Wings (revised)

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Hi! I'm back. This may just be because you just did a lot of editing and rewriting, but there were a few awkward phrases and strange punctuation issues and such. I'm not going to dwell on them because I think those are the kind of thing you can fix on your own (though I do suggest you look into the rules for punctuating dialogue), but I would like to call a few things to your attention:

The woman scowls and begins to open her mouth to say something, but their eyes meet for a second, she sees the anxiety in Rachel’s expression and decides against it.

This reads a bit awkwardly, in my opinion.It just feels like there's too much information for one sentence. I would split it up, if I were you, making something-like-but-not-necessarily: "The woman scowls and begins to open her mouth to say something, but their eyes meet, and for a second she sees the anxiety in Rachel’s expression. She shuts her mouth and passes without saying a word."

Rachel knows he would have been like this all day.

Hm... I think if you use the word "would" in a sentence like this, you also need an "if" part of the sentence as well (like "Rachel knows he would have been like this all day if it was up to him."). On the other hand, you could always just say something like "Rachel knows he has been like this all day."

Rachel walks in and sits by the bed. For a moment Pete doesn’t realise she is there. She coughs and Pete turns his head, smiling excitedly when he sees who it is that has come to see him.

This is a pet-peeve of mine: in general, try not to write the character names unless you have to. It breaks up the flow (for me, anyway). In this case, there are only two characters present -- and one is male and one is female! So if you just call them "he" and "she" you'll be fine.

Pete stops smiling suddenly and his brow furrows; a sign that he is thinking about something serious...

and then, later:

Rachel gathers her thoughts and wrinkles her nose, a sign she is about to say something serious...

I'm not complaining about this -- on the contrary, I like it a lot! It's a nice parallel between the characters.

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I liked the overall structure of this version much better than the last. The introduction of Rachel walking into the hospital really set a great mood for the whole piece. It gives me the feeling that Rachel really hates being there (who wouldn't?!) which lets the reader know that whatever reason she has for coming must be a really good one. And it also made the scene with Pete feel like more of a climax, since it had that whole part leading up to it. I'm a little disappointed that it isn't completely dialogue anymore, but I'll live.

I'm still a little frustrated with the Rachel character, and her decision. Now that the whole piece isn't just dialogue and the narrative spends some time in her head, it feels weird to me that we learn about her whole conflict when she says it. I'm not saying that you have to explicitly say what she is thinking about visiting Pete, but I think there should be a bit more foreshadowing. For example, when she is entering the hospital you could say something about how many times she had been there lately and how she felt guilty about coming, and wanted to force herself not to come back.

Also, I like the idea of the Grandma, and I absolutely think you should keep it, but it's also a little misleading. You mention that she thinks about that, but not so much about Pete -- which makes it seem like when she is visiting Pete she is thinking more about her grandmother than she is about the kid she's visiting. (That was a terribly-worded sentence, but hopefully you know what I mean). Why don't I give an example? Okay, after she asks him if he remembers the accident, and he replies “Um…no, I just remember you carrying me.” then they lapse into silence. Because of the context, I was expecting her flashback to have something to do with the accident. But it didn't. It was about Grandma. I understand that you want to be vague about the accident, but I think in order to pull that off you will need to have a little bit more information about it. Show us (through her thoughts) how Rachel feels about the accident, rather than just telling it to us in her speech.

In summary, my problem with the piece is this: you've moved a lot of the story into Rachel's head, and added flashbacks and such, all in an effort to make the piece feel more story-like and less scene-like (or that's my take on it, anyway), but it's still just as vague as it was in the other (all-dialogue) version. Basically, if we're going to be inside your character's head, listening to her thoughts, it feels weird not to know about the main point of her visit. I obviously don't know the exact reasoning you had behind changing the format, but I assume it's to give the readers a better understanding of Rachel's character. And you've done that. But I still feel like there's part of her missing, and it just happens to be the part that's most central to the story.

Anyway, it's rather late so I'm not sure if I'm making sense, but I hope I am! I am still firmly of the opinion that this piece has a lot of potential (and I still love Pete!) but I also still think it has a little ways to go.

I hope that helped! Please PM me or post on my wall if I was unclear about anything or if you want to argue with me or if you want me to look at another version. :)

a

Hello, I've come to give you my review. I hope it can be of some help!

First off, I'm not so sure about the title. I used to love to have one word titles because I thought it was more profound or something, but it is risky. There were two things I thought of when I first read the title: the TV show "Wings" and the band of the same name. That's not exactly the impression you want to give right off the bat, so I suggest you add something more so it separates itself. Just a suggestion.

Rachel is late; visiting time is nearly over. She rushes through the hospital'sautomatic doors of the hospital, narrowly avoiding an elderly lady with a pained look on her face coming the opposite way. The woman scowls and begins to open her mouth to say something, but their eyes meet for a second, she sees the anxiety in Rachel’s expression and decides against it.

The woman at the reception says ‘Hello, how may I help you?’ far too enthusiastically, like one of those pull-string toys that only say a handful of phrases. Rachel imagines a child under the desk having to pull the long cord every time someone approaches the reception and she smiles to herself.

Semicolon as there are two independent clauses. When you are attempting to indicate rushing or going quickly, your sentences should be as least weighed-down as possible. I think "of the hospital" weighs it down more than the way I've changed it.

I struckout that part in the second paragraph because I think we can gather what you mean by the second sentence of that paragraph.

Rachel makes her way to the lifts. There are three lifts in the hospital. Stuck to the doors of the first lift is a sheet of paper with ‘out of order’ scrawled on it in childish handwriting. Inside the second is a fold out ‘Danger! Wet floor!’ sign and what appears to be vomit, of varying colour and density, covering most of the floor. The third lift arrives at the ground floor with a ‘ping’ and the doors open. People spill out, urgently pushing past each other as if they can’t bear one more minute in the building. Each second brings them closer to sickness; they can feel it slowly filling their lungs, smothering their skin, infecting their entire bodies; they can feel the bacteria entering through their pores, tumours growing in their brains, cancer eating away at their organs; if they don’t get out right now they will disintegrate where they stand, they will deflate and dissolve into a putrid puddle of flesh and bone.

There is one man left standing in the lift. He doesn’t look at Rachel and instead coughs and splutters into a grimy looking handkerchief. I’ll just take the stairs, she thinks.

This is lovely. I have one complaint and that is Rachel takes the stairs. It would be great to see her take the elevator with the man! It would really be a great opportunity to characterize her. What I really, really suggest you do is take that whole part about people hating sickness and apply it to Rachel instead of people in general. I think that would really make her a more round character (as opposed to flat). It may make us disprove of her a little bit more, but who could blame her?! And besides, it will show how much more she is willing to go through to see this patient.

When Rachel gets to the ward Pete is awake and sitting up in bed. Instead of going in immediately she stands by the entrance and watches him; he is staring out the window. Rachel knows he would have been like this all day. If left by himself he just stares out the window, lost in a maze of daydreams. No, lost is the wrong word. He would willingly stay like that for hours; finding new pathways, new routes; exploring his imagination.

You should probably make sure we know Pete is a kid right off the bat here (he is a kid right?).

“Good, thanks.” Pete stops smiling suddenly and his brow furrows; a sign that he is thinking about something serious, “I saw a boy pulling the wings off a fly today. It made me think of you.”

“Pete, that’s gross,” Rachel laughs, “Why would you say that?”

“He didn’t do it on purpose. It wasn’t his fault. It was wriggling around too much. They just came off.”

“Oh, ok.”

I think it would much more powerful for Rachel to say nothing there. Let us breathe in the despair of the hospital setting a little bit.

“I imagined the sound in my head; ‘pop’. Do you think they grow back? Do you think they have spare wings? I think they do, he’d have a spare pair, maybe not his best, not his favourite, they were gone, he’d have to use the raggedy pair with a hole in one side that are one size too big. He’d have to stop every five minutes to readjust them. It’d take him ages to fly home, his mum would be worried: ‘Where is Lenny?’ she’d think, that’s his name, Lenny, ‘Where is Lenny? I was expecting him home an hour a go, his tea’s getting cold.’ And he’d come through the door, wings all in a mess, out of breath, tears in his eyes, ‘I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I can’t believe I lost them, it’s all my fault.’ The wings were a birthday present from his Nan who-”, Rachel resisted the urge to butt in, not that it would matter, she was invisible to him right now, “- got the ones with the red stripe across the back, he’d been asking for them for weeks, and now he’d lost them, stupid, stupid, stupid, all because he wasn’t looking where he was going and went straight into this wet patch on the floor. The boy didn’t even mean to. He was trying to help, but the wings just ‘pop’ came off. It made me think of you.”

“Do you want me to get you anything? Are you hungry?”

No need to get into Rachel's head right here. If Pete has this long of a story and Rachel hasn't interrupted already, then we know she is resisting that possible urge. Especially when she says her next line, which I love by the way. I really suggest omitting the line I struckout in my previous comment because then that would be two times Rachel completely avoids Pete thinking about her in such a way, which I really think she would want to avoid.

“No, I’m ok.”

“Ok. I brought you a present.”

“A present! Where is it? Can I have it now?”

A small suggestion. Slow it down here. After he answers that he doesn't want food, bring in something that reminds Rachel she's in a hospital. Perhaps another patient or an intercom. I think going slow here will really dramatize the scene.

“Wait,” Rachel takes the rectangle box out of her bag and places it in his outstretched palm, “Ok, now.”

“Wow! Thanks Rachel!” he smiles at her fondly, “red is my favourite colour: my bedroom is red and my schoolbag is red and the planet Mars is red and strawberries are red and tomatoes are red an-”

“Yes, I know, I thought you would like them. Do they remind you of anything?”

“My mum always told me to make sure I tie my shoe laces properly but instead I would tuck my shoe laces into my shoes, and she would say ‘one day you will have an accident because your shoe laces aren’t tied properly and you will hurt yourself’ but I would always tuck my shoe laces into my shoes because it’s easier.”

It took me way too long to figure out they were shoes. We should know this from the start. It doesn't do anything to withhold that information but confuse the reader. It's just as powerful to know that they are shoes two or three paragraphs earlier. In that case, I would suggest Rachel interrupt him with another line, seeing as the one you have now seems to have the purpose of introducing the fact that they are shoes.

“Wow, umm, that’s an interesting dream.” Rachel gathers her thoughts and wrinkles her nose, a sign she is about to say something serious, “look Pete, I’ve been coming here to try and explain…um… do you know why I visit you every day?”

“My mum says you shouldn’t come here and that it’s ‘all her fault’ and ‘hasn’t she done enough damage’ but I like it when you visit. You’re the only one that listens.”

That response from Rachel is boring and doesn't say anything about her. I see she wants to move on to another topic, so I think it would be best for her deflect the dream in a different way than just to call the dream interesting.

Also, there is really one glaring thing here. By this point, we realize that Rachel was somehow involved in Pete's accident. If his mother, who would be an authority with the hospital figures over who gets to visit her child, didn't want Rachel to visit Pete, it simply wouldn't happen. There is no way any hospital would allow that. You'll have to find some way around that.

“So”, tears spring to Rachel’s eyes, “tell me more about this fly with no wings.”

I do really like this ending, and if you take my advice earlier on about her avoiding the wings twice, then this becomes even more powerful that she now wants to know about it.

Nice work! I enjoyed most of Pete's blathering, which I felt made him a stronger character. The talk about Rachel's grandmother is okay, but I think if you put in some more ideas of how much she hates hospitals, then it will make the whole scene more potent. Feel free to ask me any other questions!