The forbidden love in my fantasy

It would seem wired if we were together
It would seem strange to people if it was forever

But although our love is not real yet
I try to make it real and I know what we will get

I think positive thoughts and wish with all my might
Hoping we can be together even putting up a fight

I want you and me together; I want you to be mine
Because I think of you all the time

Because I really want to be with you
And in my head this is true
The only person I want is you

We do things, we say things, and we live as one
But although it’s my fantasy I try and make us together.

Hello, CaptainRandom! I'm Freak.

This poem was too cute. But, it needs work.

Nitpicks:

It would seem wired Do you mean "Weird?" if we were together (Period)
It would seem strange to people if it was forever (Period)

But although our love is not real yet
I try to make it real Saying "Real" again here ruins your flow and I know what we will get "Get" what exactly? Seems like an incomplete sentence

I think positive thoughts and wish with all my might (Comma)
Hoping we can be together even putting I think it would be better if "Putting" was simply "Put" up a fight

I want you and me together; I want you to be mine (Comma)
Because I think of you all the time

Because You just ended your last sentence with "Because" so, not only is it not proper, but it also messes up what flow you have I really want to be with you (Colon)
And in my head this is true (Period)
The only person I want is you (Period)

We do things, we say things, and we live as one (Comma)
But although it’s my fantasy I try and make "Make us together" completely ruins the rhythm you have. Maybe say something like, "But although it is my fantasy I do try to make us a pair" or whatever. us together. "Together" does not rhyme with "One," obviously, so it is super weird that your poems' stanzas rhyme except for this one.

I see what you were trying to go for here, but...It didn't work sadly. Your rhythm was horrible and you didn't have a flow. It almost felt uncomfortable reading this. With some tweaks here and there it could be a beautiful piece of art and I hope my review will helped you with that. Good job for the most part and write on. PM me for anything.

~Freak

Greetings I'm LastPaladin and I shall be your reviewer, in your case I think you tried too hard and it's clearly apparent throughout. It's hard to look deeper into this as it only seems to have a single meaning, but enough of my complaints I'll explain why I don't like it. And I hope by the end you'll understand what needs to be done to improve this. So let begins!

I'm not a grammar nazi, but something impossible to ignore the first misspelling of 'weird' stands out as the other word you put gives the poem a whole other meaning, it's sorely apparent about this, but I'll avoid grammar now, but I couldn't help pointing that out. Let me begin this only seems to have one layer and way it's done in such a way that the desire you wish is so bland and generic we find ourselves not caring, worse still comes across as incredibly whiny and juvenile, saying 'I want' or variation of, constantly get very tiring very quickly. You don't even allow us to experience this want it's practically here this, here that, and so on. Do we care, not really, we're not allowed chance to care.

Overall: This just seems rushed, and it evident trust me on that. It tries to not appear so, but the concept and ideas make it appear so. And it just seems in the end a list of wishes. It's not so much poetic as whiny.

Hope this helps.

Well, I think your rhyme is forced. You should try rewriting this without the rhyme, see if that changes your ideas at all.

You should also add some imagery, something to let us see what this is happening. Instead of saying I wish for happy nights, say I wish to dance with you over a thousand nights. Something, an action that we can follow and get an idea of what you're saying, instead of the vague ideas like that.

Good luck, keep writing.
Silented1.

Hey there! Love poetry huh? Well that's as good a place to start as any but it's one of the harder types of poetry. There's a lot that's already been done and with most love poetry, people are going to give it one glance and go, 'Meh. Seen that already.' You've got a solid theme here: forbidden love. Unfortunately, that's also a common theme. I'm not saying don't write on it. I'm saying be original. Ask yourself why this forbidden love is different from others. What makes it special? Why is it unique?

I'll let you think about that while I give you a quick line by line. There's a few words you use here that are salvageable and will make a good poem once you've put more thought into this.

It would seem wired if we were together [Wired. Like computers. I like that, I think if you extended the technology imagery you'd have some awesome lines.]
It would seem strange to people if it was forever [Strange is a dull word. The rhyme on forever sounds forced and forever... just don't go throwing that in just yet. In poetry, there are some words that are different. Some people would call them cliches but I like to think of them as power words. When used, they will either have a great impact or they'll put your reader off. These words are best reserved for later, once you've built some images up. You need to get set up before throwing in the punches.]

But although our love is not real yet
I try to make it real and I know what we will get [Ah this is possible cyber love? If so, throw those technology images in there like crazy! Then you could lead up to a revelation that they've only talked online and... yup. There's something I like to call potential ]

I think positive thoughts and wish with all my might
Hoping we can be together even putting up a fight [These lines add nothing to the poem. They're dull, they rhyme when they have no need to and it's an obvious rhyme. When you use it, try to be subtle and at least ask yourself why you've decided to rhyme. If it's because poetry rhymes, go find yourself a better reason.]

I want you and me together; I want you to be mine
Because I think of you all the time

Because I really want to be with you
And in my head this is true
The only person I want is you

We do things, we say things, and we live as one
But although it’s my fantasy I try and make us together.

Not sure about the rest of that. It all seems a bit like needless mush to me. This poem needs to spark emotions in other people and preferably not the reaction of awwwww. Unless it's heart-heartrendingly awwwww. In which case, great! But this is just cute awww and then the reader passes on and thinks never again of your poem. A poem should leave a lasting feeling or message with a reader and it should at least tell a story. Currently all this says is I love this guy but can't have him. There's no specific details, only vague hints and that's not enough.

Give it another shot. You'll get there. I hope this helps a little and feel free to pm me with questions,

Heather xx