Chapter Three- Not Here

3 posts
User avatar
Gender Female
Points 719
Reviews 562
"Another Alleyway Scene": In which there is a little bit more shuffling, some falling over, and then something altogether unexpected.



The man in cloths continued his shambling walk, though his pace had quickened. I felt more unnerved than ever, felt terror begin to creep inside me, dark and hysterical. I could only hope that it would help me escape when the time came. We were making our way down the extraordinarily long alleyway- I couldn’t see anything in the darkness. Our walk had been taken beyond the streetlight’s realm, and we were now far into the home of See Nothing and Trip Over Misc Objects. It wasn’t a good place to be in, especially when I couldn’t help but think that perhaps I would be one of those things to be tripped over for someone else in the future. I didn’t want to be a body in an alleyway.

But, my attacker had become a lifeline of sorts. He seemed to see everything that I couldn’t, seemed to know this route like an old friend. I wondered how many women there’d been before me who’d been subjected to this misery, this fear, this end of stupidity. Surely no one else had been as stupid as I had.

Throughout the journey, I’d spontaneously tugged at his grip in hopes of surprising him, thrashed and pulled, thrown myself away from him. He’d held on gently but firmly, just like before. The only reaction I managed to get out of him was when I’d fallen the last time. He’d thrown back his head and gave a quick bark. It took me a moment to realize it was a laugh. He then put out his free hand, grimly and gross, to help me up, as I awkwardly hung from my arm that was still connected to him, with my butt on the dirty concrete. I refused to take it. He’d given me an odd look with his head just barely titled, and surprised me by breaking the silence that’d been kept for a while.
“Alexandra- I’m sorry that you’re trying to resist this. But you’ll realize the importance soon enough. Because you must. You simply must.” His voice had sounded younger than before, like it was from a twenty year-old rather than someone of his age, who I was guessing to be in his sixties at least. It was difficult to say when he was so covered up.

It took me a couple of moments that he’d addressed me by name. I’d never told him my name. This was a whole new level of terrifying, and I felt my body suddenly tighten and everything go numb. I was about to throw myself from him again, fear renewed, when he abruptly stopped and caught me off-balanced. I bumped into him, and then gagged, revolted at touching the source of smell even more. He didn’t seem to notice. There were a series of noises from his direction, and I felt him give a quick tug on my wrist to the left. I put my hand out just in time to catch myself on what felt like a brick wall under my scrabbling fingers. They stung.

There were more quickly muttered words, and I couldn’t help but wonder what sinister thing he was chanting. I didn’t want to know, but this morbid part of me just couldn’t help but try to listen. I couldn’t make anything out that seemed even somewhat recognizable. It definitely wasn’t English.

I could only hope that whatever he was doing would distract him enough to release his grip, just a little bit. My body tensed and prepared, and I held my breath, listening with every pore of my body for when he let go. And then, the brick wall suddenly crumbled under my hands, falling into dust, and my body fell into an embrace with golden light. And despite having prepared for escape, I wasn’t prepared enough.



*



I fell through the wall, through the earth it felt, blinded by a warm golden glow, so different from that dank dark I’d been dragged in for who knows how long. But, my fall didn’t last long. An instant later, I found myself on something soft, still unable to see.

It took me a moment to reorient myself, and to realize that the homeless man no longer held my wrist. It took me another moment to wonder if I had just died. When I looked up and saw his silhouette amongst all the blinding light, I knew I hadn’t. Even Hell wouldn’t be so cruel.





Okay- so I'd originally ended this chapter at the asterisk. And then the second to last sentence. But I added on the beginning of fourth and the last sentence. Thoughts?




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 30301
Reviews 770
Hey there! Coral, right?

I'm Tanya. Well, I just read all three chapters and I have to say, you have talent. I love your descriptions, and although they tend to get a bit lengthy, they immediately pulled me into your story.

In the previous chapter, Skins suggested you condense the two first chapters into one. I agree, and maybe even this third one. Because three chapters of being dragged by a smelly old man, can be tedious. Us readers want action, and we want it now.

That being said, I can't wait to read your next chapter and where she's fallen into. Nicely done!

Tanya :D




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 44360
Reviews 1087
I'm finally here to review this, Coral!

Okay! You told me that these first three parts are actually all one chapter, right? I'm glad to have heard that because I was finding it a little odd how the first three chapters described the same thing. I know that you've said you're going to think about cutting down on the descriptions, so I won't mention that here. What I noticed at this part was that you were over-describing actions a little bit. ;)

There's only one real critique that I have, I think, and it's an overall one for the first three parts/first chapter. Don't get me wrong, it was written wonderfully, but when it comes down to it, it kind of lacks some action. If you look back, you'll notice that you describe the walk with the homeless man almost for the entire thing. That's part of the over-descriptive thing kicking in, I think. Now, I don't want you to make things blow up, have a load of ninjas jump in, and have a mutant cat or anything, but I do have a few suggestions for you. Remember though; take them with a grain of salt!

I'm guessing that your MC's being sent into another world or something along those lines. If that is the case, and she doesn't come back to normality any time soon, that bothers me a little. We haven't seen her life. I'd like to get to know your MC a bit more before we see her battling hobos and junk, although I have a feeling that the hobo could be something or someone unexpected. The very beginning would be a good place for this.

It begins with her walking home from work, if I remember correctly. Maybe you could show us her in work? Is her boss a cranky poo who constantly shouts at her? What about work friends? Is she sociable, or does she only have one or two friends in work. By adding small details like this, us readers will get to know your MC in a way where you're not telling us her personality, but showing it. Do you see what I'm getting at?

When it comes down to it, it's up to you what you do. You don't have to include all of this in the beginning, but that's just my take on things. I think that if you edit the first three parts of this, you could end up with a spectacular chapter. Maybe cut down on some descriptions, possibly make your MC's reasoning behind going with the hobo a bit more realistic, and just give it a small overall edit, and you'll be good to go! :D

Keep writing,

xoxo Skins
I didn't know what to put here so I put this.



As ideas are always better than their execution, so too must dough taste better than cookies.
— Horisun