Eventide (3.1)

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I've decided to split this chapter into two parts, as it is rather long and a lot happens. I'm not as pleased with this half of the chapter as I could be, especially towards the end. Rip it apart, guys. :)

Summary of Chapter 2:
Spoiler
Natura has gone with Haro, her friend and employer, and Christiana, her dearest friend, to the Grand Icarthian City. They are staying at a decrepit old inn, The Maiden's Folly, and have met the owner, Renald, his son, Erik, and the stabe boy, Rigel. While they are there, the opening celebrations are going on for the Ascensian Academy Trials.

Read it here: Eventide (2)


The Maiden’s Folly was the least respectable establishment Natura had ever set foot in. It was even less admirable than Parcel’s old inn-turned-tavern.

She had spotted a back entrance from where she had left the stables and let herself in to a dimly lit hallway. The walls were a mix of stone and wood, dotted with holes that allowed outside light to shine in, casting constellations of yellow over the dirt floor.

Natura followed the hallway along the back wall of the building, passing what she could make out to be closed doors. She watched the bottom of the wall, searching for a sliver of light where a door could lead her out of the hallway.

The sound of a door closing echoed through the hall. Natura’s heart jumped in her chest and she looked back where she had come, peering through the darkness for someone.

“Don’t be foolish,” she whispered. It could only have been a noise from somewhere else in the inn. Her lack of proper sleep at night must have been affecting her.

She started walking down the hallway again, but stopped when her footsteps were not the only ones she heard. She waited, listening for a sound past her own breathing that would reveal another person in the hallway.

“Miss, what are you doing here?”

Natura dropped to her knees, spinning to face the voice as she did. She pressed one hand to the floor, her fingers digging into the packed earth. She pushed her other hand through the air toward the voice, sending broken fragments of the earth floor flying down the hallway.

There was a groan and a thud, along with the low thump of chunks of earth hitting the floor, as body hit dirt.

Natura slid off her thin leather shoes and walked slowly toward the shadowed figure on the ground. Light shone on him from a particularly large hole in the wall; he turned his head so that his face was visible in the light. It was Erik.

“I did not intend to harm you, Miss,” he said. He pushed himself up from the ground, wobbling until he placed a hand on the wall to brace himself.

“I apologize,” Natura said. “You startled me.”

“Then it’s me who should apologize,” he said. “Though, you have very impressive control over the old earth magic for a woman. It was my pleasure to see it. Or rather, to experience it.” He chuckled to himself. “It is better than my own abilities. Far better, actually.” He sighed and leaned his back against the wall. “I’ll never make it through the Ascensian Academy Trials on my abilities.” He glanced at Natura who stood silently watching him. “You won’t have a problem in the Trials.”

“Oh, I’ve not come to compete,” she said.

Erik raised an eyebrow. “Not at all?” He grabbed her hand and pulled her to him. “Then you will teach me?”

Natura breathed in sharply as he pulled her. He held her hands in his and stared into her eyes. The dim hallway cast darkness over the desperation on his face. “I don’t think—”

“Please, Miss,” he pleaded. “I must pass the Trials, I must attend the Academy. My father… He must see that I’m not useless.” He held her hands to his chest, his eyes downcast. “Please.”

Natura bit her lip and looked down the dark hallway. Haro and Christiana would be wondering where she had gone off to, and she had still yet to find a way out of the hall. “Won’t we be seen?” she asked. “The Trial Masters, I’ve heard they patrol the city like hawks.”

He brought his eyes quickly to hers, a small smile coming to his lips. “I know of a place we can go where they won’t see us,” he said. “Will you teach me, Miss? Will you?”

“I suppose—”

He pulled Natura into a strangling embrace before she could continue. “Oh, thank you, Miss! You won’t regret it!” He released her and guided her to a nearby door. He pushed her lightly through the doorway, but held her back with a hand at her waist for a moment. He whispered, his breath hot on her ear. “Meet me at the western city gate after the Opening Ceremony.”

His hand slipped away and the door closed before Natura could move again. She took a deep breath and stepped away from the shadowed doorway into what appeared to be the main room on the ground floor of the inn. It was crowded for the quality of the inn, mostly by aged men sitting at long wooden tables with hot cider in hand. They tossed hand painted tokens onto the table in the way of an old Icarthian game Natura’s father had once attempted to teach her.

A fire crackled in a big fireplace at one end of the room; with the change of season on the horizon, hints of the autumn winds and the cold air they brought were everywhere. Haro stood in front of a desk shoved into a back corner of the room, Renald sat with his feet propped on top behind it.

Renald talked loudly at Haro, his voice filling every corner of the room. “My brother’s boy’s about the city somewhere. He’s a good boy, got a good head on his shoulders. It’s a pity, though; lost his parents a few years back – rest their souls – I took him in and cared for him like a son. He’s got potential, that Rigel, he’ll go places. Now my Erik, he’s suited for mucking our stables.”

His eyes wandered the room as he spoke, fixing themselves on Natura as she approached the desk. “Ah, Miss,” he greeted, a grin spreading across his thick face. “How has this fine day been treating you?”

“Well, thank you,” she answered.

Haro smiled and gave a slight nod of approval. He held out a small brass key to her, “The key to your room, Miss Natura.”
“You’ll be on the second level, Miss, best room in the place,” Renald said with an awkward wink.

Natura took the key from Haro and dismissed herself as politely as she could manage. The stairway to the second level was thin and rickety; Natura had to push herself past a tall, thin man that had stopped to smoke his pipe and contemplate the woodwork in the middle of the stairway.

The door her key fit led her into a closet of a room with a bed crammed in the center; the head of the bed touched against one wall, while the foot touched against the wall on the opposite side of the room. If one crawled across the sagging mattress they could reach a dirty window that appeared to be nailed shut.

“Lovely,” Natura murmured. She coughed as a cloud of dust puffed up from the bed when she hoisted her bag onto it.

The door flew open, banging against a squat chest of drawers. Natura jumped and spun around; she let out a sigh of relief when she saw Christiana standing in the doorway.

“You look like you’ve seen a ghost,” she said, mocking Natura’s wide-eyed expression. She laughed and leaned against the door. “So what do you say for a bit of an adventure?”

“You’re always looking for adventures,” Natura said as she ruffled through her bag. She pulled out a worn leather-bound book and sat on the very edge of the bed, and began flipping through the pages.

“And you are the most dull person I’ve met,” she said. She pulled the book from Natura’s hands and tucked it under her arm. “You’ve read this old book of tales a hundred times. We’re in the city, there’s a celebration, why not take advantage of that?”

Natura snatched the book back and held it to her chest. It was one of the few her family owned; books weren’t the most important purchase for a carpenter and a healer. “The celebration is only for competitors.”

Christiana groaned and fell onto the bed. “Natura Halle, where is your sense of adventure?”

“The same place my desire to avoid spending the nice in the jails is,” she said.

Christiana looked up at her from where she lay, dust-covered, on the bed, her lips pulled into a pout. “This is the only night I can go somewhere without feeling like some sort of heathen,” she said. “Here, I don’t stand out.”

Natura stared at her friend lying pathetically on the filthy mattress. “Alright,” she said at last. “But how will we avoid the Trial Masters? They’re all over the city.”

“You worry so much!” Christiana laughed and pushed herself up from the bed. “There are hundreds of young Icarthians in the city tonight, we’ll blend right in.” She brushed the dust from her dress and grabbed Natura by the hand, pulling her out of the room with her.

On the street, even as far from the city green as The Maiden’s Folly was, the celebration could be heard. Music and the conversations of hundreds of people pulsated through the streets.

Christiana led Natura through thin, refuse-scattered alleyways toward the center of the city. Natura grasped the back of her dress, trying to keep up with the eager young woman. At the end of an alley nearest the city green Natura stumbled, barely avoiding a stray mutt whose nose was buried in a pile of old scraps, and lost her grip on Christiana.

Once she steadied herself and turned forward again, Christiana had crossed into the crowd on the green, her colorful head disappearing into the mass of competitors.

“In the name of all that is sane and good, Christiana…” Natura muttered. She shook her head and strode across the cobblestone street, following Christiana into the crowd.

She weaved her way through rows of long tables and benches piled with food, heading toward the bonfire that occupied the center of the green. A raised stage of stone stood on the far side of the fire; some thirty musicians gathered there, playing old Icarthian tunes on stringed instruments.

The ring of grass around the fire was for dancing, as at any Icarthian celebration. As the sun sunk lower and lower behind the city walls, more and more people became caught up in the traditional dances around the fire. Christiana hadn’t come for the food or the people, but for the dancing.

Natura stood at the fine line between people eating and people dancing. She had little desire to join the dance; ever since Alger Penn dumped her in the fountain at a celebration in Parcel when she was seven Natura did her best to avoid festive gatherings.

Christiana couldn’t stay away from celebrations. In Parcel, she would drag Natura high into the branches of the ancient tree Haro’s shop was built around to watch the villagers eat and dance together.

Natura searched the crowd for her friend, spotting her in the arms of a spry young man who wouldn’t likely make it through the Trials and relaxed. There wasn’t much trouble her friend could find for now.

“Well good evening, Miss.” Erik stood beside her, grinning. It looked out of place on his face, forced. “Care to dance?”

He didn’t allow for her to answer. He grasped her arm and swung her into the dance. She gasped and clutched his shoulder to keep herself from tumbling to the ground. He laughed and clutched her to him, his arm wrapped tightly around her waist.

“What’s the matter?” he asked. “Not much for dancing?”

Natura shook her head, locking her eyes on his shoulder as he spun her faster around the circle. “I prefer to watch,” she said, trying to remain as polite as she could.

“I’ll let you in on a little secret.” He leaned close to her face, his cheek brushing hers. “I’m not much of a dancer either.” He pulled back and laughed. “It’s only a matter of confidence.”

They came to a quick, jarring stop and started again in the opposite direction around the circle. Natura closed her eyes and dug her fingers into his shoulder and into his hand.

“Come now,” he said. “It isn’t so bad.” He looked down at her, the strange grin plastered to his face. His teeth were remarkably straight and white for an Icarthian man. “Relax, no need to be so tense about it.”

“I’m really content to watch,” she said.

The musicians on the stage sung out a lyric in the old Icarthian tongue, signaling a switch of partners. Erik winked and spun Natura away from him, “I’ll be seeing you again.” His grip on her loosened and she let go her hold on him. If she was quick enough, she could work her way out of the dance before another young man claimed her as a partner.

As she spun away, the world spun around her. She had misjudged her ability to regain control of her body. Her foot caught itself under her, and she lurched forward.

Strong hands caught her before she hit the ground, pulling her up into the dance again. Natura clenched her teeth, holding in a groan. Erik’s “I’ll be seeing you again.” replayed in her head.

“The opening ceremonies are for competitors only, you know.”

Natura glanced up, meeting not Erik’s but Rigel’s eyes. He laughed, his lips caught up in a crooked smile. He held her around the waist, holding her tightly to him. “Are you feeling alright?” he asked. “Here, keep your eyes on mine. You’ll stay balanced. There, better?”

She let out a long breath, and her spinning head began to clear. “Thank you,” she said.

“Erik isn’t the finest dancer, and he’s a worse teacher, but he means well,” he said. He lifted her in the air and spun her, placing her gently on the ground again. He smiled and held her loosely, allowing her to hold her own balance. His calloused hand was warm around hers. “Will you be watching the Trials tomorrow?” he asked as they spun in time with the group.

“No,” she said. “We’re leaving for my village tomorrow.”

“Don’t like to be away for long?” he asked. “Homesick? Or do you have a fellow missing you back home?” He winked and laughed.

“My father is ill,” she said. “My family needs me.”

Rigel stopped laughing, his cheeks reddening in the light of the fire. “I apologize,” he said. “I shouldn’t have said… I didn’t know.”

The song ended and the dancers stopped, clapping and shouting for their favorite songs. Rigel pulled Natura out of the dancers and gave her a slight push into the crowd. “You’re safe now.” He smiled widely, displaying the slightly crooked and yellowed teeth of an Icarthian man. “No more unwarranted dancing.” He winked and took the hand of a nearby young woman, joining in on the next dance.

Part two coming soon!
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Lauren! Crap! Haha! I was half-way through the review and my mouse clicked off! *groans*

Well, I'm back!

She had spotted a back entrance from where she had left the stables and let herself in to a dimly lit hallway.
I think it should be 'into'

The walls were a mix of stone and wood, dotted with holes that allowed outside light to shine in, casting constellations of yellow over the dirt floor
This was beautifully written; very easy to picture.

Then it’s me who should apologize,” he said. “Though, you have very impressive control over the old earth magic for a woman. It was my pleasure to see it. Or rather, to experience it
Erik has such a formal speech that it would be sound better, I think, if he said, "then it is I who should..." But maybe it's just me.
Also, I think there should be a comma after 'Magic'.

A fire crackled in a big fireplace at one end of the room; with the change of season on the horizon, hints of the autumn winds and the cold air they brought were everywhere. Haro stood in front of a desk shoved into a back corner of the room, Renald sat with his feet propped on top behind it.
I absolutely loved this paragraph. It flowed quite easily into my mind to create a nice and cozy scene. The fact that autumn is my favourite season and I love sitting beside a fireplace probably helps. Either way, this was beautiful.

“Here, I don’t stand out.”
awww, poor Christiana :'(

Natura grasped the back of her dress, trying to keep up with the eager young woman.
Ok, this may be only be but I figure that if I get stuck on a part that bugs me, it's worth mentioning. I would change the 'young woman' part to 'her friend' or something because I felt a little detatched for a second, wondering if I'd skipped a part and Natura had grabbed an innocent woman. Not Christiana. But, maybe it's just me.

She had little desire to join the dance; ever since Alger Penn dumped her in the fountain at a celebration in Parcel when she was seven Natura did her best to avoid festive gatherings.
Should be a comma between the words in bold.

“Well good evening, Miss.” Erik stood beside her, grinning. It looked out of place on his face, forced. “Care to dance?”
Ok. I do a lot of reviews per week and, although I remember the stories in general, the little details are harder to remember. For me anyway. My sister's a lot better. My point? Well, I don't remember if you've described Erik in the previous chapter and this would be a great place to put one. How is his face? Maybe, "It looked out of place on his sombre face; forced." Or something. Am I making sense? Maybe not...;)

Well, Lauren, that was it for the nitpicks. This was such a great chapter! You get better with every piece, that is for sure. I read your piece, and I realise how much I love writing. I envy the ease with which your words come off the page; the ease of a talented writer.

I'm so glad I've been following this; I would be missing out on something great.

Tanya :D




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This means we have to wait for the other half, doesn't it? :(

Oh well, I shall review :)

Lauren2010 wrote:“The same place my desire to avoid spending the nice in the jails is,” she said.

*night

And that's all the nit-picking for me. I have to agree with Tanya about Erik's description. I don't really remember what he looked like, nor what Nigel looked like, actually.

That's all I had to say, honestly. Tanya mentioned a lot already, so not much for me to do ;)
Can't wait 'til next part :D
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Punctuation is the difference between "Let's eat, Grandma" and "Let's eat Grandma".




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Laaaauren! I'm sorry, I guess I wasn't around when you posted this so I never reviewed it! Thank you for the PM about the next part, I'll get on to it once I've done this one :)

I. NITPICKS

Natura followed the hallway along the back wall of the building, passing what she could make out to be closed doors. She watched the bottom of the wall, searching for a sliver of light where a door could lead her out of the hallway.

The sound of a door closing echoed through the hall. Natura’s heart jumped in her chest and she looked back where she had come, peering through the darkness for someone.


These two paragraphs are so repetitive I feel dizzy.

sending broken fragments of the earth floor flying down the hallway.


fragments of earth?

“You look like you’ve seen a ghost,” she said, mocking Natura’s wide-eyed expression.


The mocking clause seems awkward.

“The same place my desire to avoid spending the nice in the jails is,” she said.


The nice, yes, Lauren. How nice.

II. CHARACTER

Mostly this is about Erik. I've got no idea what you're trying to achieve with his character, he seems all over the place, nervous in the corridor then all bright and happy at the fire, and Natura doesn't even comment on it. I know you know who he is, but we don't and at this stage, neither does Natura. Then Rigel as well. I'd like to see more of her reaction and first impression of each. With Christiana it's a little different, since Natura knows her but we don't, but I was happier with her here than in previous chapters.

Natura herself is mostly coming along nicely, but I think letting us into her head that little bit more can't hurt.

III. OVERALL

I like it lots :)

Hope I helped, drop me a note if you need anything!

-Stella x
"Stella. You were in my dream the other night. And everyone called you Princess." -Lauren2010



People who say they sleep like a baby usually don't have one.
— Leo J. Burke