My Encounter With Satan

My Encounter With Satan, Part 2 of (hopefully) 13.

Spoiler

I looked up at the screen. Lance jump kicked some monster and landed. Then it flipped to a commercial. I stood and headed for the kitchen. I required a glass of cool water. Not cold, cool. If it’s too cold it hurts my teeth. Anyway, I kept walking towards the kitchen. I lackadaisically pushed the galley door open and grabbed a glass, filled it with water, and returned to my room. I sat on the couch, back to the TV, and when I turned around, a massive half goat, half man, half Dane Cook beast eyed me, his forked tail twitching softly.

“Jesus Christ, who the Hell are you?”

He guffawed.

“The Devil!”

He giggled evilly and pulled a large bag from behind his back.

“Well at least you have the common courtesy to interrupt my life at a commercial break.”

“Exactly!”

He clapped his hands gleefully, and then pulled out a small podium from the bag and began to speak.

“So by now I assume God’s talked to you about how you’re going to kill the Antichrist and all…”

“I, uh, yeah. He did. So I can assume you’re Satan?”

“Hehe…what was your first hint?”

“The part of you that looks like Dane Cook.”

He frowned and stamped his foot, searing a small hoof shaped burn mark into my already unattractive carpet. He picked up the bag and presented it to me. As I took it from his little red paws, I noticed how absurdly heavy it was. I placed it on the couch and began sifting through it.

“What is all of this? An iPad? Various gaming consoles? A small Armenian slave boy?”

He chuckled.

“Whoops, that last one’s meant for the wife!”

“Wait wait wait. You have a wife?”

He sheepishly put his hands behind his back and looked down.

“Yeah…she’s great…”

“Who…who is it?”

He laughed a small, snort-like laugh, two thin jets of flame shooting from his nostrils before fizzling away into nothingness.

“Her name’s Ann. Ann Coulter.”

“Oh God…”

My knees buckled and I went down into the pile of nifty new gadgets Satan had brought to bribe me.

“Oh, I’m sorry. Here.”

He extended a paw and helped me up. I dusted myself off (I don’t vacuum much, okay?).

“Down to business. The Antichrist is my bro, okay? I can’t have you killing him-“

“God said it was my destiny though…”

“Let me finish. It’s your destiny if you side with God. If you side with me, you kill the Antichrist after we win the apocalyptic war and all that shit and get to rule over the world as its tyrannical leader. Sounds pretty great, huh?”

It was true. It did sound great, getting to kill the dude AND rule over the world…decisions decisions decisions…

“Me and God’ll give you a couple of days to make up your mind.”

A couple days? WHAT?

“A couple of days? That’s ludicrous! I’m making a decision that’ll shape the future of the world and stuff…it’s going to take more than a couple of days.”

Satan looked at me and grinned. Tapping a watch that out of nowhere appeared on his wrist, he spoke.

“Bub, you don’t have much more time that a couple of days. The apocalypse starts in a week.”

With that, he disappeared in a flash of acrid smelling smoke. I glanced at the TV. The commercial break was over. Sweet.

Next up, My Encounter With Thor.

Not my cup of tea, really. It reads in a pretty elementary way, which sucks any humor that might have been there. I realize that the taste in humorous writing is as varied as taste in humorous movies, that is, the difference between slapstick/random and clever.

Though no one is slipping and falling or making wild animal noises to discomfort others for no reason, this falls under the slapstick/random.

Lance jump kicked some monster and landed

An example of something that reads as totally random and not really worth the space it took to write it. Who's Lance? Why phrase it "some monster"? And why tell us that he "landed" after his jump kick (as opposed to continuing his jump kick into outer space)? That sentence could have been better used as an amusing description of a bad movie using exaggeration and stereotypes. But instead we got "Some guy jump kicked something and landed."

I lackadaisically pushed the galley door

No one actually uses the word lackadaisical. And because of it, the word stands out SO much for no reason.

half goat, half man, half Dane Cook

Like I said, random. Any good joke has a setup and a punchline. That is, the setup is where you lead the audience a step or two to build the feeling so you're in a position to get the laugh. Or, if there's not a lead-up, then there's simple history, as in a running gag, to make a joke funny. Here, all you have is a punchline that's irrelevant. Simply showing the unexpected does not equal funny. Imagine you're walking down a hallway in an office building. People in suits everywhere. Very businesslike and proper. Then on a wall, you see this GIANT, HONKIN' POSTER OF DANE COOK on the wall. But...really, it wouldn't cause you to burst out in laughter. It just makes you go, "What?"--or at best, you get that kinda exhaling-breathy-laugh/"what?" And if it ended at that, it would not be a joke. It could be a joke if it was followed by an employee sidling up to you and whispering some humorous explanation about the boss's obsession (in which case, the unexpected poster of Dane Cook becomes the setup and the explanation the punchline).

He guffawed.
“The Devil!”
He giggled evilly and pulled a large bag from behind his back.

It's not immediately apparent that the Devil said, "The Devil!" Rework the paragraphs because, right now, it looks like the narrator says, "Who are you? The Devil! At least you had the courtesy..."
"Giggled evilly" just makes him sound like a malicious schoolgirl. And if I didn't know that the current youth has an obsession with the words "giggle" and pretending to be "evil", then I would leave the phrase alone. But I well know that high-school-aged people love pretending to be insane and giggle evilly, so it cheapens the phrase immensely.

“Well at least you have the common courtesy to interrupt my life at a commercial break.”
“Exactly!”

Those two lines of dialogue don't match. "At least you're courteous." "Exactly!" ...?

So I can assume you’re Satan?”

Didn't we already say that he's the Devil?

“Her name’s Ann. Ann Coulter.”

That's a little closer to a joke. Because now we have the setup: The Devil has appeared, he looks like a somewhat-known celebrity, he has insidious intentions...but then gets sheepish because there's a woman he fancies...and that woman issssssss...! [punchline]

I glanced at the TV. The commercial break was over. Sweet.

If you go for a joke, especially in the manner fitting this story, then go for it all the way. "Sweet." is just so throwaway after your narrator's complete enthusiasm for everything else he/she has done (Rule the world? Awesome! But I could save it, instead! Also pretty awesome!). So you've got the setup here, the narrator is trapped in a moral decision. If you want the audience to face pan, then have us wrapped in this decision, thinkingthinking, casual glance at the tv, "Oo! My show is back on!" and an abrupt loss of train of thought and the narrator's sucked into the movie again. Otherwise, it's just...."Sweet. Fine. Whatever."

So those are my two cents. Humor builds off of expectancy. Either the punchline is expected yet still just as funny as you expected or it is a reversal of your expectations (irony). But you can't build humor without some construct. It can't just be thrown down on the table and BAM! there it is--Laugh at it.

sargsauce wrote:

So I can assume you’re Satan?”

Didn't we already say that he's the Devil?

DURR

Thought I'd edited that out. Dammit.

Anyway, thanks for the feedback!

Only7 thing I would change would be the giggling...it makes him sound girly:)

Personally, I like it. It's blunt and a bit childish. That's what I like about it. There aren't any grammatical mistakes I saw, nor spelling, so either you did well or I'm blind. I don't have much to say except keep writing. I want to see more of the Devil and God. And why use Dane Cook? There are a lot better comedians out there. *shakes head* But that's just my opinion.