operation: survive summer vacation!!!!

Clarese O'Neil awoke with a start to wind howling through her room throwing her old fashioned shudders against the walls on either side. The downpour left water droplets on the window sill, which were beautifully illuminated by the rich moonlight. The same moonlight which now flooded into her room, slightly wavering because of the Autumn leaves fluttering around. Some came into her room to rest on her desk before fluttering out the window again.Her room consisted of a few minor things her mahogany desk, the shelf holding her brush, along with a picture of her entire family her, her father, and mother before her dad disappeared a year prior;a gymnastics trophy and the hand held silver mirror embodied by delicate engravings of iris flowers and tiger lily's given to her by her grandmother along with a box with a cushion on top positioned by the window so she could sit and watch the weather and think . seeing it was still dark she glanced over at her alarm clock and in big neon blue block numbers it said 1:31AM. She snatched the clock off the bedside table letting out a exclamation of both despair and surprise
"i have to get up again in four hours" she thought, then she remembered that today was her last day of school. with a frustrated growl she set the clock back down on it's table ans attempted feeling her way to her window but after stubbing her toe twice she decided to crawl. she cursed herself for not turning on her light after she hit her head on the window box. She placed her hand on the cushion but before she could try to pull herself up she felt a strange smooth stone , connected to a thin silver chain,she pulled it off the cushion and found that while the chain was cold from the rain as it should have been the strange stone was surprisingly warm and seemed to generate it's own light from its beautiful maroon center. She turned so her back was against the coolness of the wood, and stared into the stones center for what must have been five minutes, before a shock of lightning crashed into her reverie. As she looked back into the stones reflection again, she saw a person's figure standing in her window, he kneeled and reached out as if to stroke her head. she gasped and twisted around but no-one was there, she stood telling herself she was just being paranoid but somewhere deep down she knew she wasn't. That the person she saw in the window was oh, so very real. She pushed that suspicion to the back of her mind. She quickly stood and shut the shudders securely and locked them with the clasp then went back to bed. Her new trinket was clasped tightly in her fingers, the thin chain wrapped around her wrist. She clutched the chain and stone to her chest protectively as if someone would come and take her new-found treasure away from her






reviews please and i need a title so if anybody wants to please fell free to pm me
sincerely,
Dragons

Hi! Regan here! I'm going to review your post. I put things that are wrong in red, there corrections in green, things i like in blue and punctuation/words that should be there inorange. Let's start!

Claresta O'Neil awoke with a start not to mention to the wind howling and her old fashioned shudders hitting the walls on either side. What? That doesn't make any sence. You could try Claresta O'Neil awoke with a start to the sound of the howling wind banging her old fashioned shudders against the wall. the down pour outside leaving water droplets on the window sill which were beautifully illuminated by the rich moonlight which now flooded her room slightly wavering because of the Autumn leaves fluttering around some coming into her room to rest on her desk before fluttering out the window again.The dowpour left water droplets on the window sill, which were beautifully illuminated by the rich moonlight. The same moonlight which now flooded into her room, slightly wavering because of the Autumn leaves fluttering around. Some came into her room to rest on her desk before fluttering out the window again. ---> Capitalize the H in the next Her too. her room consisted of a few minor thingthings, her mahogany desk,hershelf holding her abrush,a picture of her entire family; her, her father, and mother before her dad disappeared a year prior,;a gymnastics trophy and the hand held silver mirror embodied by delicate engravings of iris flowers and tiger lily's given to her by her grandmother along with a box with a cushion on top positioned by the window so she could sit and watch the weather and think . seeing it was still dark she glanced over at her alarm clock and in big neon blue block numbers it said 1:31 she snatched the clock off the bedside table letting out a exclamation of both despair and surprise
"i have to get up again in 4 hours she thought I have to get up again in four hours, she thought,remembering that today was her last day of school. with a frustrated growl she set the clock back down on it's table ans attempted feeling her way to her window but after stubbing her toe twice she decided to crawl. she cursed herself for not turning on her light after she hit her head on the window seat, she . Sheplaced her hand on the cushion but before she could try to pull herself up she felt a strange smooth stone wet from the rian and, connected to a thin silver chain she . Shepulled it off the cushion and found that while the chain was cold from the rain as it should have been the strange stone was surprisingly warm and seemed to generate it's own light from its beautiful maroon center she. She turned so her back was against the coolness of the wood,and[color=#FF0000]she <-- get rid of that she[/color]stared into the stones center for what must have been 5 minutes when beforea shock of lightning crashed into her reverie as, reverie. As she looked back into the stones reflection again, she saw a person's figure standing in her window, he kneeled and reached out as if to stroke her head. she gasped and twisted around but no-one was there, she stood telling herself she was just being paranoid but somewhere deep down she knew she wasn't that . Thatthe person she saw in the window was oh, so very real. but Get rid of the but and capitalize the next wordshe pushed that suspicion to the back of her mind. she quickly stood and shut the shudders securely and locked them with the clasp and thenwent back to bed. her Hernew trinket wasclasped tightly in her fingers ,the thin chain wrapped around her wrist, she . Sheclutched the chain and stone to her chest protectively as if someone would come and take her new-found treasure away from her.

You have a lot of good phrases, but not much emotion. I'd like to say it's a good piece, but it's very dry and there are a LOT of run on sentinces. Keep writing though, I'd like to see where this goes. As for the title, I'd have to know more about it to give it a name. Happy Writing! Regan

Claresta O'Neil awoke with a start not to mention to the wind howling and her old fashioned shudders hitting the walls on either side.

The two things mentioned here don't combine well. Did you mean to say she woke with a start because of the loud noises the shutters were making? It's unclear.

the down pour outside leaving water droplets on the window sill which were beautifully illuminated by the rich moonlight which now flooded her room slightly wavering because of the Autumn leaves fluttering around some coming into her room to rest on her desk before fluttering out the window again.

There are many mistakes in this sentence, too. You forgot to capitalize 'the'. 'Downpour' is one word. And holy smokes, you definitely need some commas! Try reading the sentence aloud and find where the natural pauses are, or break this into a few separate sentences.

her room consisted of a few minor thing her mahogany desk,shelf holding her brush,a picture of her entire family her, her father, and mother before her dad disappeared a year prior,a gymnastics trophy and the hand held silver mirror embodied by delicate engravings of iris flowers and tiger lily's given to her by her grandmother along with a box with a cushion on top positioned by the window so she could sit and watch the weather and think

This is an extrememly long sentence. Break it into different sentences; you don't have to bundle it all up into one. Take your time and explain important details. If there are a few items that aren't totally important, delete them to make the description a little less overwhelming.

seeing it was still dark she glanced over at her alarm clock and in big neon blue block numbers it said 1:31 she snatched the clock off the bedside table letting out a exclamation of both despair and surprise

I'm positive that if you simply read this over again in your head, you would could fix your mistakes by yourself. Be sure to proofread your work before posting, so that it makes a reviewer's job a little easier.

"i have to get up again in 4 hours she thought

You missed the end quotes. Write out numbers -four

5 minutes

Always spell out numbers.

she cursed herself for not turning on her light after she hit her head on the window seat, she placed her hand on the cushion but before she could try to pull herself up she felt a strange smooth stone wet from the rian and connected to a thin silver chain she pulled it off the cushion and found that while the chain was cold from the rain as it should have been the strange stone was surprisingly warm and seemed to generate it's own light from its beautiful maroon center she turned so her back was against the coolness of the wood,she stared into the stones center for what must have been 5 minutes when a shock of lightning crashed into her reverie, as she looked back into the stones reflection again, she saw a person's figure standing in her window, he kneeled and reached out as if to stroke her head.

Guess what? This is all one sentence. It would be easy to break this into parts. It will flow easier, and give your reader a little pause to breathe.

All in all, this was very short, and it didn't seem like anything important has happened. To be honest, all the punctuation and capitalization and tiny mistakes were very distracting and made this hard to read. Your character seemed to lack any kind of emotion, and the ending was a bit confusing. Why was there someone staring through her window? You suddenly mentioned this mysterious necklace on the last sentence, which threw me for a loop. Why hadn't you mentioned this before? Why wasn't she keeping it anywhere safe?

I'm sure that this has a lot of potential, but to me it still feels like a very rough draft. For a start, I'd edit through all your small mistakes before the next reviewer comes around. And as for the title, don't worry, I'm sure you'll come up with one in time. For me, it's still too early to tell what this is truely about.

Good luck!
~blacksheep

funkyreg101 wrote:Hi! Regan here! I'm going to review your post. I put things that are wrong in red, there corrections in green, things i like in blue and punctuation/words that should be there inorange. Let's start!

Claresta O'Neil awoke with a start not to mention to the wind howling and her old fashioned shudders hitting the walls on either side. What? That doesn't make any sence. You could try Claresta O'Neil awoke with a start to the sound of the howling wind banging her old fashioned shudders against the wall. the down pour outside leaving water droplets on the window sill which were beautifully illuminated by the rich moonlight which now flooded her room slightly wavering because of the Autumn leaves fluttering around some coming into her room to rest on her desk before fluttering out the window again.The dowpour left water droplets on the window sill, which were beautifully illuminated by the rich moonlight. The same moonlight which now flooded into her room, slightly wavering because of the Autumn leaves fluttering around. Some came into her room to rest on her desk before fluttering out the window again. ---> Capitalize the H in the next Her too. her room consisted of a few minor thingthings, her mahogany desk,hershelf holding her abrush,a picture of her entire family; her, her father, and mother before her dad disappeared a year prior,;a gymnastics trophy and the hand held silver mirror embodied by delicate engravings of iris flowers and tiger lily's given to her by her grandmother along with a box with a cushion on top positioned by the window so she could sit and watch the weather and think . seeing it was still dark she glanced over at her alarm clock and in big neon blue block numbers it said 1:31 she snatched the clock off the bedside table letting out a exclamation of both despair and surprise
"i have to get up again in 4 hours she thought I have to get up again in four hours, she thought,remembering that today was her last day of school. with a frustrated growl she set the clock back down on it's table ans attempted feeling her way to her window but after stubbing her toe twice she decided to crawl. she cursed herself for not turning on her light after she hit her head on the window seat, she . Sheplaced her hand on the cushion but before she could try to pull herself up she felt a strange smooth stone wet from the rian and, connected to a thin silver chain she . Shepulled it off the cushion and found that while the chain was cold from the rain as it should have been the strange stone was surprisingly warm and seemed to generate it's own light from its beautiful maroon center she. She turned so her back was against the coolness of the wood,and[color=#FF0000]she <-- get rid of that she[/color]stared into the stones center for what must have been 5 minutes when beforea shock of lightning crashed into her reverie as, reverie. As she looked back into the stones reflection again, she saw a person's figure standing in her window, he kneeled and reached out as if to stroke her head. she gasped and twisted around but no-one was there, she stood telling herself she was just being paranoid but somewhere deep down she knew she wasn't that . Thatthe person she saw in the window was oh, so very real. but Get rid of the but and capitalize the next wordshe pushed that suspicion to the back of her mind. she quickly stood and shut the shudders securely and locked them with the clasp and thenwent back to bed. her Hernew trinket wasclasped tightly in her fingers ,the thin chain wrapped around her wrist, she . Sheclutched the chain and stone to her chest protectively as if someone would come and take her new-found treasure away from her.

You have a lot of good phrases, but not much emotion. I'd like to say it's a good piece, but it's very dry and there are a LOT of run on sentinces. Keep writing though, I'd like to see where this goes. As for the title, I'd have to know more about it to give it a name. Happy Writing! Regan

THANK YOU FOR REVIEWING

Remember capitalization! I have seen a few errors in that area, as well as spacing. In one part, you put the same word twice, which is uneeded. When you put a thought of a character in a story, you don't need quotations around it, just to have it in italics. Also, I recommend that you shorten the paragraphs. I suggest that you use transitions for them.

Transitions are-here is a perfect example, In the paragraph above, I mentioned that you make your paragraphs into transitions and here, in paragraphy two, I start the explanation. You should definitely do this. Transitions is a technigue used by many and is the basis for the paragraphs you see written by journalists.

If you follow this advice, you will succeed. I can tell, in my experience, though I am so young, that you have the talent inside of you. Follow this advice, I am begging you. Fix these few problems and you will be fine!