Ry Stormdragon (Chapters 1 & 2)

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This is my first post. I also wrote most of this in the middle of class so its not as good as I wish. And I have no clue what it should be rated. It's deffinatly not for everyone. Hope you enjoy it.

Chapter 1

I was running as fast as I could. I wasn’t just going to let them kill me. I tried to stay quite, but it was hopeless. I was crashing through trees and bushes with my pursuers close behind.
How was it I was always the one to get in trouble? I glanced behind to see how far behind they were. The barking of Drake’s dogs grew closer. I squinted into the darkness in front of me. The ground looked like it ended.
I tripped over a tree root and went head first over a cliff. I tumbled to through the air, I had no control. I started to cry out but the air was stolen from my lungs. My stolen, dark cloak billowed around me, but the hood miraculous covered my face, protecting it from the lashing wind.
Ice water flew around me. My lungs struggled for air. The current dragged me down. I tried to swim, but the water fought me. The water gained victory as I blacked out and it swept me away.

Flash back
“I wish to join D.I.G.S.” My father looked up from his papers. He stared hard and cold at me. I shivered involuntarily.
“Absolutely not!” His voice was firm. His gaze pierced me to the center. I was saved by the door opening. I turned and was greeted with a warm smile.
“Ry! Sir Lance! How are things around here?” I was tempted to run up and greet him, but that wouldn’t help my case.
“Hello Jacob. How is your father, Sir Kyle?” I replied officially. He stopped in the middle of the room and gocked at me. He turned to my father, then back to me, and blinked a couple times.
“What is going on?”
“Sir Lance is denying my request to join D.I.G.S.” I was trying my best to act like a soldier.
“You cannot join D.I.G.S. It’s for noble blooded men. Besides what would your mother say?” My father stood and walked to the window. I couldn’t believe he brought up mom. I glared coldly at him.
“I am noble blooded and my mother wouldn’t care. My mother has never cared about me. She spent all her time raising Jacob and never visited. Never cared. And now she spends all her time at Sir Kyle’s side.” I replied bitterly before he could send another insult.
“Rylie!” Jake shouted at me, shocked. He knew how much I care about mom, but it had to hurt. I looked at him, but showed no emotion.
“Jaenelle,” I froze at my name, and looked at my father. He gave me a look that made me wish I was slowly and painfully dieing. “Jaenelle Rylie Stormdragon, I forbid you from joining D.I.G.S.”

Present
I awoke by a blazing campfire. A shadow passed by my face. I opened my eyes a crack. As my eyes adjusted, I saw him. I started to sit up. He turned towards me.
“Easy,” he whispered as he helped me. I stared at his tattered D.I.G.S. uniform. I realized he was talking to me.
“What?” I asked blankly.
“Are you alright?” I looked up into his face.
“Oh Jake!” I buried my head into his shoulder. He wrapped his arms gently around me. Back and forth we rocked as he whispered the comfort I needed into my ear. I couldn’t tell him the horrors I just escaped from. I couldn’t tell him what I went through, what Drake did to me. I knew he could guess by the condition of my clothes and body, but I didn’t care.
“We have to get away from here.” I whispered. Jake stroked my head as he whispered back, “I know, I know. And we are going to.”
“Where are we going to go? We can’t go home, they’ll find us.”
“I know. You’re going to come back with me. I don’t trust anyone to keep you safe.”
“Okay,” I sighed and drifted off to sleep.

The sun greeted me warmly when I awoke. My eyes didn’t want to open. I tried to roll over, but my body screamed at me. I should of know this would of happened, since my body was covered in cuts and bruises, as well as I fell off a cliff and got dragged down river.
“How are you doing, Ry?” I heard Jake’s voice.
“Hurting. I don’t want to move,” My voice was soft. He pulled me to my feet. My body tried to reject the action, but it was no use. My eyes opened and rested on the horse behind him. I looked back at Jake and noticed he had changed clothes.
“Here,” he handed me a new shirt and a pair of pants. It took me a long while to change because of my protesting body. Jake burned my old clothes while I ate. They couldn’t even be used for rags.
Finally, we were ready and Jake lifted me up on the horse in front of him. My body hurt so bad.
“Where are we going?” I asked as the horse started to walk.
“We are going to D.I.G.S.”

Chapter 2

The gates loomed above me. I handed my fake I.D. to the guard and he waved me through. Jake did an amazing job. No one should be able to tell I’m a girl. The only people who know about me are Jake and Mom.
I was trying to keep from shaking as I followed the others to where we’d be assigned. I tried to be calm while I waited for them to call my name. My mind wandered, I couldn’t believe I was actually at D.I.G.S.
“Ryan J. Stormdragon,” they called my “name” and I stepped forward. They looked over my papers then called, “J2.”
Wow, I thought. Z-U was no gifted, but great fighters. AA and below were the no gifted and good fighters. T-M was gifted and good fighters. L-F was gifted and great fighters. E-A is the gifted and are extreme fighters. Above them are the numbers. There are only ten numbers. They’re the best, the top, the heroes, the alphas.
I was expecting to get somewhere close to P. Nobody has seen me fight but my family, so I suspected Jake had something to do with it. Since he was G1, he could easily keep an eye on me if I was close to his rank.
I walked through the doors and looked around the room where I was going to fight J2. It was perfectly square. One wall was replaced with thick, two way glass. On the other side sat the 1’s. And Jake.
The door on the opposite side opened. The man was tall and had to weigh at least twice as much as me, which is about a whapping 95 pounds. He crossed the room quickly.
“You know the rules,” I nodded as he continued.” Let’s begin.” He drew his “sword,” which was more like a stick, and got in a defensive position. I drew mine and got in my favorite position, right foot forward, weight on left, "sword" in front pointed towards the ground, left hand in pocket. It confuses people every time.
This time was no different. He looked at me perplexed. I swung it low. He went to block but before the "swords" clashed, I rolled back and over. I brought my "sword" between his legs.
“Demobilized,” I said as he sank to the ground. He looked up at me, anger etched into his face. He sung and I jumped back. He kept swinging wildly. After a couple of steps backward, I glimpsed an opening. I went for it, and missed. Our "swords" locked.
I swung my "sword" back into a 360 as fast as I could, forcing the point of his "sword" to the ground. He lifted his "sword" quick, sending the hilt of mine into his jaw. He flew back a couple feet and landed with a thud.
He jumped up, fury burning in his eyes. He attacked. I was being pushed into a corner. He was going to kill me.


Zach never did like watching the placings, which is why he hardly ever did. Unfortunately, the Head wanted to talk to him and the Head always watches the placings. Zach opened the door and walked over to the Head’s corner.
“You wanted to see me, Sir?”
“Sit down and watch a minute, Zach.” He obeyed and watched the two men fight.
“What’s got Austin pissed?” Zach asked. J2 or correctly know as Austin Michelson, has been known for having a big ego and an even bigger temper.
“The guy first demobilized him by swinging his sword into his,” he paused for a second. “I recorded it. Here.” The head handed him the small recording device. Zach watched in surprise.
“That would get him mad but”
“He hit him in the jaw with his hilt.” The Head interrupted.
“Ah.” Zach looked more closely at the newcomer through the glass. “He’s only a boy!”
“No, he’s young but not a boy anymore.”
“Who is he?”
“The papers say his name is Ryan J. Stormdragon.”
“Stormdragon?!!” Zach looked up in shocked.
“You recognize the name. Good. Do some digging, but for right now lets watched.”



I was in a tight spot. Backed into a corner. J2 was trying to kill me. It was all I could do to make sure his "sword" didn't hit me. I was losing control.
Our "swords" locked again. My mind clicked and I lost control. I felt my eyes shift. I stepped towards him and kneed him hard where it counts. As he went down, I flipped over his head.
He pulled himself up and lunged. I easily knocked his "sword" out of his hand and across the room. My "sword" was right by his neck. He looked petrified.


"Impressive," the Head wrote some notes down. "But something still doesn't seem rigt."
"Don't worry, Sir. I'll turn over every stone until we know everything about him." Zach stood and faced him.
"Very good. In the mean time, I think we should let 6 fight him. I've no clue who taught him those moves. He's record says Sir Lance Stormdragon taught him. But his moves were none of the Stormdragon's. He may be a spy. You're dismissed."
"Yes Sir." Zach saluted and walked to the door. He turned and looked at the young man one more time and walked out of the room.




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Hi! I'm Narniafreak! I hope this review helps!

I was running as fast as I could. I wasn’t just going to let them kill me. I tried to stay quite, but it was hopeless. I was crashing through trees and bushes with my pursuers close behind.

This would be an okay beginning except you don't tell us much. Who are "them" and why are they chasing this person? You don't give us much to go while reading. It's too vague.

but the hood miraculous covered my face, protecting it from the lashing wind.
Ice water flew around me.

Up until this point I had no idea that it was winter. There isn't that much description to go on. The person is running through a forest [?] and then falls over a cliff into some sort of body of water. That's it.

I was saved by the door opening. I turned and was greeted with a warm smile.
“Ry! Sir Lance! How are things around here?” I was tempted to run up and greet him, but that wouldn’t help my case.

I had no idea who was talking at this point. I thought it was the narrator, but then it was not. Maybe put a talking tag so there's less confusion.

He stopped in the middle of the room and gocked at me.

I think you meant, gawked. If not, just ignore this.

He gave me a look that made me wish I was slowly and painfully dieing.

I think this is just a typo but i believe it's dying.

As my eyes adjusted, I saw him. I started to sit up. He turned towards me.

You tend to do this a lot. You use "he" or "she" without a name, before you introduce the character. That's confusing because reading it we have no idea who you are talking about. Just use their name first, then continue using "he" or "she' when necessary.

I tried to roll over, but my body screamed at me. I should of know this would of happened, since my body was covered in cuts and bruises, as well as I fell off a cliff and got dragged down river.

How did it "scream"? Describe the pain, the feeling. Make it seem as if it's real. Also, we know she fell off a cliff and went down a river, you don't need to tell us again. Just say something like "I should have known this would happen, especially what I went through last night" etc.

No one should be able to tell I’m a girl. The only people who know about me are Jake and Mom.

I had no idea that narrator was a girl. There were no hints before hand besides her name Jaenelle which I thought was just a different name. Maybe put a few hints earlier on. Especially when they say she can't join D.I.G.S. maybe because she's a girl.

Wow, I thought. Z-U was no gifted, but great fighters. AA and below were the no gifted and good fighters. T-M was gifted and good fighters. L-F was gifted and great fighters. E-A is the gifted and are extreme fighters. Above them are the numbers. There are only ten numbers. They’re the best, the top, the heroes, the alphas.

This whole section is confusing. I don't understand all the letters and gifted or not gifted. And is it really necessary at this point in the story or could you add it in as you go?

I really liked the sword-fighting scene. It moved in a play-by-play that was cool. I'm not sure why they were fighting though, and why the guy was so angry over losing. Plus, if they aren't really "swords" how would he be able to kill her?

The story seems interesting but you've left a lot out that leaves us in the dark as to what is going on. I still don't know why she was running for her life, how she happened to find her brother [?], and what D.I.G.S. If you find a way to weave these questions, amongst others, into the story without having blocks of summary that'd be awesome. Also, add in some description here and there. I hope this helps. :)

-Narniafreak!

P.S. If you have any questions, need any help, need any other reviews, or anything else feel free to PM.




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Hi laightplusdark
Cool name and welcome to yws.
I like the title of this story.
Right, the nit-picks,
Flash back
should be in italics to make it stand out same with the
Present
.

I think that Narniafreak has covered the rest.
I like the first chapter and it hooks the reader and makes them want to see what happened, the job of a first chapter.
I take it that the uitslics is for someone else and it does give more information about the main character.

Over all I really liked it.
Can you pm me when you post more?
midnightread :elephant:
The only true wisdom is in knowing you know nothing.
A wise man does not need advice and a fool won't take it.


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Growing up is optional.


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Football is a gentleman's game played by thugs.



Never express yourself more clearly than you are able to think.
— Niels Bohr