Reunion

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As Ryan pulled of to the old school, he felt a rush of nostalgia. The old brick building showed its age, and yet as he stepped through the main doors it seemed as if not a day had passed, as if he was again seventeen, pacing the halls unsure of his future and who he was.
He now worked as an engineer for a large company in the east; he was one of many employees, unknown to anyone higher up than the head of the department. This left Ryan feeling particularly unfulfilled in life. He had few close friends and he lived alone.
In all truth, it was a wonder to many, he knew, that he’d made it even this far. If there was a title for “least likely to succeed,” he was sure he would have been a main contender. He’d gotten involved with all the wrong people and made many wrong choices. He was a part-time attendee at best, barely managing to graduate the same year as his classmates.
Yet here he was, twenty years later, showing up for the high school reunion, feeling a stranger to his home town. Ryan wasn’t even sure what had brought him here, but as he pushed through the crowded, old gymnasium, he knew he was searching for a piece of himself that he had long since forgotten.
As the time began to drag by slowly, he was greeted by old acquaintances, always aware of the surprised curiosity that registered on their faces as he told them small tidbits about his life. No had believed he’d make anything of himself.
It was approximately an hour after his initial arrival that Ryan, nursing a beer at the back by the drink table, heard her laugh that sounded through the busy room, fleetingly familiar.
It was a sound that immediately brought him back to his youth in the west. Its airy quality reminded him of spring and the gory of new fallen rain.
As he stood listening for the melodic laugh that pulled at the worn strings of his heart, Ryan was aware of a male voice calling his name.
He turned, slightly annoyed at the interruption before he recognized the speaker. Adam Boyd, looking much more mature and refined than he remembered, inquired after him, and he recalled with a sense of guilt that he once treated the man terribly. As he spoke, his face showed soft lines forming around his eyes and mouth, as if he smiled often.
He continued on, realizing that Ryan didn’t wish to speak about his life, telling him about his job, his wife, who was expecting their second child, and his daughter, who had turned six in July. Sarah, he’d said as he showed him the small photograph. He decided there was something familiar about the soulful chocolate eyes.
Although he tried earnestly to pay full attention to the conversation, he was distracted by the occasional sound of that beautiful laugh, growing closer every time. It seemed as if Adam, too, paused to listen to the pleasing sound.
Moments later, his wife arrived, soft chestnut curls falling on her shoulders, a smile playing across her lips as she kissed her husband’s cheek. She turned very slightly, and it was then that Ryan noticed the unmistakeable dimples that surrounded her smile.
Elizabeth Harding. It was her laughter he had heard, reminding him of birds singing, or the haunting sound of church bells. Beth. They’d once been together, one spring long ago when they were young. Though she’d been gentle and kind and said the right things, he’d been young, and although it was no excuse, he’d left her, searching elsewhere to find himself.
He must have said her name, because she turned to see him, pausing a moment before recognizing him and pulling him in for a warm embrace. He hoped that neither Beth nor Adam would notice that he was left breathless. As they pulled apart, he looked into her eyes, noticing that Sarah was the perfect picture of her mother.
As the conversation flowed freely, Ryan felt bile rise up at the thought that she had married someone else. So easily he could picture their life together; Beth holding their child as tenderly as she held her hand to her swollen belly now. He realized with a sudden sadness that he had come here searching for her, hoping that she’d come doing the same.
That night as he stripped down and crawled under the sheets in his inexpensive motel room, he found that the bed seemed as cold and empty as he felt. For the first time he noticed that both the bed in which he currently resided and his own back home seemed too big for one.
As Ryan lay in the dark alone, he thought of Adam and Beth gazing tenderly into each other’s eyes, sharing everything in that simple glance. They would share it again, he knew, after they’d gone and checked on their sleeping daughter and retired to bed. He recalled with deep sadness, that Beth had once gazed into his eyes the same way, and he had not returned it.




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Oh my goodness, this was very good. Your grammer and spelling are nearly perfect, one thing I noticed though that made me laugh because it seemed so out of place was near the beginning when you used gory instead of glory!
Whatever no big deal though ;)
Another thing I like about this is your writing style, its very easy to follow and not confusing at all which makes reading/reviewing your work so much more fun and easy!
Overall great job, this piece was very sad and you did a very good job capturing that emotion. Well done!
*daydreamer
"A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere." ~courtesy of one of history's funniest men, Groucho Marx. ^_^




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d@ydre@mer27 wrote:Oh my goodness, this was very good. Your grammer and spelling are nearly perfect, one thing I noticed though that made me laugh because it seemed so out of place was near the beginning when you used gory instead of glory!
Whatever no big deal though ;)
Another thing I like about this is your writing style, its very easy to follow and not confusing at all which makes reading/reviewing your work so much more fun and easy!
Overall great job, this piece was very sad and you did a very good job capturing that emotion. Well done!
*daydreamer


That would probably be the result of abused keyboards at school! Thank you so much for your review. I was really eager for some feedback, as this is the first story I have actually managed to complete. I'm very pleased you enjoyed it. :)




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Your story is far too detached for us to feel what Ryan's feeling.

The old brick building showed its age, and yet as he stepped through the main doors it seemed as if not a day had passed, as if he was again seventeen, pacing the halls unsure of his future and who he was.

That is not enough for us to feel nostalgia. How does it show its age? Don't just tell us that he was unsure, give us something meaty to chew on. Don't just rely on cheap, overused phrases like, "It felt like no time had passed."
So, you've probably seen other reviews around this site saying this, but it's important enough to merit saying again and again. Show, don't tell. Don't just tell us that someone feels nostalgic. Don't just tell us that the building is old. Show us and let us form our own feeling. Or at least show and tell.
For example, I recently went back to my old middle school to vote. And it was nostalgic, but I didn't just say to myself, "This building is old and I feel nostalgic" but rather, "Hey, look, I can see over the bookshelves in the library" and "These hills aren't nearly as big as I thought" and "That's the room of my Spanish teacher whom I had a crush on. She's probably past her hay day."

This advice applies to most of your story. To name some instances:
This left Ryan feeling particularly unfulfilled in life. He had few close friends and he lived alone.

You can't just say someone is unfulfilled and leave it at that. Why is he unfulfilled? Did he want to be a dancer? Is the work too easy/too pointless/too infrequent? Does he eat macaroni dinners over the stove while watching The Rockford Files? Does he make up excuses to not make friends because he's ashamed of himself?

He now worked as an engineer for a large company in the east...it was a wonder to many

You don't just accidentally become an engineer. He went to college (at least a 2 year program and some experience in a lesser, engineering-related field). He got a degree. He worked hard because engineering is hard. But the way you have it phrased, you want us to believe the quick jump from "troublemaker who barely passed high school" to "engineer for a 'large company'" happened as if by dumb chance.

He’d gotten involved with all the wrong people and made many wrong choices

Generic generic generic. Did he kill a man or cheat on a test? Did he do marijuana or cocaine? Did he steal cars or just throw toilet paper on trees? There's a wide range that you're leaving this open to and glossing over it leaves us understanding even less and makes its shallowness apparent.

Yet here he was, twenty years later, showing up for the high school reunion, feeling a stranger to his home town.

Y'know, there's a often a ten year reunion, too. What made him skip that?

he was greeted by old acquaintances, always aware of the surprised curiosity that registered on their faces as he told them small tidbits about his life. No had believed he’d make anything of himself.

Show us their doubt. Make us feel their nagging suspicion. Make us feel as exasperated and fed up as Ryan is with this chit-chat and saying, "Yes, I didn't end up in the gutters."

It was approximately an hour after his initial arrival that Ryan

Phrases like this add to the stoicism and mechanical-nature of the story. "approximately an hour after his initial arrival." Really?

Its airy quality reminded him of spring and the gory of new fallen rain.

A kind of boring comparison we've heard a million times before. She was spring and fresh rain. Okay. Let his thoughts be fresh and true, not something he may have read off a Hallmark card.

he recalled with a sense of guilt that he once treated the man terribly

Come on. How? It would have been so much more telling of Ryan's character if it said, "He recalled with a pang of guilt that he had once peed in his locker." Or "called him 'Blubber Boyd' for 3 years." Or "punched his mom and ran over his cat."

Sarah, he’d said as he showed him the small photograph. He decided there was something familiar about the soulful chocolate eyes. Although he tried earnestly to pay full attention to the conversation,

Watch your use of "he this" and "he that." I'm assuming it's "[Adam said as he showed Ryan the photo. Ryan decided...Ryan tried to pay attention]..." but we have to tease it out of your writing, it's not immediately apparent.

unmistakeable dimples that surrounded her smile.

dimples surrounding a smile is...a strange way to put it. Like dimples on her chin and dimples under her nose, too. Surround almost has a harsh tone to it, too, like being surrounded by the enemy. "Framed" is a nice word to substitute that has the air of something that is "picture perfect."

And then you show us Ryan's emotion. That's good. He wants to throw up. He can picture their happy life with such certainty. Good.

in his inexpensive motel room,

in his cheap motel room gets the point across better. You say inexpensive when you want to put a nice ring to it, like it's a value. But you want him to seem petty, alone, and dismal. So use "cheap."

For the first time he noticed that both the bed in which he currently resided and his own back home seemed too big for one.

Eh, I don't know if you can put this realization here. Because you already said he was unfulfilled and he lived alone. It kind of comes with the territory, really, so he shouldn't be realizing for "the first time."
Also, again with the mechanical language. "The bed in which he currently resided." Sounds like an instruction manual.

Beth had once gazed into his eyes the same way, and he had not returned it.

Good ending line, with the regret of the reverse situation.

Anyway, welcome to YWS! Lemme know if you have any questions.




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Thank you so much for your review. It's nice to have someone give me advice on how to improve and make the story more interesting. I never really did go back and edit it. There's a lot of things I'll change the next time around and I'll definitely keep your suggestions in mind. I know there's a few things that don't really make so much sense, such as the "twenty year reunion," rather than the ten. Originally, I did have it as ten but I changed it to allow more time for him to upgrade his courses, etc. I'll definitely include more of the details when I revise it, both his past as he struggled with school and as he worked his way up. I will definitely take your advice and incorporate more feeling and try to change the mechanical nature of the story. Thanks for your help.



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