Kissing under twilight

Your blue eyes sail on my rocky lips.
Watching me as I speak.
Dagger words slice my tongue as they leap from my throat,
To your ears.
I see your crystal eyes turn gray as a tear tickles your cheek.
I see you wipe it away with the soft pad of your finger.
My heart is calling out to yours, like it did that summer.
The summer when the moon was bright
and we kissed under the twilight.
The summer when citrus lingered on my teeth from your gum.
The summer when the sun never set , and the moon never rose.
I see the memories glisten in your eyes
You close them..
as
I
Walk
Away.

rememberme wrote:Your blue eyes sail on my rocky lips.
Watching me as I speak.
Dagger words slice my tongue as they leap from my throat,
To your ears.
I see your crystal eyes turn gray as a tear tickles your cheek.
I see you wipe it away with the soft pad of your finger.
My heart is calling out to yours, like it did that summer.
The summer when the moon was bright
and we kissed under the twilight.
The summer when citrus lingered on my teeth from your gum.
The summer when the sun never set , and the moon never rose.
I see the memories glisten in your eyes
You close them..
as
I
Walk
Away.

OK.... That had a beautiful flow and it was very sweet. But... why did you say:

as
I
walk
away.

Like that? Nevermind, I guess that's how you wanted it .
Well, I liked this a lot! I hope to see more from you!
~Ladypurple.

Hey rememberme!

Surprisingly, I enjoyed this! I was expecting to see a rather cliché poem, you know, with all that romance stuff we've all read a thousand times. I'm not exactly sure why, but this was interesting. I believe its simplicity really played in your favour, because it flowed very nicely. Also, it painted a very good picture to us, so it was captivating in some sort.

Buuut, there was one cliché that set me down.

My heart is calling out to yours, like it did that summer.

This was definitely not the best part of the poem xD Another small things that were off putting was, as mentioned above, were the flow at the end and the punctuation. Too many periods xD

And that's it! Good job ;D
- Kat

I liked this a lot. The writing does a great job of conveying emotion, and there are a lot of unique images and descriptions in here. Like writewatiwant, I felt that line 7 was a little cliche and by far the weakest point in the piece. Your line breaks for most of the piece worked very well for me and worked to enhance the content. As far as the ending, I can see a reason to keep it the way it is and a reason to make it all one line. I would personally make "as I walk away" a single line, as it seems to fit with the feel of the poem better in my mind. That said, I can see why you wrote it the way you did, and it's your poem so you should have it the way you like.

Thank you Night Shade(: My home daaawwwg! I wrote it like that because... haha Idk it makes the poem unique. I like that. I'm glad you liked it. I'm going to review some of your poems now! tah tah dahling(:

I'm here to critique!

rememberme wrote:Your blue eyes sail on my rocky lips.rocky lips?
Watching me as I speak.
Dagger words slice my tongue as they leap from my throat,
To your ears. The flow isn't right here; it's way off. You have to add mor, or took some from the last line..
I see your crystal eyes turn gray as a tear tickles your cheek.
I see you wipe it away with the soft pad of your finger.
My heart is calling out to yours, like it did that summer.
The summer when the moon was bright
and we kissed under the twilight.
The summer when citrus lingered on my teeth from your gum.I think the poem is too serious for gum. Maybe, from your mouth instead.
The summer when the sun never set , and the moon never rose.LOVE this!
I see the memories glisten in your eyes
You close them... (one more dot.)
as
I
Walk
Away.

Overall:

this is a very good poem. I can picture the break up, witch is what i guess it is. The flow is a bit messed up, though it can be easily fixed. Also, the lines are a bit long to me, but hey, that's your style. I'm not trying to be mean, I swear. This was an amazing poem, and you must keep writing!

i loved this poem it reminds me of my ex its a sweet poem