Chapter Two- Not Here

4 posts
User avatar
Gender Female
Points 719
Reviews 562
Little bit shorter than the last chapter.

Chapter Two: in which there's a great deal of unfamiliar streets, misgivings, and alleyways.

"Good Intentions?"


He had moved more swiftly than what seemed possible- I felt a bit self conscious, walking back down the street I had just traversed, especially when he was gazing at me so intently from the curb. I knew it was silly though- it was the dead of night. Upon reaching him, he grasped me with his claw again, and we were off. He shambled and walked with a pronounced limp, but made progress quickly; it may have been due more to his mass of rags impeding movement rather than some mystery injury.

His grip was somewhat painful on my wrist, and I had to adopt his shuffling gait in order to keep up and to lessen the pain. He dragged me down the block, and then onto another that I didn’t recognize. I knew the area quite well, yet it wasn’t familiar. There were less homeless people on the streets, and the stores were often interrupted by dingy apartments, squished and seemingly misshapen. Everything always looked different at night though, at least if it wasn’t on my walk home from work. He pulled and pulled and I followed, curious as to what he might be bringing me to. It wasn’t until the third block, when he pulled me off to a darker street and then into an alleyway, that my curiosity somewhat dimmed.

I was starting to suspect that perhaps this homeless man had other ideas that I’d first thought. I couldn’t help but scold myself for being this stupid, for not realizing it at the beginning. Damn my curiosity. How could I allow myself into this situation?

The offshoot of the street he pulled me down far from helped my newborn qualms; especially when it was this dark and isolated. I could see even less than on my flat’s street. I made a decision: I would make at least one attempt at untangling myself from this situation, even though it seemed far too late.

“You know, I think that maybe I don’t really need it after all.” My voice sounded so much smaller than I’d meant it to. It felt almost like the dark had eaten it.

He didn’t respond. I hoped that he wasn’t ignoring me. Maybe he just didn’t hear me? I prepared myself to raise my voice above that squeak that came out last time.

“Maybe I don’t-” My words died altogether as he suddenly whirled towards me, jerking my wrist towards him without actually ever loosening his grip. Backlit, I could see a little of his face when he turned to me. His eyes glittered again. His face was grizzled, old and grey and gnarled; some of the cloth had fallen astray when he moved so quickly.

“Then you really must not know what it is you’re looking for. Pity. It will make this all the more difficult.” He leered at me, grin twisted and gross. There was a gap in his teeth to the right, a distracting hole of darkness in his uncomfortable smile. It made it so much worse, that niggling sense of evil in his expression.

Good intentions on his part were no longer a possibility; there was only malice in that smile. There was not even a hint of insanity; there was only pure, simple malice. It was so much more terrifying. A decision was made, through no rationality of mine, but an impulse decided by the fear inside, roaring its head, sick of the darkness and creepy old homeless men’s smiles. Suddenly, I twisted my arm as hard as I could, pulled and pushed in a desperate attempt for freedom. Yet, his iron grip didn’t break, didn’t even seem to tighten in order to keep it. I didn’t understand it. But I felt more helpless than ever. I pulled, tugged, twisted my body as much as I could. He seemed to only watch and patiently wait for me to stop. I struggled as long as I could, and finally came to a slow stop, panting.
I would just have to wait for a moment of weakness. The instant his hold even slackened, I would be streaking down the street.

He smiled again, somewhat kindly this time.

“That’s better.”

As he began to walk again, I wasn’t entirely sure that his grip would get any looser.
Last edited by Button on Sat Nov 13, 2010 3:23 pm, edited 2 times in total.




User avatar
Gender Male
Points 3563
Reviews 109
This story has continued to hold my interest. There are some subtle things in this chapter that I really appreciated. The transition between the old man being mysterious and and interesting into being malicious is very well done and does a great job of making the story seem real. Also, the fact that her voice becomes so much smaller than she wants it to be adds character and realism to the story. It shows how our actions in times of trouble aren't always as brave and strong as we expect them to be.
I was curious as to why the familiar area seemed different. It needs to be explained at some point. If it's something that will be revealed in later chapters that's fine, but if you don't intend on talking about it later, I would explain it more here.
Also, the last sentence seemed a little awkward to me. Removing it completely would give you a nice little cliffhanger to end the chapter.
Again, great work.




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 44887
Reviews 816
Hey, Perse!

Nitpicks/Comments

He had moved more swiftly than what seemed possible- I felt a bit self conscious, walking back down the street I had just traversed, especially when he was gazing at me so intently from the curb. I knew it was silly though- it was the dead of night. Upon reaching him, he grasped me with his claw again, and we were off. He shambled and walked with a pronounced limp, but made progress quickly; it may have been due more to his mass of rags impeding movement rather than some mystery injury.

It seems that this bit right here needs some tweaking. Mostly regarding the setting. Like, I know they're walking and all but it would have been nice to see some solid proof of 'what' exactly is going on. You seem to linger around vague, poetic descriptions which isn't necessarily bad but try making things more clear. Slightly.
His grip was somewhat painful on my wrist, and I had to adopt his shuffling gait in order to keep up and to lessen the pain.

Repetition of pain here.
He dragged me down the block, and then onto another that I didn’t recognize. I knew the area quite well, yet it wasn’t familiar.

Try not to say things twice. Your readers are smarter than you think.
Rewording would be a good fix here. May I suggest:
He dragged me down the block, and then swerved onto another. I knew the area quite well, yet I was unfamiliar with this one.
-Something like that.
How could I allow myself into this situation?

Exactly, why did she? I would have liked a better reason than just curiosity itself.
The offshoot of the street he pulled me down far from helped my newborn qualms

This a confusing description for me, maybe it's because there seems to be an error with tense here. I'm sure you know what I'm talking about if you read it twice.
a distracting hole of darkness in his uncomfortable smile.

I love this bit of imperfection and the connection it has with her situation and feelings at this point. Interesting.

Overall

In the end, I liked this part of the chapter. It was interesting but I don't see much more of a point to this. Just more of her thoughts concerning the Hobo dude and walking down the strange streets. The most interesting part of this was probably the section where the Hobo actually says something about what she needs to find. However, you're still keeping me interested. My suggestion, though, would be speed some things up a little and add some more character information as I said before with my previous review.

Again, the descriptions seems to be eating a massive part of this. Don't overdo it. You might think it makes the story nicer and more mature but honestly, a good book is one many people can connect to and something that is easy to read, interesting and fun to follow. Therefore, try to dump some of this unnecessary description. I know it can be hard. Sometimes I write nice things and I hate deleting them because I made it up and it's from my head and I want to put it down and have it in there but I end up doing it anyway, unless it's life threatening.

Overall, you've got a slow steady pace. Nice short chapters that are easy to review and follow. I might stick around for this one. Cool. :) I'll be off to the next. XD

-Shear
There are three rules for writing a novel. Unfortunately, no one knows what they are.
-W. Somerset Maugham




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 44360
Reviews 1087
Why hello there... :twisted:

Like I said, I'm here to review this second chapter. It will probably be my last review of the day because I should really be in bed right now... I have school tomorrow... Grrr... Ah well, that's life! Like in my review on the first chapter of this, I'm not going to get all nit-picky. That way, I can concentrate a little better on the deeper stuff!

Hmmm... This is interesting actually because I have a suggestion. Why don't you merge this chapter with the first? At the moment, they're both rather short. If you merge them together, you'll have a good length for a first chapter here. I also think this because you're actually showing the same thing in this chapter as you were in the last. You're on the same subject, which is a hobo leading a girl to the unknown. You don't have to merge the two chapters, but I think that it would be effective if you did so.

My only real issue with this so far is that I'm finding it a weeny bit unrealistic. What I mean by that is that I'm finding your MC's reaction to the whole situation as a bit odd. We still don't know her name either, by the way... Anyway, what I'm saying is that I think you should put yourself in her situation. If some creepy hobo randomly came up to you and told you to follow him, would you? The reason I didn't mention this before was because I wasn't sure whether your MC was a guy or a girl, so in my mind, it probably would have been more expected of a guy to follow the hobo. I'm pretty sure that she's a girl now though, so yeah...

I think that you should try and come up with a more believable reason for your MC to follow the hobo because in reality, he could be anyone. He could want to mug her, rape her, attack her. Who knows? Even if you make it so that she recognises the hobo or something? I'm not sure... Just consider maybe coming up with a more believable reason why your MC would want to follow the homeless dude.

Thinking about it, you could even have him suddenly grab a necklace off her neck and run off with it. Then her natural response would probably be to follow the hobo. He could do it because she refuses to follow him, and by taking her necklace or whatever, he knows that she'll follow him. There are a few things you could do. :)

One thing that I noticed about this chapter was that there were actually less descriptions in it, and they didn't seem to be distracting me from what was going on. That happened a little in the past chapter. I think that, in this one, you had a fair balance between all of the aspects of the chapter. I would consider merging the first two chapters though because I genuinely do think that they would make one really great first chapter. It's up to you though!

Keep writing,

xoxo Skins
I didn't know what to put here so I put this.



Opportunity does not knock, it presents itself when you beat down the door.
— Kyle Chandler