The List *More**

It's funny how I got the idea for this: I was at the supermarket with my dad and asked "Do you have the list?" by that I meant the grocerey list!
I'm gonna try it. Can you comment please? Join my club: The List. It's made just for this novel!

My body was shivering in bed. I couldn't fall aleep.
The full moon brought in some light but my room was still in shades of black, grey and some white.

Every time some noise came my head bolted up to see where it came from.
Then, I heard some footsteps. Everyone in the house was asleep but there were footsteps.
Stomp, stomp, stomp.

I dug my head under the comforter to hide. It gave me warmth.

"Are you awake?" someone said as they shook me.

I couldn't see anything becuase it was pitch black under the covers.

"I think that she's asleep. We must leave the letter." A woman with a soft fairy like voice said.

I stopped shivering as I heard them walk away. When I got out of the covers I saw them disspear in thin air.
Some sparkles followed after them.
There was an envelope right next to my pillow the had sparkles as well. I grabbed my cell phone and flashed some light against it. My long hair fell onto my face so, I moved it away.
I picked up the envelope and opened it. There were beautifuly written letters in caligraphy. It was on an old sheet of paper.
My heart beat faster as I scanned the first words: Dear Beta,
I did not want to read anymore. I was afraid of what might be written. But, I had to read it someday...
I let the light from the cell phone lay once again on that very list.

I started to read the lines: Dear Beta, You have been granted this list. It is very important that you read this carefully. You are different than the rest of your world and you must help us. Beta, we are in danger! Soon the mortals are going to find out who we are. We need your powers to help our world.
Here is the list. If you do the first task the next one will come up. but, remember --the next task will only come when you do the first one.
All of Luck.
Cassandra Kolenburg

My heart sped up in shock. What is this?

I looked even more lower and saw a number.
1.) Come to Whelen

What is Whelen? Is it a city?
The words were in beuatiful sparkles. When I touched those words, my fingers started to light up. I moved them away breathing heavely. What was that?

I lifted my head and looked around my room. No magic in sight. Rather no people in sight. There is no such thing as magic. Is there?
Right, I only believe in Harry Potter magic. This cannot be magic.

I dropped the list on the phone and lay my head back onto my favorite blue peace sign pillow. My eyes closed as I drifted back to sleep.

*******
I woke up to the sound of quiet whispers. I opened my eyes and blinked constantly trying to wake myself up.
What I saw was pretty much unbelievable. Two people were sitting directly in front of me, staring as if I were some kind of crystal ball.
Their faces changed into smiles as they saw me waking up.

"Hello Bella," The fairy like voice spoke up.

Her red and pink hair fell down her shoulder in a long braid. She wore a long brown flowy dress.

I blinked once again when I noticed that she snaped her fingers and something poped up in her hand.
Her green like eyes stared into my blues'. They were happy and inocent, not like anybody elses.

"Here is a map," she said simply.

I sat up and saw the other person more clearly. He was about my age, sixteen, with brown short hair and very light blue eyes. He looked clearly out of place in this situation.

I reached out my arm to grab the map. It was very delicate once it layed in my hands. The map showed Whelen --it's some kind of Fairy city. That's unreal.

"You are this super wizard that can help us, but we don't need your help." The boy said coldly.

Obviously he doesn't like me right off the bat.

"Sh Trevor, that's not true!" The fairy lady said.

"Oh yeah? I'm stronger than that twig," he scowlded.

Okay, that's pretty far.

I decided to let my dry throat speak up. "Who are you?"

"Cassandra, I wrote it in the letter." Cassandra said.

"I know that, but what are you exactly and what the heck is this Whelen place?" I asked tiredly.

She sat more closer to me. I couls smell her flowery breath.

"I'm a fairy, he's my son --a wizard. We are different because his father is a wizard. Whelen is our hometown in Kolandra." she explained quietly.

I wrinkled my forehead.
Huh?
My heart beat slower as my head tried to process things. Wizard? Fairy? Whelen is my hometown in Kolandra? What the heck?

"You are a wizard too," Trevor spit out.

I looked at him for a second. "Hold on, I need time to process things. I'm a what?" I said shocked.

"Wizard," Cassandra replied.

"I know,"

"Than why'd you ask?" Trevor spoke up.

I jumped out of bed, letting the covers fall to the ground.
Trevor walked away from my bed to let me through. My feet hit the warm hard wood flooring as I yawned.

"Uh," I murmured.

"Good, you're up. Now get dressed and we shall go." Cassandra ordered.






______ that's all for now!______

well first off i thought it was really good and the ending made me wanted to read more, what was written on the letter??

Nike wrote:Every time some noise came

maybe that would sound better if you put every time i heard a noise instead and also

Nike wrote:Some sparles followed after them

i think you meant sparkles, thats all, please write more and maybe you could find the time to reveiw my story

Well Nike, this is a good start to your story, and opening with something that makes the readers ask a lot of questions and read more to find answers to those questions is hard to achieve, well done.
I like some of the sensory information you put in there, "my body shivered..." but I think you could defiantly add a lot more detail; "slow footsteps" instead of "their footsteps." Aside from that, all your piece needs is a little polishing.
Great job, I want to see what you're going to come up with next, especially with that "letter/list" part.

Sorry I couldn't give a more in-depth critique, my mom is adamant that I relinquish the computer to her.
-E.D.

Hey Nike,
This is great so mysterious, I can't wait to read more. I am super curious about the list of course, but the strange people in this girl's house, and sparkles? Ooh! Excited to read more, the only thing I found just a little blah was the whole dialoge,
"Hey, I guess she's asleep, we'll leave the letter with her."
That to me, was just a little blah, sorry, maybe try having the strangers call her by name, or use some crazy language, and then add something in english about the letter. Hope that helps!
Addawen

the only thing I found just a little blah was the whole dialoge,
"Hey, I guess she's asleep, we'll leave the letter with her."

I concur, not to seem abrasive, but you really should consider using a different line here. Of course, it all depends on who these two characters are, if they're lost fairies that speak in the 21st century slang of America that is completely acceptable; but "hey" or "I guess" seems a little out of place in the context of your story.
Try describing how their voices sound: are they harsh and grating, like claws on metal? Or are they more gentle, like the whisper of wind. Again, is their language understandable to your character? Or does she have any clue about what they're saying?
Food for thought.
~E.D.

Hello, Nike!
I enjoyed this piece. Very interesting. There were just a few things that caught my eye.
First, was the writing. I felt like you were tripping over your sentences, one after another. A little hard for the mind to grasp.
Also, it was just too fast. It went 'she did this, she did that, she did this, she did that,' then poof, we're five miles from where you were before and haven't gathered too much useful information.

But again...I enjoyed it! Thanks for sharing and keep writing!:)

--Lollipopper

Alright, so to comment on your newly added part (from the part where she reads the letter.):
Your imagery was well done… "My head brushed against the pillow..." "My fingers lit up as I touched the words..." and I would like to see more of that.
So, secondly, besides the above sentences, you are telling the reader as opposed to showing. "THERE WERE," THERE WAS," THEY WERE..." these are all clauses that tell us about them, but don't show us what is happening. Instead of "There were blue sparkles on the envelope," try "The envelope was dusted lightly with blue sparkles."
Also, as soon as I got to the part about the pink fairy, I thought. "Oh no, it's the wizard-of-oz/fairy-god-mother thing again." Not that this is entirely bad, but try to avoid clichés.
Also, you move us through the story at an eye blinking rate, try to describe things more. If this is a Wizard story, try to show us what's happening with the things that are commonly a likened to magic. (Such as wind, fire, light, etc.)
And now, speaking of Wizards...
When you mentioned Harry Potter, I immediately got the impression that I was along for a look alike, please reconsider that sentence. Also, I was wondering, are you trying to give us a more lighthearted/comedic tale? Or one laced with adventure and sudden peril? There seems to be an odd concoction of both in your story. I would recommend sticking to one ore the other, not both. If this is leaning towards the side of comedy, I would suggest to make every thing happen in quick succession. (E.g.: She gets the letter, reads it, and suddenly the two other people appear.) If you were going to do something dramatic, how about taking us somewhere other than the bed in her room. (E.g.: to her backyard, maybe she lives in a rural location and can slip into the woods.)
So, on to my final point, (and I think you can ignore all my other comments is you pay attention to this one...)
I noticed a HUGE plot hole! (dramatic music here) "Gasp," you say, "what could be so horrible?"
If these people from a distant land need help, why do they not use their powers of world-walking? Why do they come to an inexperienced, unwilling wizard?
I'm sure you were planning on explaining this later on in the story, but I would be greatly honored if you were to explain right away that this girl is different. That she is special or chosen. She has something others need. What is this?

And now that I have completely hacked your self-esteem apart (my deepest apologies) I am glad that you went on to continue this story, I hope you finish it. You chose a good, time tested premise, one that readers feel that they know immediately and thus are comfortable with. Now I challenge you to take us on an adventure, something that we could have never expected. A famous person once said that all stories that could be told have been told. I disagree. No one can tell a story in exactly the same way as you can, and that's what makes it YOUR story. That’s what makes it exciting.

Keep writing!
~E.D.
P.S.: Please PM me when you add another part.