Cantu Hominum (The Song of Men) EDIT

I do not remember how I came hence, into this pitted earth--entrenched
And caked in dust revered as bones, enwreathed in matted undertones,
Repeating, since embryo, since fetal light--repeating a mantra to rosy nights:
Look at me, an eye for an eye—look at me, your limbs for mine.

O Cantu hominum, how sweet the sound!

I, the daughter of whirring lines, as much I, the daughter of sanded time
Of rajas and buddhas and bishops and tramps
Of jailers, murderers, the Common Man,
Made from the ash of the primordial flame, I do not remember from whence I came.

Cantu hominum, Alleluia, sing!

Repeating, in unison, the hymn resounds—repeating, the chorus of dust profound:
Look at me, an eye for an eye—look at me, your limbs for mine.

And do not weigh this tune I sing—I know no fallacy in melodies
Chanted, galvanizing, beneath the shades—of the elm, sanctified, of the cross elite
Parched in Indian ink sublime, and raw-scratched in sinews, iron-cast
In the salivating pulse of the aortic valve
Of Adam, of Eve, and now—we process

Repeating, till hunched, till fatal light--repeating a mantra to ulcered nights:
Look at me, an eye for an eye—look at me, your limbs for mine.

O Cantu hominum, abide with me.



Sincere critiques please, point out all my awkward phrasing, vague imagery, and the such. Oh, and is my Latin accurate, if anyone knows? Thanks!

Hi ireylcadence, I'll give this a go here.

I do not remember how I came hence
Into this pitted earth--entrenched
And caked in dust revered as bones

That first line doesn't quite fit in with the verse scheme, but perhaps I'm just reading it wrong. It's a nice line though. I like the image here; "entrenched" is a strong verb which gives this beginning power. "Caked" is also strong.

Enwreathed in matted undertones,
Repeating, since embryo, since fetal light
Repeating a mantra to neon nights

Intriguing idea here, I'm interpreting the undertones and mantra as ingrained since birth, almost primordial things. I'm a little confused by the neon nights. The image makes me think of a downtown setting, or Vegas in a way. If it's only alliteration you're going for, I would suggest you find another image.

Of Liszt, Cervantes, of Jefferson
Of Confucius, Montaigne, of Edison
Of rajas and buddhas and bishops and tramps
Of jailers, of murderers, of the Common Man,

Interesting, but I'm having a real difficult time finding a common connection, so in effect it's otherwise a list of names that is just a list. I'm thinking that it might be a better idea to truncate this section into two lines and let one or two of those big names represent, in effect, famous people. Contrasting nobodies to legends in the same line might be more poignant.

We wan strange, I fear.

I'm guessing you mean "wane"? Except that kind of sounds weird when next to "strange".

Repeating, in unison, the hymn resounds,
Repeating the chorus of dust profound,
Look at me, an eye for an eye
Look at me, your limbs for mine.

Repeating...nice.

Of the elm, sanctified, of the cross elite
Parched in Indian ink sublime

So it looks like religion is playing a part here. Not sure if eye for an eye plays into that since it's in the Old Testament I think. I'm wondering if the Indian ink sublime is also intended as a religious image (as a contrast to Christianity)? Or perhaps it's just meant to play off the word "parched" as you want the entrenched-ness of the first stanza to be furthered here.

In the salivating pulse of the aortic valve

"Salivating" is an interesting word choice here. It has a nice sound to it within terms of the flow, but it brings an odd image to mind when I'm imagining a heart valve. Though, I would say that I am just thinking in terms of the traditional use for the word, so I wouldn't necessarily change the word. Imagining it as literally saliva and in the other sense, as a drive or urge, makes it a completely different image, but I think that is kind of a strength, to have those two different meanings.

You know, I fear.

I'm just not sure about this placed at the end here. I think one last repetition of that last stanza would end it nicely.

Thank you very much for taking your time to review this. Your comments were quite helpful.

Hey there! I love the sounds of this and there's such a strong, primal feel to it. Or at least there was for me. That Latin, the earthy imagery. Very nice. There's a few things that didn't seem to fit as snugly but I'd like to say I'm just nit-picking here. What you have is good, very rhythmic, very melodious.

I do not remember how I came hence, into this pitted earth--entrenched

[Oooh, good. I'd like to see a couple more syllables in the second half of this line though. The first is ten beats and then the second is eight which throws the rhythm off a little. You hit the word earth and you're expecting something more but it isn't there. There's just this big pause and while that's nice to emphasize entrenched - good word by the way - it's still throwing us.]

And caked in dust revered as bones, enwreathed in matted undertones,

[Two eights. Lovely, see this works better. Not sure about enwreathed though. I'm all for made up words when they sound good but this one sticks out and not really in a good way. Maybe entombed? Play on the bones and earthy theme?]
Repeating, since embryo, since fetal light--repeating a mantra to rosy nights: [Rosy, hmmm. Better than neon certainly but it feels like a sub word. Well it is a sub word but it shouldn't feel like one you know? It needs to fit in. Now you've got a lot of religious imagery here, I'm loving that. So you could make this rosary after the rosary beads? Or if you don't like that, go for something earthy.]

I, the daughter of whirring lines, as much I, the daughter of sanded time
Of rajas and buddhas and bishops and tramps
Of jailers, murderers, the Common Man,
Made from the ash of the primordial flame, I do not remember from whence I came.

[Just wanted to say awesome stanza. Love it. Although... not sure about whirring. Makes me think of washing machines and technology, probably not the image you was going for.]

I feel that your rhythm loses touch a little after this point but can't fault you on the wording so I'll leave that to you. That's pretty much everything I have to say. I really liked this, just felt that a few words were out of place but sincerely, thank you for the read.

Heather xx

Wow... That's quite a grand poem.

Some of the concepts are strange, and I don't really know what half of those words mean so I can't really offer much help with that. I can say that this poem won't appeal to a wide variety of audiances, but then that doesn't matter as long as you're enjoying what you write.

It also seems like it could be turned into a song. The lines are quite long, which isn't always good in a poem but you've pulled it off nicely, and kept the rhythm going the whole way through.

Good work! Keep it up