Dying Mother Earth

We burn the forests and kill the trees.

We force the earth upon her knees.

Ruling the earth with an iron fist, defiance flashes across Earth’s lips.

She fights back with storm and rage, tsunamis, floods and hurricanes.


The sky burns, deep red streaks.

All living things grow weak.

The ocean sifts around all the trash.

Pain and death plague the lives of all, everyone cries for the Earth to revive.

Greetings from the southern heat, Snicker! I just read through this poem of yours a couple of times and I must say that it has great potential! Now, as a reviewer, it's my job to make that potential shine brighter than Vegas in July. That said, understand that there's a lot of work that needs to go into this because, frankly, I want this to emanate significance. So, to get right down to the meat of the poem:

We burn the forests and kill the trees.
We force the earth upon her knees.
Ruling the earth with an iron fist, defiance flashes across Earth’s lips.
She fights back with storm and rage, tsunamis, floods and hurricanes.

This stanza needs some breaking up. I noticed that the last two lines (as written) contain the same pattern that the first two lines set up, but within themselves. Simple enough to fix up--just break them into two lines each. Aaaaand done:

We burn the forests and kill the trees.
We force the earth upon her knees.
Ruling the earth with an iron fist,
defiance flashes across Earth’s lips.
She fights back with storm and rage,
tsunamis, floods and hurricanes.

Now, there are two ways we can go about setting up this rhythm. And it's clear that you want one established. So, we can do three things: 9-8, 8-8, or 7-8. My preference is 7-8, so that's what I'll diagram for you, okay? Changes are marked in red.

Spoiler

We burn the forests and, kill the trees. give me a one-syllable word for 'forests' that fits. Also, lose the 'and' there and replace it with a comma, as I have noted.

We force the earth upon her knees. This line is fine.
Ruling the earth with an iron fist,
defiance flashes across Earth’s lips. These two lines are written in such a way that conveys the idea of defiance ruling the Earth. That needs to be fixed, and I think it can fix your rhythm problems as well.

She fights back with storm and rage,
tsunamis, floods and hurricanes. These two lines are my favorites. They're golden as far as rhythm and rhyme go, and content as far as I'm concerned.

The sky burns in deep red streaks.
All living things are growing weak.
The ocean sifts around all the trash.
Pain and death plague the lives of all; This line is just weak and sounds weird to me. Total replacement should do the trick, but stick with the same idea of pain and death and all that jazz.
everyone cries for the Earth to revive. This line is also nasty as far as rhythm goes, but I love the way you phrased this (half-way). Cloak it a bit more and fix the rhythm. You should be able to follow the pattern from the beginning to end without a hiccup.
You need to insert two more lines at the end of this stanza to match length.

Okay, so I know that I made a lot of markings and notes and suggestions and murdered a few things, but understand that it's because I want this poem to show the talent that I know you have inside you! The second stanza needs much more detailed work than the first, but it'll be alright in the end.

Be sure that you keep a copy of this original form somewhere so that you can always look back on how much you've grown from Square One to Square Ninety-Nine. You'll be amazed by what you see.

All-in-all, I did like this. However, I want more from it. And I know that you can give me more. So that's a challenge to you, Snicker: give me more.

I'll be looking for more literary miracles,

-Lumi

A very good poem indeed!!!! great descriptive, shows that you care about our world and what we have done to it. relating to the fact of real events, proves handy to your poem. im looking forward to see more!

Hello, Rain here. I liked this, it was short and simple, the main problem I found was that it has no set structure. I think if you have a set structure it would flow better and be a lot easier to read.

I also think that the you should stick with the rhyme throughout the poem.

Ok, so, here is what I have to say. ( I really didn't read the other reviews so if I repeat what they say, I'm sorry)
Red- Grammer mistakes
Blue- Things I think you should change to make the poem better, in my opinion, or from my expereance.
Pink/purple- Things I really like
Green- Aditional comments

We burn the forests and kill the trees.
We force the earth upon her knees. << I simply adore these two lines!

Now, I think it would be good to set up a structure were you have two lines in one stanza and the end words of those lines rhyme. Like the first two lines.

Ruling the earth with an iron fist,
defiance flashes across Earth’s lips. << So, to make this rhyme I suggest you change this word. I think the first line is a good solid line. But if you prefer the second line to stay the same, change the last word of the fist line.

She fights back with storm and rage,
tsunamis, floods and hurricanes. <<Now here, "rage" and "hurricanes" some what rhyme. I think you could keep this the way itbut if you think you could find away to make it rhyme completly then that would be good as well. Either way seems good to me.

The sky burns, deep red streaks.
All living things grow weak.<< I think you should change this line (still keep it in the poem, just in the next stanza. I think you should explain more the "red streaks" that are in the sky. Then start the next stanza with this line.

All living things grow weak.
Here I would make add another line. Something about the weakening things. I say this because I love the next line, and to stay with the structure and the rhyme you would need to change "trash" so simply adding another line to this and carrying "The ocean sifts around all the trash." to be the first line in the next stanza, it works.

The ocean sifts around all the trash.
Add another line her that rhymes with trash.

Pain and death plague the lives of all,
everyone cries for the Earth to revive. << Now just make this rhyme and your good!

I'm not sure if I made much sence with that, but, I hope it helps. I really liked the poem, the descripsions are really good and if you get a good rhyme going on it will be great!


~Rain~