Nap Interrupted

This is supposed to be funny, and is actually something that has happened to me before. I wasn't going for any particular poetic style but any reviews y'all might give will be appreciated. Thanks!



A resounding tone, the splinter of a cell,
Intrudes on my nap like a visitor from hell.
I rush to the door,
Grab my bag and keys as I go.
I’m already late,
My car and I come to blows.
Gone are the times where I can rest on my means.
Now I must think and plan to earn my beans.
Jack had it easy,
His lofty future fulfilled;
The battle won, and
The cumbersome giant killed.
These days plans are in order—terror of the mind.
Who wants to think? It’s more fun to be blind.
The current shifts,
Tosses me about,
Lifts my tangled hair,
Spins it like a spout.
Sends my papers scattered and mangled
To their deaths on the ground. I pick them up,
Brush off my wounded pride.
Remember I left my coffee cup
On the top of my car—
Three miles down the road—
And sigh.

This is very well done. The last part about the coffee cups just makes the poem!! You're an awesome poet! Good job and keep writing!

Hey there!

Overall, I liked this poem. It's cute and humorous without trying too, too hard. However, I do have a nitpick. There is a spot or two where my first impression is that a particular line was chosen simply because it rhymes. However, I know that that is not the case upon second glance. I think that maybe it's because the similes and metaphors are offbeat, which is a good thing. So I guess my main suggestion is just to consider what you're trying to communicate with your literary devices. Other than that, good job!

---Sporks

Hmm... for some reason, I really didn't find this funny! I think it hits a bit too close to home and stuff. Still! It starts off as a potentially funny poem, with its comparisons with you and Jack, etc. However, you don't really continue the ridiculousness of the comparison and instead it gets moodier and more serious. Mind you, it doesn't turn into a sob fest or anything awful like that. It just doesn't quite sound as humorous as you might have intended.

Just a thought!

Greetings I'm LastPaladin and I felt much like Snoink this piece hits a little too close to home, the lien about jack is sweet, and when reading bean lines I immediately thought of Jack and the Beanstalk and then low and behold it's there, good job on that. But rather than a funny piece, I'd class this more as a black comedy, not haha funny, but more uneasy and boy can I relate, the rhyme scheme gets a bit choppy but nothing too awful. I just feel this piece never manages to address anything funny after Jack line, it seems to get too down to earth, perhaps it's effect you intended, but here it doesn't work, I'm sorry.

Overall: This has potential to be laugh out loud, just try be a little less serious, because that's what crushes the joyful aspect of it. Plus it hits home for many of us, and rather than be reminded about what we hate, we want to laugh about it. Comedian manage it, they make money of it. I believe you can.

Hope this helps.

Hello there

Well I'm not really a poet, I have to say, I thought the first two lines were spot on perfect. I was a little disappointed that you did not keep the same rhythm through out the whole poem. Oh well, never the less, I did see a little humour in it because occasionally I could relate to some of the things. "Nap Interrupted", huh, creative.
Good job and keep writing.

Oh, wow! Hi, I'm Sol! I must said this is a really awesome poem... I can relate to it somehow -_- lol
My favorite part is:

baywolf25 wrote:Lifts my tangled hair,
Spins it like a spout.
Sends my papers scattered and mangled
To their deaths on the ground. I pick them up,
Brush off my wounded pride.

Good job, keep writing!