Last edited by Teardrop on Wed May 04, 2011 1:41 am, edited 2 times in total.
And are the doctors dancing in, while the ambulances sing. Another boy without a sharper knife. The moment, that's where I kill the conversation, wrap this up with a knife that loves to feel. How do you know how deep to go before it's real? - Yeah Boy And Doll Face ~ Pierce The Veil
Okay, first of all, as you said this is very short. I suggest going threw and adding lenth to this. It needs depth and feelings from both the characters so far.
I do have a few questions, Why is he returning and why is he in such a hurry? I hope to hear some explanations in the next chapter you post for this novel.
I think it sounds alright, over all. And I will read the next chapter. You can PM me when you post it!
Keep writing!
~ Jesica
"They can put me in prison but they can't stop my face from breakin' out."
" A smile is a curve that can set a lot of things straight."
I think the overall idea of this is very cool. The synopsis really caught my attention! But I think what you really need to work on is description. You could make what you posted five times more than that (although stay to a limit).
Well hello, I really liked the way you begin this story, with the story about the man, dream catcher, and shop keeper. I would love to see a lot more description added here, though. What kind of environment is he driving in? Is it parched and windy? Or more of a dead, stifling heat? What is the color of his truck? What does the shop look like, is it in the middle of nowhere, the center of town, is it rundown and shabby, or a quaint little tourist store? Also, I think, (if this is what you’re trying to achieve) you could add a lot more urgency to this man's actions. This can easily be down through adverbs and varying your verbs. (e.g. He zoomed across to the elevator and vehemently pushed his way in.) Also, I think you could lead us in to the story in chapter one a little more slowly, and give us some of the information later on in the chapter. One more thing to consider, are you planning to use multiple viewpoints? In the prologue, you used the omniscient/third person POV, and in chapter one you used the first person. Now, a lot of authors, (mostly experimental) use this technique very effectively; but it is complicated and easy to get lost in while writing. If the majority of your story is meant to be told by the main character (?) in chapter one, how does she know about the man and the shopkeeper in the prologue. Does she meet someone else later on in the story who explains it to her? Multiple POV's are great if you can manage, but I've found that most writers (including me) tend to paint themselves into a corner when we do this.
However, I loved your dialogue, it was fresh and believable, and certainly shows thought and talent. Many writers (especially in SF and fantasy) tend to focus on the story so much that their dialogue falls by the wayside. I applaud you for your mastery! Keep up the good work! ~E.D.
No more countin' dollars... we'll be countin' stars.
