious cycle...I'm afraid to say that's it's a little obvious that he's going to be scammed, but it's cool the way you went about it. I thought he would just be made a fool of, but then the "prophet" takes off with his armor, and he's drinking some hallucinagen. And, of course, you see that he takes the place of the "prophet," and it's obvious that he's going to scam the other knight out of his armor and horse, like what happened to him. I do wonder what "adventure" he's going to send this other knight on, though...
Overall, I was reminded of a story my brother told me about a guy he knew. This guy was shroomin' right before class and thought all the letters were falling out of his history book. All of a sudden, you just see this guy try to scoop something up and dump it on the pages, and try to arrange it all into sentences. Kept asking my brother if the letters were crooked.
Like I said, very funny. I haven't had a good laugh in days, and that was just the thing. Keep writing, it was amazing, and very original.

This was very funny and it had a nice flow to it. It was kind of pointless though except for making people laugh.

Wow, I was actually thoroughly impressed. I thought you brought a lot of creative aspect to the table. Your voice in your writing certainly has talent. In the beginning paragraph, I thought that you might want to add more descriptions of your setting. I get that you're in a village, but you have to explain more details. More narrative is good! Also, I probably had no idea what your first little section was all about. It was a little sudden, and a bit too quick. I don't know if your contest has any word limit to it, if that's why it's so short, but it is pretty short.
The conversation between the first person and Frederick is a little short, and a bit too brief. I hope this review helped.

very good piece- i liked it. Some parts were confusing, but this story was good ! (: I liked the Ash story better. You are SUCH a good writer- please PM me so that we can work on our pieces- hey, maybe you can be my tutor ! (: I rly thought that Inside of a Star was good, but srsly, PM so that we can talk about my work because this is my 2nd novel and my first one is rly different compared to Inside of a Star ! But I rly like your stories, not to mention this one !!!! Keep writing =]

I like how the writing flowed easily in most parts. It was an enjoyable read as well as extremely entertaining. I thought it was very original and it had a lot of amazing figurative language. Eh... sorry I'm not a good reviewer. All I have to say is that I really liked it and I admire your skills as an author. The narrator was a very fascinating charcter, and it made the story a lot more interesting because the narrator was so caught up with himself. I find that characters such as those often have a lot of potential especially in comedy tales.

An overall great read!

It won't get you the Pulizter Prize but i laughed my ass of with this!!

You got your inspiration from DOn quixote i wonder?

Wow! Great writing! I'm inspired! It's a great piece and I hope to read more funny writings as well! Everyone else has pretty much said how to improve it so I'm sort of at a loss for words to critique. But...

Very hilarious it has made my day. I love the way you write even though it was a little confusing because I read fast and had to reread a few sentences (with the ones about the tenses as someone else already critiqued about).
I hope you are posting more writings soon?