Can You See Me? (Prologue)

Spoiler

This is the rough beginning of my new "project". I've just finished my previous novel, and because it's me, I'm writing a new one after a couple of days... Bare in mind that this is a first draft, so it'll be awfully sketchy. Also, I've never written anything in third person before, so that should be interesting. Overall, I just basically want to know if you guys think this has potential at all.

Oh, and also, the next chapters are going to be set in the future. Because of that, do you think this should actually be a prologue or a chapter? Thanks for reading, and also thanks in advance for any reviews. I'm eternally grateful.

For the Can You See Me? club, click here!


Can You See Me? ~ Prologue

Liam Bevan paced back and forth in the more or less empty hallway. He ran his hands through his coarse, dark hair, glancing at his watch for the fiftieth time. These things were supposed to be quick, so what was taking so long?
Everything’s fine, he tried to convince himself. Things like this happen all of the time, just relax...It’s going to be fine. No matter how much Liam ran that through his head, there was something unrecognisable in the pit of his stomach that couldn't help but contradict him..
Liam shut his eyes. He thought of his wife's smile, her laugh, her one sided grin.... He thought of the way Eirin would never leave a dinner table without brushing up the crumbs, and the way she always managed to convince their daughter that Bambi used to live in the forest behind their house.
He stopped pacing at the water tank; his throat felt coarse. Picking up the cup, it began shaking in his hand. Trying to calm himself, he pressed the grey button and water soon came rushing out of the facet. Liam lifted the cup to his mouth, pouring the icy water down his throat. He still felt nauseous.
He threw what remained into the filter at the bottom of the machine. Memories of his wife flashed before his eyes as he forced himself to sit down. A weak smile grew on his face. Merely five or so months ago, she managed to dye her hair an orange colour. How she did that, Liam had no idea. She'd wanted to touch up her highlights, apparently. Eirin would have preferred going to work headless than with bright orange hair. They had to drive around almost the whole of South Wales looking for a salon that was open at eleven o' clock in the evening.
The kids were over Eirnin's mother for the night, so they were in no haste to get home. Liam wasn't sure whether that was a good thing or not. They did find a salon eventually, even if it did mean trudging up a muddy country lane in the summer rain. When they found out that there was a salon parking lot, Liam felt like shouting a lot of curse words into the sky. His smile was stronger now. He wouldn't have had it any other way.
He ran his hand through his hair. Nothing could last forever, not even perfection, and that fact had slapped him in the face. He sighed, rubbing his temples. Liam's foot couldn't help but tap against the floor, creating a rhythmic echo in the hallway. He hadn’t even heard the news yet.
The operating room doors slowly opened, revealing a rather small man wearing a green surgeon’s outfit. Liam froze. He searched the man’s face, begging that it would reveal something about what he would soon say. Nothing.
There was a thin smile spread across the surgeon’s pale lips. Still nothing. His eyes weren’t taken off the man’s face for a single moment. He nodded at Liam before sitting in the seat beside him. There was something wrong. There had to be.
“Hello, Mr. Bevan.” The man held his hand out for him to shake. “I’m Dr. Ray Porter.”
Liam didn’t care what his name was, and right now, he didn’t feel like shaking anyone’s hand.
He hurriedly shook Ray Porter’s hand, wishing he’d just tell him what on earth was going on - or more importantly, where his wife was.
“As you’re aware, several complications have occurred with your wife’s pregnancy, resulting in an emergency caesarean section.”
Don’t tell me what I already know. Bloody get to it already.
“During surgery, we realised that things weren’t quite going to be as easy as we originally thought. Your wife was losing, and had, lost an awful amount of blood. We had to be awfully caref-”
“Where is she?” He cut off the surgeon.
If there was one thing Liam couldn’t stand, it was tip toeing around a subject. Tip toeing around something like this tightened his chest, made a lump form in his throat. People didn’t avoid a subject for no reason.
Ray Porter quickly shut his mouth, lifting his hand to the bottom of his chin. The man appeared to be thinking. Liam wished that he would stop hesitating every few seconds; these were his feelings he was messing with. He knew that Ray hated these situations because it was written all over his thoughtful face. The way he was avoiding his eyes, rubbing his chin. Small, but noticeable, body language that gave so many things away. The surgeon inhaled deeply.
“I’m sorry, Sir, we did everything we could. It was too late for us to save your wife.”
All that Liam could do was stare. No... Things like this didn’t happen, not in real life. Only on the television, in the media. Eirin was fine yesterday, more beautiful than ever. She couldn’t just be... be gone. Not like that. She was smiling, laughing... No...
He clenched his fists, feeling a lump jolt up his throat.The calmness in Ray Porter's voice made him feel mocked. Nothing about this moment felt calming. Liam's chest tightened, his breath being cut short. He had to be dreaming - he begged to God that he was dreaming. The kids? Meredith and Aiden... They couldn't have their mother ripped out of their lives in one night; they didn't deserve that.
Liam didn't deserve that... His foot began tapping against the tiled floor again. He'd just gotten a promotion; everything was going so well... They'd had some issues with money in the past, and they'd often had to ask relatives if they could borrow some. It was all okay now though... Not that it even mattered. He had his wife and his children; that was all he needed. He didn't even have that now.
As Ray Porter watched him, his careful smile grew weaker due to Liam's harsh face. He must have been expecting a yell of joy or something; at least to have been asked to see the child. Ray slowly removed his thick glasses form his face, observing Liam's face in more detail. He watched the man's face drop.
That news should have created a warm feeling, filled part of the hole that was forming in his heart, but that was impossible for Liam. He stood up again, his fists clenching tighter. He’d lost the one thing he’d always loved, the one person he couldn’t even bare to think about life without. All because of the fact that she became pregnant with that child. If the pregnancy hadn’t happened, he wouldn’t have been grieving. Eirin wouldn’t have been dead.
The surgeon had his eyes on him now, his lips pressed together. He watched Liam as he began pacing back and forth again. He grabbed a cup from the water tank; poured the water in it. Like before, it failed to soothe his dry throat. He was picking at the rim of the cup now, his jaw clenched.
They’d saved the baby... Why hadn’t they saved her? Was the baby more important than her? Is that what they thought? No, this couldn’t have been happening...
“Why... Why couldn’t you save her?” Liam croaked, facing Ray again. “Why could you save it, but not her?”
Ray Porter’s eyes widened, unsure of what he’d just heard. The man was lucky his son was alive, let alone healthy. He shuffled in his seat, still watching Liam.
“Well, it was either two deaths or one, Sir. Your child was the only one with a real chance. Either way, your wife wouldn't have made it. We didn’t have much of a choice.”
He squeezed the now empty cup in his hand, the plastic crackling quietly. Had they even tried to save her? What was so complicated? Someone couldn’t just die like that... Not Liam’s perfect wife. She was strong; how could some short operation, lasting minutes break her so easily? Liam's grip tightened, crushing the cup now.
He tried his very hardest to shake the thoughts out of his head. It was his child... He couldn't think like that. He shouldn't have. But he did. No... He prayed the dreadful thoughts would leave his mind, but he couldn't do what was impossible.
Throwing the cup into the bin, Liam’s chest remained tight. It wasn’t fair... Why had everything gone wrong? They didn’t even want this stupid kid. It was a mistake. Meredith and Aiden were planned; there were no problems with them. They hadn’t harmed Eirin, so why did this one have to?
He resisted every urge to punch at the wall, and instead, he strained his fists until his knuckles were bright white. Eirin didn’t deserve this. She’d done so much good in her life. What had that baby ever done?

*****

A red-haired woman stood by the tiny child in the incubator before her, making sure that he remained stable. Other nurses fussed around with medical equipment in the plastic shelves, along with documents and papers.
The baby had a surprisingly thick mop of white hair on its fragile head, his eyes a deep blue colour, exactly like his mother. There was a specially made tag wrapped around the baby’s tiny wrist with writing scribbled over it.

Name: N/A
DOB: 13/11/95
Gender: Male
Mother: Eirin Bevan

She smiled gently, trying to hush the baby as a couple of weak cries escaped his mouth. He tried kicking his legs and waving his arms, but they were far too weak to move at all. All that the child was able to do was twitch feebly.
The cries began to escalate as the young nurse tried to calm the child down. She couldn’t soothe the baby though because no matter what she did, it was impossible for her to realise the cause of the tears and screaming.
In the corner of the room was a bright light; so white, it almost appeared to be clear. The light soon expanded to reveal a figure of a woman. Her fragile features matched the ones of the infant being hushed by the nurse.
The room lit up with the white light, instantly warming the air. The woman in the light allowed her lips to curve upwards as she laid her eyes upon the baby, whose crying had lessened slightly. As the woman's figure became brighter, the infant's sobbing calmed down. Not for long.
The light around the woman turned a sudden grey colour, darkening all too quickly. Within seconds, it was a midnight black. The air in the room became tight, almost as though it was choking something. Darkness sneaked into the atmosphere, becoming far too heavy. The woman in the now black light’s face fell, her arms rapidly reaching out for something she wasn’t quite able to grab.
A sudden smell of something bitter and unnatural filled the room. It spread a sickening feeling that took over a a person's senses, crawling into their nose and sticking to their throat. A swirl of black smoke wrapped itself around the woman’s body, pulling her into the light still forming behind her.
It stole Eirin Bevan from this world, forcing her into another.
As quickly as she'd appeared, she was gone. Nothing remained but the echo of a terrified scream.
While the woman was vanishing, the young nurse continued soothing the baby, not turning around once to look at the darkness behind her. Not feeling the choking feeling, the tightness around her body. What had just happened was invisible to the naked eye. It was impossible to feel, hear, or smell. Or at least it should have been. There was one, small exception.
His lungs aching from the screeching, the newborn baby could see the darkness clearer than anything else in his new world right now. It was terribly, terribly wrong.

Click here to join the club for Can You See Me? Or die..

Alright, so that was a interesting beginning.
I noticed something. In somplaces you describe too much

Aeron Wynne died the day her son was born.
While everyone else was fast asleep in her house, that Friday morning, Aeron was sitting in her en suite bathroom, cold sweat racing down her creased forehead. The sound of her husband’s snoring crept through the cracks in the closed door, leaving her no moment of silence.
She placed her hands firmly over her swollen stomach, rubbing it, hoping for the tight cramping feeling to drift away. Her body and mind had been caring for a child for seven months, but what she was feeling now wasn’t right.
Aeron was used to having uncomfortable nights while pregnant; she’d had it with her first two children, but tonight was different. It may have been a mother’s instinct, or it may have just been the pain, but Aeron knew something was wrong.
Should she have woken her husband? He’d had a terribly exhausting day in work though, so Aeron didn’t like the thought of waking him. He’d been working ever so hard lately, especially after she fell pregnant. Then again, the pain she was bearing was almost tearing her stomach apart.
No, she wouldn’t wake her husband. It was merely another restless night. Aeron tried going along with what her mind told her, but every other part of her body forced her to think otherwise. She stood up, her hands shaking as she reached out for the bathroom door.
That was when she felt a warm liquid suddenly flood down her legs.

Like here. YOu literally threw the description at the reader, moving too fast. Slow down. I want to feel her pain, as bad as it is. Just Don't hold back.

But there, here

In the corner of the room was a bright light; so white, it almost appeared to be clear. The light soon expanded to reveal a figure of a woman. Her fragile features matched the ones of the infant being hushed by the nurse.
The room lit up with the white light, instantly warming the air. The woman allowed her lips to curve upwards as she laid her eyes upon the baby. That was when the tears really started to fall down his flushed face.
The light turned a sudden grey colour, darkening all too quickly. Within seconds, it was a midnight black. The woman’s face fell, her arms rapidly reaching out for something she wasn’t able to quite grab. A swirl of black smoke wrapped itself around the woman’s body, pulling her into the light still forming behind her. As quickly as she appeared, she was gone. Nothing remained but the echo of a terrified scream.
As the woman disappeared, the young nurse continued soothing the baby, not turning around once to look at the darkness behind her. You see, what had just happened was invisible to the naked eye. Or at least it should have been. There was one, small exception.

You don't describe as much. Honestly, I rather your over-description, it give me more for a mental image. Here, though, again, put it all the basics, emotion, description without being telly.

I hope that helped
~WickedWonder

Ok, I like this. The bit at the end was a bit hard to understand, but on the whole, the chapter was good. I saw the title and it just grabbed me, and I can't wait to find out what happens. I think you do need to slow down a bit, but I do appriciate that it's hard to do sometimes - the words just keep flooding out and it's hard to ease the pace of them.

Wickedwonder has already noted the description, so I won't go over that. It's generally great, don't worry. Keep writing and I'll keep reading.

-NeutronStar-

Skinsy! Tis me, your mortal enemy/sister in law

I remember the original first chapter of Can you see me, and this is a definite improvement. Wow.

I had wanted you to continue posting because I'd genuinely liked where you were going with your story but I'm enjoying this one much more.

I loved the pain you started with; the mother's obvious care for her child. I loved the father's obvious love for the wife.

The ending was great; it gave us an idea of how special this boy is. I really can't wait to read more of this!

Tanya

Hey Skinsy! I'm here to review!

Wow, so I really really enjoyed this! Definitely hooked me and made me want to read more; I love the cover art, by the way, and I like the idea of where this story is going.

Before I forget -- about the prologue/first chapter issue, I think you could get away with either one. It's long enough to qualify as a chapter, and not quite a prologue, but if the rest of the story is about the baby as he's growing up (just my guess), then this could also be a prologue. So, I guess it's really just up to you. I've heard that editors don't care for prologues; just something to keep in mind if you're hoping to publish this.

Okay, now onto the story!

Skins wrote:Aeron Wynne died the day her son was born.

Love this first line. Caught my interest at once.

She placed her hands firmly over her swollen stomach, rubbing it, hoping for the tight cramping feeling to drift away.

"Hoping for" sounds awkward; maybe you could reword it to something like, "hoping that the tight cramping feeling would drift away."

"What's happening?" Aiden asked, jumping out of bed. "Are we getting attacked by aliens with guns and lasers?"

Ah yes. Young boys. Good depiction here.

Slightly dazed, he dropped himself onto one of the blue, plastic chairs opposite the room his helpless wife lay in. She’d be fine...
*space here*
Minutes later, Aeron Wynne took her last breath.
*space here*
Liam paced back and forth in the more or less empty hallway.

Okay, I really like the concept you have here of changing from Liam thinking it's going to be all right to Aeron dying, but the way it switches is just too abrupt. We're jerked to the room where Aeron dies, then jerked right back again to Liam. I think if you put a separation between each of the three paragraphs (it wouldn't even have to be symbols, just an extra blank paragraph space, as I put in blue), it would work. Plus, it'll give the single paragraph about Aeron a bit more of a dramatic flair.

Ray Porter quickly shut his mouth, lifting his hand to the bottom of his chin. Why did he always do this? This man didn’t deserve to be told a book load of facts, half of which he already knew. Ray despised doing this. He looked back at Mr. Wynne and inhaled heavily.
“I’m sorry, Sir, we did everything we could. It was too late for us to save your wife.”
All that Liam could do was stare. No... Things like this didn’t happen, not in real life. Only on the television, in the media. Aeron was fine yesterday, more beautiful than ever. She couldn’t just be... be gone. Not like that. She was smiling, laughing... No...
Ray Porter watched as Mr. Wynne’s face whitened, his lip shaking. Small pools of water tried their best to escape from his eyes, his thoughts electrifying through his mind.

There is a lot of POV-switching in this short space that makes it confusing. Red is Ray's POV and blue is Liam's...see how it's, again, a bit too abrupt of a change? As the reader, I'm head-hopping too quickly.

Ray grew a small, but genuine smile on his face. “I’m ever so sorry, Sir.” Liam turned away from the wall his eyes were fixated to, and looked at the surgeon. “Your child though... He’s weak and will need a lot of help, but he’s going to be fine.”

Um...I wouldn't expect someone to smile while they're apologizing. While he's telling Liam that the baby was saved, though, I can believe it. Maybe you could just place the timing of his smile a little closer to when he gives the info about the baby.

They didn’t even want this stupid kid. It was a mistake.

Oh no...poor little baby. D:

The woman allowed her lips to curve upwards as she laid her eyes upon the baby, who's crying had lessened slightly.

Whose.


Okay, so that's all I have to say! Really good start; please let me know when you post more!

Hey Pea-brained Welsh person, here as requested,

And I loved it. For your first time seriously writing in third person, this was great. You have this knack for bringing your characters to life, and making the reader feel pity for them. This was 10,000 times better than the original, it's obvious how you have grown as a writer, your style is very dramatic, and much more descriptive. The scene you had set was so vivid, and I think this should be a prologue with the story starting with the boy's life (in my opinion.)

On to the proper review.

Opening.
Your opening was very dramatic, and it summed up what was going to happen in a sentence BUT I don't think it was really needed. Without that opening your story would have been just as good, so it was kind of just hanging there as an accessory, even though I like the big (DUN DUN DUN) feeling I get when I read lines like those. Also, I like how much your description has grown.

While everyone else was fast asleep in her house, that Friday morning, Aeron was sitting in her en suite bathroom, cold sweat racing down her creased forehead. The sound of her husband’s snoring crept through the cracks in the closed door, leaving her no moment of silence.

I am so proud my child.

Your characters were very well tailored, and I could anticipate every move they were going to make, and I'm not sure if this is a good thing or bad thing. They have such emotional quality in them though, so I guess that makes up for them being so tailor-made, if you understand what I mean. (If you don't, you need to grow a new brain...I keed, I keed!

I like the style of writing, and I think third person works very well with the way you write. Although there were some bits in the story where your characters minds changed so fast, it was hard to know who was who? And who was thinking?

You are not yet fully accomplished with 3rd Person, but I think with practice you could be very good. Keep writing, and PM me linkage of the 1st chapter.

Hope this helped you,

Anger.

P.S I found a typo -needed a microscope though- AND I lost it.

hey this is actually kind of cool you know, except for the last bit I guess, that was confusing. I think you should have given a little more attention for Liam's feelings towards the new kid and I think he should have been just a little more kinder........there were few minor grammartical errors like "That was when she felt a warm liquid flooded down her legs"
Why not try "That was when she felt warm liquid flooding down her legs"?

Over all this was extremely creative and enjoyable! Thanks for the awesome entertainment!

Hiya Skins! Here to review :3

In case anyone was wondering, Aeron is pronounced like A-ron. It's a Welsh thing... Just go with it...

Aaron is a strange name for a woman?

Aeron Wynne died the day her son was born.

I know you're foreshadowing here, but I don't know if I like it, as immediately you're revealing to the reader that you know exactly what's going on, and you've given away the fact that Aeron dies. Perhaps, "Aeron Wynne knew something was wrong" or, "Aeron Wynne felt a heavy feeling of dread that she just couldn't shake off." If your story was about a murderer, and you started off, "The news made headlines: Jack the Ripper would rather die than go into custody." and your story is about the murderer dying... well, we know that Jack dies - the story better be bloody good, because we know the ending now.

He’d had a terribly exhausting day in work though, so Aeron didn’t like the thought of waking him. He’d been working ever so hard lately, especially after she fell pregnant.

Do you need the describing word "terribly"? And "ever-so-hard" isn't really a modern phrase.

The fluid hastily seeped down Aeron’s legs, eventually spilling onto the ice cold floor she was standing on. She flung her hand towards the door handle again, only to notice something red running down her legs.

"She flung her hand towards the door handle again, only to notice that the liquid running down her legs was red." Aeron knows what red means. "Something red" doesn't seem like a coherent thought.

Gusts of wind exploded through the open window, one she could have sworn Liam had shut before they went to sleep.

This doesn't really seem necessary towards the story - would a woman who's having a premature birth really be focusing on open windows?

As Liam Wynne allowed his heavy eyelids to open, a state of confusion overtook him. Through blurred eyes, he could see his wife’s pale face above him.

Woah, this was an odd transaction. Generally if this is all one scene and there is no paragraph break, this whole prologue should be from the point of view of Aeron. The sudden change to Liam's POV is jarring.

Leaving his wife in their bedroom for as short of time as possible, he rushed into his children's room, instantly waking them up. He needed to get them somewhere... anywhere as soon as possible.

I don't think this a very logical progression of thought. The first thing I, personally, would have done, would have been to call an ambulance. Immediately. While the below dialogue between the children and the father is cute, it just seems strange that the father is more concerned with his living children, than his wife who could possibly die/lose the child.

Liam did the first thing that came to his mind; he'd ask the neighbours to take care of them. He would be willing to wake the entire street up if he had to. It wasn't long until Liam, Cassie and Aiden were outside. The Winter air nipped at their noses, white steam curling out of their mouths every time they breathed.
A quick explanation was all that was needed to convince The Wynne's elderly neighbour to take care of Aiden and Cassie. The children themselves had more or less no idea what was going on, but everything about their father scared them right now. His voice was rugged, his eyes red and his mouth trembling as he spoke. Aiden had noticed that he kept on doing that thing where he'd rub his arm religiously.

... This makes no sense. At all.

1) Parents always have a plan for pregnancy: "Yeah, Cousin Charlie said she'd babysit the kids while we're in hospital", "Mum said she'd be happy to take care of the kids" etc etc. So it's really strange that Liam would go to the next door neighbour who had to be talked to about what was going to to accept the task, when in reality, a neighbour would know that the woman next door was pregnant, again.
2) The waiting room at the hospital. The children could have come with them to the hospital, where Liam could then have arranged for someone to pick them up.
3) The last sentence has swapped to Aiden's point of view. Be careful of this.

After thanking the neighbour in a haste, kt didn’t take Liam long to drive Aeron to the hospital; it was only ten minutes or so away. Within those ten minutes, things had deteriorated quickly. Aeron’s head was spinning rapidly and the pain in her body became worse as every moment passed, not to mention the bleeding. The one thing she feared was fatal.

"The one thing she feared was fatal" - what did you mean here?

Minutes later, Aeron Wynne took her last breath.

I hope you have a good reason for why Aeron dies Because death during pregnancy/giving birth is a very rare thing in first world countries. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Maternal_death

Liam and Aeron had been together for almost twelve years now, yet they were both only twenty-six. Having two children by the time they were twenty-three gained them a lot of judgmental attention, but they didn’t take any notice, let alone care.

Numbers should be hyphenated.

He often wished that he could spend all of his time with his family, but he knew that his income was vital. When Aeron became pregnant with their third child, working the hardest he could became vital.

The Pill costs at most $50 for four months worth of contraceptive. Raising a child to age 18 costs $250 000.

Ray Porter quickly shut his mouth, lifting his hand to the bottom of his chin. Why did he always do this? This man didn’t deserve to be told a book load of facts, half of which he already knew. Ray despised doing this. He looked back at Mr. Wynne and inhaled heavily.

Another sudden change in perspective.

The calmness in Ray Porters voice made Liam feel mocked.

"Ray Porter's voice mocked Liam with its calmness."

The tears in his eyes did not dither at all and he only eame whiter.

“Why... Why couldn’t you save her?” Liam croaked. “Why could you save it, but not her?”

I like this. It's a real human response, and I feel very sorry for the newborn baby.

There was a specially made tag was wrapped around the baby’s tiny wrist with writing scribbled over it.

A sudden smell of something unexplainable, something unnatural filled the room. If anyone would have smelt it, they would have felt sick as it crawled in through their nose, sticking to their throat.

Okay, right here, I'm extremely excited about what's going to happen next. This is where you should start the story, and then rearrange some things. I'll show you what I mean later.

You see, what had just happened was invisible to the naked eye. It was impossible to feel, hear, or smell. Or at least it should have been. There was one, small exception.
His lungs aching from the screeching, the newborn baby could see the darkness clearer than anything else in his new world right now. And that was terribly, terribly wrong.

Wonderful. I think I'm going to enjoy this story

So, this is what I meant (spoilered for length):

Spoiler

Liam paced back and forth in the more or less empty hallway. He ran his hands through his coarse, dark hair, glancing at his watch for the fiftieth time. These things were supposed to be quick, so what was taking so long?

Everything’s fine, he tried mentally convincing himself. Things like this happen all of the time, just relax...It’s going to be fine. No matter how much Liam ran that through his head, there was something unrecognisable in the pit of his stomach that told him otherwise.

Liam and Aeron had been together for almost twelve years now, yet they were both only twenty six. Having two children by the time they were twenty three gained them a lot of judgmental attention, but they didn’t take any notice, let alone care. They were happy, and that was the only important thing in their mind.

Sure, Liam had to work long hours to support his family. He often wished that he could spend all of his time with his family, but he knew that his income was vital. When Aeron became pregnant with their third child, working the hardest he could became vital.

Taking care of their two children was hard work, and juggling careers, friends, family, and plain old fun along with that was even harder. That didn’t matter though because neither of them would have had it any other way.

Liam shut his eyes. Nothing could last forever, and that fact had slapped him in the face now. He sat back down on the chair. He hadn’t even heard the news yet.

The operating room doors hesitantly opened, revealing a rather small man wearing a green surgeon’s outfit. Liam froze. He searched the man’s face, begging that it would reveal something about what the man would soon say. Nothing.

There was a thin smile spread across the surgeon’s pale lips. Still nothing. Liam’s eyes weren’t taken off the man’s face for a single moment. He nodded at him before sitting in the seat beside Liam. There was something wrong. There had to be.

“Hello, Mr. Wynne.” The man held his hand out for Liam to shake. “I’m Dr. Ray Porter.”

Liam didn’t care what his name was, and right now, he didn’t feel like shaking anyone’s hand. Where was Aeron?

He uncomfortably shook Ray Porter’s hand, wishing he’d just tell him what on earth was going on. More importantly, where his wife was.

“As you’re aware, several problems have occurred with your wife’s pregnancy, resulting in an emergency caesarean section.” Don’t tell me what I already know. Bloody get to it already. “During surgery, we realised that things weren’t quite going to be as easy as we originally thought. Your wife was losing, and had, lost an awful amount of blood. We had to be awfully caref-”

“Where is she?” Liam cut off the surgeon.

If there was one thing Liam couldn’t stand, it was tip toeing around a subject. Tip toeing around something like this tightened his chest, made a lump form in his throat. People didn’t avoid a subject for no reason.

Ray Porter quickly shut his mouth, lifting his hand to the bottom of his chin. Why did he always do this? This man didn’t deserve to be told a book load of facts, half of which he already knew. Ray despised doing this. He looked back at Mr. Wynne and inhaled heavily.

“I’m sorry, Sir, we did everything we could. It was too late for us to save your wife.”

All that Liam could do was stare. No... Things like this didn’t happen, not in real life. Only on the television, in the media. Aeron was fine yesterday, more beautiful than ever. She couldn’t just be... be gone. Not like that. She was smiling, laughing... No...

The calmness in Ray Porters voice made Liam feel mocked. Nothing about this moment felt calming. Liam's chest tightened, his breath being cut short. He had to be dreaming - he begged to God that he was dreaming. The kids? Cassie and Aiden... They couldn't have their mother ripped out of their lives in one night; they didn't deserve that.

Ray watched as Mr. Wynne’s face whitened, his lip shaking. Small pools of water tried their best to escape from his eyes, his thoughts electrifying through his mind.

“I’m ever so sorry, Sir.” Liam turned away from the wall his eyes were fixated to, and looked at the surgeon. “Your child though..." Ray grew a small, but genuine smile on his face. "He’s weak and will need a lot of help, but he’s going to be fine.”

It felt good for those words to flow out of Ray's mouth. After sentences of dreadful news had left it, the cleansing of words like that made Ray Porter's negative emotions settle slightly.

He glanced at the man opposite him, eagerly waiting for a response. Waiting for a warm smile, or a sigh of relief from Mr. Wynne. It was strange though. Liam Wynne's reaction was far from expected. The tears in his eyes did not dither at all and he only eame whiter. Ray furrowed his eyebrows, baffled.

That news should have created a warm feeling, filled part of the hole that was forming in his heart, but that was impossible for Liam. He’d lost the one thing he’d always loved, the one person he couldn’t even bare to think about life without. All because of the fact that she became pregnant with that child. If the pregnancy hadn’t happened, Liam wouldn’t have been grieving. Aeron wouldn’t have been dead.

They’d saved the baby... Why hadn’t they saved her? Was the baby more important than her? Is that what they thought? No, this couldn’t have been happening...

“Why... Why couldn’t you save her?” Liam croaked. “Why could you save it, but not her?”

Ray Porter’s eyes widened, unsure of what he’d just heard. The man was lucky his son was alive, let alone healthy. He shuffled in his seat.

“Well, it was either two deaths or one, Sir. We didn’t have much of a choice.”

Liam clenched his fists. Had they even tried to save Aeron? What was so complicated? Someone couldn’t just die like that... Not Liam’s perfect wife. She was strong; how could some short operation, lasting minutes break her so easily?

Jolting up from the seat, Liam’s fists remained clenched. It wasn’t fair... Why had everything gone wrong? They didn’t even want this stupid kid. It was a mistake. Cassie and Aiden were planned; there were no problems with them. They hadn’t harmed Aeron, so why did this one have to?

Liam resisted every urge to punch at the wall, and instead, he strained his fists until his knuckles were bright white. Aeron didn’t deserve this. She’d done so much good in her life. What had that baby ever done?

* * *

In another room, there was a red haired woman, gently wrapping up a small baby boy in a soft, blue blanket. Other nurses fussed around with medical equipment in the wooden shelves, along with documents and papers.

The baby had a surprisingly thick mop of white hair on its fragile head, his eyes a deep blue colour; exactly like his mother. There was a specially made tag was wrapped around the baby’s tiny wrist with writing scribbled over it.

Name: N/A

DOB: 13/11/95

Gender: Male

Mother: Aeron Wynne

The nurse smiled gently, hushing the baby as a couple of weak cries escaped his mouth. He tried kicking his legs and waving his arms, but the blanket kept them still.

The cries began to escalate, the young nurse trying to calm the child down. She couldn’t soothe the baby though because no matter what she did, it was impossible for her to realise the cause of the tears and screaming.

In the corner of the room was a bright light; so white, it almost appeared to be clear. The light soon expanded to reveal a figure of a woman. Her fragile features matched the ones of the infant being hushed by the nurse.

The room lit up with the white light, instantly warming the air. The woman allowed her lips to curve upwards as she laid her eyes upon the baby, whose crying had lessened slightly. As the woman's figure became brighter, the infant's sobbing calmed down. It wasn't for long though.

The light around the woman turned a sudden grey colour, darkening all too quickly. Within seconds, it was a midnight black. The air in the room became tight, almost as though it was chocking something. Darkness sneaked into the atmosphere, becoming far too vivid.The woman in the now black light’s face fell, her arms rapidly reaching out for something she wasn’t quite able to grab.

A sudden smell of something unexplainable, something unnatural filled the room. If anyone would have smelt it, they would have felt sick as it crawled in through their nose, sticking to their throat. A swirl of black smoke that created a sound like a sudden rush of wind wrapped itself around the woman’s body, pulling her into the light still forming behind her. As quickly as she appeared, she was gone. Nothing remained but the echo of a terrified scream.

As the woman disappeared, the young nurse continued soothing the baby, not turning around once to look at the darkness behind her. Not feeling the chocking feeling, the tightness around her body. You see, what had just happened was invisible to the naked eye. It was impossible to feel, hear, or smell. Or at least it should have been. There was one, small exception.

His lungs aching from the screeching, the newborn baby could see the darkness clearer than anything else in his new world right now. And that was terribly, terribly wrong.

All I've done is deleted the irrelevant parts - you could always incorporate what happened in Liam's thoughts. "All Liam could think of was how he was shaken awake by a panicked and white-faced wife, the lower half of her nightgown soaked with blood. The image was burned into his retinas, and the mad rush to the hospital a horrible blur."

So, overall:

Characters
I like Liam because he's human. There really wasn't any other developed character, which is fine.

Plot
Am loving where this is heading. It's a bit cliché (Sixth Sense much?), but you've written it so well, and if you write it correctly, it can deviate completely from canon "I can see dead people" literature.

Style
You have to be careful with your sudden changes of perspective. Each segment of paragraphs should only have one person behind all thoughts, until you make the transition clear by creating a new segment, ie chapter, part etc.

Keep on writing this! I like it more than A Shot of Arrogance.

- Jai

Okay firstly, your writing is really good, I didn't really have any problems with the way you write. But as a mother myself I would just like to correct a few things about the labour.
First, when a womans water breaks it gushes out, it doesn't just dribble down her leg, it litterly pops.
secondly if a baby is born so early, there would be a team of nurses taking care of him, and he would be put in ICU right away, the nurse wouldn't have time to wrap him up, he wouldn't beable to breath, his lungs aren't developed.
But other then that I thought it was great!

Skins, I am here and I am ready to do some reviewin'. Mostly everyone has reported on every 'lil nitpick so I don't think I have to go over it and give you the same low down. So, I'm scrathing my reviewing template and going solo. Third person, aye? Big step up! I'm very impressed. Third person is easy to write in but to a good job is another matter. I do not read most books with third person as it doesn't give me enough insight. There are few books that I've read (written in third person) that I've enjoyed.

J.K. Rowling did it well, Bikazar - author or Munera - also does it very well and you Skins also do it well. That's great, it mean you're in! Whooo!!! But anyway, you're still a novice at it and I'm just going to point out some things to improve young muggle! (loool!)

Third person is like you're watching what is happening and in some parts I'm getting this strong vibe as you throw in great discription and it makes me think I'm standing right next to you as you write (stalker!). Here for example is perfect, absolutely perfect.

Liam Wynne paced back and forth in the more or less empty hallway. He ran his hands through his coarse, dark hair, glancing at his watch for the fiftieth time. These things were supposed to be quick, so what was taking so long?
Everything’s fine, he tried mentally convincing himself. Things like this happen all of the time, just relax...It’s going to be fine. No matter how much Liam ran that through his head, there was something unrecognisable in the pit of his stomach that told him otherwise.

Liam and Aeron had been together for almost twelve years now, yet they were both only twenty-six. Having two children by the time they were twenty-three gained them a lot of judgmental attention, but they didn’t take any notice, let alone care. They were happy, and that was the only important thing in their mind.

I was in love, but then there are other parts that just lack this kind of quality:

A sudden smell of something unexplainable, something unnatural filled the room. If anyone would have smelt it, they would have felt sick as it crawled in through their nose, sticking to their throat. A swirl of black smoke that created a sound like a sudden rush of wind wrapped itself around the woman’s body, pulling her into the light still forming behind her. As quickly as she appeared, she was gone. Nothing remained but the echo of a terrified scream.

This paragraph just sounds a little strange on its own. I feel there is to much repition on this smelling business. Just get what you're trying to say out in one go and your writing will definitely strengthen with that. I'm not going to leave you just hanging and wondering what I am talking about so here is my suggestion. Yep, I'm ripping apart this sentence.

A sudden smell of something unexplainable, something and horrifyingly unnatural filled the room. If anyone would have smelt it, they would have felt sick The sickening feeling that took over your sensesas it crawled in through their your nose, sticking to their your throat.

And yet, this still doesn't sound right...maybe this:

A sudden smell of something unexplainable, something and horrifyingly unnatural filled the room. If anyone would have smelt it, they would have felt sick as it crawled in through their nose, sticking to their throat.

That sounds better actually. You can choose either of the two suggestions or not even follow through with it. It's all up to you. I didn't find anything else that really pestered me. I agree with the people above with your explaining problem. Trust me, I know how you feel. I do the exact same thing! This is a very good start and I suggest you make this into your prologue.

Keep writing,

Apple.

Hey, Skins! I read this because it is featured lol and now, I'm finally making a review. xD

Nitpicks:

In another room, there was a red haired woman...

- I think it is proper to hyphenate 'red' and 'haired'.

As the woman's figure became brighter, the infant's sobbing calmed down. It wasn't for long though.

- This sounded awkwardly in my mind. Perhaps, it would sound better this way: 'As the woman's figure became brighter, the infant's sobbing calmed down, though it wasn't for long.' Something like that.

A sudden smell of something unexplainable, something unnatural filled the room.

- 'Something' seemed to be awkwardly repeated. Perhaps, this would sound better this way: 'An unexplainable and unnatural smell filled the room in a sudden.



I actually like this. It caught my attention at the beginning and it kept me reading. The ending was hardly understandable though. Maybe you did it for the whole mystery thing but it seems like you left a couple of things out that would give the reader any ideas why 'the light darkened'. That was the only big problem I had here. Other than that, it's fine.

I want to keep reading. Please tell me when the next chapter/part comes up.
- Whisperer -

Hey Skins!

First of all, from skimming the reviews I can see you've already changed this quite a bit and from what I can see it's a lt better--but I still have one or two suggestions.

Skip these paragraphs:

Liam and Aeron had been together for almost twelve years now, yet they were both only twenty-six. Having two children by the time they were twenty-three gained them a lot of judgmental attention, but they didn’t take any notice, let alone care. They were happy, and that was the only important thing in their mind.
Sure, Liam had to work long hours to support his family. He often wished that he could spend all of his time with his family, but he knew that his income was important. When Aeron became pregnant with their third child, working the hardest he could became vital.
Taking care of their two children was hard work, and juggling careers, friends, family, and plain old fun along with that was even harder. That didn’t matter though because neither of them would have had it any other way.
Liam shut his eyes. Nothing could last forever, and that fact had slapped him in the face now. He sat back down on the chair. He hadn’t even heard the news yet.

Or work the individual details throughout the part where the news is broken to show how important she is to him. It does provide good info and doesn't drag on forever, but it still feels too awkward and info-droppy.

Liam knew that Ray hated these situations because it was written all over his thoughtful face. The way he was avoiding his eyes, rubbing his chin. Small, but noticeable, body language that gave so many things away. Ray inhaled deeply.

You did do a bit of head-hopping later on (it was well done, but still jarring) which I didn't mind particularly but did find distracting. Here you've avoided it, but I'm not sure I like it: is Liam particularly observant? Especially at a time when he's so anxious. Plus, unless the doctor is a main character later, we don't benefit much from getting into his head--it would be enough to just metion a nervous habit when describing him (MO).

Liam clenched his fists. Had they even tried to save Aeron? What was so complicated? Someone couldn’t just die like that... Not Liam’s perfect wife. She was strong; how could some short operation, lasting minutes break her so easily?
Jolting up from the seat, Liam’s fists remained clenched. It wasn’t fair... Why had everything gone wrong? They didn’t even want this stupid kid. It was a mistake. Cassie and Aiden were planned; there were no problems with them. They hadn’t harmed Aeron, so why did this one have to?

Ok. This is cliched, which I don't particularly like--I can already imagine the kid growing up always knowing that his father would prefer him to be dead--it's been done before. On the other hand, the way you executed it was very believable. I'd still tone it down a bit, though, maybe have him try to reason with himself? You know him better than I do.

He tried kicking his legs and waving his arms, but they were far too weak to move at all.

Is this another head-hop? If not, then how can you tell he's trying to move them? Do they just twitch feebly?

It spread a sickening feeling that could've taken over a a person's senses, crawling into their nose and sticking to their throat. A swirl of black smoke that sounded like a sudden rush of wind wrapped itself around the woman’s body, pulling her into the light still forming behind her.

Don't overdue the similies. Also, the "could've" description is weak.

Not feeling the chocking feeling, the tightness around her body. You see, what had just happened was invisible to the naked eye. It was impossible to feel, hear, or smell. Or at least it should have been. There was one, small exception.
His lungs aching from the screeching, the newborn baby could see the darkness clearer than anything else in his new world right now. And that was terribly, terribly wrong.

"Choking;" no c. The "You see" should not be there. "The Screeching" could be a stronger description. Also the "that was terribly, terribly wrong" makes it sound like someone is making a judgement, which is annoying. Maybe "it was" or something else? Nitpicky, I know. Technincalities aside, I like this as a last paragraph. It makes me want to read more.

Overall: I like this. Good beginning, and it makes me want to read more. But (there is always a but...) I do think it could be shortened quite a bit--prologues are generally better when short, IMO. That way you are intrigued without getting to deeply intrenched before being jolted into the first chapter. The second half is definitely better--it's way more interesting than the cliche "just been told loved one died by doctors" scene. Sometimes less is more with descriptions as well--I noticed a couple wordy bits though for the most bit I think you had just the right amount.

I realise this is a first draft so you might not want to work on the finer details until later--these are just a few things to maybe keep in mind or look at later. Good luck! I've got Writer's Block (just laziness, actually) right now and can get nowhere with any of my projects. Anyway, can't wait to read the next bit!

Lupis

Tiger here to review per request and friendly neigbour-liness. Or you could just call that interest. Anyway, comments, as always, shall be in bold.

Skins wrote:

CYSM.jpg

Liam Wynne okay, this isn't important review wise, but Liam's surname makes me think of that character in DAO. Anyway, never mind this first comment.paced back and forth in the more or less empty hallway. He ran his hands through his coarse, dark hair, glancing at his watch for the fiftieth time. These things were supposed to be quick, so what was taking so long?

Everything’s fine, he tried mentally convincing himself the mentally part is unimportant because the reader can tell this is internal monologue. We're just that clever. . Things like this happen all of the time, just relax...It’s going to be fine. No matter how much Liam ran that through his head maybe: 'said that to himself' would be better, there was something unrecognisable Not really necessary in the pit of his stomach that told him otherwise.

Liam and Aeron had been together for almost twelve years now, yet they were both only twenty-six. Having two children by the time they were twenty-three gained them a lot of judgmental attention, but they didn’t take any notice, let alone care. They were happy, and that was the only important thing in their minds.

Sure, Liam had to work long hours to support his family. He often wished that he could spend all I think 'more' would be more useful here. And you didn't need the italicization anyway of his time with his family, but he knew that his income was important. When Aeron became pregnant with their third child, working the hardest he could became vital.

Taking care of their two children was hard work, and juggling careers, friends, family, and plain old fun along with that was even harder. That didn’t matter though because neither of them would have had it any other way.

Liam shut his eyes. But nothing could last forever, and that fact had (be careful, you don't want to find yourself accidentally changing tenses. slapped him in the face now. He sat back down on the chair. He hadn’t even heard the news yet. What news? That he's having a third baby? Because I'm pretty sure he knows that.

The operating room doors hesitantly Unnecessary, it gives the doors an air of personification and because they aren't important, you don't need to do this. opened, revealing a rather small man wearing a green surgeon’s outfit. Liam froze. He searched the man’s face, begginghoping that it would reveal something about what the man he would soonsay. But he got nothing.

There was a thin smile spread across the surgeon’s pale lips. Still nothing. Liam’s eyes weren’t taken [b]didn't go[/b]off the man’s face for a single moment. He nodded at himLiam before sitting in the seat beside Liam him. There was something wrong. There had to be.

“Hello, Mr. Wynne.” The man held his hand out for Liam to shake. “I’m Dr. Ray Porter.”

Liam didn’t care what his name was, and right now, he didn’t feel like shaking anyone’s hand. Where was Aeron?

He uncomfortably I think you mean something like 'quickly, hurriedly or detachedly' instead shook Ray Porter’s hand, wishing he’d just tell him what on earth was going on. And more importantly, where his wife was.

“As you’re aware, several problems 'complications'. Most doctors are sly rats. They never use such a straightforward word as 'problem'. have occurred with your wife’s pregnancy, resulting in an emergency caesarean section.” Don’t tell me what I already know. Bloody get to it already. “During surgery, we realised that things weren’t quite going to be as easy as we originally thought. Your wife was losing, and had, lost an awful amount of blood. We had to be awfully caref-”

“Where is she?” Liam cut off the surgeon.

If there was one thing Liam couldn’t stand, it was tip toeing around a subject. Tip toeing around something like this tightened his chest, made a lump form in his throat. People didn’t avoid a subject for no reason.

Ray Porter quickly shut his mouth, lifting his hand to the bottom of his chin. The man appeared to be thinking. Liam wished that he would stop hesitating every few seconds; these were his feelings he was messing with. Liam knew that Ray hated these situations because it was written all over his thoughtful face. The way he was avoiding his eyes, rubbing his chin. Small, but noticeable, body language that gave so many things away. Ray inhaled deeply.

“I’m sorry, Sir, we did everything we could. It was too late for us to save your wife.” If he was going to deliver news like that, why did he walk in smiling?!

All that Liam could do was stare. No... Things like this didn’t happen, not in real life. Only on the television, in the
media. Aeron was fine yesterday, more beautiful than ever. She couldn’t just be... be gone. Not like that. She was smiling, laughing... No... Italics aren't necessary here.

The calmness in Ray Porter's voice made Liam feel mocked. Nothing about this moment felt calming. Liam's chest tightened, his breath beingwas cut short. He had to be dreaming - he begged to God that he was dreaming. The kids? Cassie and Aiden... They couldn't have their mother ripped out of from their lives in one night; they didn't deserve that.

You've switched the POV. Make some sort of indication. Ray watched carefully as Mr. Wynne’s face whitened, his lip shaking. Small pools of water tried their best to escape from his eyes this is a very elaborate way of saying: 'he fought back tears.' And is this Ray's view of himself or of Liam?, his thoughts electrifying through his mind. This part doesn't really add anything to the sentence and so isn't necessary.

“I’m ever so sorry, Sir,” Ray said again.

LiamMr. Wynne. Remember this is Ray's POV turned away from the wall his eyes were fixated to, and looked at the surgeon.

“Your child though..." Ray he continued; grewa small, but genuine smile growing on his face. "He’s weak and will need a lot of help, but he’s going to be fine.”

It felt good for those words to flow out of Ray's mouth. After sentences of dreadful news had left it, the cleansing of by words like that made Ray Porter's negative emotions settle slightly.

He glanced at the man opposite him, eagerly waiting for a response. Waiting for a warm smile, or a sigh of relief from Mr. Wynne. It was strange though. Liam Wynne's reaction was far from expected. The tears in his eyes did not dither at all and he only became whiter. Ray furrowed his eyebrows, baffled.


Indication of changed POV. That news should have created a warm feeling, filled part of the hole that was forming in his heart, but thatit was impossible for Liam. He’d lost the one thing he’d always loved, the one person he couldn’t even barebear to think about life without. All because of the fact that she became pregnant with that child. If the pregnancy hadn’t happened, Liam wouldn’t have been grieving. Aeron wouldn’t have been dead.

They’d saved the baby... Why hadn’t they saved her? Was the baby more important than her? Is that what they thought? No, this couldn’t havebeen be happening...

“Why... Why couldn’t you save her?” Liam croaked. “Why could you save it italics for emphasis, but not her?”

Another POV switch, although I suppose this may not count as one. Ray Porter’s eyes widened, unsure of what he’d just heard. The man was lucky his son was alive, let alone healthy. He shuffled in his seat.

“Well, it was either two deaths or one, Sir. We didn’t have much of a choice.”

Liam clenched his fists. Had they even tried to save Aeron? What was so complicated? Someone couldn’t just die like that... Not Liam’s perfect wife. She was strong; how could some short operation, lasting minutes break her so easily?

Jolting up from the seat, Liam’s fists remained clenched. It wasn’t fair... Why had everything gone wrong? They didn’t even want this stupid kid. It was a mistake. Cassie and Aiden were planned; there were no problems with them. They hadn’t harmed Aeron, so why did this one have to?

Liam resisted every urge to punch at the wall, and instead, he strained his fists until his knuckles were bright white. Aeron didn’t deserve this. She’d done so much good in her life. What had that baby ever done?

*****

In another room, there was a red-haired woman, making sure that the tiny child in the incubator before her remained stable. Other nurses fussed around with medical equipment in the wooden shelves, along with documents and papers.

The baby had a surprisingly thick mop of white hair on its fragile head, his eyes a deep blue colour; exactly like his mother. There was a specially made tag wrapped around the baby’s tiny wrist with writing scribbled over it.

Name: N/A
DOB: 13/11/95
Gender: Male
Mother: Aeron Wynne

The nurse smiled gently, trying to hush the baby as a couple of weak cries escaped his mouth. He tried kicking his legs and waving his arms, but they were far too weak to move at all.

The cries began to escalate, the young nurse trying to calm the child down. She couldn’t soothe the baby though because no matter what she did, it was impossible for her to realise the cause of the tears and screaming.

In the corner of the room was a bright light; so white, it almost appeared to be clear. The light soon expanded to reveal a figure of a woman. Her fragile features matched the ones of the infant being hushed by the nurse.

The room lit up with the white light, instantly warming the air. The woman allowed her lips to curve upwards as she laid her eyes upon the baby, whose crying had lessened slightly. As the woman's figure became brighter, the infant's sobbing calmed down. Not for long.

The light around the woman turned a sudden grey colour, darkening all too quickly. Within seconds, it was a midnight black. The air in the room became tight, almost as though it was chocking something. Darkness sneaked into the atmosphere, becoming far too vivid. The woman in the now black light’s face fell, her arms rapidly reaching out for something she wasn’t quite able to grab.

A sudden smell of something unexplainable and can something smell unexplainable? unnatural filled the room. It spread a sickening feeling that could've taken over a a person's senses, crawling into their nose and sticking to their throat. A swirl of black smoke that sounded like a sudden rush of wind wrapped itself around the woman’s body, pulling her into the light still forming behind her.

It stole her from this world, forcing her into another.

As quickly as she'd appeared, she was gone. Nothing remained but the echo of a terrified scream.

While the woman was vanishing, the young nurse continued soothing the baby, not turning around once to look at the darkness behind her. Not feeling the chocking feeling, the tightness around her body. You see, what had just happened was invisible to the naked eye. It was impossible to feel, hear, or smell. Or at least it should have been. There was one, small exception.

His lungs aching from the screeching, the newborn baby could see the darkness clearer than anything else in his new world right now. And that was terribly, terribly wrong.

All in all, this is great! No need to worry about the third-person thing; it's just fine! Only thing is a few times you accidentally muddled up the tenses slightly, but been there done that; it's a common mistake. And in the part where it was Ray's POV you need to indicate the change, but apart from those things it's absolutely fine!

And I think the story is set in Ireland? What with all the Irish names...Cassie, Aeron, Aiden, Wynne (I think that's Irish, right? Either Gaelic or Norse, that I know) and all. And this is totally unrelated, but it's an odd coincidence that in primary school I had two friends called Liam and Aaron. Weird.

Anyhoo, great job! Definitely waiting for more! Well done, and KEEP WRITING!

TIGERSPRITE

Well other than the fact that you kept switching Aeron to Eirin through out the story it was fantastic! Can't wait to read more! and yes i think this should definitely be a prologue (:

Hello there, Skinnykins!

Here to review. :3

Okay. I don't think I still have to do a line by line nitpick, since I've noticed lots of good critiques before me. And I'm going to apologize in advance if there's any repetitions. So here it goes.

Well, this is a prologue? I think you have written this very well. Grammar wise, your spelling's all good and so with your verb consistency. I could only see minute blunders that are very common, which is acceptable and have been corrected already.

Talking about the story plot, I hope that it wouldn't look to cliche' for the first and upcoming chapters. You know, about a husband who blames his newborn son because of his wife's death, and the son grows unloved by him. Something like that. However, I won't really comment that much since this is just the prologue. No major judgments for now. And about your characters, the emotions developing from the husband is very realistic, I was even too surprised that he didn't show a sign of relief when the doctor said the baby was fine. And I just want to tell you that I'm really impressed on how you show don't tell. Your descriptions are lovely, to the point that it wasn't really common at all, or something like that. And the flow and the pacing is just fine, no awkward sentences that I come across with.

All in all, I thank you for the good read. This was quite interesting and wish you luck on this. Hope I helped and PM me for questions. Well, I'm not even sure if I helped you at all or something, because you've managed to take into account your critique's suggestions, and it's one of the factor why your writing skills is improving. And that's definitely a good thing!

Keep writing and peace out,
Yuri